September 12 2006

Sexy girls from war zones

Amidst the squalor of an Angolan refugee camp, a photojournalist chum couldn't help but notice that some of the starving women, in their ragged bras and knickers, were seriously hot.

Documenting a heart-rending tableau of human misery is far from easy when near-naked Angolan eye-candy keeps wandering into your shot.

Years of travel have convinced my friend that the world's most notorious war zones and trouble spots are also home to the world's hottest babes and, today, I intend to put his theory to the test.

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After two generations of relative peace, the West has become notorious for having bred the fattest and least-fancied race of women in human history.

As they browse non-pornographic websites, waiting impatiently for their portly wives to lumber out of the house, most Western men will probably agree that it's time to put the "beauty through battle" hypothesis to the test.

Taking each continent in turn, the most violent country in South America is Colombia and it's fair to say that Colombian girls are as sex-crazed as they are babelicious.

To break the ice on a first date, a well brought-up Colombian girl will normally put a gentleman at ease by laying out a line of coke on her bare arse - but this is a family website so I obviously can't condone drug use.

The horn of Africa is a hotbed of violent conflict and, as predicted by our theory, the women are taller and more graceful than their Sub-Saharan sisters. However, since most of us are unlikely to be passing through Darfur or Eritrea anytime soon, plans for dinner and a movie are probably premature.

Aside from a bit of trouble in the Caucuses, Russia too has enjoyed sixty years of peace. While it's true that the Russian prostitutes you see just about everywhere are superficially attractive in a "crack-whore Barbie" kind of way, the average Muscovite female has all the grace and elegance of a Soviet era tractor.

Five years down the line, I'm still suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after just twelve hours exposure to an Aeroflot cabin crew.

The Middle East is a notorious trouble spot and it's rumoured that some Arab girls have a sexy Nefertiti thing going on but the authorities make them wear bags over their heads so it's a difficult place to gather data.

Israel, on the other hand, is full of dusky, raven-haired babes in uniform and one can only imagine the delights on offer should they wish to detain you for questioning.

Afghanistan is arguably the most troubled country on earth, with an uninterrupted history of violence going back centuries, so it's no surprise that a particularly striking Afghan girl graced the most famous magazine cover in history.

Sadly, seventeen years later, National Geographic's "girl with the haunting green eyes" had turned into an absolute minger and photographer Steve McCurry probably wishes he hadn't bothered tracking her down.

Our "bombs make babes" theory has held up pretty well so far but it runs into problems in Asia. The world's most beautiful women hail from Thailand but conflict avoidance has been Thai national policy for generations.

After an imaginary consultation with that brainy FBI mathematician with the bad haircut from CBS cop show Numb3rs (assisted by that little bloke from Ally McBeal doing extremely hard sums on a whiteboard) we've come to the conclusion that if you take the SE Asian average - which includes Burma, Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia - there's been enough carnage in this region to guarantee the supply of sizzling, red-hot Asian tottie until well into the next century.

Obviously, the theory still needs polishing up a bit but, once I've sifted through the generous offers of research funding from prestigious academic institutions that will soon be flooding in, I'll need to think about what I'm going to say to the world's top scientists when I finally pick up my gong in Stockholm.

[Posted to Travel by David]

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Readers' comments

bangkokram says:

An interesting idea. Maybe a more plausible theory is the expansion of McDonalds!

Any country that doesn't have McDonalds (Most of the countries you mention) still have well fit women.

Thailand beware, the McDonalds generation will be hitting the streets in around 10 years.

September 12, 2006 12:59 PM

Frito Bandito says:

who cares if American women are bigger, I like em thick n full!! more cushion for da pushin!

September 12, 2006 1:00 PM

Sniffer says:

I think where this theory seriously falls apart is when you come to Northern Ireland; generations of conflict but the women, be they proddies or left-footers, are the second most minging in the world. Behind, I hardly need to say,the Welsh

September 12, 2006 1:03 PM

Andy says:

Given the number of ordnance dropped and landmines laid in the last forty years, this area should at least be the Shangri-La for amputee fetishists at least.
Maybe thats how wars start; over fit women? The West can at least look forward to continuing peace and tranquility in this respect.

September 12, 2006 1:41 PM

Jack Wow says:

Having visited most major war zones in England at chucking out time on a saturday night I have to say this theory is way off the mark.

September 12, 2006 1:51 PM

Common Sense says:

I've spent quite a bit of time in Iraq and will attest that there are some hotties over there but don't plan on getting your hands on them without the whole family attempting to kill you. Wars should only be fought in countries where the women have a bit more freedom to use their main money makers.

September 12, 2006 3:23 PM

philH says:

How could your thesis be so dismissive of Asia to the point that Viet Nam doesn't even rate a mention. OK the war has been over a while now and certainly not all of the totty is top drawer but, from the ones I've clocked, I'd say the Thai sisters had better watch out. Down side is that you are likely to have the old bill kicking your hotel door in in the wee hours.

As for ten years, I'd say the MacDonald's generation are starting to hit the chrome poles now. Last time I was up there in LOS the go-go girls were starting to look a little pudgy.

September 12, 2006 4:52 PM

kevin roberts says:

How true your theory is,the biggest ongoing war zone on earth is in my pants everytime I visit Pattaya, and the most beutiful wommen on earth is in Thailand.
Is'nt science wonderful?

September 12, 2006 5:40 PM

Grunt says:

You UK types are a hoot. You think because you can spot the random chavette you corner the market on mingers? Hah!

I suggest you take a week long soiree to lovely downtown Philadelphia, Pennsylvania after the holiday gorging rituals.

Then you will see that the rest of the world may point and snicker at their visible minority, but we Americans bring new meaning to the world laughing stock.

http://www.singleabroad.com/

September 12, 2006 9:35 PM

duangping says:

david,
cant agree with your comments about Russia,however if its based on what you have seen around sukhumvit soi 4,near the grace hotel, where there seems to be a lot of russian whores i can understand why.I have been lucky enough to travel extensively in russia/siberia and can inform readers of ms that there are plenty of young hot slim sexy woman to be seen and also lets not forget that Russia has not enjoyed 60 years of peace,as i am sure most chechians will testyfy.So i guess i am supporting your warzone theory to be true.Any one met any birds from Grozney?They must be gorgeous.

September 12, 2006 10:17 PM

Andrew Fox-Russell says:

Maybe Vietnam is a combination of two things: the war, and no McDonalds? I still remember my two weeks there a couple of years ago, marvelling at how I didn't see a single fat chick the whole time.

September 13, 2006 5:04 AM

Dana says:

"Documenting a heart-rending tableau of human misery is far from easy when near-naked Angolan eye-candy keeps wandering into your shot."

I'm no stranger to the provocative statement and the fun of the not politically correct but I would have blanched at this. Even dedicated mongers have to draw the line somewhere: children, necrophilia, mental incompetents,and I would have assumed people starving to death.

September 13, 2006 6:14 AM

philH says:

On the MacDonald's factor I can catagorically say that KL is not the place to come for hot slim totty. If I see a real trim piece in Beach Club Cafe, galanteed one hunnerfipty porcen, she's Vietnamese.

Anyone been down Mozambique way? What with the war and the Portugese influence there should be some class women about.

September 13, 2006 2:14 PM

Andy says:

Starving people are sexy. Look at Kate Moss; she resembles a piece of chewed string, but yer world's top illegible bachelors are still queuing up to shag her.

Ok, granted that she's made herself so skinny with bulemia; throwing up between snorting kilos of Bolivia's finest, is neither here nor there.

September 13, 2006 2:47 PM

sniffer says:

Dana; what's wrong with necrophila? one of the great pleasures in life along with with beastiality and S&M. Would start my own blog devoted to them but feel like I'd be flogging a dead horse

September 13, 2006 6:16 PM

BW says:

Actually your theory makes perfect sense. Here in the great state of TX where EVERYTHING is bigger, including the the women, complacency has definitely taken its toll.

I'll go you one further as well. Non conflict makes one stupid and lazy as well as fat. Having just passed the 5 year anniversary of 9/11, our southern border is as wide open as a flood gate to every illegal immigrant or terrorist that wants to come in. Yet almost no one wants to lift a finger to do anything.

Fat, stupid, and lazy: the products of an easy life.

September 13, 2006 6:19 PM

Grunt says:

There is a persistent, and amusing, paradigm I note during discussions of hardship as is pertains to the sexes.

When starving or otherwise disadvantaged women are the subject du jour it seems to default to "Oh, the poor dears", even from fairly attuned (read: farang) men! Its a terrible situation, granted.

Only problem is few, if any, care a whit as western men are busily grinding themselves into dust competing with 3rd world hordes for an ever decreasing slice of the pie.

Our situation is as close to slavery as we can get. Yet its not a temporary dust up that last 3-5 years, its life with no chance of parole.

Aside from the LOS, of course.

September 13, 2006 8:54 PM

Dick Renegade says:

Bulimic chicks are hot. Many of them can spontaneuosly contract viseral muscle.

It's outright amazing to hokey pokey bulimic chicks.

September 13, 2006 10:10 PM

Union Hill says:

'.....are the second most minging in the world. Behind, I hardly need to say,the Welsh'

This is not the first time I have read hurtful comments directed at the Welsh on this site. we have feelings too you know, and Catherine Zeta Jones come to think of it.

Union Hill

September 14, 2006 12:53 PM

sniffer says:

Catherine Zeta Jones is, I suppose, quite attractive in a blousey-Welsh-barmaid kind of way but if she's the best the boyos can come up with then I rest my case. It's gratifying, too, to see Union Hill living up to his countrymen's reputation for over-sensitivity to criticism, however lighthearted

September 14, 2006 2:36 PM

sniffer says:

kudos, though to Union Hill for employing syllepsis in his post. They must teach Classical Rhetoric at Aberystwyth Poly.

September 14, 2006 2:44 PM

What are you talking about??? says:

First off, this is a horribly superficial article (but that makes it oh so fun to read, i love this website!)

Second, my main point (almost as shallow, but am just trying to get with the spirit of things) , are you people blind??? I'm originally from Singapore, have lived in Bangkok and Shanghai and am currently in London, and I think the women here are by far better looking than any of those in the previous countries I've lived in!
A lot of them are not the fat waddly cows you make them out to be, and they also happen to be very nice above the neck.

September 17, 2006 1:14 PM

bangkokram says:

"What are you talking about???"

Make a trip to Hull. Go around 11pm on any weekend night outside The King Billy, then you'll know where we get the sterotype portrayal of farang birds from.

Its not a pretty sight, make sure you've got your Cathay Pacific Ticket back to the East with you.

September 17, 2006 1:45 PM

sniffer says:

Compared to Wetwang birds, the women of Hull are supermodels. Still ultra-minging by any normal standards, though...

September 17, 2006 4:16 PM

lulu says:

Just sickening. Congratulations for plumbing new depths.

September 17, 2006 5:46 PM

Andy says:

Welcome lulu. Have a good rummage throught the archives and realise that "new depths" here reach lower than whale shit in the San Andreas Trench.
You condescending snobby fucking slag. Hope this helps...;-)

September 17, 2006 8:02 PM

syphalitic syd says:

My life really turned to shit over the last few weeks. Today I was planing on stepping off the balcony. Thought I would read MS before I did. Now I am rolling on the floor laughing, and cant jump. Bugger!

September 18, 2006 6:28 AM

Jack Wow says:

Don't do it, Syd. There's always something to laugh at.

September 18, 2006 10:41 PM

Eniac says:

Jack's right, Sid. Things always look better in the morning.

If you're suffering from depression, Fluoxetine (generic Prozac) is dirt cheap in Thailand. One a day should sort you out but it takes about a month to kick-in.

September 18, 2006 11:06 PM

Dick Renegade says:

Don't jump. This is the second most common method used to attempt suicide and it is also the most failure prone. You'll likely end up paralyzed or partially crippled. Terminal velocity is approximately 200 mph for a human. For a fall to be lethal, you would have to jump from a height of at least 824 feet. Anything less than that decreases your chances of succeeding drastically. It is also worth noting that positioning yourself in order to land head first in addition to selecting a location with a hard unforgiving surface below may also improve your chances of success.

I strongly suggest you think about selecting a different method. Maybe pills or injecting at least 15 cc's of air into your veins. Ideally, you should look for a method that is far less crippling and easier to conceal should you survive by accident.

I this helps, Dick

September 19, 2006 12:36 AM

DocFeelGood says:

If you want a somewhat concealable suicide, I would suggest injecting Insulin in combination with an oral dose of a beta-blocker, such as Metoprolol, Atenolol, or Propranolol.

An autopsy would likely show a thromboembolism and subequent toxicology testing would not find any narcotics or other drugs common to overdose.

For concealment purposes, you may wish to use the following injection sites:

1.) behind the ear
2.) crack of the ass (requires assistance)
3.) cheek lining or under the tongue

Avoid the insides of elbows, the top of foot, back of the kneee, side of the ankle, or leading edge of a finger/toe nail. These places are likely to be subject to more scrutiny.

September 19, 2006 1:18 AM