Hua Hin: Spa resort or brothel town?

Franger says:

How about Sattahip?

Andy says:

Hi David,

Try: Chumphons' Cabana beach resort:

http://www.visit-mekong.com/
chumphon-cabana-resort/

this is a general website, good enough to get an impression.

Cheers,

Andy.

Mr Lucky says:

Koh Chang is still tame. Great pool at the Amari. 75metres! Though you're looking at a six-hour jaunt from Bangkok. Don't bother with Bangkok Airways to Trat - the time you waste at the airport and transfers makes it no quicker than a VIP bus from Bangkok's train station direct to the Koh Chang ferry. Or better yet, rent a car - Koh Chang is a big island.

Dana says:

I recommend Pattaya around soi 13 and Beach Road. But then I always do. So many hookers and tramps and thieves and whores and sluts and Go-Go girls and starfish performers and cruisers and trannies and night crawlers and dick suckers that they kind of cancel each other out. Your parents won't notice a thing and the beachfront in the early morning and at night is wonderful. Sometimes I wander from the AA Hotel down to the Royal Gardens Plaza for a paper and an ice cream at the next door Swenson's Ice Cream and I don't notice a thing. Take mom and dad to Nong Nooch Gardens and the Million Year Stone Park and the Pattaya Water Park for dinner at the top of the needle and a tram trip down. They'll have a wonderful time. Best place in Thailand.

chris the swede says:

Now that Khao Lak has supposedly returned after the tsunami, it could be what you are looking for...Easy to get too, tons of flights in and out of Phuket every day all throug the year..Especially during the high season.

Chris the swede

Dicer says:

Koh Chang is by far the place all age groups and people from different backgrounds can enjoy without the in yur face sewer factor thrown in. Koh Khut and Koh Mahk next door offer tranquil choices too.

Grunt says:

If the problem is the presence of women, I suggest you try a sunny little little province of Mexico Ive something heard about.

Its called "California". The females there are barely distinguishable from the males. In fact, most females exhibit more masculine traits then the average man!

Your Pop will feel right at home...provided he can speak Spanish.

isaan girl says:

You ruined my plan to buy a condo in Hua Hin.

Isaan girl

TANAI KWAI says:

"Normally, I'd be applauding the march of sleazy progress but, on this occasion, it's buggered up my plans... If any reader can suggest an upscale Thai coastal resort with good infrastructure and easy connections that isn't an in-your-face meat market, I'll be eternally grateful."

Christ, forget North Korea and Mahmoud I'm-a-dinner-jacket, David whingeing about skanky hos has to be a definitive sign of the apocalypse.

There are always those rich ghettos on the extreme tips of Phuket, or the carefully cosseted beach at the Le Meridien between Patong and Karon, but you'll end up having to sell an organ to cover the bill. If you want the Thai cultural experience to be truly antiseptic you could always take them on a geriatric cruise around the Andaman and never actually make landfall.

As for my father, he just turned 88 and I can't think of anywhere he'd rather get his Thai culture than the Isaan-themed dance interludes at Angelwitch.

TK

jan says:

baan seng, cha-am, typical for thai tourists, bussy during weekends, hotels in all price classes, only a few farangs so the prostitution is not in your face, but when you want bounty-style beaches... go to ko tao or another small island

Mick from Isle of Man says:

Take 'em to Cox's Bazar. They have a Little Thailand neighborhood(they wont know the difference, Thai, Bangladeshi, dont they all look alike to the British Love Generation) with really good restauarants right in the heart of Bangladesh's toilet bowl. The stench of rotting human excrement which trails the tradewinds will remind your parents why they love those bleak English winters and loverly spring gardens.

usvirgin says:

"With so many fully clothed people clinging onto various buoyant objects, the scene looks more like a shipwreck than a day out."

David,

That is a GREAT visual.
LMAO!

buksida says:

In its defence Hua Hin only really has one small soi with bars in it, there are plenty of familiy friendly options, in HH and Khao Takiab,5km south.

As mentioned above Khao Lak is nice but where ever you go in Thailand you wont escape the farang with his rent-a-girlfriend, part of life here I'm afraid.

More info on Hua Hin can be found at www.huahinafterdark.com

bangkokram says:

The south part of Hua Hin, just outside the town limit is just what your looking for David.

Very good Hotels and some exceptionally good restaurants. Nightlife after 11pm is Hotel based, so a lack of working girls is guaranteed.

Cha-Am also worth a look, but transport around town is a bit shite.

Andy says:

Never understood the compulsion of the locals to think that any pristine, white-sanded beach is somehow incomplete without 150 decibel techno music blasting from concert hall speakers mounted in tacky beer bars.

Last time my parents visited, I had to hastily explain to them that they had arrived just in time to catch the famous "Rayong Festival Of Litter" which involves gangs of indolent teens smashing beer bottles and strumming untuned guitars, whilst throwing garbage everywhere. Recommended.

Bobo says:

Cape Panwa Hotel, Phuket

Stunning area, safe, attractive, private beach - far enough away from Patong to avoid any hookers but still close enough if the urge grabs you

Common Sense says:

David,

If you can do without the beaches there are some decent resorts near Nakhon Nayok about 2 hours north of Bangkok. Not many foreigners and not much of a nightlife there. The resorts are nice with a variety of activities. A few great golf courses also. Just stay away in the April to May timeframe when a few thousand Marines show up. They usually attract a full regiment of bar girls to the area also.

Mr Thaksin, BKKchat.org says:

Davo, Penang and southwards from there.
The whore thing is an endemic part of thai culture, you'll never be more than a stones throw from some sleazy knocking shop.
still great boxes though.

Thaxo.

Drivespline says:

Well, my Thai wife and I went to went to Ko Chang 9 years ago when there were a few bungalows on the island. Virtually no roads. No phones. Very sedate. Not a hooker on the place. Chickens meandered around under the lunch table. The resort was nice, but SEDATE. I understand the island has changed greatly. Try looking there. Of course, you will also get to travel through the backroads of Trat. I delivered live chickens for my father-in-law to some rubber plantation there after his eldest son failed to stir from a night of drinking at the local "bar". The locals (I swear) had never seen a farang before. They lived in a stilted hut with no water, electric, phone, or sanitation. They pointed and laughed at me. I checked out their daughter, but thought the better of it after seeing no means of escape. Sorry about the departure from subject. Check out Ko-Chang. My father in law uses a driver from Bangkok who has a nice aircon van and doesn't drive like Nigel Mansell. Knows Ko-Chang.

Craig says:

Not to get off this most interesting subject at hand but most will enjoy my pain.
Dicer chime in,
David and Grunt go ahead and kick me in the balls.

Dana, the smell of vomit at Soi 9 may be a better distraction for David’s parents than Soi 13. Of course the sunrise/sunset beach ambience is the same at both venues.

The cell phone, the prized possession of all girls on the planet was the down fall of my Chiang Mai princess.
This is an email sent to her today.
All chime in on face talk. I, in fact, do not understand face in the most basic concept. Misfits have explained it to me but I am not that sharp. Either I am slow of I do not care.

This is where Mr. Dicer begins and the ball stomping stops. You have the soap box Sir.

Oh, this is not the first time this has happened. Will it be the last? No, treat me like the slut I am.

I would like to share this will all.

Be kind………..I think I have a tear. What is that? No it is a cigarette ache.

Oh, the pills I talk about are a new one……..Chantix…….new by Pfizer…………you blue boy fucks know the company don’t you? Very good reports. Seems to be working.

:::::::; Bia,

You broke my heart but I guess I always knew you would. When someone is too good to be true…… it is too good to be true…….…..well, I should have known better.

I don’t know what it is with Thai girls and their cheating.
I guess I do. It is the type of Thai girl that farangs hang around with.
To hang around with bar girls in our own countries would be completely out of the question.
Just because a pretty girl speaks softly and kindly and does not drink or smoke does not make her a nice girl. We farangs need to understand that.

It is a difficult concept for us.

We need to remember where we met them and when things do not appear to right they are not right. Need to adjust face and move on.

We need not to listen to excuses because we are world travelers (most of us). We have seen the girls and their games and can read right through the game. And most of us have never supported any of them but Thai bar girls. That needs to change. A bar girl is a bar girl. The first time she sold it she lost herself. Past that is nothing but a game and an illusion. She has nothing else to offer.

I am quite sure all Thai girls are not bar girls and can’t help themselves in their evil ways. I do not know any girls in Thailand except bar girls and their games.

I should not talk bad about Thai girls. I am sure bar girls are not the subject in conversation of normal Thai people except to giggle at farangs.

Do not even try to explain your behavior Saturday as it will only cause me more loss of face. I will consider any excuse to be a lie. We have nothing more to say.

I think this is going to be a wicked vacation. I now have an advantage. An extreme advantage.

The pills on the smoking are working and my boss just funded me Friday for FY07 (surprise to me). I am on the top again. Lose one thing and gain another. That is my luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sure you do the same thing. Lose one (out of 6?) husbands and look for another.

Same same???????????????????????

Craig

Dicer says:

"I delivered live chickens for my father-in-law "

I hate to say this somewhat rudely, Drivespline..... they were laughing AT you not because they've never seen a foreigner, but bcoz you showed up with chicken delivery and word got round..... I mean here in MS too many of these ppl dont have a clue about Thai culture...massive....I mean MASSIVE face loss for the thick faced foreigner..... yes yes u feel upity about being clean and deodorised... I said I'd leave psychosis alone...shtum. I have to say though, this is a treasure trove for the discerning anthro guy.

There is no David Livingstone of Thailand.... those who fancy your psy***** white arses anyway.

Craig says:

David,
Please consider my latest as a new topic. "Fear and loathing in Pattaya/Chiang mai/ Whatever"

It is about face. What is it?

Craig says:

Dicer,
Expand on this a bit. Look the Brit has gotten away in yourself. Break it down a bit would you mate (sounds fucking gay). Us yanks can't say things like that.
I am happy I provoked you to put down the pipe for a sec,
Now please run that by us again.

Dicer says:

"Oh, the pills I talk about are a new one……..Chantix…….new by Pfizer…………"

Craig... Pfizer can be called an exploiting western cap** bla bla..... but in this case old school Viagra will help you when your tart finally BBQs you and you might just escape charred to a medium well. At the hospital they'll give you Viagra to keep the sheet off your skin.

Craig says:

Dicer,
I guess your “anthro man” is a link to the sidewalk social scientist claim and the evolving notion of the possibility of anthropology. Is it a treasure for this guy? Had my wife not burned the pictures, fueled by my rum, my response may be different.
Anthropology does not work because of an underlying human slant however combined that with a total life experience of extreme whoring I may become a footnote in one for your books. Let’s face it. Between the Americans and the Britt’s we have made one hell of a debauched Disneyland. Not just in LOS but everywhere we go. Good job man. You are now a Gentleman.
You should use the name of the one eyed Cuban degenerate I travel with as a substitution, in name, to my rant. Oh, he is more interesting but because of his savage background does not allow him to speak so freely (go America) to gringos. The Thais love him. He is in constant rant on the white man. It is strange he is whiter than my ass. Good man. A misfit by definition.
I will not notify him of this discussion.
He went on a rant about rabid bats in the desert for 3 hours one time on a bloody Mary jag. He had a gun.
He got us kicked out of some pseudo Swiss Village in the mountains of Costa Rica with our new brides on that same drink. Payback
Please drink responsibly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Devotion to my study does conclude beyond the oblivious, Thai whores are a different class of low class whores. Whatever…..
Time to shampoo my balls.

Drivespline says:

True that word got around quickly. There was no-one else to tell. There were 6 or 8 people sitting around a fire with some kind of belgian waffle maker device cooking rubber into little mats they hung from trees. Oh, I knew they were laughing AT me alright. Little yellow bastards. My wife told me that, and she laughed at me, too. So did the welding guy next door, the high school girls who approached me to try their english at the store; the cop as I rode the motorbike every wrong way possible through intersections (American); the Buddhist monk; my one legged uncle. It seems everyone in LOS laughs at everything. Even if you set your hand on fire I think they would laugh. Annoying sometimes. But I think the rubbermaids were laughing at the guy from a New York suburb tring to handle chickens that weren't frozen.. Did I lose face? Not.. till we have faces. Well, the next stop was the shrimp farm. And did you know my brother in law did'nt even take me to his stinkin' waterin' hole?

I didn't get the rest of your points. What's an Anthro Guy? I assume that's a guy who anthropromorthesises or something like it. I thank you for looking out for my facial welfare and pointing out my cross culturelateral maleprops. But! I am from New Jersey and was in an armored cavalry regiment and therefore have more concern for my ass than my face. Maybe I'm just a dumb yank. Oh, well!

marklatham says:

Great stuff,guys.
Talk about laugh out loud.
We sent the croation,baz on a recce to koh chang in june last.
We always send him in first.
He loved it,sounds much better than the redlight district in hua hin.
I went to hua hin with my wife,tim in 1979.We drove down in the red 1962 alfa guilia spyder and stayed at the railway hotel.It was a beautiful timber building with fantastic topiary in the gardens.
In those days hua hin was a lovely coastal village with many beautiful houses on the beach,including the kings bach.
Is the spread of go go girls impossible to stop?

Andy says:

Pseud's Corner for frustrated writers? Where did all these pretentious wankers appear from lately? Or are they all figments of Dicer's sadly as yet un-published imagination?

Dicer says:

Drivespline,

Well said. Sounds like you saw right through them. If you took their chicken money and did exactly what her brother did they'd have probably thought you're one of a kind. Petty village folks you see.

"Did I lose face? Not.. till we have faces."

ahem ahem. If you were in Burma they'd spit betel juice on your trouser when you turn around. The mutants here laugh so it's harmless.

Another guy here was saying "oh, I went to 7-11 and bought some chang beer for my gf's brothers and took it to them and they laughed." Real cringer. Of course they'll laugh when they see a fool. I mean there is laughing and there is laughing. Someone said to him...so why didnt you send one of them to buy the beer, (if you had to buy it in the first place) and throw in 200 baht for snacks. At least that way you'll be in control of the situation. They laugh and you sit right there and say haha laugh you wankers and GO GET SOME MORE BEER. "Oh I dont mind" was the reply. You see they're not stupid ppl and can tell a clever farang from a foolish one. Thats why they like foreign criminals. The whole idea of a snickering "clever", just pulled one on you type of character they find alluring. As a foreigner you cant get in their petty deals so an alternative is to dip in your pocket and get them running to do this or that.

Mr Thaksin, bangkokchat.org says:

wonkers all wonkers

Thaxo.

did l mention the great boxes ???

Dana says:

Re: Above threads . . .

White men talkin'--I got nothin'.

sniffer says:

"Is the spread of go go girls impossible to stop?"
A dirty job but someone's got to do it. Maybe the only way it can be achieved is if we threaten them with having to read Dicer

Dicer says:

Craig,

There is this desperate thing about dodging reality for yanks and some euros..coming from a simplistic background and brainwashed with wall mart propaganda...a complete disregard for reality and notion that life is made up the Sartre way. You do each choice. Sure. Sounds good doesn't it? And they try to do it here. Problem. That's why this is an examination of reality. You can see these low synthesizers drifting against a sneering peasant background.

Now let's take wall mart brain wash, neutered non alpha de-macho-ed simplistic system and drag the entity to peasant sneer land. Will they catch on? No. What is the system? Reformat, Avoid...and Denial. It never happened to me hyuk hyuk...and finally rationalisation... and But Surely. In the end 1) denial of reality and 2) no synthesis. Result, idiocy.

Something we haven't hit yet is a sub feeling; the deal of "Well in the end I ain't nothin' no how"...like the guy in my book about Thailand (who says "Shucks call me fat boy and don't take your shoes off cuz I am a good ol' boy...hahaha." )

Dicer says:

Here are two more examples about idiot farangs and nasty locals. Years ago a yank expert (PhD in anthro and experience in curriculum policy) at the Minstry of Education told the staff don't call me Khun Smith, just call me Jim. So he dropped his rank thinking this was the modest thing to do in the US like you'd do with colleagues or friends... and tell a bunch of twits who already loathe you, and call me Jim. They go, right, Jim it is. This guy is a total idiot. Let's be informal say some of the US guys to the people. Because they cannot transpose themselves to a foreign culture. Everywhere is Ohio. Brits on the other hand snicker and do trecherous deals with locals which I find equally fraught with problems. Maybe the Brits think OK what is the trick to manipulating these swines. Maybe it is the colonial Raj thing, observing the foreigners and doing deals. Or the other type of Brit knows the deal, but in his own masochistic way ends up being BBQed by twit village ex-wife. The way to make it here is to have a plan like the criminals do. If you want a local tart have a framework and a plan for her and set the rules. Like monthly stipend etc. And dont go "darlin what movie shall we watch oh gee.." Some do well given structure. Working with them is a bit harder but follow what the Japs do in Thailand. Again structure and rules and recipes. Oh and Chiang Mai tarts are a tad too low upstairs, even by local standards. Just look for one clever enough to mix ice tea.

Second example. In one govt office Brit Joe who'd arrived there before me said, do not do the xmas party. But I had just joined, amazed by the people etc and was talked into the party. As it turned out, on a special day, the senior govt officials were in a room on bleachers and all the farangs herded in to do tricks. No idea what it was to be of course. One Dane, an Indian and another Brit I'd only met once were actually talked into doing a cake walk in their underwear for 80 hooting government workers. Joe was red red in the face. My trick was to have a basket strapped to my head and try and catch a badminton birdie tossed from another farang. Of course the Thais were screaming with laughter and probably a few wet their pants. One yank actually did the stick dance and that got applause. But there it was, look at the f.... idiots. All of this takes one back to Nietzsche who warned about this. People reduced to mayonnaise and harrassed by mutants. Barbarians stumbling in pekinese land and nipped all the time. The barbarian neutered, de maled, de alpha, de machoed..golly gee, but surely...like a song.

What the f*** does this all have to do with Hua Hin and the search for a nice resort for David's parents some say. Well it happens in Hua Hin too....lol

P.S. blowing trumpet here. Andy, walk into Asia Books and it's right there, dont want to be too obvious here, but most of the stuff here is already published, albeit in a slightly more polite language. Here in mango Psued's I'm not quite advertising...pointless really....just repeating myself... esp the nasty bits the editors cut out. Like my Phibun nazi stuff. As you know we never get enough chances to repeat ourselves in life... perhaps excepting those who affect to be too indignant about word count and using the scroll key. Also this place is a laboratory... As I keep barking woof woof, hard to outdo reality. The contradictions etc like a recent UN report which says Thailand is only third in gun deaths outranked by South Africa and Columbia... Really? Is this the cheerful, harmonious, socially calm Thailand we know? Am still waiting for Borat to arrive and explain it all to us.

Grunt says:

Nay sniffer, having to read dicer would be considered cruel and unusual punishment and/or banned by the Geneva Convention.

Good thing is most here simply whip past dicers digital diarrhea.

Craig says:

Dana,
Get right back in here. We may not be as eloquent as these gentlemen at hand, but this is an open forum. If we (I) can make a tit out ourselves (myself) in other awkward places we (I) can damn sure do it here.

I have been 86st out of better places than this chat lizard lounge.

Before, I did miss drivespline’s comments and Dicer’s reference in reply. So sorry.

Dicer seems to be replying to the face dilemma as well. This is good. Step in here bitches. Oh, I shy!!!!!!!!!

I do not want to fall into the folly of hanging on Dicer’s words but it seems to be the only thing that draws conversation of merit. Take a chance men.

Andy, any comments of incite beyond the normal. Look, of course I am a loser (twice) but as a Western man I would like to see the face issue mitigated to be a workable agenda. You are saying what, we should not whore around? Well, that would put Dicer out of knighthood. No, there must be a better way.

Often time it is not about the issue but the story. That is what makes thinks fun. My stories of that late are not that funny……..to me.

They have had the face thing a lot longer than the West has the Jesus thing. We may not adapt but do we have anything new to offer to stem the giggling?

I always looked at the Thai smile as beauty and horror. It is perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

catman says:

Have you been to krabi? no working girls there and plenty of small islands to hop over to.good beaches too

TANAI KWAI says:

With apologies to Fred Willard in "A Mighty Wind"... WHA' HAPPEN????

Things were going pretty well, what with the shipwreck image, and then there was another gem from Andy with the Festival of Litter... But then--inexorably of late--it all went to shit.

Surely psychiatry has coined a term for the compulsion to share tedious inside jokes so inside they appeal only to the self-styled jokester?

Whatever its name, this cancer of the Caucasoid mind appears to be metastasizing into undifferentiated identities.

Bleccchh.

TK

Combover says:

Krabi and Koh Chang are both OK if you need to keep kosher guests away from sleaze.

chris says:

i took my mum and dad to kho samet with my gf,and they loved it,its the place to go if u dont want all the whores.mind u i took my dad to pattaya and he loved it ,but i dont think my mum did.

Pattaya Peter says:

If you and your father are acosted by prostitutes every ten minutes, it won't be "egg" that's on your face, i assure you.

bangkokram says:

Time to stop reading this post, Wait for the new post on Mangosauce.

Get a good stream of comments going, then wait for Dicer to throw in his usual load of Shite. Then wait for the next post, etc.

It will soon be the Mangodicer site.

tonychang says:

If you have family visiting HH, put them up in one of the resort hotels on the petchkasem road, about half a mile south of town or further down to kao takiab is really nice, then they can take excursions into town or walk the quieter stretch of beach

Jailbird says:

I'd recommend Khao Lak too, but if you do go there, make sure you stay well, well, well away from Suwan Palm resort. Unless of course you are happy for every possesion you have to be stolen from under your nose by the staff while the management turn a blind eye.

OJ says:

Kho Samed if you drive. Krabi if you fly. The Pakasai resort in Ao Nang was like living in the Ewok Village. Very nice.

paul says:

what has all this to do with HH? i like the town and is not in your face

christopher sundseth says:

My Thai friend suggests Cha Am, nearby to Hua Hin...the King has a residence there so presumably the gendarmerie keeps things on the up and up. Her disclaimer is that she has not been there since the late '90's....

Nothing says:

I lived in Thailand for a year, and visited Hua Hin with my wife several times. Your observation that the town is becoming more a red-light area is spot-on. I noticed it myself when I was there for probably the third time. It always amazed me how, even with my wife at my side, the Thai hookers would do everything they could to get within close proximity of my space pod. Amazing.

Mr Thaksin, BKKchat.org says:

stop getting off the subject you wonkers.
ohhhhhhhh l do like to be beside the seasideeeeeeeee.

Gurst says:

Trat. If if you change your mind, you could go to Sihanoukeville. Are you having a change of heart like Stickman?

Dicer says:

Waldo logged into MS and ex-soviet chaser (the petulant sissy) did from a different timezone. Kwam-not-so-suk is there too along with two moody guys called Chich. I was almost too self indulgent and introspective I nearly disappeared down my own navel. Until these characters dragged me out of it.

While the head mango chef is looking on....

If you notice the deputy MS inedible buffet staff above they bring a full load of venom to the job so let's take a look. In other threads people are on automatic and spend 5% of their thinking about the actual topic. Instead they are thinking about what they did before the post came or what they will do after the next post. Wull wull here we aint got a life before or after and so focus 100% of the fishy brains on despising any post and especially the long shitey insider jokey jokey know it all types.

"What a putz," said Chich One. Love that septic word.
"F*** his face, I'm off," said Chich Two.

What we see in Chich Two ("I'm from Hull") announcing that he'll not come and check again is just barely hidding the rage. Chich One on the other hand is ready to scream and stick a butter knife in old Waldo at the next table for masticating too hard on the terrible food (talking about face) and smiling the while.

Kwam-not-so-suk chimes in, "You know, the kitchen staff here are on low pay and low esteem and they have to be subordinate to people they don't like."

Of course Chich One and Two don't want to be told this in the first place and come in a terrible mood to begin with. Then the scolding man, the tedious pep talks and an infinite like of overstuff waddling moronic Waldos squealing in delight at being given fodder to eat.
Chich One is still quivering with butter knife in hand. "Why dont they f*** off back to their own blogs" wonders he.

It's fine, you'll notice a difference now and then....the occasional minge-happy shag topic extoller can manage to be just Thai-polite long enough to make his three line point. The collective Waldos on the other hand keep on chewing, lost, try to get through the shift and wonder where they are. Waldo chewing: "We Waldos like smooth rice girls and none of this dog psychology shite. But we do like talking about face too."

Dicer thinks to himself....I think I'll go visit Khun Boon to get some ideas. You can see we need a new anthropology for zoomorphic cases to placate these characters...you've tried canine psychology and it aint working..... drives to...

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/
story/0,,20540149-5006003,00.html

Yes the kind of local mutant - " wadii kap, my name is Eiamboonyarith, but you can call me Boon" - who invents exploding sticky rice, flipflops with remote control and earrings that sting.

"Yes Khun Boon, I'm looking for a pataphysical prototype for the neutered dealpha farang?"

"Aah yes, I have just the thing," and he pulls out the hallucinogen shampoo. "When you boom boom her she sniffs the bottle of Pantene and sees moo heaven," explains Khun Boon.

Chich Two out of disgust is gone out the door. Chich One is still quivering and Waldos on collective mastication grin at the thought of their tarts busy with this new invention. The ideal mutant home above the seezling steaming sewer would have a whole wall of assorted shampootics, and Noi and Nok and Nat and Nut and Nuch can squat in the centre of the room sniffing all day while Waldo is in front of his laptop reading the latest installment of twaddle.

Dicer to Khun Boon, "yes Khun Boon, shampootics (a legal narco) will take care of the tarts, but how about the farangs? We have a lot of disgruntled farangs waiting behind their keyboards." Giggling Boon, "sorry Khun DiceN I make gadgeN only for Thai pepuN...farang take care farang."

Go back home dejected. Play this http://www.mutant-ape.co.uk/ALFAMALE.htm and navel brood.

Dana says:

Ever been to one of those monk places and about fifty of them are chanting. Sort of hypnotic and exotic and interesting but ultimately boring? They seem to be smarter than you but on the other hand your instincts are that they could not change the lug nuts on a car. Now imagine fifty Dicers in his very own Dicer place with flowers and incense. Same same me thinks

Andy says:

Dicer, lay off the drugs a little,......mmmmkay?

TANAI KWAI says:

Dicer,

You bristle with frustration that your daily opus is not met with the accolades you so richly deserve. And I share your frustration. When seeking a bracing splash of insight about the psychology of Thai people and dogs, one need only look to any of your posts. At least that's what I tell my friends.

Sadly, your allegorical art is far too rarefied and nuanced for readers of MS, whom I imagine would probably rather bury their faces in the lap of some pointlessly gorgeous Thai bargirl than improve their minds.

Few visitors seem to appreciate the pleasures to be experienced by luxuriating in the details of each of your posts -- which reward the ambitious mind with the endlessly amusing challenge of parsing your previous contributions. (It is only through this careful exercise that one epiphanically pieces together the rich contours of your message.)

And so, I submit that the problem is not with your contributions -- but with the class of consumers drawn here. I think your challenge is to find a place where your audience would give you the kind of positive feedback required to properly encourage the continuation of your work.

You've given these poor saps the opportunity to benefit and they have failed to embrace you. Do let us know where you are going next so that those of us who remain interested may follow.

All the best!

Mr Thaksin, BKKchat.org says:

anyone know a bloke named " Noel Tippler" ???

Dicer lad when your in London give me a buzzo, treat you to a Singha beer or 2, and a couple of my special untouched by farrang hands "oversea's thai student gals" fresh off the boat one's of course mate.

Sorry Davo, back onto subject matter, ohhhhhhhhhh l do like to be beside the seasideeeeeeeeeee.

Thaxo.

Dicer says:

"positive feedback?" I hope she's not pregnant....

Arent we all LITERAL minded.... anyway simple words of encouragement should not be replied to with unkind words. lol. What keeps the system flowing is negative feedback however..round the circle...... btw an acquaintance in Hua Hin who used to sport a Stetsen and very tight denim had a 20 year old German customer in a year ago, who showed up one day and span a story about moving there and somehow managed to borrow 5,000 baht from the not so gullible owner. The next day a young Thai tart was found dead in a hotel nearby. I think the kraut's name is something Kutel, the cops caught up with him in Buriram. The most astounding thing was he was one of those rare case farangs hired by a Thai to bump off another Thai for 300,000 baht. The man who hired him, hired another pistollero to sort him out, but the cops caught up with him first.

Thais so much highlight the absurd in life it is almost as if you have to play down what happened to make it acceptable even as fiction.

What is equally astounding is how people who claim to have come from civilised societies totally disregard all rules and dive in the sewer here. Some tosser thinks when I say sewer the whole place is a sewer and nausaetingly keeps asking why I dont leave. Let me say to those who actually are short term tourists, you have no idea. I mean those who live here neither do. Example. A month ago I have lunch in a northern town with an acquaintance. A week later I read about him and see his NAKED BODY on a national paper. erm ok its Thai Rath. yes yes the local journos like to print naked dead farangs... naked dead anything really. The article said he was run over by a police car! Followed with a request by a Brit paper to slueth around about the story. I turn it down. Two weeks go by. Yesterday I hear from another journo he had lots of property. The police want to investigate and go to his residence and clean it out instead! His wife goes to the city hall and consulate and manages to get immediate clearance for burial without a post mortem. The beautiful part was the cops had a notice at the local station which read "a good member of the local farang community passed away bla bla." erm why bother? As if that was not enough, last night another yank was bumped off.... smile by day, bump off by night.... I mean Gregor Samsa is turning in his grave thinking, why wasnt I born a mutant.

Of course those of you who dont live here see only pursed Thai pussy hugging you in your wintry dreams.... I see an amazing laboratory of the absurd.

How come something that is so base requires so much imaginative investment. I have to say what makes Mango Sauce attractive is that it is coated with pussy juice but a lot of it is really examining the unreal.... or the real, whatever that is....and I love it when the pitch of indignation or boredom rises so high the cruscendo is so deafening. To top it all off the daft Waldo farangs waddling up and down LOS make the laboratory look like a kind of scientific theme park. Dog psychology?

Thaxo, I might take you up on the offer. I still say though some sort of extra-curricular zoomorphic excitement is needed.

Dicer says:

Tanai Compote

Feedback? Is Tanai Kwai a Curio,
A system of pulleys,
cortex and septum,
up and down behind the sneer lips,
fill out the eye lids
Not bad for a small cock!

Like habanero floating in formalin
or, stoned, preserved in syrup,
or, sorry madam, is that a broken,
high strung sentence for tomorrow's pseudo-lawyer,
pulled up by his own sling
its falling elegant line,
broken, bunched up
by his invisible fists.

ooh we shiver.

The blog architect,
the super observer
and this 'it' guy is a prick.

Tanai across the lab and smiles,
'Give up' Dicer really?
Simple as a cinderbox
colouring the history provinces
I know not.

I am super Tanai.
erm,
I can not make pledges of...
pledges of cotton wool
my mama says
twine keeps Dicer's jaws shut!

Tanai in his deep bath of maroon,
fresh teak brown in solution,
thrown in glycirine,
your Americanism needles
for the shape Thai blades die?

Tanai would like to whistle a tune,
as evidence that the tool is up
but his lips have been sealed.

Dana says:

I'm telling you Mangosauce dudes--we are being jobbed and plenty: Dicer and Tanai Kwai are the same guy.

At least with me you know there is only one Dana. Nobody wants to be me.

Mrs Dicer says:

Dicer knows his stuff on LOS, and writes in a style that's all his own. Huxley, Ginsberg, King, all wrote their best stuff under the influence of something.

Dana, Andy, Tanai Kwai, Grunt etc are uncultured, egotistical swines who take offence to Dicer's posts, not because they are too long, but because they are always taught something by his writing; something that doesn't revolve around cheap whores and cheap liquor.

Keep it coming, Dicer, I for one enjoy reading your posts.

philH says:

David, the difference in class between Beckham and Rooney is indescernable to the average person. Beckham can, however, probably say "Fuck off" in Spanish which must count for something I suppose.

Best tell them Thailand is closed due to the violent (as reported by some of the UK press) coup. Take them down Kertih way in Terranganu state, Malaysia. There are some decent resorts and, despite being a muslim state, you can still get a drink. The people even look Thai, if you've never seen a Thai before.

If the old man fancies a bit of action you can take him up to the Thai border. Due to the unrest in the south a lot of the service girls have relocated to the Malaysian side of the border.

jimbob says:

Koh Lanta is pretty much untouched by working girls last time I was there. Nice beaches too.
Koh Chang seems to have a sewage problem, it reeked last time I was on white sand.

Chris the swede says:

The King has a residence in Cha Am....

The King's palace Klai Kang Won is in Hua Hin..Just north of the town center actually. The King even lives there permanently nowadays, he only goes to live in the Chitralada Palace in Bangkok if he needs to be there for some official business. Anyone who is granted an audience with the King has to go to Hua Hin. Cha Am is ok, but you really need a car to get anything out of a visit there. Krabi? If you are talking about Krabi Town I can understand if you think it's somehow idyllic. But if you mean Aonang, then I can tell ou that there are quite a large amount of hokers and bargirls there. There's even a small bar street at one end of the "main" beach road. I used to work in Khao Lak and from my experience the typical visitors are middle-age couples, young familys with children, and the occasional hippie or diver..The hotels are generally quite pricey and of high standard, often fully booked early on and there are almost zero cheap bungalows (epecially post tsunami) on the beach anymore. So, the Farang guy with a bargirl in tow needs to splash out quite alot of cash to stay there, it's quite a rare sight actually. You will see the occasional ex-bargirl-come-diver-girlfriend, but it's also quite rare.

By the way there aren't any go-go bars in Hua Hin yet, but Brewing Company at hilton hotel is a very hectic meet-market after midnight.

On Koh Chang it's very quiet and peaceful, but on the beach in Had Sai Kao (white sand beach) there is a live music place with air-con where you can catch some pro-girls om the prowl..Can't remember the name of the place right now though..

Dicer says:

"Ever been to one of those monk places and about fifty of them are chanting." - Dana

The Hindus call this Pranic Om (short for paranayama.) The chanting releases energy into the frontal cortex and stimulates the brain. It actually vibrates the brain to increase synaptic activity. The Hindus do OM, close their eyes and ears so that the sound really gets going and wakes up the pineal. So what you need is a prolonged vowel sound to reverberate in the cranium. If a brain is over loaded with 7 items, it stops and starts to process the information. This can lead to another kind of pause and if you bring up something that is such a BIG topic like bubble popping data, you will see the eyes defocus and the mouth go slack as the assumption barriers struggle. Powerful stuff.

"They seem to be smarter than you, but on the other hand your instincts are that they could not change the lug nuts on a car." - Dana

Wrong instincts mate. It can do much more amazing stuff than "change the lug nuts." You should try it. Some true knowledge of the East.

"Now imagine fifty Dicers in his very own Dicer place with flowers and incense. Same same me thinks." - Dana

Again you've inadvertently hit on gold here. Taoists call this "training your shen." You see, very same abrupt missive thrown in like that can lead to some useful info. We can poke fun at Eastern knowledge as is commonly done in beer bars or we can learn from it. For the purposes of this post however, one Dicer is plenty enough. Also the object lesson is that this Dicer should practice some quiet and reflection too. Agreed.

Many a mango tree shelters a new age plonker who throws phrases like synergy and soul mating while slagging off pranic healing in the same breath. Next time if your heavy schedule allows you Dana, try to make it to Pai (just north of Chiang Mai) where hundreds of these euro-yank bon vivants and vagabonds give a new twist to the LOS absurdity.

P.S As is abundantly clear by now my knowledge on "matters pertaining to Krispy Kreme" is extremely limited so I wont bother you with that spectator sport, otherwise referred to as posturing as a broker. We do have plenty of those in the local beer bars too.

Jack Wow says:

Dicer, I wouldn't waste your time, mate, explaining paranayama to Dana.
Having glanced over some of her other posts in the past she always seems to be quite derogatory about anything to do with Buddhism.
I remember her writing a rather crude rap on Thailandstories.com about Buddha being too idle to get a job. Trying to make the crossover from Irish Christian music to contemporary rap just hasn't worked for her.
Bless.

TANAI KWAI says:

Okay, Dicer. Enough nudging. I will come out to play. But remember that some of us still work for a living.

(Christ, he’s got me doing it...)

An objection lodged,
but reflexively expelled
like a salutary suppository
a burst of hubristic flatulence
inexhaustible
from the arse of solipsism incarnate

super Tanai approaches
Dicer waxes poetic,
emetic

Superciliousness met
With Alpha-ciliousness
Nietzsche Lite
for morons and dogs
Soi dogs and farang dogs
bathed in the
foul mutant beta juices of their cheap congress
and deceptions
and savagery
and small cocks to your large

So little to do
time marches on
money ebbs
animalism wanes
the hair from the head of the carcass
cascading like words
your inexhaustible refuge from the finite

and the Thai bitches glancing
in your direction
grow older and more desperate
a reflection to be reflected back
not in shared humanity
but in superiority
an affectation of Alphaness
of an aging, frail human who once could have been
Human, All Too Human.

Week on week
the stadia suffer his excesses
he takes his cues not from his host
but from the voices...
"Clog the place with your stifling genius! You will not be silenced."

the Jack Wow chain is hopeful
the last Dana transmission human
I would say
do not retreat back to your ellipses
Share generously
Edit generously

"But Nietzsche did his best work under the influence of Syphilis."
No he didn’t, Mrs. Dicer.

Dana,

I don’t use a multiplicity of names. Never will. Some make an art of it. It’s just not my thing.

Dicer says:

"But Nietzsche did his best work under the influence of Syphilis."

Yes and he was a racist bastard too. Who do you think the Nazis got their inspiration from.

Tanai Compote II (final installation)

The little gnats now had to be covered up.

"I now possess" Tanai writes,
Anxious, early, over-dressed
web-post beater frogging
on his hired coat.

In artful mangosauce script
between vast appearaces,
to take head chair in the hall
while downstairs is ready
worried about his coat breath
fans away with his flysheet.

His pallid hands
tears open the D:\ partition
The locks on the disk
flip up under his thumbs
mental stasis (yes, sweetie) settles.
until it seeps of his consciousbessp
A little perforated esteem.
supplimented by a jaundiced erratic hard disk
trudged full of porn.

Tanai focusing
his irreducible genitals
in their direction
in the dog house
humidity and a muscular lizard
doing their press-ups,
poised like some Lothario
postpones an orgasm,
for a flame licking post.

He turns to face her pussy
in its stereoscopic ugliness
two lips, one hooded eye
the other clenched like palsy

on its monocle,
noodle dripped moustache
above a muscular lips.

The pubic hair is crisp,
a scab of rust, tugged
by the sanitary towel
He relishes his
lawyer-credit-power
to buy into mensus pleasure
"You'd get used to me."
and stroked the gif
magnified by the flatscreen.

He tilts back his head
and on his temple
he takes the dandruff
and rogers it briskly
in search of ideas.

His face like a knife,
crudely torn into five,
or six pieces, and glued

his neural pathways
are upon release
purple and ridgy
like worms that cant be farmed.

Meanwhile Dicer regales
tales of theft and murder
or-but with spotted soul
like one-unbroken thread.

The End.

Dana says:

Jack Woww indeed. Post under your own name webmaster.

I take a lot of hits on public forums but I take them under my own name. I think when this boring 'nom de plume' starts within a thread then it is time to shut the thread down.

Who remembers what the original topic question was?

Jack Wow says:

Well, as there's not really anywhere left in LOS that's suitable for your folks David, may I suggest a trip into Cambodia. I hear Sinhoukville's nice this time of year.

TANAI KWAI says:

"Yes and he was a racist bastard too. Who do you think the Nazis got their inspiration from."

Okay Dicer, I've overestimated you and you've underestimated me.

I've hit wa-a-a-a-y too close to the bone. Your hackles raised, you've cast me as some sort of furtive internet masturbator (a practice you have apparently researched in painstaking detail in the interest of verisimilitude).

Poetry provides a perfect showcase for your demented proclivities, both in terms of style and content. Like looking at a brain disease amplified under a microscope. What a disturbing sense of the sexual you've cultivated. Icky.

It's not the messenger, Dicer. I will freely admit I like to look at vaginas but is that really the issue?

Your posture is that you have failed to glean anything from my posts. I hope I am wrong and you are just acting out now in a fit of pique. Whatever. You are breaking my spirit.

You obviously have heaping loads to share but you also have the potential to be a tedious site-killer, as do we all. That's the simple gist. Be concise. Be accessible. Be at least somewhat inclusive and broadly entertaining. You have a modest responsibility to uphold if you are going to flood the site on a daily basis. It doesn't mean you have to talk about pussy. Or write without some panache. Just be you at your best. (Which would mean no more poetry.)

No mas. My wind-up arm is tired.

sniffer says:

Dana, is that really, really your real name? Your mum's perhaps a Paddy Eurovision devotee with a burning desire to challenge the hypocrisy of gender-specific given names, then?
Yours respectfully
Edward Albert Sniffington

Anonymous says:

sniffers all sniffers.

Thaxo

Dicer says:

No Tanai.....

You abuse so many things like the word "verisimilitude"....

I'm sure you have good education, but like so many people who posit a frame onto Orientals you have your own nonexistent (to mean made up in your own ether) view of Eastern peoples....sorry Tanai, but very very phoney.... I dont hate them, I dont underestimate them, but neither am I sentimental about them too. I never undermine their humanity, I examine my own to start of with and once done thrash everone's and mine's off. So dont be literal minded. You are a sanctimonious wanker so I magnify that with a telescope so what!

If you want to approach tentatively and humanely Tanai, you're not good at it. There are many Thai people I look up to and others who look up to me too. And we are all fallible.... unlike Dana's insipid comment about the Thai cosmology, which by the way is not synonymous with social and political life. And whatever you say I have the added advantage of living for long amongst them....btw mate I still share my life with a vast contingent of the Thais. A lot agree with what I say, many are indignant and some hate it all. Some of you yanks react violently when normally faced with the loaded negative. When you live away from home you have to examine every single value you have.

So I dont know how you misconstrued my expansive statements about the ALPHA MALE. I do hate whimpering males....The likes of you who dont have a REAL experience in Thailand should be ashamed to know it all... I mean do you even get an idea of the "nuance" u mentioned, and tell me that in your own words I "equate Thai people with dogs"...sad sad sad man..... Do you reaaaaly understand nuance or Cesar Milan's superb Dog Psychology show (and website.)

and I "break your spirit"? I mean phoney is the word...Give me a real reaction, something open and reaching and I can understand, but this....c'mon mate....we're not that daft!

and your ideas are an empty cup we cant drink from... until you approach us from the limited corner of what you REALLY think.....non of this shared humanity shite.

Dicer says:

I fear I left a name or some insult out Tanai, but at least you confess to liking palsy cunts...tell me something I dont know and no platitudes about Thailand pls.

Rick says:

Dicer, I mean what can I say, you make Madam Wu's opium soaked 30s Shanghai poetry society sound like sunday mass.

"poised like some Lothario
postpones an orgasm
for ma flame licking post."

cor. I mean what can describe Tanai Kwai better than this, a class act mate. Is this inspired by the afghan weed or are you naturally high as kits?

lawyer-credit-power
to buy into mensus pleasure
"You'd get used to me"

The whole idea of TK talking to a gif in his hard disk is too much to bear or f****** hilarious, I'm not sure which, but nod the well deserved slapping you're giving him, the pompous wanker.

anonymous says:

Fucking hell this sites sucks now. Wanker-sauce.

TANAI KWAI says:

Captain Obvious,

Your comment about Nietzsche was more disappointingly insipid than anything Dana could ever write. That was my point. I wasn't saying you underestimate Thai people, though you manifestly do. I could quote for hours from your posts but you would merely scurry behind the notion that I am literal-minded. "We're not that daft?" Who the fuck are you talking with? "Rick"? Who just lurrrrrvs your "hilarious" poetry? Oh my sides. Please, I want to know this Rick better. Do ask him to write more.

"I have the added advantage of living for long amongst them..." Oh, you mean the mutants? You think living in Thailand transforms a farang into a fount of understanding? Sometimes it creates monsters and delusions of Alpha grandeur. Oh, but I forgot... chastened, you've slipped off the mantle of Alphaness because you do so admire "the Orientals" after all.

I've never claimed to know it all. I do live in Thailand. You are a douchebag.

If you find my posts empty I invite you to skip them. You and your mate "Rick."

I can't say my work is done but your writing is slowly becoming cognizable even to those who might not wish to make a career of navigating your mind.

I leave you and your menagerie of identities to pleasure yourselves until David returns to re-impose civilization.

[I hope I'm not forgetting that one last zinger about vaginas or I'll have to follow up with another post. Oh, I do so hate to forget the hilarious cherry on top!]

Mr Thaksin, BKKchat.org says:

rights for wonkers.

Thaxo.

Drivespline says:

Dicer writings (using a plural here to sound more pretentious and high handed) are really just plain ole dreary. It seems as if he reaches for that same clarity of inner doubt and outward hostility that made the Good Docter so laugh out loud dead on in his early stuff and so god awfully dreary and repetative as came the inevitable drug addled bullet to the brain.

Unfortunately, it comes off more like the tedious nano-detail of Frank Herbet.... just drunker.

You know somethin there dicer? I took anthro at university, too. OK,so i did the obligatory wank and my prof put a little gold star on my shit. I promise to send you a liitle star, too, if you'd just shut the fuck up. Wholly shit! (i meant wholly) This meandering stream of conciousness ball of diegning to the lowly masses scratching our prol heads in such disappointing ignorance. Do people still drop acid in LOS? You sound like the guy on the perpetual barstool just before the last few mumbles slip out pre=ossification.

Get a myspace space, pick a theme and put up some fuckin uniorns. POETRY? Don't need Eastern anything to lose face with that shit.

Blow the dried shrimp off your keyboard, get off your ass, and begin to attempt to locate your life. In the mean time, please stop trying to convince how smart you are. Unless you've got smooth dark skin, a killer smile, a tight trim body, nice not too huge boobs, can manage but a few words in english (ok counts as two words) and are willing to blow me, no-one is interested in your mental gymnastics. Of course, if your are those things listed above, we will consider listening for limited periods.

I apologize in advance to any one taking offence to my attempt at indignity.

Dicer says:

Yes the mutants, them ones.... you misfit pisshead. It's all to obvious that you're bitter. Neitzsche also dreaded those arseholes in the Gymnasium - for your simple minded low synthesising nit-picking - who had no new ideas, but parroted away whatever was the latest in prattling.

You may be in Thailand physically, but mentally it is self evident that you're in your own little bunker bubble.

It's funny how finally the diffuse defence wall lowers for a moment and a bit of real information gets in. During the lowered wall you get the stunned look when you tell people what is going around and the synapses flitter. Usually they will finally listen to a specific "authority"...example...I harp on a friend about the dangers of having hired a maid and not copying her ID card and not knowing exactly where she lives. He just rejects and then a guy buying pumpkin in the market strikes him as the authority and he listens as they do through checkout in tandem. Which we refer to as exactly that: checkout in tandem mind.

It is evidently obvious a lot of negative information is anathema to high barrier people. The transcendentals the kraut calls them...stopped thinking ....correct... We also have to keep in mind the enormous problem of socializing a world stuffed full of barbarians (or pretensious barbarians such as this one)...unfortunately instead of picking up where the Greeks left off, we have alpha mass behaviour and regression... animal behaviour and relativism... Normally you hear them parroting PC and "let's all be human" bollox only to come out to be ignorant and shifty in the same breath and demaled whats more. So poor Tanai Kwai tries to give me repeated lessons on the rules of composition (like attending to bright eyed junior high kids) and he finds himself pulled out of typical dog yapping out of pack behaviour just in time for, one would hope, the ubiquitous Cesar Milan to jump in. It is for pricks like you that I recommend the dog training. Channel 67.

Priceless.

Paul says:

Samet is pretty tame, great beaches too. Never got hassled by manky whores there.

Its certainly more developed than Ko Chang and its only 3 hours from Bangers. If you go remember there is only one ATM on the whole island; it regulary runs out of money so plan ahead.

Rick says:

Mr Tanai Kwai,

Is this the new old ploy of lumbering all your perceived enemies into one character? So that kid who slapped you on the playground in prmary school is somewhere here in MangoSauce too. Scanning briefly through Mangosauce it is obvious that you get a good kick out of having a go at others , but provide nothing of your own. Dicer at least entertains us, annoys us, comes up with new LOS insights (I mean who would think dog psychology and culture?) and you Tanai what do you have? Dicer has the inside jokes and the loooong stories and you? What have you ever done for Mangosauce readers? And dont tell me that you came to Thailand with the Romans. It's the same old shit , like someone disagrees with you and sees you for the online wanker that you are and someone else goes "sure" and both must be that kid from primary school. The only thing I disagree with Dicer is that he needn't have bothered to reply to you at all. and then you preach about conciseness. There are almost four years worth of posts and shit out of you, a habit you cant kick so you got close to the action.

Just when we thought we saw the last of you, you creep up again. sigh.

Andy says:

All these keyboard ALPHA MALES, and internet Nietzsches make my head ache.

Rooster121 says:

I guess things get pretty crazy up in Hua Hun sometimes. But were all cool at the end of the day.

TANAI KWAI says:

Rick,

Who are you? Kindly refer me to one of your posts so I might have some frame of reference.

Thanks,
TK

thebamboorat says:

I am but a simple, base creature with a sloping forehead, heavy brow and communication skills limited to a series of grunts and crude finger gestures. As such I don’t visit MS to seek wisdom at the feet of some self styled guru (wanker). I come here for a good laugh while reading lots of gratuitous tit and bum stories. Your pearls of "wisdom" are being trampled in the mud in front of swine like myself.

So please, please, please…… will you all just piss off to somewhere else and take your split personalities with you. Rick, Dana, TK, Dicer, Splicer, Donner and Blixen (if you’re not indeed all the same person) why don’t you simply trade email addresses and you can flagellate each other (yourself?) with this endless shite instead of soiling the pages of what used to be a bloody funny website.

TANAI KWAI says:

Drivespline,

I don't like to take sides in these things but that was quite droll. I started to quote the funny bits but it's all up there. Better to just let in hang in the air.

I'm telling you, Rick, another couple of weeks of this and you motherf*ckers will be crying for some "empty" posts. I mean, have you toured the wreckage today? Care to take a Mulligan? Jesus on a popsicle.

Honestly...

ARE YOU ENTERTAINED? -- Maximus

TK

stu_$ says:

rofl,
thanx dana , the first stanza of yorus gave me the best laugh ive had in weeks
but geez , spot on for timing david
i was hoping to bring my olds over too
last time i read here about hua hin i remember what u said about horse piss
im from the country so my folks wouldnt mind that part ...
but chicks with dicks would be awkward:(
what a dilly of a pickle !
(as ned flanders would say)
hooroo

LLSO says:

I live in freaking Hua Hin and it is very nice, not inyour face like Pattya. Not congested and dirty like BKK and on the sea. Anyway what the fuck does all of this idle banter have to with Hua Hin anyway.

LL

Dicer says:

Rick,

He wants to know who you are. Perhaps he's starting to doubt that you are me. ha!

One often errs in search for something meaningful ... perhaps not to see a twerp who is roundly just one punctuated joke after another. Amusing... I mean he always desperately wants to be right with his little quips and oversqueezed vocab. Someone should say to him "yeah yeah, we get it man you're edgy and cool, you're the f****** coolest guy in MS...you're it man." Reminds me of that recent film where a similar resident smartass in a restaurant is likened to "being the smartest kid with Down Syndrome."

Then again we are surrounded by an ultimately mindless, disinterested, and lackluster cast drifting from meal to meal ... in this case also melting into the glow of the enchanted wanker gifs.

And then he asked me this in earnest:

"You think living in Thailand transforms a farang into a fount of understanding?"

The simple answer is yes, poor sap. If you are willing to learn and think.

Ultimately though what one says is yes yes 'll gladly ignore your posts from now on. Doesnt permission ruin hostility?

Drivespline, its not anthropopopopo.... it's zoology.

Anonymous says:

what a load of shit. dave sort it out

Jack Wow says:

Regarding bamboorat's plea for Dicer and co to piss off in order to make MS more funny, I have to jump to the defence of these guys. Although MS isn't reaching the heady height of when Hansen and Lawrence were contributing I still find most of the posts either amusing. The bests laughs are when the females like Narin, Thin farang girl and Dana join the topic.

Yu Ngo Hu says:

.....Rick, Dana, TK, Dicer, Splicer, Donner and Blixen....

sounds like santa has a new set of reindeer!

Grunt says:

It seems David has discovered that empowering men by exposing the flaws of western culture, and feminism in particular, gores the ox of every entrenched social parasite (cop / parole officer / divorce lawyer / judge / etc) that has a vested interest in the status quo.

That being societal discord.

Dick Renegade says:

Never tried this spa town. I just got back from Thailand and I am left puzzled. This trip I hit BKK, Pataya, and Phucket. BKK and Pataya were a blast thanks to the girl I wrangled from Hollywood strip. I dragged her around for two weeks. Yeeha yeeha ariba ariba!

ANyway, here's my question for you all: Why does Phucket suck so bad? All I can figure is that the overwhelming hoards of English who prefer family style beach vacations and a strip of unairconditioned bars where they can practice their favorite sport of drinking have thoroughly made Phucket unenjoyable. The go-go's in Phucket are limited and seem to stock fat, dark skinned, old girls who shoot fish from their 'hoy'. Phucket girls are fucking scary. Time has not been kind to them. I stayed two nights with my BKK beauty and was glad to leave. There was nothing redeeming about seeing drunken english fight outside the tiger disco or sweating in the Aussiebar with a corona and a stack of old limes.

If you want to avoid all the English bullshit in Phucket, I would pick the Lucifer club or Candy Shack in Pataya. Grab yourself a girl from Nana and avoid fucking nokair (who are a pain in the ass when buying tickets with a international credit card). A short 70 min ride via taxi will get you to the dirty beaches of Pataya for 1300 BHT and you can crash at the Lido Beach Hotel for 1000 BHT/night. They fucking hate me at that hotel after my girl ruined their sheets with Henna tattoos while I refused to open my door before 4pm for cleaning, and checked out 2 days late. Fuck'em if they can't take a joke. I didn't even show them any ID when I checked in. they should be grateful I paid at all. The lady at the front desk screaming 'you pay now!' when I told her one more day was a fucking riot. Great hotel though - quick with the laundry. I'll be picking red threads out of my clothes for weeks to come.

In BKK, try the counterfeit whiskey at Hollywood Disco. There's about 3 Falang in the whole place, but it's a good time. Just be mindful of rubbing up too much on your Thai girl in the place. Two Thai pricks were planning to stab me the first night, but luckily one of the waiters had my back. It would have been a bad place to have a fight - all Thais against me... roflol

Rick says:

He wants to know who you are - Dicer

Well I can see that a lot of it is to do with confusing a raised middle finger with that of a friendly wave.

Doesnt permission ruin hostility? - Dicer

my my.. do with putting up with low behaviour even from oh I'm super educated ones too.

Koo says:

So, this is how to attract big bunch of crackers. Say something that spoiling a place where they live in and gives them opportunity. I don't think this source is reliable like a foxnews. These disparaging worthless farangs are bannished from their motherlands, their own communities, their parents, and wanted by their governments. They are criminal. It's rightful to kill them on sight. Burma is right closing their country. Kill all the farangs.

JJ says:

Guys, this used to be an amusing site, and even if I did not much like TK, I had to give him credit for wit, style and intelligence. I think TK now is not the real one, but an imposter. The rest is a lot of drivel, and David, PLEASE do shut this website down. It has turned into a whorehouse of ads for sex, and the funny articles are so few these days. Nothing is permanent, even Dana's input here is boring, making me think it is another imposter. Ah, whatever...

Grunt says:

Since Google could not shut MS down with a frontal assault, it sent in provacateurs to grind the place to dust.

David is doing a bang up job helping them do their job, as well.

R.I.P. MangoSauce

Dick Renegade says:

JJ can lick my ass with Heinz tomato ketchup.

TANAI KWAI says:

Hi JJ,

Thanks for your unmitigated praise.

I'm afraid I am the same TK as ever. Thing-of-it-is, it's like tennis. You tend to improve when you play with your betters and things go downhill when you don't.

As for the sex ads, they obviously help pay the hosting bills so that we may all enjoy this site. Please patronize our sponsors.

I also implore you to post something from time to time, JJ. Your anti-whoring perspective is not represented nearly often enough in this den of iniquity.

Yours,
TK

thebamboorat says:

Jack Wow,

to paraphrase Arthur Dent in The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy,

"This must be another meaning of the word amusing that I was previously unaware of."

OK. It was uncalled for on my part to tell all and sundry to piss off. I was just appealing for maybe a lighter coating of Nietzsche, not so much woeful “poetry” and generally less biting and scratching.

(Nietzsche?? Is he that bloke with the dodgy knees who plays centre-half forward for the Melbourne Aussie Rules Club?).

I dunno, maybe I’m just too stupid to see the humour that is hidden in some of that stuff but I reckon Hans Blix and a whole legion of WMD inspectors would be hard pressed to ferret it out.

JJ says:

Hi TK,

Thanks for inviting me as a kind of "guest speaker", to help uphold decency on the site. However I am not sure the majority of the readers, nor the site owner, share your view as to the necessity of such writings, but I shall keep it in mind, if I ever again get too upset about the going-ons in here... ;-)

OK, sorry guys for my previous post, but it is just so that I miss the good ol' Mango Sauce. But I guess it is "hard to keep it up forever", and nothing is permanent. Oh well, hope to be back later on a more positive note.

Dicer says:

So, if all of this teaches us anything, as Borat would say, "it should teach us how to respect everyone: animals, mutants, slappers, spazmos, mingers, lezzers, fatty boombahs.... So, to all you lot mangostinas, but mainly to the normal people learn your doggy thinking." Dr Dog Whisperer.

And Rick, yes spot on about low behaviour...just the phrase I was looking for the sewer world...Why do people think it is OK to accept really low levels of behaviour in a foreign country? Like the hedious mutant tarts or say the two drunk Brits I spotted in front of the kao san police station about 11 in the AM...completely drunk and barefoot. One had seriously gashed his feet which were covered in blood and garbage. As they walked by the worst (including these) try to make a pass at a lady tourist police officer in the information box. Now up the ante and have these guys beating up an old lady or the like and you get the Thais freaking out. And finally one of the blinking moles like Sulak comes out the ground and clicks into action http://www.sulak-sivaraksa.org/web/ (someone who is virulently anti farang anti west anti anything and respected by most of the army officer corps and bureaucrats who want to shut kao san and nana down if it werent for the maf guys)...in the end though in the Thai world low scum behaviour is as acceptable as virtue...the fifty-fifty balance harmony etc.... but tell that to the Brit who wanted to screw the tourist police woman before dressing his gushed feet and he'd probably think it's justification for his actions.... and replicate same odious man all over the place...... sewer world n'est-ce pas?

bill says:

Nice beach resorts in Rayong. Kinda spendy but not a hooker in sight.

Dick Renegade says:

This year I am presenting the award for Master Whore Wrangler 2006 to my friend Jim (other identity related details left out to protect the innocent).

R.S. says:

MR> DICER: My wife and I have been involved with the Australian Kennel Club for a good many years in various capacities. If you want to learn about canine behaviour read Patricia McConnell or Brian Kilcommons. They are the people considered genuine experts in the field worldwide. The Dog Whisperer show is not a good representation of modern canine training methods. It often looks to me like a show that simply uses animals as props with no real concern for the longterm welfare of the animal. IMO Milan is just a Hollywood fellow out to make a killing in the marketplace.The true professionals with integrity do not market themselves this way. At times he reminds me of one of those con artists who use the power of suggestion to make audience members believe he is really psychic. Too many people are easily manipulated by Hollywodd when they do not have real life experience about a field of expertise. I would ask any fan of that show whether he has ever trained a dog himself. The answer is probably no. Here is a clipping from The New York YTimes that expresses the view of those of us involved with canine training in Australia and Europe and I would say the U.S. and South Africa also.

Pack of Lies
________________________________________
By MARK DERR
Published: August 31, 2006

WITH a compelling personal story as the illegal immigrant made good because of his uncanny ability to understand dogs, Cesar Millan has taken the world of canine behavior — or rather misbehavior — by storm. He has the top-rated program, “Dog Whisperer,” on the National Geographic Channel, a best-selling book and a devoted following, and he has been the subject of several glowing magazine articles.

He is even preparing to release his own “Illusion” collar and leash set, named for his wife and designed to better allow people to walk their dogs the “Cesar way” — at close heel, under strict control.

Essentially, National Geographic and Cesar Millan have cleverly repackaged and promoted a simplistic view of the dog’s social structure and constructed around it a one-size-fits-all, cookie-cutter approach to dog training. In Mr. Millan’s world, dog behavioral problems result from a failure of the human to be the “pack leader,” to dominate the dog (a wolf by any other name) completely.

While Mr. Millan rejects hitting and yelling at dogs during training, his confrontational methods include physical and psychological intimidation, like finger jabs, choke collars, extended sessions on a treadmill and what is called flooding, or overwhelming the animal with the thing it fears. Compared with some training devices still in use — whips and cattle prods, for example — these are mild, but combined with a lack of positive reinforcement or rewards, they place Mr. Millan firmly in a long tradition of punitive dog trainers.

Mr. Millan brings his pastiche of animal behaviorism and pop psychology into millions of homes a week. He’s a charming, one-man wrecking ball directed at 40 years of progress in understanding and shaping dog behavior and in developing nonpunitive, reward-based training programs, which have led to seeing each dog as an individual, to understand what motivates it, what frightens it and what its talents and limitations are. Building on strengths and working around and through weaknesses, these trainers and specialists in animal behavior often work wonders with their dogs, but it takes time.

Mr. Millan supposedly delivers fast results. His mantra is “exercise, discipline, affection,” where discipline means “rules, boundaries, limitations.” Rewards are absent and praise scarce, presumably because they will upset the state of calm submission Mr. Millan wants in his dogs. Corrections abound as animals are forced to submit or face their fear, even if doing so panics them.

Mr. Millan builds his philosophy from a simplistic conception of the dog’s “natural” pack, controlled by a dominant alpha animal (usually male). In his scheme, that leader is the human, which leads to the conclusion that all behavior problems in dogs derive from the failure of the owner or owners to dominate. (Conveniently, by this logic, if Mr. Millan’s intervention doesn’t produce lasting results, it is the owner’s fault.)

Women are the worst offenders in his world. In one of the outtakes included in the four-DVD set of the first season of “Dog Whisperer,” Mr. Millan explains that a woman is “the only species that is wired different from the rest.” And a “woman always applies affection before discipline,” he says. “Man applies discipline then affection, so we’re more psychological than emotional. All animals follow dominant leaders; they don’t follow lovable leaders.”

Mr. Millan’s sexism is laughable; his ethology is outdated.

The notion of the “alpha pack leader” dominating all other pack members is derived from studies of captive packs of unrelated wolves and thus bears no relationship to the social structure of natural packs, according to L. David Mech, one of the world’s leading wolf experts. In the wild, the alpha wolves are merely the breeding pair, and the pack is generally comprised of their juvenile offspring and pups.

“The typical wolf pack,” Dr. Mech wrote in The Canadian Journal of Zoology in 1999, “is a family, with the adult parents guiding the activities of a group in a division-of-labor system.” In a natural wolf pack, “dominance contests with other wolves are rare, if they exist at all,” he writes.

That’s a far cry from the dominance model that Mr. Millan attributes to the innate need of dogs by way of wolves.

Unlike their wolf forebears, dogs exist in human society. They have been selectively bred for 15,000 or more years to live with people. Studies have shown that almost from birth they are attentive to people, and that most are eager to please, given proper instruction and encouragement.

But sometimes the relationship goes very wrong, and it is time to call on a professional.

Aggression is perhaps the most significant of the behavioral problems that may afflict more than 20 percent of the nation’s 65 million dogs, because it can lead to injury and death. Mr. Millan often treats aggression by forcing the dog to exercise extensively on a treadmill, by asserting his authority over the dog by rolling it on its back in the “alpha rollover,” and through other forms of intimidation, including exposure to his pack of dogs.

Forcefully rolling a big dog on its back was once recommended as a way to establish dominance, but it is now recognized as a good way to get bitten. People are advised not to try it. In fact, many animal behaviorists believe that in the long run meeting aggression with aggression breeds more aggression.

More important, aggression often has underlying medical causes that might not be readily apparent — hip dysplasia or some other hidden physical ailment that causes the dog to bite out of pain; hereditary forms of sudden rage that require a medical history and genealogy to diagnose; inadequate blood flow to the brain or a congenital brain malformation that produces aggression and can only be uncovered through a medical examination. Veterinary behaviorists, having found that many aggressive dogs suffer from low levels of serotonin, have had success in treating such dogs with fluoxetine (the drug better known as Prozac).

Properly treating aggression, phobias, anxiety and fears from the start can literally save time and money. Mr. Millan’s quick fix might make for good television and might even produce lasting results in some cases. But it flies in the face of what professional animal behaviorists — either trained and certified veterinarians or ethologists — have learned about normal and abnormal behavior in dogs.

Source:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/31/
op...688000&emc=eta

Dicer says:

Really funny. I guess their wolf expert has never seen any of the many documentaries on wolves which are viscious and fight all the time. This writer is trying to defend the hapless people who are not only terrorized by tiny dogs but obviously can't get along with other people as well. The idea of using Prozac on doggies is perfect because that's what the humans do to their own kids.

At least take a look at Cesar's website www.dogpsychologycenter.com and you'll find his methods explained in good detail.

shaky says:

Question I have is: can you get the girls into the hotels if you want? (say Hyatt, hilton, Marriott)

Paddy O'Ffialle says:

Shaky,
Nice to see someone trying to get this thread back on track. It looks like I might be in Hua Hin for a few days over Christmas. Any suggestions as to where I can take my mate Rooney?

Dick Renegade says:

Shaky,

Yeah it's not a problem although I have been "fined" 600 Baht by a couple unscrupulous hotels that will charge you for having a second person stay the night with you.

Ask at the desk before you check in.

shaky says:

Dick - thanks for the info.

Paddy - if the question was aimed at me - not yet, going there next week, so should have some info after the 10th Dec. Will try to remember to come back to comment.

Roger Watford says:

Blimey.Ive spent quite some time in H.H.but have never met such erudite (or should that be pretentious?) farangs as those posting comments here. What is it about these people that they think they have carte blanche to rubbish whole towns and inhabitants? I think its because they're sad lonely gits who couldnt get away with this in their home towns. And what the f...s all this about Nietze. Get back to accentuating the positive you tossers.

Biff says:

Yep! Same Same long time for Becks too :-)you just didn't see him and now he's been sacked you will be seeing more of him In Hua Hin lmao :-)

Biff.

Bloody trouble makers.

richard says:

Personnaly

I think you're talking shit

Sure. Hua Hin is now like Blackpool, Margate or Southport but shop around

Has all all the pleasures of a 'nice place' but with any where in Thailand has sleaze too

Grow up

richard says:

Ps

I think most of your information and feed back is crap

Do you live here? No

Take your 'aging parents' to a remote village in Isaan and enjoy

Goggle ride on. Yout site stinks