April 1 2004

Buri Ram girls abducted by aliens

The riddle of Buri Ram's missing girls has finally been solved. Our Mango Sauce Space Correspondent has the details:

An American newspaper recently reported the results of a survey showing that: (a) no-one could recall voting for George Bush Jnr and (b) that 4 million Americans claimed to have been abducted by Aliens (See www.csicop.org). While the first survey result is quite understandable; the second finding might, at first sight, seem rather improbable - that is until the results of strange happenings involving little green men in north-east Thailand are revealed.

If you have ever walked down a village street in Buri Ram province (why you should be doing that is, in itself, an interesting survey question) you might notice a complete absence of females in the age group 15 - 30 years old. In fact, all you see on those dusty streets are groups of rather surly men loitering idly to no good intent (if all you had to look at were grandmothers and buffalos perhaps you'd be grumpy too). But where have all the little brown bunnies gone?

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The answer, it can be exclusively revealed, is abduction by little green men, or Aliens, who, once a month, visit Buri Ram province in their space ship hoovering-up all eligible females in the target age group. Seemingly, the Aliens have a contract with Khun King, of the Kings Group, and Khun Chuwit of too many Massage Parlours on Ratchada to name, to deliver to each organisation 500 females per month. (Apparently, this number of deliveries is required monthly to replace those girls abducted by another type of alien - this time called "alien Farang").

Once scooped-up from the streets, the girls are transported to Bangkok where at 3.00 in the morning they are down-loaded into a fleet of waiting Tuk Tuks in Lumpini Park. A quick Zap! to the head by stun ray gun ensures most memories of their alien space ship journey are erased and Khun's King and Chuwit have their next batch of employees.

Visitors to Pat Pong should, however, be warned that this method of involuntary amnesia can be reversed, with unfortunate results. If the visitor is of modest size, wears green clothing, and stares too much at the dancing girls, causing his eyes to bulge, memory flashbacks can occur resulting in large size dancing boots being violently applied to the visitor's head.

Reportedly, many don't react well to the anal probe either.

[Posted to Your Letters by David]

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