June 8 2004

Thai massage with a happy ending

A traditional Thai massage (See Relax in a traditional Thai massage parlour) is, in some respects, like a cricket match where rain stops play or an opera where the fat lady doesn't get to sing. Thai massage with a happy ending - often regarded as the thinking man's choice - is a topic that cries out to be investigated (agh agh aaaagh, yeah baby, aaaaaagh...) but, realising that I might lack the willpower to "make my excuses and leave" my good friend, the Mango Sauce Health and Efficiency Correspondent, has kindly volunteered to fall on his (pork) sword.

Wandering down Sukhumvit soi 11 the other day I saw a gaggle of smartly dressed girls in beige uniforms outside a message parlour. Although they could have been trainee air hostesses for Nok Air I figured they were probably masseuses, and, having an hour or so to spare, I thought I'd pop in to have a little relaxation.

After entering the salon the manageress quickly produced a very attractive girl called Khun Poo who escorted me upstairs. I was shown into a large room with cubicles separated by curtains. Khun Poo indicated I should undress and discretely disappeared to re-appear two minute later wearing very short hot pants and a bikini top. Figuring my luck must be in here I laid back to enjoy an invigorating massage with, undoubtedly, a sensuous happy ending.

Your Ad Here

The massage proceeded in a very professional way but after about forty minutes I thought it was about time I was offered some "extra" services. Forty-five minutes went by, so I did a little naked wriggling to indicate receptivity, and then fifty minutes passed, but still no mention of any "specials". By now, I was rather anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop and to receive an invitation for a "happy ending". Alas, the last shoe never dropped and at minute 59.59 I was told my massage was over. Khun Poo quickly disappeared and I was left to get dressed and wander downstairs to pay my bill in a much less relaxed state of mind than when I entered the massage parlour. Very frustrating!

Which brings us now to the question if you're out searching for a little bit of light relief: how do you tell a dodgy massage parlour from a straight one or avoid wasting sixty minutes waiting for the shoe that never drops? There's no easy answer to this one but here are some tips:

Dodgy massage parlours

Any Massage Parlour from which you choose a girl in a "goldfish bowl" will be dodgy. This definitely includes all of the establishments run by Khun Chuwit of the Davis Group and parlours such as Chao Phyra 1, 2 and 3.

Any Massage Parlour which has girls in long silk dresses on display inside or lecherous Thai males touting for custom outside.

A Massage Parlour that has a price list that goes something like: Foot massage baht 200; Thai massage baht 300; Special Massage baht 1800. The huge jump from the basic massage to a big figure for a "Special"; "Full Body"; or "Extra Service" inevitably means the price hike guarantees a little rocket polishing.

If you look at massage adverts in the Bangkok Post or tourist magazines most phone numbers are for "visiting" services. Anyone who comes to see you will definitely make you come.

If you pay as you enter before any massage services are given, the Parlour is probably dodgy. Likewise, if you pay when you leave it's normally quite a straight establishment.

Decidedly non-dodgy massage parlours

Appearances, as mentioned in our introductory story, can be very deceptive. Either in, or within, 100 metres of Pat Pong there are probably 15 Massage Parlours. However, to the best of our knowledge, only 3 are "dodgy". Hence "Location" is not a great guide.

Any establishment with a name that includes the word "Traditional Thai" or "Spa" in its title is likely to provide little excitement.

A parlour with floor mats and cubicles divided by curtains is inevitably quite straight.

If you're asked to wear some silly costume this definitely indicates your interesting bits will remain covered-up throughout the massage.

I hope readers find these tips helpful. Long term readers may remember my previous offering (See Miss Noo's Best Bangkok Short-Time Hotels). As a companion volume, to further help those in search of light relief, I have decided to publish "Mango Sauce's Guide to Dodgy Massage Parlours". Readers are invited to submit their nominations for inclusion with particular emphasis upon identifying, or naming, the less obvious establishments. Five copies, signed by me, will be awarded as prizes for the most imaginative entries. I will also share with you my top three most surprising addresses.

And we will all live happily ever after.

[Posted to Your Letters by David]

Your Ad Here

Readers' comments

Anonymous says:

Your researcher should've gone to Soi 11/1.
Give yourself a few hours and have a haircut, shave & head massage.
Then move upstairs and have a sweaty oil massage and a rocket polish to finish (500B extra) - Sorted!

When are we going to get a report on Lolita's on Soi 8 or Eden on Soi 12?

June 8, 2004 1:19 PM

David says:

I forgot to mention that today's illustration is dedicated to Greg.

June 8, 2004 1:51 PM

perv says:

eden is on soi 7/1 not soi 12

June 8, 2004 2:09 PM

mr peter says:

Don't give Eden any plugs, the place is a rip off IMO as I have always been seriously short changed on the time by at least 50%. Massage parlors are too hit and miss I don't think I have ever really enjoyed one, so don't go any more. Probably the best one I have tried is nataree in rachada and not expensive. There is a guide which I have somewhere listing almost every major place in bkk along with prices and services. Anywhere around suk is not so much overpriced, although Darlings is, but gives poorer service, again just my experience. Places like barrons are a joke, they would never get away with their tourist class service if they were catering for thai customers. Annies can be good but mostly hags working there. Surprising that there have not been more naughty places along sukhumvit. I know one very good thai place in prakanong, so maybe there are a few more than we realise.-peter

June 8, 2004 2:40 PM

The General says:

Has anyone ever been to Bangkok Spa on Soi 4? There is a girl who works in there that is close to perfection. A goddess. Didn't look like she gave massages though, she just seemed to work the counter. Damn shame.

June 8, 2004 4:11 PM

Stoney says:

I agree with Peter, Nataree is good, no rip offs and nice girls, but I always found the rooms a let down. Around the corner is the Mirage, big rooms and Very nice girls, all sorts of special deals to be done and no one pushes you.

June 8, 2004 9:13 PM

Stoney says:

I agree with Peter, Nataree is good, no rip offs and nice girls, but I always found the rooms a let down. Around the corner is the Mirage, big rooms and Very nice girls, all sorts of special deals to be done and no one pushes you.

June 8, 2004 9:13 PM

TJ says:

I find the Sabai rooms in Pattaya good value and the girls are nice and willingto please, the full body job is real good with the soap.

all in all a satisfying experience.

June 8, 2004 11:13 PM

Anonymous says:

The General,
I assume you mean Bangkok Health Spa on Soi 3, not 4. The lovely lady at the counter is called Sai and is indeed a knockout. When she bent over in that white dress to pick up a kid (hers?) running around in the shop, I nearly jumped on her then and there.

Kind of an odd place, really. They do ask you to undress and provide nice sensual massages, but the cubicles are not very private and, as far as I know, no extras are on offer.

June 9, 2004 12:52 AM

mr peter says:

Strewth someone agreed with me that must be a first. Here is link to the dogs bollocks of massage reports, the famous slimey toad-wonder what happened to him? Out of date but still of use:

http://voidxxxx.tripod.com/massage/thaimassage.html

-peter

June 9, 2004 4:23 AM

Basil Rocket-Polish says:

In the interests of helping Mango Sauce readers I decided to visit one of the two massage parlours on Soi 3 north of the entrance to Bumrungrad Hospital. They have both closed !

Previous experience suggest avoid the Eden Club on Soi Sukhumvit Soi 7/1 like the plague. It is run by a very pushy Frenchman who does not give you time to finish a beer before he tells you to take a couple of girls (at least) upstairs or piss off. The one and only time I tried a couple of the girls were rejects fom Annie's on Soi 2.

As to the provision of extras. includes Sukhumvit Soi 11/1, Soi 11 opposite the entrance to Soi 11/1 but not the place further up with the uniforms. Between Soi 3 and 5 opposite Foodland. Soi 7/1 (not The Spa) beware, however, that whilst the girls outside are young and pretty, the ones who do the massage are not and Soi 10 and a couple on Soi 4.

No includes Soi 1, Soi 3 (next to hairdressers in Middle East Street) and Soi 5 opposite the entrance to Middle East Street.

June 9, 2004 4:18 PM

mr peter says:

Forgot to say I went to one in soi 5 once and was ushered inside by a nice looking girl and told to undress and put a gown on. To my horror a bloke then turned up and proceded on with the business. I almost walked out but as it was a trad place and the geezer was blind I went through with it. He was actually very good, but thank god no extras were on offer.
Yes you are right about mr Frenchman, he lets the girls short time you by 45 mins then has the nerve to ask you if everything was OK. Eden is now a silly price, 2 gals can be had ST from many bars for 1500 each including the barfines. Hell you can pick girls up on Suk for 800 baht that are just as 'good looking' as the Eden crew-peter

June 9, 2004 5:12 PM

The General says:

I can't believe for one minute that the girl in Bangkok Health Spa has a child. I was in Bangkok for 2 weeks and didn't see anyone who came even close to as stunning as her. Its worth going in for a foot massage just to see her on the counter. Go and check it out fellas, and if anyone gets a massage off her, then be sure to let me know because i'll be the next one in there.

June 9, 2004 5:17 PM

jonny says:

"khun poo"?
what's with that name?
is it a bear or something that shits on you? (or a combination?)

June 9, 2004 11:55 PM

BigDUSA says:

I've been to the Eden Club and the owner is not pushy. He asks you to have one drink and then make your choice. He tells you upfront what his bar policy is. Plus if your not satsifed you don't pay.

June 10, 2004 10:41 AM

Combover says:

I'm a little surprised about the Eden Club comments.

I've been on two occasions and both times received royal service. The girls worked very hard in all sorts of cominations and were good fun. In fact they would not stop. The room phone rang to end the session after 90 minutes on both occasions.

That they were not very pretty was my only complaint, although early in the afternoon they seem better.

It is a little pricey, but it's your choice up front, so up to you.

June 10, 2004 10:50 AM

Madam Edith says:

I wonder if anybody has ever not paid at the Eden Club because they were not satisfied ? A lot of guys I have talked to have been once and vowed never to go back. The few times I have been to Annie's I have been able to sit and have a couple of beers first without someone telling me that I have to take a girl or trying to get me to take two, three or four girls. That in my book is pushy.

June 10, 2004 11:24 AM

Marmite says:

I think the only ones not happy with places like Eden are those that end it themsleves after a couple of minutes of jiggy-jiggy. What to do with the remaining time?!?

And I'm sorry for giving the wrong Soi.

June 10, 2004 1:47 PM

Combover says:

Do it again. And again. And again...

June 10, 2004 1:59 PM

mr peter says:

Eden is not a massage place nor a bar but a brothel. They don't want to piss about but rather to get you in and out ASAP. I have heard of one guy who refused to pay as one of the girls fell asleep in the room! The times I have been the girls rush to get dressed and pack up as soon as they managed to make me cum. It's all too business like for my liking and they won't be getting my business again. Toys and uniforms? take you own and dress a couple of bar girls up. It's OK if you want something wierd like pissing on a girl but for anyone normal I say it's poor value for money.-peter

June 10, 2004 2:28 PM

Gimpy1 says:

How much would it cost to piss on a couple of 18 year olds at Eden?

June 10, 2004 10:38 PM

Errant says:

Where's the divorce chorus telling of being pissed on by women and having to pay them?

June 10, 2004 11:02 PM

Billybob says:

I have had my rocket polished at the 500+ baht places but I like full service body massage if I am in the mood. More Baht yes, but when I'm in LOS, I have money to burn.

Well for what it is worth (convenience), I like the massage MP that is half way up Soi Patpong on the right side (sorry don't know the name). Take the yellow elevator to the third floor for the glassed in experience. Kind of boring. You can have a beer with mammasan. The girls who want you to pick them will divert their eyes from the TV and let you know with a smile (this can give me an instant hard-on if they are half way decent looking). The fat old ones will also look at you with the same expression that they probably see on your face.

Second floor is better. I usually find my girl(s). It is an open bar with couches facing each other and the girls sitting opposite the customer while he has a beer. He can ask the girls over and buy them a cola, chat a little. They have some real stunners here and the up and down activities at the couches allows one the opportunity to check them out top to bottom.

Once you have your two lasses (3000 Baht for 1 hour is what I usually can settle on), you go upstairs get scrubbed down with soap and their bodies and then get a traditional massage for awhile or anything you are ready for. Nothing beats having your root gently sucked (with condom of course) as girl#2 works those aches and pains out of your other less important muscles.

Never been disappointed in the place.

June 18, 2004 5:25 PM

Mike says:

i don't agree that Eden is pushy. Not the best looking girls but a lot of excitment! !

June 27, 2004 9:44 AM

jackass says:

u white boys r so sick..these thai women are nothing more than sex toys provinding u gross titilation...one of these days...things are gonnna change and u'd find ur white mom's and sisters sucking on oriental popsickles 24/7

July 1, 2004 4:36 PM

mr peter says:

Mike

Yes the first time I went I found it very exciting but it wears off pretty quick I found. I don't think the girls there are as bad looking as many seem to think, but in my experiences there I have found them to be too rushed and never got more than 45 mins sex. I should have complained at the time of course so I blame myself for accepting their poor service. I would recommend people to try it, but to make sure they get what they paid for, especially on the time-peter

July 1, 2004 4:50 PM

Paul says:

Western Union has a new TV spot running here in the USA.

The closing 'tag' line is this:

"Western Union, the one place in town where you are guaranteed a happy ending"

Makes me giggle every time it comes on the telly.

July 5, 2004 11:02 AM

gotchagirl says:

truely this site is so one sided. why should men b always guaranteed of a happy ending. please start a thorough investigation of sexy palours where a blue blooded girl can find gorgeous toned, hairless, clean, brown, SMALL bodied, fun, happy thai men who love 2 rub oil everywhere...jackass you are so on the money; give me oriental popsicles anyday.

August 17, 2004 4:16 PM

FTV says:

Can we have a version of FTV totally dedicated to Thai Bar Girls. I think it would be a big hit!

August 17, 2004 4:40 PM

YABS says:

try Sabaii sabaii on soi 11
behind the bamboo type bar and near to suk 11 hostel!
All the massge places down the soi of eden
will give extras i think.
The best one bar far though is atd more expensive
but is good service.
place is called Barons near the emporium on soi
24. It is also a haidresers but you can choose girls for oil or thai massage. oil is 400 baht an hour
but extras like hand is 500, blowie is 800 and full
monty is 1500. i also managed to get a happy ending of a thai massage girl but she told me
tjis wasn't normal.
There seemed to be plenty of other massage plces here in thsi area. soi 20 had a few.
There are aslo other dodgy ones on the top florr of
the sukhumvit plaza.

August 19, 2004 11:13 AM

Stone Cold says:

Posted by Mr Peter June 10.

�Eden is not a massage place nor a bar but a brothel.-----but for anyone normal I say it's poor value for money.�

Do normal men frequent whorehouses?

August 19, 2004 12:26 PM

Oz says:

Is any place that offers oil massage automatically dodgy?

June 30, 2006 10:54 PM

Anonymous says:

Please,is there any Thai massage plces in Bkk with a happy ending for woman (giving by woman or man)?

July 25, 2006 1:13 AM

wahwah says:

Akane massage on Soi 33 next to Peep Inn

The best I've tried

September 2, 2006 4:50 AM

Suk Mi says:

I caught my mom with an oriental popsicle once. I think it was sake flavored mango or some such. She had run out of kool aid to make the regular variety, so she just froze whatever she had in the house. I killed her on the spot, of course, and went to my favorite Thai massage perlor for a quick handjob.

September 19, 2006 8:43 PM

Dude says:

Lolitas will not disappoint but there is a lack of privacy and a bit of seediness in works.

Annies across from Nana has great service, no rushing, and not too pushy. Clean tubs and ladies.

And yes, normal men frequent whorehouses...

November 28, 2006 9:00 AM

Not paying says:

Ummm you guys pay for sex?
You do know university girl will give it up if you take them out a couple times for dinner, right?
(cheaper, but yeah, not as easy, nor guaranteed)

January 17, 2007 3:33 PM

unknown says:

the girls in euro are great, they will give in the inn and in the parlour otherwise. very strict about condoms , nice thing , very cute and warm girls, thier balls massage highly recommended. they say gives more strength, ask the girls.

February 26, 2007 9:42 PM

Glenno says:

I went to the Mandarin Massage Parlour on 2nd Road Pattaya, lovely girls very friendly, had a 1 hour long full body oil massage upstairs, laying there naked and as hard as a rock lolz, i enjoyed the massage very much, within the last 10 mins of the massage i took the chance and asked her nicely if she would massage 'this' as well (pointing downwards) she laughed and said "yes! 80 percent of our customers get the happy ending" Glad i asked her, if i hadn't, i would of been very frustrated, and yes, it was a very happy ending in Pattaya for me that night.

March 11, 2007 1:56 PM

*** THE COMMENT FORUM IS NOW CLOSED ***