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What happens when a 46 year-old American accountant chooses an 18 year-old Thai bride from AmericanSingles.com. A concerned reader sought my advice about a friend of hers who did exactly that. Predictably, his wife is a con-woman but he's already fallen in love.

One year ago, a childhood friend of mine, a 46-year old accountant, met an 18 year old Thai girl on an internet dating site (AmericanSingles.com). After only a few emails and a couple of weeks, he flew to meet her in Bangkok. He had already purchased a plane ticket prior to meeting her, because he was planning to visit Thailand. According to him, he simply wanted to find someone who would show him around Bangkok for 2 weeks, and this girl ("Nok") was the only Thai girl on AmericanSingles.com that agreed to pick him up at the airport and make hotel reservations for him ahead of time.

Not only did she pick him up at the Don Muang, ALONE, she proceeded to go back with him to his hotel room (one she had booked in advance for him) and spend the night beginning day one and slept in same bed with him! He said he didn't have any idea why she was doing all that so soon, but he didn't try anything "physical" since she was so young. To this day, he doesn't know if she would have done anything in that regard because he didn't make an attempt.

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She stayed with him every night and day for the entire 2 weeks he was in Bangkok, leaving him only for 2 hours a day to go to her "brother's Condo", he said. At the time, she told him the following things about her background: 1) Her father is a surgeon/hospital administrator in a small Bangkok hospital; 2) Her family is large Thai-Chinese; 3) She had been attending college, but dropped out because she was too embarrassed to go back after she "fighted with girl and parent was asked to go see teacher"; 4) Lived with her 22 year old "brother" in his Condo; 5) She owned her own Condo and BMW but her father took them away from her because she is the "blacksheep" of the family and brought a lot of shame to them; 6) Her father had forced her to see a psychiatrist between ages of 10 & 13; 7) Her biological mother divorced her father and returned to live in Hong Kong, her homeland, when Nok was a child; and 8) To this day her father says her mother is "no good".

My friend returned to the U.S., waited a week, and asked her to marry him. She said yes, but that her father/family would never approve the marriage, so it could not take place in Thailand. Undeterred, my friend had her fly to Nicaragua one month later, where they were married in a civil ceremony (also by proxy in US). My friend had flown back to Bangkok prior to the marriage to get paperwork started for visa. He was there another 2 weeks. He was never invited to meet ANY of Nok's family/friends on either of the 2 trips he made to Bangkok. Problems with the visa forced her to have to return to Bangkok for 5 months to await processing of her K-3 visa (temp Spousal). My friend said she begged him not to make her go back to Bangkok; she even offered to stay in some trashy hotel in Nicaragua until the visa was processed. She vomited all the way back on the plane.

Supposedly, she went back and lived with her so-called 22 year old "brother" (she says he's 6 ft tall); but Mark (friends name) has never met, or spoken to the "brother". As soon as she returned to Bangkok, she began to ask Mark for a divorce, but he said he wouldn't give her one unless she came to the U.S. first.

Anyway, she arrived six months ago. She refuses to cook or clean, saying she was raised with servants and doesn't know how to do those things. He has to take her out for dinner 7 nights a week. They fight constantly... 3 weeks ago, she threw all his clothes out of his apartment onto the street below and trashed inside!

I'm worried about him, because I think it's only going to escalate. At first, I bought her story about the rich surgeon-father, but her behavior and dress (wears a lot of tight jeans/halter tops) reflect that of a middle/low class girl. On the face of it, I thought, ok, perhaps she is the royal screw-up of her family and, when she dropped out of college, she felt so ashamed she thought that running away to Farangland would be the best thing. But even if she were only running away from the mess she created back in Bangkok, I still don't think an upper middle class doctor's daughter would meet a farang alone at the airport and stay with him on 2 separate trips every night without her father wondering where she was. I mean that kind of thing just doesn't happen with rich Thai men and their daughters, does it? Could it be that the "brother" is her boyfriend and put her up to looking for a rich farang to marry by posting to AmericanSingles.com, but when she actually married Mark and had to return to Bangkok, the boyfriend freaked out and threw her out or something?

Do you think she is telling the truth about her family background? She's a complete psycho, isn't she? What about Mark never meeting any of her friends or family? Do rich Thai girls throw temper tantrums and trash peoples' apartments? Or is that bar girl behavior? I'm trying to get Mark to have her investigated... but I want your opinion for support.

David replies:

Western men seem prone to fall in love with the first Thai woman they meet. Unfortunately, most of these girls turn out to be con-women. Some of the most ruthless ones are intelligent girls from middle-class backgrounds. Social status is no guarantee of integrity.

Though it may surprise you, I think that Nok's assertions about her background are true. Based on what you told me, her manner is consistent with a middle-class upbringing. She has the initiative to use the internet, organise a travel itinerary and turn up for appointments - 18 year-old peasant girls don't. It takes several years and numerous farang boyfriends to advance them to that stage. If she were 20, I would be more sceptical.

You didn't say as much but I'm assuming that she speaks reasonable English. Ordinary Thai girls don't - unless they've been working in the bars for years. If she's only 18, then she's too young to have done this. She probably studied at a decent school. Her revealing clothes tell us only that she likes to attract men. Similarly, smashing up Mark's apartment tells us only that she's got a bad temper.

There must be some truth in her story because the vetting procedure for the K-3 visa is quite rigorous. She would have had to produce documents to support her claims. The interview is quite gruelling too. It's conducted by a sceptical Thai national who knows all the tricks. I'm assuming that Mark didn't help her to concoct a false story. It's amazing how many guys do this. Are you certain that he has told you everything?

Her claims about the psychiatric treatment, getting thrown out of college for fighting and the break-up of her parents' marriage seem plausible enough because they don't show her in a particularly favourable light. Some things don't ring true though. I simply don't believe that her father bought her a condo and a BMW. Even the most successful Thai doctors don't earn that kind of money and middle-class Thai girls are expected live with their parents until they get married.

If her claim is true, it's more likely that the condo and the car were supplied by a seriously wealthy sugar-daddy. Chinese businessmen-gangsters normally keep a mistress or two and they like them very young. They're not going to waste money on a peasant girl either. An 18 year-old middle-class beauty would fit the bill perfectly. Perhaps this is how she really brought shame on her family.

Gangsters expect their mistresses to be faithful. However, being fun-loving Thai girls, they always find this part hard. The consequences of getting caught can be very serious though. Being stripped of her expensive toys would be the least of her worries. It might explain her reluctance to return from Nicaragua.

Her behaviour on returning to Bangkok was equally revealing. We can deduce two things from her asking for a divorce so quickly. Firstly, that she's not in love with Mark and, secondly, that someone made her a better offer. Thai women are like monkeys - they don't let go of one branch until they have firm hold of another. We can be fairly certain that Mark wasn't the only man she met from AmericanSingles.com.

So how does her mysterious 22 year-old "brother" fit into all this? It goes without saying that he's actually her boyfriend. Most likely, she was looking after him and paying his bills. Thai girls who go with old men for money often have a young guy poncing off them. She might still be looking after him.

My reading of Nok is that she's a middle-class girl gone bad. That she's fallen out with her family is a very bad sign. Obviously, she's been screwing around all over the place and taking what she can from everyone. No respectable Thai woman would jump into bed on the first date. It doesn't prove that she's a prostitute but it does suggest that she's a sexual predator. In short, I think she's the classic Thai con-woman - a sneaky opportunist who follows her instincts.

Not insisting on meeting her friends and family was a dreadful oversight on Mark's part. It would have allowed him to see her in the proper context and to verify her story. Unfortunately, like most con-victims, he became a willing accomplice. What she offered him was so desirable that he didn't want to catch her out. Love definitely makes blind.

He's obviously addicted to her. Everyone around him knows that the relationship will end in tears (his) but a man in love is often prepared to sacrifice everything for his girl. Appeals for him to dump her will fall on deaf ears - regardless of whether any evidence of wrongdoing emerges.

If he doesn't want to end the relationship, then at least he should manage it defensively. A few sensible precautions now will save him a lot of heartache later.

Marrying a woman of poor character was a big mistake. A Thai man in the same situation would only have taken her on as a mistress. Though he obviously doesn't want to split with her, Mark needs some legal advice in case Nok decides to divorce him. The extent of a new wife's entitlement varies from state to state. To get the K-3 visa, Mark had to sign a guarantee that his wife would never become a burden on the state. The burden might become his.

Mark should also keep his private papers under lock and key. If he is careless, Nok will be free to look through his letters, bank statements, credit card bills and house deeds etc - and might practice forging his signature. It's remarkably easy for a determined con-woman to take out a second mortgage, empty bank accounts, sell the car and max out credit cards before escaping back to Thailand - from where she can't be extradited.

Although she's his wife, Mark should always use a condom with her. Realistically, the sexual needs of an adventurous 18 year-old can't be met by a man almost old enough to be her grandfather. If an opportunity to screw around arises, she will probably take it. Like many Thai wives, she may also be secretly working as a prostitute. It's amazing what they can conceal from their husbands. He should always use a condom to protect himself from the possibility of HIV infection.

Condom use will also prevent her from inflicting the worst blow of all - producing a child. Thai brides usually give birth within the first 12 months of marriage and leave their husbands shortly afterwards. Producing a child guarantees decades of financial support. However, most Thai girls would prefer to get a lump sum up front. Taking the child to Thailand and then demanding a ransom for its safe return is a popular trick. It might even be legal. Husbands do tend to experience the rough end of family law.

The scams that a Thai con-woman can perpetrate are limited only by her imagination. The cleverer she is, the worse the outcome will be for her hapless husband. Even if she breaks the law, the enforcement agencies are simply not interested in this kind of crime.

In fairness to Nok, though, she hasn't yet committed any crime. She's a troubled teenager who has fallen out with her family and is living on her wits. Screwing around for money and telling a few lies is a path that many Thai women follow. It doesn't prove that she's a criminal. Perhaps Mark knows everything but has only told you the edited version. They might have come to a workable understanding. I would be interested to hear his side of the story.

No one can help Mark except himself. As a friend, you should accept that he has made his own choice. Badmouthing the love of his life won't get you anywhere. He won't commission a private detective because he doesn't want to know bad things about her. I'm sure he already knows that she's a gold-digger but, if she makes him happy, he probably doesn't care. He's in denial as well as being in love. In the meantime, the best you can hope for is that he will agree to take a few sensible precautions. Try not to alienate him - when it all goes wrong, he will need the shoulder of a good friend to cry on.

The drama unfolds...

• Is his Thai internet bride a con-girl? #1 (This page)
• Is his Thai internet bride a con-girl? #2
• Is his Thai internet bride a con-girl? #3
• Is his Thai internet bride a con-girl? #4

[Posted to Your Letters by David]

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