July 9 2004

A genuine sick buffalo story

In traditional Thai medicine the best cure for a "sick" buffalo is a farang cash injection but, given that it's hard to persuade a perfectly healthy specimen to play dead, the donor rarely gets to meet the patient - unless he insists on taking a look for himself. Our Mango Sauce Bovine Affairs Correspondent tells the story of a man who did just that.

Despite exciting events in Euro 2004 the entire front page of The Bangkok Post was recently devoted to a proposal by the Agriculture Minister to import cows into Thailand from Australia. While there is undoubtedly something under-udder about this proposal it is not the purpose of this article to speculate what's afoot. Instead, we are reminded of a story told to us by an Australian living in Bangkok, let's call him Bruce, who fell in love with, Khun Dao, a girl from Nong Kai.

One day Miss Dao turned up at Bruce's apartment with tears in her eyes: her father's two buffaloes were sick - he must help her do something. Now normally, sick buffaloes, after Mama ill, and Grandmother dying, is the third most common manipulative reason used to extract money from farangs. In this case though, our Bruce was no fool: he needed a new visa so why not go to Nong Kai, on the way to Vientiane, and see for himself what ailed these buffaloes?

Arriving at Khun Dao's father's farm he was immediately struck by how dirt poor these folk were. They lived in a hut in the middle of their rice fields and sure enough there were two buffaloes lying down on their haunches looking very sad. Now fortunately, Bruce's cousin, Vic, was a vet in Perth so he gave his cousin a quick phone call on his cell phone to describe the symptoms and explained these animals were as "sick as a blue parrot mate". Fortunately, Vic the vet diagnosed what was wrong and knew what was needed "no worries mate" and told Bruce what to do.

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Bruce dutifully caught the next bus to Udon Thani, the nearest big city, and purchased the necessary chemicals from a pharmacy to make the magic cure. Returning to the farm he mixed these in a bucket into a thick black paste which he then smeared liberally onto the spines of the sick buffaloes.

Having done his bit he then popped over the Friendship Bridge into Vientiane and spent a couple of days with Khun Dao idling time away in Laos.

Returning to the farm, lo and behold, Lazarus-like, the two buffaloes were back on their feet and contentedly chewing grass. Seemingly, the buffaloes had been afflicted by ticks that injected parasites into their blood stream and the medicine of black paste killed-off the ticks on their backs. Bruce was so pleased he went to stroke the male buffalo and was promptly chased around the field by a very fit and fully recovered buffalo. "Strewth mate, these buffaloes are bloody ungrateful" said an exhausted Bruce which to the western mind demonstrates how in Thailand "no good deed goes unpunished".

However, what's curious about this tale is that it transpires some years ago Khun Dao had been sold by her father to a brothel outside Bangkok and the father had used the money he obtained to buy, you guessed it, two buffaloes. Now this girl, who had escaped from her brothel after three years, had every reason to hate her father and his buffaloes but in some spirit of family loyalty she had done all she could to bring them back to health. This bizarre set of circumstances, to the eastern mind, is an example of how in Thailand it seems "bad deeds go unpunished and continue to bring forth their own rewards".

[Posted to Your Letters by David]

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Readers' comments

Whippet says:

A superb tale (and a fantastic piece of photoshop genius!).

As I write this I have just been informed by my own little fun bunny that she has just had all her money stolen and is on her way round to cry on my shoulder. I fear I too am about to be afflicted by ticks that inject parasites into one's blood stream. ;-)

July 9, 2004 2:05 PM

Muggins says:

Yeah, the 'stolen money' one is pretty common.

An ex of mine used to sell T-shirts near Khao San road. One night 2 Italians managed to swindle her out of her entire stock for 4 fake $100 bills.

It seemed so far fetched that I coughed up.

How about a thread on sob stories?

July 9, 2004 4:06 PM

John U says:

David,

Another brilliant photo. This one continues to make me laugh.

I know you've done a fair bit of work on it, turning the buffalo upside down, and pasting him behind the surgeon. But it looks like a miracle of levitation with him suspended stiff legged in mid air like that.

And I like the under floor lighting illuminating his back. :<))

Does that mean that Thailand has embraced the heinous crime of taking photos up ladies skirts with thsoe damned camera phones? That kind of lighting is perfect for the perverted bastards that take those photos. :<))

July 9, 2004 4:18 PM

Michael K. says:

Sometimes you just don't know whether to believe these girls or not.

I once got a phone call from a Thai girlfriend claiming she'd been kidnapped by Al Quaeda and needed ransom money. I brushed it off as a pitiful attempt to rip me off.

Didn't I feel such a fool the next day when her headless body was dumped on my doorstep! :0

July 9, 2004 4:52 PM

Tracey Emin says:

The letters page of Viz lives on.

July 9, 2004 4:55 PM

Micheal K. says:

Hi Tracey

Remember that putting a measure of gin in your goldfish bowl helps the fish to swim around in an amusing fashion.

July 9, 2004 5:04 PM

John U says:

Fuck,

I'd forgotten about Viz. They don't have it in the local newsagents. Haven't seen it for years.

Anybody know where I can send for a subscription?

Do they still have the Fat Slags?

Fucking great little paper.

July 9, 2004 5:08 PM

mr peter says:

www.viz.co.uk should be it.

One fat slag to another, 'how do you know when yuv ah an orgasm tracey?' ' I drop me fucking chips don't I'

'What do use for protection then when yur aving it like?'

' what ya fink, the fucking bus shelter, ya dozy cow'

July 9, 2004 5:36 PM

John U says:

Thanks Mr. Peter,

:<)) Fucking priceless.

Bus shelter be fucked :<))

July 9, 2004 7:19 PM

LLSO says:

We've all heard these sick buffalo stories. Last Songkran when we were up at the wifes families farm in Buri Ram Papa bought a plastic pouch of something with a buffalo on it.

I thought it was buffallo jerky or something. I asked her what is that and she replied Yaa (medicine for the buffalo. Buffalo Mai sabaii.

So yes they really are sick buffaloes,

LL

July 9, 2004 10:00 PM

John U says:

Michael K,

I missed your little anecdote. How did I miss that?

Anyway, do tell, how the fuck did you recognise her?

:<))

July 10, 2004 6:11 PM

mr peter says:

Maybe she had his name tatooed on her arse. Although I have known a couple of girls who had 'your name' tatooed on their bums letting them tell any bloke they had just met that 'I have had your name tatooed on my arse' good chat up line and incentive for a barfine to inspect the work-peter

July 10, 2004 7:37 PM

JohnUK says:

For overseas subscription enquiries for Viz e-mail
intlquery@seymour.co.uk

JohnUK

July 10, 2004 9:35 PM

Gary says:

Quote:"Didn't I feel such a fool the next day when her headless body was dumped on my doorstep! :"

She must've been two-timing us cos I recieved her head. Wanna swap? lol

July 26, 2004 5:19 PM

wilbur says:

Mine once told me she had got her wallet (an expensive designer job that I had just bought her when we were in Singapore) containing a bunch of money stolen from her handbag at an open-air market. When she called me crying, I accused her of making it up. We had a screaming row on the phone.

Well, I felt more than a LITTLE shitty when she and her girlfriend went down to the station and filed a police report! I replaced the money. Yes, she COULD have done that for show, but the Thais generally stay far away from cops unless they have very damn good reason not to, so I was persuaded. When we're at markets now (I go about 10% of the times she goes, ugh), she keeps her handbag tucked under her arm like a running back, and she will only buy handbags with zippers and other locking devices.

She still brings that incident up now and then (it was two years ago), either to once again complain about my behavior that evening, or to complain about the loss of the wallet, which she loved. Never a mention of the money...

July 26, 2004 7:46 PM

Dan says:

Yeah, when Thais remember losing money, even if it was 5,000 baht five years ago, they're like "shit, shit, shit, shit!..." etc.

Someone once told me one way Thais show love for each other is by providing money; we're (of course) expected to do the same.

When I explain to them "but it's not the money, it's the principle of the thing..." I usually end up getting nowhere...

July 30, 2004 4:32 PM

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