April 30 2004

The best divorce letter ever written

Tanai Kwai sends us this gem. It's not about Thailand and we don't know who the author is but it's absolutely priceless - particularly if you've ever been through a bitter divorce (and who hasn't, these days?).

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?

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And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing. That gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love,
Dan

[Posted to Your Letters by David]

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Readers' comments

Bad Face says:

Good fun. Reminds me of the Charles Bukowski book I'm reading called "Post office". Glad to see something from Tanai Kwai that doesn't seem like it was written by some know-it-all old fart wearing reading glasses, doing a crossword puzzle.

April 30, 2004 3:48 PM

John U says:

Fucking brilliant. *******

I don't know. Was it the wine last night? I can't understand it I'm laughing like fuck this morning. That usually only happens after I've blown my balls off and she tickles me. (do you find that guys? really sensitive after a good fuck? especially "down there")

I wish I'd seen this when I was going through my divorce

May 1, 2004 3:24 PM

Prorogue says:

possible the most sadistic and intellectual post ever made. pure class.

May 1, 2004 5:51 PM

Thomas says:

brilliant, I would like to had that words when I was trying to tell my x-wife why I didnt want to try again, after she ran away with another guy! ;-)

May 2, 2004 7:31 AM

Spec-fucking-tacular says:

class...
Eeezeegeeza

May 4, 2004 2:03 PM

stu_$ says:

pure genius
gets my vote for funniest post ever...
anywhere
cheers...stu$

May 5, 2004 1:08 AM

Harry Boroditsky says:

Absolutely top rate satire!! Bukowski is great but he never crafted this type. We need more of this!

Cheers!

June 22, 2004 11:36 AM

Neophyte Farang says:

In-fucking-credibly funnny. I was laughing out loud in my house at 1:30 AM and I have to work tomorrow!!!

That one deserves a classic toast:

Here's to the woman, that I love best.
I love her best, when she's undressed.

I'd fuck her standing, sitting, or lying.
If she had wings, I'd fuck her flying.

Bend her over, stick in her rear.
If it doesn't fit there, ram it in her ear.

Now she's dead, and long forgotten.
But I'd dig her up, and fuck her rotten!!!

A true classic bound to make your friends laugh at any bar...

Salud!!! or Cheers!!!

June 22, 2004 3:34 PM

Prorogue says:

This is still so good... Worth a reread any day.

Pro.

August 10, 2004 2:43 AM

Sarah Waugh says:

Here's my original response to the Dear Connie letter:

Dear Dan,

Thank you for your letter. It really opened my eyes to see the type of man you could really be. Your honesty has inspired me to tell you about my true feelings for you!

You’re right the counselor did say to us that we shouldn’t contact one another, but he was wrong. Let me tell you he was wrong about a lot of things! In my one-on-one appointment with him, he told me our marriage may have ended due to sexual problems… so I lifted up my skirt and straddled his hard throbbing cock, and rode him for 2 hrs. straight. He never mentioned our possible “sexual problems” again. In fact, he was so impressed by my sexual techniques that I now receive free one-on-one appointments weekly.

Dan I am sorry your pride has gotten in the way of us getting back together. I actually was ready to make the first move. In fact I was ready and willing to crawl back to you just as you hoped. I even got on my hands and knees and headed for the door. I was so looking forward to being back in your arms… to beg for your forgiveness and for you to come back to me, but when I got to the door, I was confronted by your best friend Jim… and since I was already down there I unzipped his fly and wrapped my luscious lips around his enormous hard-on that has to be at least 4-5 inches larger than the peanut sized one that you have. Well it turned me on so much, that I sucked him off so good he couldn’t help but orgasm in my mouth, and when he did I licked his sweet tasting man juice right off my chin. It turns out that all I really needed was man who could excite me like you never could.

I also look for you in the muscular bodies and tight asses of all the men that pick up on me daily. I found myself searching day after day looking for someone who compared to you. But All I seem to find is young men with outrageous physiques and handsome young faces and full heads of hair. It was only then did I realize if I were to find another you I would have to look someplace else.

So I decided to go to Flamingo’s… the place that is famous for divorced middle aged men fighting a mid-life crisis. Well I met this young 19 year old hooker out front. After talking with her for a few minutes, to my sad surprise she confessed how slow business had been since she had contracted herpes. I felt bad for her so I offered to help her make a little money. It ended up costing me more then I was planning when she found out who I wanted her sleep with… but it was money well spent in the end. I completely understood that she needed to get paid at least $500 to have sex with you.

And of course I remember Carol… she was one of my bridesmaids at our wedding. Remember when she needed to borrow our car a little while back because hers was in the shop? Well when I had lent her the keys she promised that she would pay me back one day in one way or another. And she did… in more ways then I had ever thought possible. I hoped you liked the lasagna I baked you. I asked Carol to bring it over to you. I knew if I used lots of strong Italian spices that you would never notice your dog’s crap I picked out of the yard and mixed in the spaghetti sauce.

Oh and about my sister, I might have been a little peeved had I not found out last week that she was adopted. I know it’s sad, but my parents had to wait to tell her until she turned 18. Come to find she has a history of down syndrome in the family and her birth parents were unable to care for one more child. But here’s the kicker Dan, congratulations… she’s pregnant with your kid. Good luck with a second child support payment. I hear it’s rather expensive to care for a child with special needs.

Dan my darling, in my heart I use to believe you were the one for me… but now that I realize I can have someone so much better than you, I know this is not the case. I’d love to write more, But I need to take care of that man lying between my legs right now.

Love,
Connie

August 19, 2006 3:13 AM

evil woman says:

this is the greatest thing i have read in a long time, men think that we women just cant live without them, Connies response is right on.

November 8, 2006 4:58 AM

lala says:

Men tend to exaggerate their sexual conquests...

Remember if they say the slept with 3 women...it was really one, usually a hooker.

Women don't usually have much to hide about their sexual conquests, it's usually truthful :)

December 6, 2006 10:32 PM

Grunt says:

I beg to differ lala, at least where the American female is concerned.

Put simply, when an American female says it has slept with 5 guys, it is safe to assume that number can be multiplied by itself. A nice conservative number.

For added clarification, at least half of these 25 "conquests" will be convicted felons, or perhaps even farm animals.

Not that theres anything wrong with that.

December 7, 2006 12:55 AM

Flamer says:

The best thing about the women's responses is that they're simply oozing bitterness, hamfistedly attempting to strike back, while the first letter is subtle and clever. Frankly, the women trying to 'respond' to this letter just don't get it at all.

At least, not recently or well.

December 21, 2006 9:41 PM