October 10 2003

Buriram: Home of ladies who love farangs

Buriram buffalo

For me, a jungle shack full of biting insects and freeloaders is no holiday destination, so for years I made one feeble excuse after another to avoid visiting my Thai girlfriend's family home outside Buriram. However, a few months ago, I finally gave in and agreed to a day-trip. It was perfect timing as we would have the house to ourselves.

The night-train was fairly comfortable but the time did drag a bit. We stopped at every station and there was no food on sale. My girlfriend admitted that the Special Express would have been quicker. She said that it also had food and drink served by hostesses in short skirts - skirts so short, in fact, that gentlemen travellers are sometimes tempted to drop their cutlery in the aisle by accident. Needless to say, I took personal charge of booking the return leg.

Eight hours later, we stepped out into the surprisingly cold early-morning air. A bumpy motorcycle ride brought us to the house. It was still dark, so we lay down on a dusty mattress and tried to get some sleep. Fitful dreams about the ladies of the State Railway of Thailand gave way to the heat of the mid-morning sun radiating from the tin roof. A bird was fluttering somewhere in the darkness above. We pushed open the shutters to let the daylight in.

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The room was large and cluttered. Its rough wooden walls were decorated with pages cut from women's magazines. Under the eyes of hundreds of nameless fashion models, we set about tidying up. The house was surprisingly spacious with a large airy living area and three partitioned bedrooms under a tall corrugated iron roof. My girlfriend showed me a small hole in the wall of her parents' bedroom through which, at night, she used to peep. This was sex education Thai-style. The roof used to have holes too. During the rainy season, the whole family had to chew gum and then use it to plug the leaks. To this day, it remains watertight.

Outside was a small concrete annex containing the kitchen and bathroom. The shower consisted of a trough of cold water and a small plastic bowl to scoop it up with. Though crude, it was actually quite a pleasant experience. The toilet was a hole in the ground - ok for a piss, but anything more ambitious would have to wait until I got back to Bangkok.

We hopped onto the family motorbike and went off in search of breakfast. On the way, my girlfriend explained the rules:

1. Don't talk to anyone
2. Don't let on that you can speak Thai
3. Don't get bitten by a snake

Some years ago, she brought her previous boyfriend home. When left on his own, he made the mistake of saying hi to some of the locals. He might have got away with it had he not used his few words of Thai. This was like pouring petrol on the fire. She returned to find the house full of strangers, drinking their way through his savings. It took three days to get rid of them.

The snake rule is obviously common sense but there are those who choose to ignore it. Rattle snakes are quite common in this region. Their bite is not always fatal but it does need attention. There is a clinic in the village, but the last guy who got bitten went to the temple instead. Having seen the state of the clinic, I'd be inclined to take my chances at the temple too.

We ate an excellent breakfast of chicken fried rice before setting off on a tour of the village. The houses looked basic but comfortable enough. The nicer ones belong to the families of girls who work in the sex industry. We passed the compound of the local big-man. Parents from all over the region bring their daughters here in the hope that he will find them jobs in one of his sex businesses. Next, we saw a house that was simply breathtaking - a huge classical villa that might have belonged to a wealthy politician. In fact, it was the home of the local primary school teacher who claims to have financed it with a bank loan. Yeah, right.

On the way back, we passed the local rubbish dump. Although not very big, it was a foul mess. Human remains turn up there quite regularly. A murder victim and an unwanted baby were the most recent discoveries. Just then, a battered pick-up truck sped past with a noisy cargo of about 20 frantic dogs - all destined for the dinner table.

Back at the house, we both felt pretty smug about getting back unnoticed. It was then that the visitors began to arrive.

First up was the unkempt old lady from next door. She had obviously lost the plot but the mangos she brought over were quite nice. I washed them first though. Her story was rather sad. Her daughter had taken to glue-sniffing and cutting herself. One day, she bled to death. When the old lady lost her daughter, she also lost her marbles. She still had the presence of mind to shake us down for 100 baht though.

Next up was the old man from down the street. He said that my girlfriend's mum owed him 1,000 baht. A quick call on the cellphone revealed this to be untrue. Wrong-footed by modern technology, the sly old git left empty-handed, cursing as he went. Had he just walked in and asked for 100 baht, he would have got it.

As we watched him shuffling off, a smart new pick-up truck drew up. It was the local policeman and he seemed pleased to see us. Apparently, we had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to buy a new European-style house from him. He was sorry to learn that we were returning to Bangkok within the hour. We had just enough time to pack our things before the transport arrived.

At the train station, we had 10 minutes to kill before the Special Express was due in. I was already congratulating myself at having avoided one-to-one contact with the locals. It was when my girlfriend went off to buy a bag of corn snacks that the man in the grubby orange t-shirt made his move. His English was poor but it soon became clear that he supported Liverpool. "You Manchester United?" he asked. I shook my head. "You speak Thai?" he asked. "No" I lied. A heavy silence fell. As my girlfriend returned with the corn snacks, my new Thai friend went on his way with a cheery wave.

On boarding the train, I was shocked to see that the hostesses were wearing knee-length skirts. Apparently their complaints to management about the indignity of wearing the short ones had been upheld. The food was good though and, in daylight, the view of paddy fields was marvellous. There were animals everywhere. Six hours later, we reached Bangkok.

I wouldn't say that staying in Buriram was comfortable but the landscape is pretty, the food is good and visitors can be sure of a warm welcome.

[Posted to Travel by David]

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Readers' comments

T.J. says:

I must say after reading your story I dont agree with it besides the snake thing, I have been to my wifes village in Nokonsawoan many times and have never experienced the things you talk of. maybe youve flowered the story up a little t make it more intresting nothing like artistic licence hey !.

April 27, 2004 1:49 PM

David says:

TJ - Just like the other postings on Mango Sauce (outside the fiction section), the events reported here as fact are all 100% true. I've re-read the piece and I can't identify a single paragraph that seems implausible. Please remember that this is Thailand, not Iowa, and that strangeness is normal around here. Perhaps you walk around with your eyes closed. I can also confirm that no animals were mistreated during the making of this posting (except, perhaps, those unfortunate dogs in the back of the pick up truck) - David.

April 27, 2004 2:05 PM

Cynic says:

Perceptions are a funny thing. I've always enjoyed visiting my wifes hometown - at least for the first six days. After that I try and stay inside as my body cannot cope with any further rice whiskey.

But I can't imagine the horror stories that I hear from others and read on the various websites happening in her hometown. They really seem a decent class of people.

If you recognise that Thai's love a good time almost as much as they love money you should be able to make up for your lack of fiscal generosity with a generosity of spirit. Though if you don't drink - you're fucked, stay home.

April 27, 2004 3:51 PM

Diego says:

Dear sirs and madams,

I don't doubt the above story in the least. However, I would like to offer my story in contrast.

I was on 2 1/5 weeks vacation in Thailand. My Thai girlfriend and I had met on a train in another country. She was a factory worker and had a midnight curfew. With her working the graveyard shift and with the curfew, we valued the time we had to be together. ok ok that is a tangent.

To the grain -- she met me at the airport in BKK and we left immediately for her hometown, Ban That. On the way she explained that her grandmother was dying and so many relatives were coming.

We spent a day and night at a university on the way. There I met her younger brother.

Getting closer to her hometown, I noticed that everywhere the earth was red. Upon arriving, the town seemed to be one of the smallest villages I have ever been in -- about 700 people (or was it 700 houses?).

When I got to her home, I was welcomed by her mother and father and some other aunts and uncles. My gf told me we couldn't go touring until her grandmother died. Although few of you would envy my circumstances at the time; not being able to leave her village until grandmother died, I was in love with that village.

Sure, that was inconvenient, but the sky was blue, the air clean, the people friendly, and the atmosphere peaceful.

All told I spent about two weeks there. The worst thing I can say about the place is that you should never ever take a midnight stroll in the countryside. The reason is because the neighborhood dogs get more and more agitated by you, and many of them are not leashed!

As I left that place I did my best to keep from balling in front of people. Call me sentimental but I loved it there and my girlfriend's family's goodbye, the experience of her grandmother dying in the living room below me, her funeral, children outside playing rope, etc left me very emotional upon leaving.

Although my time there was short, my memories of Ban That will stay with me always.

April 27, 2004 9:00 PM

John U says:

Nice story Diego, but as you left the place you did your best to keep from "balling" in front of people?

I have a feeling you meant "bawling" because the one you quoted means fucking to our friends from the good ole US of A.

On the other hand maybe you were feeling as horny as hell after 2 weeks of celibacy. That's fully understandable. So if you did manage to blow your balls off on the back seat of the bus, or in the toilet at the bus stop please let us know. It would be nice to have another little fantasy, as some of us are a few montths away from the Big Mango.

April 27, 2004 11:49 PM

John U says:

I have to give my support to this story of David's because my experience of going to the girlfriend's house in Roi Et was very similar.

What I really didn't like is the way they try to scrounge money out of you.

When I was leaving the whole family lined up with their hands out, for a um.. hand out. The Thais don't seem to have any personal pride about that sort of thing. They feel pleased to get money out of you as if it's a great personal achievement.

From my limited Thai I knew they were asking one another how much they got.

They don't seem to get satisfaction from honestly earning the dough. Anyway they get it is good.

April 28, 2004 1:44 AM

Tanai Kwan says:

I'd like to congratulate the contributors to this interesting thread. After some constructive feedback from friends, I have reread my own contributions and am forced to admit that I am an unamusing windbag who takes 10 paragraphs to say what could be stated in 2.

To all those that I have offended, I apologise. In my defence, I am American.

April 28, 2004 2:18 AM

TANAI KWAI says:

Guilty as charged.

But we Americans misspell everything:

defence becomes defense
apologise becomes apologize

Kiwis, I understand, prefer U.K. spellings.

It may surprise you to learn, however, that we all spell "obsessed loser" the same way.(!)

(winky)

April 28, 2004 4:01 AM

TANAI KWAI says:

Back on topic...

While I'm here, I'm reminded of a profound (as these things go) warning given by William Burroughs:

"Beware of whores who say they don't want any of your money. It just means they want all of your money."

This is by no means meant to impugn any of the ladies discussed above. Just regard it as an "atmospheric" kind of observation.

I have seen too many sophisticated farangs who fancy themselves to be "players" get rolled by girls with a sixth-grade education. Some say you can't con a con-man but I submit that such men are the easiest marks of all.

As for me, my girl's people never ask me for anything -- but nor are they especially appreciative when they receive something.

(...)

April 28, 2004 4:14 AM

I-Hia! says:

Your "girl" is a post-op ex-convict, and her family can barely tolerate you, much less appreciate your cheap attempts to buy their acceptance. Go home, dumbass. I-Hia!

April 28, 2004 9:32 AM

Cynic says:

William Burroughs also enjoyed fucking young Algerian lads up the Khyber, so as much as I appreciate his literary genius, I'll take any of his advice with a grain of salt.

"Nah, she's not from a bar" - traditional Franag way of introducing their girlfriend.

April 28, 2004 9:45 AM

TANAI KWAI says:

IAN/I-HIA:

God are you a putz. Entertain me or something at least.

Cynic:

Burroughs had a thing for hairless Algerian boys? Sorry to hear that. If that figures prominently in his life story I guess I've semi-consciously avoided learning any more about the man than I already do. Toward the end he really began to disintegrate and his art seemed tinged with a kind of affected, gratuitously controversial, Alzheimer's-related dementia. It's really sad for him to have gone out like that. But he was a giant who advanced the cultural ball and the whores-who-don't-want-your-money observation, at least, rings true.

I've heard Ari Onassis had the same affliction (lad-buggering) but, Greek jokes aside, that one seems a bit more counterintuitive since the guy went around saying things like "If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning."*

(...)

[*That being said, if you're a fan of Ernest Becker's notions of our insatiable drive for symbol acquisition then I suppose Ari's "meaning" need not relate to anything sexual at all. Maybe Ari really meant to say "If trophy wives like Jacqueline didn't exist..."]

April 28, 2004 11:14 AM

Cynic says:

Tanai:

Yeah, heroin and boys were his obsessions (addictions). He was funny though, in that he was kind of a "man's fag" in the sense that he held a feeling of disgust for mincers.

If you are a reader, then I recommend you give him a try. Ironically his most famous book is one that I've never been able to get through - "the Naked Lunch", but I enjoyed some of his fiction and his non-fiction is also exceptional.

April 28, 2004 11:26 AM

TIMH says:

I am truly impressed with the breadth of this thread. In a discussion on a day trip Buriam, we have a quote by William Burroughs (with added comment on his sex life) and passing mention of Aristotle (with comment on his sex life) and Jacqueline Onassis. Very impressive.
I guess it could have been worse, like a discussion of can or will you use a squat toilet or not.
TH

April 28, 2004 11:35 AM

Dean says:

William S. Burroughs was a great writer!

Truth is stranger than fiction so I might as well haul out this turgid detail of my life. I visited Chiang Mai zoo last year and wore a suit and trenchcoat, because I wanted to dress like Burroughs.
The Thais asked me why I wore a trenchcoat in such hot weather. The bedoin believe that the cloth forms a shade over the skin and protects from sunburn.

My favourite sayings from him are:

"The vegetable serenity of junk."

"All diseases are diseases of exposure, to be sure."

"Women are a mistake. The same mistake that resulted in a dualistic Universe."
(Although I think Burroughs would have been more accurate if he said that men are a mistake. Women are the oviparians and if they can attain parthenogenesis, then men would be that much more of a vestigial entity.-Dean)

The books, 'Junky', and 'Interzone' are amongst my desert island books.
In Interzone, Burroughs writes about the lives of shiftless, feckless expatriates living in Tangier.
James Van Praagh 'Reaching Heaven', Richard Bach 'Johnathon Livingston Seagull', David Icke 'The Biggest Secret' are as well amongst my desert island books.

He is very much like a... gentleman scamp. Although he was a junkie, there was something very elegant in his St. Louis, Missouri middle class, big old rambling house upbringing.

Dean

August 12, 2004 12:21 PM

thongsuk says:

Any truth to the story that Burroughs "divorced" one of his wives or at least got rid of a clingy girlfriend (or paid off a hooker) by placing an apple on top of her head and attempting to blast it off with a service revolver from ten feet away?
That was the version he gave the cops.

His famil's lawyers beat the murder change by claiming incapicitation from a heroin high. . . . . the loveable old scamp ;-)

August 12, 2004 2:14 PM

Dean says:

"The vegetable serenity of junk.
The mechanical lift of coke."
-William Burroughs

Someone wrote that my writing is full of non-sequitors. True enough. This is a perfect segue: Burroughs used the form of writing called cut-ups. As he said,
Life is always being cut up by random factors. One looks at a wall, then the floor, walks out of their room, looks down at the floor, leaves the apartment, then looks at the sky and on and on.

Since this article is about Buriram, I have a blurb to add about this town in a clumsy, fledgeling writer's attempt at product placement.
Buriram has a most wonderful old stone temple.
It is situated at the top of a hill. As one approaches the hill, one can only see the triangular tip of the Khmer style phrang. It reminds of the Magic Castle in Disneyland in Anaheim California U.S.A..
Stunning.
The stones of that stone temple are built as such so that not even a piece of paper could slip between them. Such precision does not exist today.
Either Von Daniken was right, and ETs visited this planet and built the pyramids in Mexico, Egypt, Borobodur Indonesia, Cambodia, etc. or the precision of those stones was due to the possibility that the stones were not cut with a saw, but had hydrochloric acid poured downward. Smooth. Follows gravity.

Lots of tourists at the stone temple in Buriram.

Yours, Dean

August 12, 2004 4:53 PM

Dean says:

Obviously the first three letters of Buriram are the same first three letters of the name Burroughs.
B, U, and R.

Talk about a psychic snarl!

Dean

August 14, 2004 12:01 PM

Roger says:

David,

Rattle Snakes are NOT common in Buriram. The Rattle Snake is native to North America - you will not find a wild Rattle Snake anywhere else. It pays to check your facts.

August 23, 2004 11:04 PM

TANAI KWAI says:

"It pays to check your facts."

Yes, David, just imagine how much more profitable Mango Sauce would be today had you run this column by a herpetologist.

(...)

August 23, 2004 11:10 PM

Intrepid Traveller says:

Dave: Enjoyed your story about your visit to your GF's village very much. I did the same thing last month except travel was by bus and no one hit me up for baht until the last day. They were saving up for the finale. Which was that since I had slept with their unmarried daughter in their house they had to make some sort of merit to say "they were sorry" otherwise sickness might come to their house. "But I am not sorry," I tried to explain but there was no escaping it. Just before we left the whole family - all 20 of them - sat around in a big circle and with a lot of mumble jumble Granny held out the bowl for my offering for "being sorry" which turned out to be 2000 baht. That about equalled about 100 baht for each of them so I recon thats about the standard fare. Plus the cost of all the food, whisky, coke and other sundries during our two day stay. I don't think I could afford to live out there!

August 23, 2004 11:40 PM

Intrepid Traveller says:

Dave: Now that I ponder on it a bit and after re-reading your story a few times I must admit that I am alarmed by the similarities in the houses - down to the last detail. Even the description of the roof. I must confess I am more than a little worried that we may have visited the same house and family. Your girlfriends name isn't Joy by any chance IS IT?

August 24, 2004 4:38 AM

Intrepid Traveller says:

Dave: Forgot to mention that indeed they are not Rattle Snakes but King Cobras. They are scarce in the area except when heavy rains come and then you may encounter one when you stroll down one of the rice paddy berms for a piss.
Reminds me of a story about a Canadian named John working (illegally of course) as a lineman for the county in Miss. His partner for the day was a man from the old South named Charles. When John was taking a piss on a berm he was bitten on the end of his penis by a large Cottonmouth and he collapsed in pain near the base of a telephone line pole. Charles was a quick thinker though and clambered up the pole, tapped into the line with his phone and called the local doctor. He described what had happened and asked what he should do. "Charles", said the old Doc, "You have lived here all your life. You know exactly what you have to do. Get down there and cut an x-shaped incision in that wound and suck that poison out". By now John was in terrible agony and he shouted out. "Have you got the Doctor on the phone yet Charles?" "Yes I do", replied Charles. "Well what does he say Charles?" "He says you're gonna die John".
I KNOW, but it is 5 AM in Bangkok and what else is there to do?

August 24, 2004 5:03 AM

Pat Paulsen says:

Took that overnight train and arrived at her home by seven in the morning to curious eyes and smiles from a leafy village. Burinam was immersion; an extended sick leave - breakfast, pajamas and tv on saturday mornings. Endemic "wake up and smell the coffee" lao khao style. Her sisters work built a larger house so we had some privacy. But following their dialect during supper was like keeping my head in a difficult game of verbal ping-pong, connecting the dots of (in)-comprehension. I couldn't wait to get up and leave during the more advanced stages of sensory deprivation. Glad I didn't, looking back on on the experience - nibbling on wood borer beetles chiseled out of large fallen trees, or a stew of paddy crabs dug from dikes using narrow spades and your fingers. A tall farang mangling bkk thai sounded hilarious surely and I was giggled at(or with) for a week. The Kmei, contentedly waiting out the days heat beneath a tree, and at a communal fire sharing its warmth at night. My girl helped me settle up the familys bill before returning to the Surin train station. Paid it all of course, sort of buying my freedom back. She returned to bkk two days later with one of her girl friends, what a surprise that was, coming back with a "newbie." Felt bad about never going back. to Burinam. My conscience twists..a...little...sometimes.

August 24, 2004 11:04 PM

Christian Seiwald says:

Savatikap!

I almost agree with your story about Buriram. I just been there 2 weeks ago and it was a really nice expirience. Just bad that no one except my girlfriend speaks English there, so she had to translate all the time. I've been there for 4 days, enough time if want to have some luxus like an AirCon or a good bathroom. I am just 22 yrs old and I think not bad looking, so everybody was well pleased to see me. And a lot of woman asked me, if I could bring a Farang friend of me for her daughter :) So that is something I no longer understand: Why go with a not so good looking Farrang girl, when there are thousands of Sueimagmags (very sexy ladies) in Thailand?

But my result: Buriram is a nice place to stay and I will visit the family again, the next time I come to Thailand. But it's just like another commentator said: 1 week is almost enough. Then go back to BKK or Pattaya!!

If u would comment me or ask me anything, just write me eMail! chris.seiwald@gmx.at

See ya in Thailand, Chris

June 12, 2006 3:19 PM

Combover says:

Just been up there myself and enjoyed it tremendously. The ceremony to introduce me to the dead ancestors was a little spooky, but on the whole the extended family seemed a pretty decent, hardworking bunch. Of course I stumped up a few thousand baht up front to my girlfriend so she could buy pork, chickens and a few bottles of beer or lao khao now and again, but nothing that would break the bank. Plus the odd 100 baht or so for friends' new babies too. After a day or two, everyone had pretty much inspected me, and then it all became very peaceful.

April 16, 2007 9:06 PM

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