April 12 2007
Tarts or temples? What brings you to Thailand?
Touring or whoring? Handicrafts or hand-jobs? Speculation abounds regarding our real reasons for vacationing in Thailand but the debate is conspicuously ill informed.
Now, the hot air is about to give way to hard facts. A leading Aussie academic has pledged to uncover the truth behind the stereotypes - and he needs our help.
March 6 2007
King Power chief drops Suvarnabhumi clanger
Page after page of shameless plugs amply illustrate that Lookeast Magazine is the dumpster slut of Bangkok publishing but a fluffy advertorial in the December issue inadvertently fingers duty free retailer, King Power, as the chief architect of the daily misery inflicted on passengers at Suvarnabhumi Airport.
December 18 2006
The sleazy charm of Georgetown, Penang
If you can't get laid in brothel it's usually your own fault but, if you're unlucky enough to be a Muslim man living in Penang, the law dictates that you have to wait outside while your Chinese friends get stuck in.
It's probably of little comfort but, after dark, Georgetown's sex-starved Muslims can take their pick of the horrific Indonesian ladyboys who prowl the streets.
October 6 2006
Hua Hin: Spa resort or brothel town?
Hua Hin can't decide whether it's a classy spa resort for the likes of David Beckham or a seedy brothel town more suitable for Wayne Rooney. Thailand's oldest and grandest beach resort is currently trying to be both and, by default, it's rapidly becoming the latter.
Our relaxing afternoon on Hua Hin's sandy beach was interrupted by a skanky-looking hooker who had tracked down her client from the previous night.
"Why you not want me?" she screamed at the bewildered tourist. "You think I low person? You fucking shit guy..." etc.
October 3 2006
Singapore's babe drought intensifies
The repercussions of Singapore's chronic babe drought go way beyond a simple lack of eye-candy (See Singapore girl, you're a great plate of fries). Any woman who looks half-reasonable can hit potential suitors with the classic double-whammy of stellar expectations plus a seriously bad attitude.
Datukmike explains the problem:
The financial centre is full of some seriously attractive women. The only problem is they are looking for extremely heavy wallets and stock or property portfolios.
Generally the Singapore women are not that good to be with. They either think they are Western and talk with fake whiney Yankee accents and pretend to be over-the-top outgoing and bubbly - any trip out involving at least one jewellery shop - or they have the personality of a slug. Mind you, both groups still shag the same so you make your choice based on affordability and what annoys you least.
September 16 2006
Singapore girl, you're a great plate of fries
Looking deliciously tactile in their soft, skin-tight uniforms, the legendary Singapore Girls of Singapore Airlines tend to be graceful ethnic Chinese beauties with impeccably applied makeup and incongruously slutty 1970s first names like Sharon or Tracy.
As she bends to fill your glass, a glimpse of fragrant Singapore Girl cleavage creates the kind of thrill that could make a man stow his tray table involuntarily.
I explored Singapore for the first time this week but, instead of hitting the Singapore Girl mother lode as expected, I unearthed the shocking truth is that pretty girls are as thin on the ground in the streets and malls of this prosperous city state as they are in London or New York.
September 12 2006
Sexy girls from war zones
Amidst the squalor of an Angolan refugee camp, a photojournalist chum couldn't help but notice that some of the starving women, in their ragged bras and knickers, were seriously hot.
Documenting a heart-rending tableau of human misery is far from easy when near-naked Angolan eye-candy keeps wandering into your shot.
Years of travel have convinced my friend that the world's most notorious war zones and trouble spots are also home to the world's hottest babes and, today, I intend to put his theory to the test.
August 4 2006
Thunder Ranch Shooting Range, Phnom Penh, Cambodia
These lucky tourists have just paid $15 to lob a Chinese-made hand grenade into a Cambodian fish pond. Lucky, that is, to be alive considering that they're practically standing on top of it.
Cambodia’s 911 Paratrooper Commandos are your congenial hosts at the Thunder Ranch Shooting Range just outside Phnom Penh. Here you can, depending on your political affiliations, tool up with either an M16 or an AK-47. An M60 machine gun is available for the discerning few who desire extra firepower.
American readers probably feel pretty smug right now because they can buy this stuff at Wal-Mart and test it at the nearest High School but if, like me, you come from a country where even drug-dealers are denied automatic weapons, playing Rambo is still quite a novelty.
July 24 2006
Western girls hire black studs in Jamaica
Western girls can't get laid at home so they're going to the Caribbean for paid sex with black studs. The Guardian's Lorna Martin reports from Jamaica:
Negril beach is the destination of choice for an increasing number of British female sex tourists. An estimated 80,000 single women, from teenagers to grandmothers, flock to the island every year and use the services of around 200 men known as 'rent a dreads', 'rastitutes' or 'the Foreign Service' who make this resort their headquarters.
That's 400 each!
July 11 2006
Hemorrhoid hell on Koh Chang
Hemorrhoids are no joke but, if your arse explodes on remote Koh Chang, the locals will piss themselves laughing. The hero of this painful true story prefers to remain anonymous - so lets call him Nobby Stiles.
For the benefit of Mango Sauce's international readership, I first have to explain that shy English folk like myself are incapable of using words like "hemorrhoids" or "piles" in everyday conversation and rely instead on euphemisms known collectively as rhyming slang. To avoid saying the awkward word, we substitute another that (sort of) rhymes with it:
Ceramics: Ceramic tiles = Piles
Nobby Stiles: (tenacious Man United midfielder) = Piles
Chalfonts: Chalfont St Giles (English village) - Ditto
The classic expression for indicating to others that your piles are causing discomfort is "Ooo me Chalfonts!"
February 16 2006
The Atlanta Hotel: Bastion of wholesome tourism
I've been called a Bangkok bastion a few times but no one has ever accused me of promoting wholesome tourism - until now.
Moments from the neon-lit debauchery of Nana Plaza lays The Atlanta Hotel - a run-down relic of the 1950s that purports to be "Bangkok's bastion of wholesome tourism." Sent in by Mr Peter, this Atlanta Hotel beer mat pledges zero tolerance of "sex tourists, junkies, louts and other degenerates."
To talk of faded grandeur would be understating things a little. Through the porthole of Bob Ballard's robot submarine, the Atlanta Hotel could easily be mistaken for the wreck of the Titanic.
August 11 2004
Beaches just a taxi-ride from Bangkok
Good food, cheap beer and somewhere reasonably comfortable to put your Thai girlfriend through a lengthy sexual ordeal are the key ingredients for enjoying a relaxing weekend at the beach.
If you can't be bothered with flying, an ordinary Bangkok taxi can drive you to any one of several pleasant beach resorts by lunchtime - for between 1,000 and 1,800 baht.
Pattaya is cheap and sleazy but, given that 99% of Mango Sauce readers have already been there, I'll say no more about it. Just don't bring the wife.
Cha-am boasts one of the longest beaches in Thailand and is favoured by Thai families. The sleaze is low key and of very low quality. Most hotels are what the guidebooks refer to as "clean and basic" - in other words, crap. Overall, the resort is cheap and blessed with an overabundance of squat-toilets.
Hua Hin is Cha-am's upmarket neighbour and is very popular with Nordic families. The beach would be quite nice if it weren't for dozens of horses pissing and shitting all over it but you can lounge by the pool at one of the resort's half-decent hotels instead. The sleaze is confined to a single street of shame.
July 26 2004
My dismal UK holiday snaps
Enduring other people's holiday snaps is life's second most onerous duty - after enduring other people's holiday videos - so take a deep breath and get ready to share the misery of my recent UK trip. It's a bit like a National Geographic pictorial - except that the locations are shite and the photographer swapped his Nikon for a Nokia.
Here's my first meal on British soil - egg and beans on toast. It cost the same as a five course dinner at a top Bangkok eatery but, in fairness, it was reasonably tasty. The local women, however, were not.
Britain seems to have suffered a gender-specific outbreak of obesity during my absence. The fellas don't look much different but the women have become huge. Officially, it's been nearly a century since Zeppelins were last seen over London but I can confirm that they've now come back in force. This returning holidaymaker (seen here stretching the elastic waistband of her grey jogging trousers) is a fairly typical example.
Interestingly, the country is currently awash with Anna Kournikova look-alikes fleeing the economic uncertainties of life in Eastern Europe but it's not yet clear how our potato-like Brit-chicks will respond to this new threat. Will they prise themselves off the sofa or graze fewer chocolate bars? Probably not - but, in the forthcoming UK referendum on the expansion of the European Union, it's safe to assume that they'll be voting NO.
April 13 2004
10 secrets of Bangkok airport
This week, I put the retail outlets of Bangkok's Don Muang airport to the test by hunting for 10 items that might feature on a typical traveller's shopping list. Here they are in order of importance:
1. Big bottle of water
Though essential to maintain human life, water is a rare and expensive commodity at Bangkok airport. Tiny bottles suitable only for hamster cages are available - but at a price. Drinking fountains (if they exist) are kept well-hidden. My recommendation: Lap up dirty water from puddles on the tarmac before you board the plane.
2. Book
The possibility of having to endure 120 minutes of Scooby Doo 2 is the best reason for bringing a good book. Bangkok airport has plenty of bookstands but they offer little but Thailand fiction and coffee-table tomes about teak houses. The prices are a piss-take too. Tea Money by Jake Needham, which normally retails for 450 baht in Asia Books, costs a whopping 720 baht at the airport. My recommendation: Spend the entire flight reading the safety procedures.
March 2 2004
Baby oil catch-me-if-you-can in Bali
The bikini-clad Japanese girls who frolicked in the pool of our Bali hotel proved to be surprisingly approachable but our inability to speak their language was frustrating. It crossed my mind that some sort of shared activity or party game could break the ice.
Baby oil catch-me-if-you-can is a game suitable for any number of players but it's only worthwhile if all the other participants are female. The protagonist strips naked, covers himself in baby oil and surprises a group of bikini-clad Japanese girls by running amok in their hotel room squealing "Catch me, catch me!"
February 29 2004
Japanese bikini babes in Bali
With their perfect skin and amazing figures, bikini-clad Japanese girls are hard to ignore. Bali is heaving with them and the sexiest ones could often be found frolicking in our hotel swimming pool.
With their stylish clothes and funky haircuts, we expected them to exude the same aloof attitude as western girls. Instead, they were delightfully polite and friendly. The Balinese staff pursued them relentlessly and, crucially, spoke fluent Japanese (See Horny female sex-tourists in Bali).
I would normally describe my travelling companion as a top bloke. In Bali, however, our friendship was put under severe strain when a couple of bikini-clad Japanese stunners asked him, not me, to take their photo.
February 24 2004
Bali travel report: Kuta beach
Two years after the bombings, tourists are finally returning to Bali. It's not surprising, really, because the facilities are swanky and the prices cheap. To enjoy Bali's lively nightlife, Kuta is the place to stay.
We thoroughly enjoyed the nightlife in Kuta. An overabundance of farang girls dilutes the underlying sleaze. The unattached gentleman can take his pick of fun-loving Aussie slappers or friendly Indonesian freelancers.
Kuta's best nightlife venues are clustered around site of the flattened Sari Club. The Bounty is a landlocked wooden sailing ship and the party takes place on deck. Next door, the rebuilt Paddy's Bar (See Paddy's Bar: #1 pick-up joint in Kuta, Bali) is also great fun.
Daytime in Kuta can be a chore, though. Walking down the main street is a deeply unpleasant experience. Hundreds of touts and hawkers hassle you every step of the way and some of them actually grab hold of you. I struggled to contain my rage.
February 23 2004
Horny female sex-tourists in Bali
In Bali, Japanese and farang women alike are queuing up for paid sex with Balinese men. Bali now rivals The Gambia as a Mecca for horny female sex-tourists on the prowl for a foreign gigolo.
Compared to their effeminate Thai brothers, Balinese gigolos are relaxed, confident and charming. Fluent in both English and Japanese, female sex-tourists seem to find them irresistible - even though many look a bit rough. Some of the guys we saw accompanying foreign girls back to their hotel rooms looked more like murderers.
The attentive male staff in our hotel spent most of their time pursuing the female guests. This was handy for the more reticent girls, too shy to score paid sex on the streets.
February 21 2004
My Bali gay slur #2
Crashed out in my Bali hotel room, I was rudely awakened by an early-morning call from the Bali Tourist Board. A shrill English woman said that I was invited to an official reception promoting Balinese tourism and that I should bring my wife.
"I'm travelling with a friend," I explained.
"Male or female?"
"Male."
"Is he your... erm... partner?"
"No. He's a fat lad in a football shirt."
February 20 2004
Paddy's Bar: #1 pick-up joint in Kuta, Bali
Indonesian girls at Paddy's Bar, Kuta
Paddy's Bar in Kuta is the biggest pick-up joint Bali so, naturally, we decided to call in. It's full of friendly Aussies and we found plenty of agreeable drinking buddies. Towards the end of the evening, a classy freelancer from Jakarta latched onto me. She claimed to be a respectable girl and offered to buy me a drink but her familiarity with the hooker contingent undermined her story.
I also got chatting to a blonde Aussie backpacker and it soon became clear that she wasn't shy. She told me that she took it up the arse and I thanked her for her candour. "What's the deal with her?" she asked, pointing at my new Indonesian friend. Without waiting for an answer, she grabbed the girl's arm and informed her that tonight I would be visiting the dark interior of the Australian bush.
Apparently, I had no say in the matter.
February 19 2004
My Bali gay slur #1
Last week, I visited Bali with a mate from home. Travelling without our girlfriends, we soon became the subject of gossip as we relaxed together by the hotel pool.
Most of the other guests were from Japan and it wasn't long before a couple of Japanese fellas introduced themselves. A lanky youth came mincing up to us and giggled like a child as he gave an effeminate wai. His fruity little sidekick flashed a girlish smile. We nodded back gravely. Clearly, the time had come to assert our heterosexuality.
Falling on his sword, my mate agreed to bring back the sluttiest tart in Bali that very evening. As we set off on our assignment, we were both struck by an intoxicating perfume in the hotel garden. Though not normally in the habit of discussing flowers, we were both curious to find out where the overpowering scent was coming from.
December 27 2003
T.V. Airbookings: My favourite Thai travel agent
In Thailand, finding a good travel agent is not easy. Shoddy offices, poor spoken English and unprofessional service are the norm. When you go back to collect the tickets, you have to pray that the shop is still there.
Last week, however, I visited The Emporium and discovered T.V. Airbookings on the 3rd floor. There, the English-speaking staff delivered a first-rate travel service. In case you are wondering, this is not an advert. The service really was exceptional.
With a fully computerised booking system, they suggested to me a range of options and prices. They even held a booking open while they put me on the waiting list for a cheaper flight. It didn't cost a penny. When I finally bought my ticket, they printed it out at once.
T.V. Airbookings also has a website at www.tv-air.com. It's poorly designed and you can't book online but at least you can find out the cost of locally purchased air tickets.
December 10 2003
Khao San Road drug sting ordeal
Everyone fears being fitted-up by the Thai police in a fake drug bust. This actually happened to Mango Sauce reader, Patrick. He befriended a Thai girl, Noi, on Ko Pha Ngan. Later, he bumped into her on Khao San Road and she lured him into a trap set by corrupt police officers. This is his story:
I got arrested in Bangkok and nearly ended up in the Bangkok Hilton. The reason I am writing this is that I read an article on your site about buying the police off with 15,000 baht - or if you are unlucky you might come across a straight police officer and then you are toast. (See Smile, you're in Thai jail).
I spent 5 months in Thailand from November until March 2002. I went to Ko Phi Phi, Chiang Mai and Kanchanaburi and then hit Ko Pha Ngan for the full moon party and New Years Eve. On Pha Ngan I met up with about 15 other backpackers from all walks of life. It was great until this Swedish lad said he could get some pills - E.
November 26 2003
Daytrip to Changi Airport, Singapore
Last week, I went to Singapore but never left the airport. A few hours later I was on my way back to Bangkok. The reason for this strange journey was to extend my Thai visa by 30 days. Following the recent hike in Thai visa fees, the free visa-on-arrival looks like a bargain. You don't have to endure embassy visits either - just walk straight through.
It was a pleasant day out. Changi Airport is Singapore's show-piece. With its gardens, restaurants, TV lounges, fitness centre, internet access and duty-free shopping, it's the next best thing to a holiday resort. There's even a swimming pool. If I'd had five hours to spare, I could have taken a 2-hour sightseeing tour of Singapore - absolutely free. There are five tours a day - 10am, 1pm, 3pm 4pm and 5pm. The booking counter opens at 8.30am.
The facilities at Changi Airport are first-rate and you don't have to fly business class to use them. Four hours in the Rainforest Lounge costs SGD 25 (£9/$13) and includes a shower, free finger food and soft drinks. Optional extras include taking a workout or getting a massage - but you can't combine the two, Bangkok-style.
October 10 2003
Buriram: Home of ladies who love farangs
Buriram buffalo
For me, a jungle shack full of biting insects and freeloaders is no holiday destination, so for years I made one feeble excuse after another to avoid visiting my Thai girlfriend's family home outside Buriram. However, a few months ago, I finally gave in and agreed to a day-trip. It was perfect timing as we would have the house to ourselves.
The night-train was fairly comfortable but the time did drag a bit. We stopped at every station and there was no food on sale. My girlfriend admitted that the Special Express would have been quicker. She said that it also had food and drink served by hostesses in short skirts - skirts so short, in fact, that gentlemen travellers are sometimes tempted to drop their cutlery in the aisle by accident. Needless to say, I took personal charge of booking the return leg.
Eight hours later, we stepped out into the surprisingly cold early-morning air. A bumpy motorcycle ride brought us to the house. It was still dark, so we lay down on a dusty mattress and tried to get some sleep. Fitful dreams about the ladies of the State Railway of Thailand gave way to the heat of the mid-morning sun radiating from the tin roof. A bird was fluttering somewhere in the darkness above. We pushed open the shutters to let the daylight in.
August 30 2003
Visa run to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Petronas Twin Towers, Kuala Lumpur
Voted one of the world's least friendly cities, Kuala Lumpur (KL) in Malaysia is not the most obvious place to get a visa. It has its supporters though, so last week I went there to see for myself.
The ideal visa run is quick, hassle-free and cheap. For me, this means air travel, taxis and half-decent hotels - but all at a bargain price. Readers who actually enjoy 24 hour bus rides and studying the lifecycle of the cockroach should look away now. My expenses are listed at the end.
KL may be unfriendly but it's no worse than London. It's seriously multicultural so westerners attract little attention here. In fact, going around unnoticed makes a pleasant change from the scrutiny you get in Bangkok - "mumble mumble farang mumble mumble farang etc..."
Best of all, KL is dirt-cheap. Hotels, taxis, food and almost everything else cost more or less the same as in Bangkok. The fake goods are even cheaper but, for now at least, the DVDs have vanished. I bought a quality TAG Heuer watch for RM100 ($26/£16). You don't see copies this good in Bangkok but I still wouldn't chance it in the shower. Sadly, there are no bargain electronics. Hong Kong it is not.
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
