August 31 2004

Hua Hin: Home of the Thai cavalry

In the first of a series of special reports from popular beach destinations (See Beaches just a taxi-ride from Bangkok), our Mango Sauce Travel Correspondent visits Hua Hin - and reveals the smelly truth.

Last weekend, we took a trip by train to Hua Hin. It takes a little longer than driving but, as the road to Hua Hin is a little like a demolition derby, it's much more relaxing and you have a fairly good chance of reaching your destination in one piece.

We found a nice hotel, had a good evening meal and next morning took our towels and lay down on the beach. After closing our eyes for a couple of minutes we heard and felt the ground vibrate as we seemed to be in the middle of a mini earthquake. Six horses roared by raising large clouds of sand. Minutes later they returned doing the same again. What was going on? We didn't realize that we'd booked a holiday in the middle of Aintree Racecourse.

After this exhibition of machismo riding the swarthy looking horsemen dismounted and proceeded to walk their horses along the beach, who after their morning gallop, proceeded to deposit large turds in the sand and on the sea shore at frequent intervals.

Thinking a swim would be nice, we ventured into the sea but we soon discovered that we were swimming in a sea of effluent as round green turds floated by. Not content with fouling the beach, numerous Thai men were also engaged in roaring up and down the seashore on jet skis endangering the life of anyone foolish enough to try swimming.

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Meanwhile, more horses and riders appeared and, by late afternoon, there were about fifty horses and riders wandering aimlessly up and down the beach in search of customers. All the while, the horses managed to deposit turds at frequent intervals and, when not doing this, they had a good piss in the sand. The men walking and riding the horses seemed quite indifferent to the dereliction to the beach they were creating.

What puzzled us further were the jackets worn by these men which all carried the insignia on them of "Volunteer Police." Seemingly, in a bid to defend Hua Hin from an attack by Arab terrorists, the mayor decided to enlist the local mafia as deputies to act as a first line of defence against a sea borne invasion. We suspect, however, that should Mr. Bin Laden decide to mount a landing in Hua Hin you won't sea the Volunteer Police for clouds of sand as they gallop away into the distance (leaving a trail of turds behind them).

Film buffs may recall an award winning film, starring Jane Fonda, called "They shoot horses - don't they? " We propose a new Thai version of this film, entitled "They should shoot all the horses and volunteer police in Hua Hin as soon as possible" and starring Nong Nat (See Kesarin "Nong Nat" Chaichalermpol: Porn star).

Otherwise, we enjoyed our holiday and quite liked Hua Hin.

Incredibly, within its 634 pages, Thailand: The Rough Guide doesn't even mention Hua Hin's horse infestation. In fact, the popular resort barely gets a mention. What they do say is this.

The numerous farang managed bars make Hua Hin a favourite haunt of expatriate Western men. With the far superior beaches of Ko Samui, Krabi and Ko Samet so close at hand, there's little here to draw the sunseeker.

...and then it goes on to devote hundreds of pages to obscure one-horse towns that I've never even heard of. I get the distinct impression that the tie-dyed, banana pancake-eating researcher didn't even bother to visit Hua Hin.

When the book mentions Western men, it invariably adopts a sneering tone - unless they're gay, of course (See Rough treatment for Thailand sex-tourists).

It should be renamed Thailand: The Girls and Gays Guide.

[Posted to Your Letters by David]

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Readers' comments

mr peter says:

It surprises me that anyone bothers buying travel guides these days. Almost everything you need to know is on the internet and it's often more up to date than any guide. I don't think you can stay at the Atlanta though unless you are carrying a copy of lonely planet when you arrive. The maps are often hopeless in most of them and they have no nightlife info at all. Anyway you can hire a 'guide' when you get there.-peter

August 31, 2004 3:12 PM

BTDT says:

The Lonely Planet Guide is useful. If a place is praised in Lonely Planet --- dont go there, it will be full of backpackers and the like paying over the odds for a sub-standard service and calling it authentic.

August 31, 2004 4:08 PM

Combover says:

The latest edition of LP Thailand I found to be brick-thick, detailed and useful, especially for phone numbers and A to B information. Internet still doesn't quite cut it. Nightlife is always better sussed out when you get there anyway.

It's also less judgemental of sex-tourists and Pattaya-hounds than the Rough Guide and its own previous editions. Plus many of the hotel listings are no longer geared towards soap-dodging penny pinchers - either of the Ko Phangnan or the Soi 7 beer garden variety.

August 31, 2004 4:42 PM

Dark says:

Naw, I still find "LP" to still be Gay and Feminazi slanted with subtle and blatent putdowns of Heterosexual Men expressing their sexuality. And it gushes over places for Gays to cruise for sex and glosses over venues for heterosexuals.
Plus it seems to ignore many good features of some towns (clean malls, rooms with good plumbing)
and extol the joys of ratty guesthouses and "authentic" shops selling PC goods ( like anything made by hill tribes) to please old hippies and backpackers who read their nonsense
( who still have their "Mc Govern for Pres" sticker on their Northface backpacks along with their Earthshoes and mood rings).

"This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, age of Aquarius x2 , Aquariuuuuuusssssssss !"

Yes, it is good for basic information but it is all filtered through a Feminazi/Green/Hippie lense.
For up-to-date information on hotels,nightlife and scams to avoid for heterosexual Men on-line sex monger sites are superior.

I had the misfortune to rent one of those nags a decade ago and found it to be very uncomfortable after the thrill ran out.

Dark

August 31, 2004 5:59 PM

ching_choke says:

*ditto*

August 31, 2004 7:30 PM

mr peter says:

'I had the misfortune to rent one of those nags a decade ago and found it to be very uncomfortable after the thrill ran out.'

At first I thought this was about barfining a young lady, but I think it must be horses. I tried in vain to get several girls on a horse but no luck. It's a pity the front at HH has been blighted by that melia/hilton monstosity. I believe at one time, and it still might be the case, that no high rises like this were allowed to be built on the front. However the involvement of a certain famous personage ensured this one went up.-peter

August 31, 2004 8:07 PM

Blagger says:

Only buy LP guides in their counterfeit/2nd hand form.

September 1, 2004 1:29 AM

UncleBob says:

Horse turds are jut chewed up grass. What a city slicker. Seriously, it's nothing like dog shit or something, not even close. I don't ride, but I grew up on a small farm; cow and horse crap isn't anything that should end your vacation for crying out loud.

Sissy.

September 1, 2004 8:12 AM

Greg says:

On Saturday Big C Chapel is bumping with bodies.
What shall we pray for?

We gather at least.

September 1, 2004 3:47 PM

Tracey Emin says:

Dunno about horse shit, but cow manure can be a source of e.coli.

*factamundo*

September 1, 2004 3:49 PM

Horses Blinker says:

As far as I'm concerned, Pattaya is just a theme park for adults, and when I say adults I mean men and when I say men I mean Farangs and when I say Farangs I mean sad geezers with no sense of originality or the wherewithall to actually put some thought into a vacation.

Having said that, I come from a town in Scotland where most people are lucky to reach the outskirts while clad in their jogging bottoms than consider travelling further afar. Mind you, on my one and only trip to Pattaya, I did meet 2 Scottish guys (their were "proudly" wearing their kilts) who turned out to be from my home town. Also it turned out that they have an annual 3 week pilgrimage to Pattaya without the wives so they can shag themselves silly. This was their 8th year. Surprised? You could have fixed me up with a toothless, moonlighting dinner lady and I'd have have gone for it.

Mind you, I did have a threesome (2 girls) for the first time ever in Pattaya. I also got my dad laid for the first time since he split from Mummy 8 years earlier. Not to mention a great tan, good food.

Perhaps it's not such a sad place after all.

Later dudes, I'm just gonna jump in the car for a quick trip. Love these boards - they are so cathartic!

September 1, 2004 7:05 PM

Duck says:

Hua Hin is a great place to golf, see lots of Euro Farangs but lousy for mongering.

"Looney Planet" is still geared towards old hippies and backpackers.

It still recommends fan-cooled guest houses w/ shared baths who lock the gates after 12 to discourage club-hopping.

It also manages to miss at least 3 perfectly good guest-friendly hotels in every city.

It downplays the disadvantages ( poor roads, pot holes, no Farang restaurants,dog shit, poor bus service, no net cafes) of small cities if they are "ethnic" enough( dim shops selling handmade crafts by hill tribes,no AC malls and no English signage).

It hates modern cities with malls, clean streets,sanitation, Farang restaurants, net cafes and such for "spoiling" Thailand.

I avoid any place that trumpets "Approved by Lonely Planet".

Duck

Duck

September 1, 2004 7:19 PM

Our Man Flint says:

I met a well known LP writer in Pai (near Chaing Mai) and can confirm that the LP readership get the writers they deserve (ie. w@nkers)

September 1, 2004 9:29 PM

usvirgin says:

Does LP recommend the Cafe Del Doi? A friend of mine allegedly ran up a record bar tab there, then he and the bar owner "ruined the eco-vibe" for the tourists by hitting a bucket of golf balls from the bar into the Pai River.

:-))

September 2, 2004 1:24 AM

Boney says:

Gosh! Feckless Thais taking their God-given paradise and turning it into a filthy, chaotic, unlivable shit-hole. What next?

September 3, 2004 9:21 AM

Onehunglow says:

My 1987 edition of "Insight guides" book on Thailand mentions the horses Hua Hins beaches but there is no mention of the horse shit.
There are two pages on Patpong bars and massage parlours and it covers accomodation fron boarding houses to five star hotels.
Vastly superior to lonely planet or that other rag.

January 27, 2007 7:25 AM

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