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A shark pool, some lethal gadgets and a bowler hat-hurling midget in formal wear are the essential ingredients for some James Bond-related fun in Bangkok. Blofeld might fit in quite well here too.

Everyone's seen the famous dwarf doorman at the Check Inn 99 on Sukhumvit Road. I ventured inside once but the drinks were massively overpriced and the pervasive stench of wee left me shaken and most definitely not stirred.

The stylish Sin bar, situated in the unglamorous-sounding Raja Hotel Car Park, has a real-life shark tank. Unfortunately, however, it hangs from the ceiling so feeding your bungling subordinates to the fishes would take considerably more effort than a simple button-click.

In these far from ideal circumstances, unless Mr Bond was first relieved of his versatile Rolex and chained safely to a pulley, blurting out your fiendish plans for world domination too early would probably be a mistake. Personally, I'd just shoot the bugger at the first opportunity but, with Blofeld, you might as well be talking to a first-time tourist in love with a bar girl.

I asked the bartender what happens when the sharks get too big.

"We get new ones."

The food at Sin is quite nice but, when the sharks shrink overnight, it might be wise to avoid the "tuna" salad for a week or two.

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Avid Bond-watchers will remember the famous scene in Diamonds Are Forever where bikini-clad minxes Bambi and Thumper give 007 a good kicking. When the upstairs bar at Suzy Wongs was fitted out as a boxing gym, I too suffered a similar fate. James subdued his sexy adversaries by holding their heads underwater so I'm not venturing upstairs again until Suzy Wongs installs a swimming pool.

It's here that the analogy starts to break down a bit.

Far from being a hollowed-out volcano, your Bangkok base is more likely to be a shabby mid-range hotel room with semen-stained soft furnishings. When James and two hundred ninja warriors burst in to thwart your evil scheme they'll barely have the space to turn around.

When you'd normally be dusting off the escape pod or firing-up the underground monorail the last thing you want to be doing is arguing over the fare with a Bangkok tuk-tuk driver.

Those long-tailed boats with an un-silenced truck-engine strapped to the back would make for an exciting chase sequence but a single mouthful of black khlong-water could seriously cramp your style. When you get the shits for a fortnight, classy babes with highly suggestive names aren't exactly going to be eating out of your hand.

James had merely to wave his plonker at slappers like Pussy Galore to turn them into good girls but I’ve yet to meet any real-life guy who’s managed to pull off the same trick on Soi Cowboy.

That really would be fiction.

[Posted to TV/Movies by David]

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