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Shu Qi would make quite a good catch (See Shu Qi: Actress and nude model) but some fellas are a little less discerning. Mango Sauce reader, Andy, fell in love with an alcoholic, deaf and dumb, illegal immigrant Pattaya hooker with two black eyes. Even when she took to nude base-jumping without a parachute and beating her head on marble floors, his affection for her didn't waver.

Andy gallantly rescued his dusky damsel in distress and took good care of her family. All he wanted in return was her loyalty but what he actually got was a painful lesson in human nature. The Thais say "don't stroke the dog or it will lick your face" but Andy was convinced that his kindness would be rewarded. His dream was of a shared life in a little house nestling in the Shan hills - but, to her, he was merely a buffalo and she completely took the piss.

Andy already knows that the situation is hopeless but he can't bring himself to dump the girl. His sympathy for her borders on Stockholm Syndrome. Before reaching the end of his email, I too was banging my head on the floor.

Well, today I am one pissed-off farang. Let me tell you why. A few years ago, I took a holiday in Thailand. I fell in with an English family at our stopover in Germany and they said they were heading to a beach resort called Pattaya. They said I would enjoy it and I should tag along.

I soon realised that there was more fun to be had than on a day trip to Southend and, inevitably, I woke up late next day, hung over, with a Thai girl in my bed.

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A quick learner, I rushed about the city like a loon for a day or two until I saw a little girl called Nat in a bar. Well, that was it. We spent the holiday together and the next holiday and the next and the next and the next etc. I cannot really remember how many holidays I have been on now but it's a fair few years.

Not always great times. Nat could be moody and a drunk but, at the end of the day, she was my girl so I did not mind. Oh yes. I should add something significant. She had a long term English boyfriend before me and she is not actually Thai. She is from a neighbouring country. Most significantly, she is disabled. She is deaf.

Yes, you are reading this correctly. I went to Thailand and fell for a deaf foreign bar girl. In due course I asked her to stop working in the bar and she did. I provided her with an income, a comfortable apartment and presents.

A year ago, in August, I received a call from her best friend, Pui. It seems that Nat was shacked up with a farang in the apartment I pay for and was spending my money on him. I was a buffalo, she said, but a good man who did not deserve this.

She said he was always around and just timed his visits for dates I was in England. As proof, she gave me her own Hotmail details and, sure enough, there was an email from a Kevin to Pui. He asked her to change Nat's password because he was on his way and wanted to make sure I did not find out anything.

I was pretty pissed off and phoned a mate who ran a bar, whose wife knew Nat. He confirmed it was all true and that there was a Thai boyfriend too.

When I stopped the money, it seems Nat went for Kevin with a razor and gave him the boot. Ho hum... I carried on being a buffalo.

In November, when I was there, Nat was not in the best of moods. We went to see her family and son. I kinda like them and her son is a good kid. As a farang, I built (paid for) a well and brought everyone presents.

Back in Pattaya, Nat was charm itself most of the time and became the engaging scamp I loved. However, there was also a darker side coming through. She was drinking and I mean really drinking. One night, she accused me (she can't speak but we do Charades pretty good) of seeing the wife of my English mate, who she had fallen out with.

Within minutes, she had managed to grab a bottle of whiskey and downed it in one. She was now out of it, growling and wailing till she passed out. Coming to in my room, she decides we are finished, throws her mobile (for texting) down the loo and starts head-butting the marble floor. When this did not knock her out, she decided to take a jump off the balcony.

Great. A four foot one pissed naked ninja-girl trying to nock my head off to get to the balcony. The worst night of my life. Next morning, I felt sorry for her. Poor little deaf girl sold by her nasty family to Thailand. We carried on as usual. I tried to get her ears sorted and some decent papers.

Six months later, I was back. Nat had a black eye and bruises. She had been drinking and had fallen over. Her room had been jemmied and the local girls had beaten her up and robbed her. When we kissed, she coughed up blood. I took her to hospital. They said to leave her here and come back in a week.

She was out in three days but stuff was not right with us. We went to visit her family and son again and that was ok. I knew I had to do something because our relationship was not what I thought it should be. Fuck meÔø? "relationship." I can't believe I'm actually using that word but actually I do and did.

Pretty much everyone in the UK knows I date a Thai girl, even my mum (Though not what she did when we met. I maintained a fiction that she was a nanny). I even carry a little family photo of me, Nat, her sister and her son in my wallet.

So from April to now? I thought things were looking good. I said go to school. She tried. I said go to massage school. She did. I said leave Pattaya. She said ok, as long as you sort out where and make sure I am safe there.

To todayÔø?

When I first went to Pattaya, Nat had a best friend called Fon. Fon is an older woman, married to a German in his 70's. Nowadays, she spends most of the year in Germany, coming back to Thailand for three months at a time. She loves staying out all night and drinking and singing karaoke. I have often spent time at her house, which Otto built, and, though she can be a pain in the arse trying to drag me to karaoke at all hours, she is ok. She and Nat understand each others signs perfectly and Fon stayed with Nat when she was in hospital.

So, today, Fon calls me and says sorry my girl is no good. She is pissed up all the time and shacked up with some farang (the one from before?) in her apartment. They are having "big boxing" and he hit her many times. Fon suggests I stop all funding until Nat reforms and she (Fon) will call me when my girl is a good girl again.

Deja vu.

Can't the cheap bastard afford a hotel?

What the fuck is going on?

Do I believe Fon? I think the answer is yes. I can't see why Fon would lie. I have no corroboration this time but, when Pui told me stuff before, she was proved right when my English mate corroborated it.

I have been dumped before but never by a deaf illegal immigrant hooker in Thailand who I support and whose family I support and who I genuinely like and feel for and hoped that one day we might make a life together. Yes, I know that I have no business taking up with such a girl and our life would hardly be conventional. Nevertheless, somehow I allowed myself to dream this.

Most galling of all is that I am crazed by Nat's stupidity. As of yesterday, her life was good. It had prospects. Today, it looks slightly less rosy. It freaks me out that her future is screwed (literally) without me. She survived before but I wonder if she could do it again and, as she gets older, her prospects as a bar girl diminish, especially given that she is never gonna get whisked off to Farangland and given her nationality.

I could rationalise things better if I was an ugly creep with bad personal hygiene but I'm not. I'm not saying that I am Leonardo Di Caprio but I'm not a dog either. Her friends seem to like me enough to try to protect me from the worst of my stupidity.

Most people will say I have been a total and utter twat. My protestations that my girl was different have, it seemed, been proved false. My dream of a little house in the Shan hills laughable. Yet it did seem possible. It really did.

Where we go from here, I do not know. I know what I must do but am loath to do it. I might be a hard nosed bastard professionally but when the girly starts wailing or worse I can't hack it.

So, David, there is bog all point to this post. It's mainly that I just feel a bit crazy and wanted to write something down.

(The names have been changed)

Bar girls are for recreational use only, Andy, and you discovered this the hard way. Don't beat yourself up about it, though. When you return to Thailand, it'll take just 10 minutes to find yourself another companion.

You shouldn't expect her to remain faithful, though. It's like expecting a puppy not to piss on the rug.

[Posted to Your Letters by David]

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