July 11 2006

Hemorrhoid hell on Koh Chang

grapes

Hemorrhoids are no joke but, if your arse explodes on remote Koh Chang, the locals will piss themselves laughing. The hero of this painful true story prefers to remain anonymous - so lets call him Nobby Stiles.

For the benefit of Mango Sauce's international readership, I first have to explain that shy English folk like myself are incapable of using words like "hemorrhoids" or "piles" in everyday conversation and rely instead on euphemisms known collectively as rhyming slang. To avoid saying the awkward word, we substitute another that (sort of) rhymes with it:

Ceramics: Ceramic tiles = Piles
Nobby Stiles: (tenacious Man United midfielder) = Piles
Chalfonts: Chalfont St Giles (English village) - Ditto

The classic expression for indicating to others that your piles are causing discomfort is "Ooo me Chalfonts!"

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Back when I had a proper job, our equal opportunities co-ordinator was an African lady going by the name of Oomi. We all secretly hoped that one day she'd marry a man called Mr. Chalfonts.

Anyway, back to the story...

With pharmacies being so few and far between on Koh Chang, Nobby was forced to hire a motorcycle taxi to hunt down some soothing Preparation H but every bump and pothole on the island's poorly maintained roads inflicted new misery.

In each primitive drug store, he'd explain his embarrassing affliction to a giggling teenage girl - often with the added indignity of having to mime - only to be told that they stocked just Tiger Balm and suntan lotion.

Patient confidentiality is a term quite unfamiliar to the pharmacists of Koh Chang so, pretty soon, Nobby couldn't walk down the street without laughing Thai strangers asking after his battered bottom.

His condition didn't improve but, by concealing it, he was able to socialise with other tourists without fear of ridicule. He hit it off with a hot German girl but, at the end of the night, had to make his excuses.

Inevitably, she came scratching on his bungalow door later, begging for sex under some lame pretext, but all Nobby could do was pretend to be asleep and curse his throbbing bum-grapes.

[Posted to Travel by David]

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Readers' comments

girlygirl says:

Lol

Serves him right!

July 12, 2006 4:09 AM

bangkokram says:

David, This isn't a lame excuse to extract the correct name of Thai "Anusol" out of the Mangosauce readership is it?. So you don't have to go to the Chemist and explain about the bunch of grapes hanging from your arse.

I bought a supply with me from the UK, they call that forsight!

July 12, 2006 10:52 AM

Mac says:

On the couple of occasions that I've sufferred with hemmies in recent years, I was unable to find the familiar Preparation H at my local Thai pharmacy, and instead came home with a tube of something called Anusol, which I expected to be a similar product with a different name.

But unlike Prep H, which I remember as being a transparent gel, this product is brown and has the consistency of putty. And like putty, it is water-insoluable, making it very sticky and difficult to wash up after. You have to wonder if it will set and seal up the crapworks altogether.

Upon opening the tube, you might be as tempted to put it in your mouth as up your arse, since it looks and smells like rich, creamy chocolate.

One can imagine a Broke-arse Mountain scenario in which the piles sufferer asks his good buddy to apply the stuff to his own "applicator" and then insert it in the sufferer's arse. Afterwards, the friend might then present the patient with a chocolate flavoured Poopsicle to suck on as a reward for taking his medicine like a man.

July 12, 2006 11:44 AM

Combover says:

Anusol applied to eye bags is also a well known catwalk moggle trick for hiding their cocaine induced black eye circles.

July 12, 2006 9:32 PM

Eddie says:

My wife has a nobby problem, as a memory of giving birth to our son. She uses Anusol, but she gets these lozenges that you have to put in the fridge. Once the lozenges are cold, she gets one out and stuffs it up her bum. They easily disappear up into the darker regions and work from the inside. She swears by them. She tells me they are very effective.

July 13, 2006 10:54 AM

Koenji says:

I hope Nobby managed to cure his Nuremburgs.

July 16, 2006 3:50 PM

Banjo says:

Shifting a few timezones further West, you can find Anbusol, a mere letter away from being a treatment capable of sorting your 'Farmer Giles' out. Anbusol is an anesthetic gum/teething gel. Such a shame our hero didn't administer that to the ol' dingleberries. It's all about being resourceful...

The treatment I was recommended of whilst suffering the same in Thailand about 6 years back was adminstration of small, single-use vial of Sodium Chloride solution, with a slightly less than surgical finish to it's nozzle. You could have heard my screams from Heathrow...

July 17, 2006 4:22 AM

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