May 14 2007
New species in Lao kebab inspires $1million prize
Identified for the very first time when served up to a hungry American naturalist on a skewer in 2005, a living specimen of the Laotian rock rat has now been photographed. Despite appearances, the creature - known locally as a kha-nyou - isn't a rat at all. Robert Timmins described his tasty new discovery as a "spineless porcupine."
At that stage, however, he'd never seen a live specimen so branding the enigmatic creature a coward might have been premature. For all we know, when ambushed by Laotian rice farmers brandishing sliced bell peppers and pineapple chunks, the bushy-tailed beast might have shown conspicuous bravery.
April 23 2007
Thai girls with guns
A Thai bargirl's handbag always contains surprises but you don't expect to find a 9mm semi-automatic pistol.
The scene is a Patpong beer bar and, with the obligatory bargirl perched on my lap, I'm enjoying a quiet drink with a chum. When the conversation turned to Seung-Hui Cho and the Virginia Tech shootings, our bouncy new friend dropped the bombshell that she too was packing.
April 18 2007
Conan's Thai restroom threesome
Many of us imagined that Conan's double-dunny exclusive would prove to be the last word on Thai toilet tomfoolery but the oversized Aussie actor has outdone himself once again.
Goldilocks and the three bears might approve of this unorthodox arrangement and it wouldn't look out of place at the Eden Club but why would anyone else want to play restroom piggy-in-the-middle?
April 5 2007
Mr T talks to Mango Sauce
MS: Your term as Thailand's PM was characterised by corruption and abuse of power...
Mr T: What you talkin' 'bout, fool!?! I don't remember none of that! You just a crazy man seein' things that ain't there.
MS: Subsequently, you've been accused of stirring up social divisions in the country.
Mr T: Trouble? I don't start no trouble. I mind my own business.
MS: But General Sonti has made specific allegations.
Mr T: The man's a pothead. He's high on smack, or speedballs, or something...
MS: The question of how you acquired your unusual wealth isn't going to go away.
Mr T: Better make sure nothin' happens to my gold.
January 16 2007
Koh Samui's alternative health spa
"Thank you for waiting. The doctor will piss on you now."
December 20 2006
Desperate for a dump in Isaan
Holding it in when visiting rural Isaan is desirable but not always possible. When you're practically touching cloth, even a squatter will do but imagine swinging open the cubicle door to reveal this...
Conan's baffling double-dunnie exclusive dominated last month's headlines but his latest scoop breaks new ground in Thai toilet-related misadventure. It's a case study in utter bewilderment and despair.
November 17 2006
Thaitanium's bathroom secrets exposed
When Conan swung open the door of a toilet cubicle at Bangkok's BEC Tero Hall on Wednesday night, he couldn't believe what he saw.
The twin dunnys was a definite WTF? moment. All I knew is I had to get a photo.
It's just wrong on so many levels...
November 8 2006
Thailand shamed by Thaksin toilet legacy
If you truly believe that women don't fart then you must hold them in very high regard. Similarly, Thailand's former Prime Minister Thaksin became seduced by the notion that foreign visitors never use the toilet. Although deeply flattered, we have to face up to the practical difficulties that this misunderstanding has created.
In order to maximise retailing space, notoriously few toilets have been provided in the gigantic new King Power shopping mall that masquerades as Suvarnabhumi Airport.
Pre-emptively laying cable at 36,000 feet isn't always possible, however, because many people - including my own girlfriend - are fearful of using aircraft toilets in the mistaken belief that their intestines will be violently ripped out through their ringpieces by an invisible force.
Obviously, she can't wait in line if the turtle's head is already poking out so King Power only have themselves to blame if she's forced to nip one off behind a stack of Toblerones.
October 28 2006
Thai teens get high on buffalo dung
The next time you're laying out a line of coke with your platinum card, spare a thought for those unfortunate Thai teens who can only get high by inhaling buffalo dung from a plastic bag.
Dung sniffing is particularly prevalent in Thailand's Muslim-dominated Deep South - where alcohol is frowned upon - but, with the legal drinking age being raised to twenty, this unglamorous practice could now spread nationwide.
The street value of buffalo crap is set to soar.
June 19 2006
Thai teens get 'skin-tight & sexy' (again)
"Every year they're warned and every year they disregard the warning" drools The Nation beside this fly-button straining file-photo.
Despite being adults, Thai university students are compelled to wear teen-style school uniforms and, girls being girls, the hottest chicks always adapt their outfits into eye-catching fetish gear.
In company like this, the Skytrain trip to work can certainly get the blood pumping and, trapped behind their desks by arousal, the kingdom's journalists have little better to do than invent flimsy pretexts to expose these "teen temptresses" (again).
March 6 2006
Funky PM Thaksin answers his critics
Thailand's Prime Minister Thaksin has the squarest head I’ve ever seen. When he finally gets kicked-out of office, he could earn a living impersonating Spongebob.
January 13 2006
Thai bird flu spread by cock-sucking
Man with big cock
Thai officials have confirmed that the deadly H5N1 bird flu virus can be transmitted to humans who engage in cock-sucking but the busy ladies of Patpong's infamous Star of Light Bar need not be unduly concerned. It's their fathers and brothers who are most at risk.
When the whiskey bottle is drained and your farang son-in-law won't give you the cash to go whoring, nothing relieves the tedium of upcountry life better than the compelling mix of animal cruelty and illegal gambling to be found at a cock fight.
It's a brutal contest and the rules are simple. The winner scoops the pot and the loser gets served up in one.
Most injuries sustained are to the head and neck and the feathered fighters are prone to choking on their own blood. To prevent asphyxiation bringing the bout to a premature end, trainers are permitted to clear the birds' throats - by sucking the goo into their own mouths.
July 17 2005
Marlboro man cruises Soi Cowboy
We ran into the Marlboro man in 7/11 on Wednesday night and invited him for a drink on Soi Cowboy. Despite his dodgy teeth, our diminutive new friend was a big hit with girls - but the cheeky twat didn't get a round in all night and he smoked like a bastard.
I didn't Photoshop this. It's a genuine Thai government heath warning. By law, all cigarette packets must now incorporate a range of gruesome photos - which include graphic images of diseased lungs and rotting teeth.
Another set of designs features miserable-looking Thai smokers with ghostly apparitions appearing in their smoke. Though baffling to Westerners, these images are intended to strike mortal fear into the hearts of superstitious upcountry simpletons.
July 10 2005
Steven Seagal duped by Indian tailor
Finally, you're up before the Board of Directors. You've practiced the presentation a thousand times and had a new suit made to measure - a white polyester safari job with a Nehru collar. That Indian bloke on Sukhumvit said it was perfect for a thrusting young executive - so why are your bosses laughing? Has someone farted?
In the foyer of the Nana Hotel is D&D Ladies and Gents Tailors. To British cops "D&D" means drunk and disorderly. Little else could explain the sheer awfulness of the clothes on offer. However, the worst shirt I've ever seen graces the window of another Indian tailor's shop in Pattaya.
This blue and orange two-tone statement of individuality incorporates the silhouette of a human face. It's quite unique and would certainly get a guy noticed but my Thai girlfriend was singularly unimpressed. "If you wear shirt like this I not walk with you. No way. I cannot" she explained.
Can you remember where you saw this eye-catching Mondrian-inspired leather jacket?
If this was Stickman, the first person to email me with the correct answer would win a tube of MyCream (the cream that allegedly sends your terak to heaven) but you'll get bugger all from me.
Customers aren't exactly queuing up to buy this stuff so most Indian tailors hire a tout to stand outside.
Thailand's most irritating touts can be found on the Pattaya seafront and a typical encounter goes something like this.
March 29 2005
Thai furniture: At home with the Caesars
Recreating the baronial grandeur of an historic Scottish hunting lodge in my small Bangkok apartment isn't going to be easy but, with the help of this handsome suit of armour from The Emporium's Royal Davinci, I could make the doubters eat their words - possibly from the flamboyantly glazed porcelain serving bowl you can see in the background.
The florid interior decor of the neo-classical suburban villas of Thailand's dodgy elite wouldn't look out of place in the Grand Salon of the Chateau de Versailles - or even a tart's boudoir - but don't ask how they made their money.
Anyone reckless enough to laugh openly at the heavy onyx telephone with eye-catching gilt details might be risking a surprise night time visit from burly ex-boxers sporting "bullet-proof" tattoos and a kilo of gold amulets.
August 22 2004
Marge Simpson spotted in Thailand
This young lady was performing classical Thai dance in our local park. She reminded me of someone...
August 16 2004
Thai food: Dancing shrimps & ant-egg soup
The Thai food on the menu in Farangland seem to suggest that the average Thai person lives on an unvarying diet of pad Thai goong, tom yam soup, and chicken green curry but nothing could be further from the truth.
Spicy Isaan food is my Thai girlfriend's favourite but not all Isaan restaurants are the same. A select few serve regional dishes guaranteed to have most westerners retching over a bucket. We dined at one of them last night and my girlfriend ordered the scariest dishes on the menu.
Dancing shrimps are eaten while they're still alive. They wriggle and jump even after you've put them in your mouth. You'd leap about too, if someone smothered you with a hot chilli dressing. The serving-bowl looked like a prison riot so we put a plate over the top to prevent the crazed inmates from scaling the wall.
Next up was ant-egg soup - with an extra portion of ant eggs on the side. Laid by common red ants, these large white eggs resemble grains of overcooked rice. If no one told you what they were, you'd probably be none the wiser.
We also ordered the ubiquitous som tam (See Painful pleasures: Thai chilli willy) and piles of sticky rice. It was all very tasty but I paid the price today.
August 9 2004
Silom Road tuk-tuk wheelie
Noisy, uncomfortable and downright dangerous, the infamous Bangkok tuk-tuk is the preferred ride of every first-time tourist. Inevitably, though, most soon grow tired of the driver's "Manches-ter U-nai-tet" mantra and his enthusiasm for jewellery-scams and overpriced massage parlours.
Comfortable air-conditioned taxis are cheaper and the majority of drivers are honest so why would anyone in their right mind choose to travel by tuk-tuk? Some jokers do, though, and this week I found out why.
Making my way down Silom Road one evening, I noticed two fat farang blokes in the back of a speeding tuk-tuk. They didn't look like tourists but my mild puzzlement quickly turned to astonishment as their vehicle launched into a spectacular wheelie.
The heavily-laden tuk-tuk lifted-off just outside the entrance to Patpong and touched down again in front of Robinson's department store - some 50 metres away.
Throughout the duration of their brief flight, the gleeful charioteers were cheering loudly and punching the air with their fists. It was a truly incredible stunt that had onlookers doubled up with laughter.
July 21 2004
Rare species, weapons & poontang ploughing
Conservationists will be dismayed to learn that the centrepiece of this macabre ensemble is a mummified epauletted bat. It doesn't appeal to me but the street stalls of Thailand are piled high with dubious souvenirs like this - so someone must be buying them.
A wide selection of weapons is also on sale. Many tourists spend their relaxing fortnight in the sun tooling-up with a selection of machetes, throwing stars, knuckle-dusters, flick-knives, swords, clubs, whips, paddles, darts, coshes and flails.
My weapon of choice would be the Taser. Disguised to look like a torch, it delivers an electrical jolt powerful enough to leave your victim twitching on the ground with a string of snot bubbling from each nostril. Notice how the vendor takes two steps backwards when he hands it to you.
It's incredible that this mental weaponry is on open sale almost everywhere in Thailand. The police do, however, crack down hard on the sale of sex toys - which are very difficult to obtain.
June 7 2004
Sexy Thai girls in uniform
Forget uniform night at The Cave (See The Cave: First fetish bar in Thailand). Sexy Thai tottie in uniform can be ogled practically everywhere in Bangkok. Most obvious are the university girls who are obliged to wear schoolgirl gear. To distinguish themselves from their younger sisters, the pretty ones often stretch the dress code to its limit.
Their white blouses are sprayed on and their black skirts are worn extra short ��� often with a split up the side. During term-time, crowded Skytrain carriages can sometimes resemble the upstairs dance floor at Soi Cowboy���s Baccara Bar. The mass transit system becomes a pervert���s paradise and Thai and farang men alike don���t know where to look (See College Lolitas arouse lustful hacks).
Thai hospitals can seriously raise your blood pressure. A visit to Bumrungrad is like stumbling into a 70s German porn flick ("Fick mein asche, Herr Doktor!"). The nurses are stunners and their spotless white uniforms are pure Benny Hill. The shapeless polyester smocks favoured by their western equivalents are reserved for the Mrs Mops who shovel shit in Bumrungrad Hospital���s toilets. The delightful Thai nurses look like they should work behind a cosmetics counter at Central Chidlom.
June 3 2004
Sang Som: More than you wanted to know
The whisky distilleries of our imagination feature dungaree-clad old timers practicing centuries-old methods involving pure spring water and oak barrels. Thailand's rum-like whisky of choice is, of course, Sang Som but, given that a full bottle costs the same as one beer in a go-go bar, I think we can safely assume that the production facility bears little resemblance to a Jack Daniels advert.
Any myth that it might was quite literally exploded last month when a powerful blast ripped through a chemical plant in Nakhon Pathom. A huge alcohol tank, measuring 60 metres high and 36 meters in diameter, exploded injuring three workers. It was one of 24 identical tanks in building No. 1 of a factory operated by Thai Alcohol Plc.
May 24 2004
Tinglish funnies #2: Nok Air
A Thai person will typically say "I no care" instead of "I don't care". Why then did no one notice the unfortunate connotations of the name chosen for Thai Airways' new budget airline, Nok Air? (See Nok Air selects crew on TV game show). The airline offers a no frills service but naming it "no care" is still quite a blunder.
The blame for this fuck-up would appear to rest with a company called Total Quality PR - Nok Air's appointed communications partner. The name alone sets alarm bells ringing. Anyone who has ever suffered a management seminar at the Telford Moat House will be aware that any consultant mouthing off about "Total Quality" is invariably a smarmy well-dressed opportunist with his head wedged up his own arse just as deep as his hand is buried in your employer's pocket.
The Managing Director of Total Quality PR is a bloke called Tom Van Blarcom and this is how he describes Nok Air and its customers.
Business Description: The first no frill airlines that offers passenger fun and friendly service starting from check-in while maintain superior safety standards.
Customer Base: They are those who love to travel, and looking for value deals.
Van Blarcom is a Dutch name but plenty of Americans share it. No Yank would stumble over his words like this, though, so it's odds on that Tom Van Blarcom is a canal-dwelling cloggie who puts mayonnaise on his chips and advocates the licensed recreational use of marijuana.
May 23 2004
Tinglish funnies #1: My favourites
Given that Ambassador City Jomtien in Pattaya is billed as the world's largest resort complex, you might imagine that that they'd get their glossy brochure proof-read by a native English speaker - but you'd be wrong. In their Premier Supper Club, you are invited to "relieve yourself in an ideal of karaoke and live music in bewitching time."
I don't want to dwell on the debauched scene that this conjures up but their dry-cleaning bill must read like a telephone number.
In Thailand, amusing examples of the misuse of written English can be found just about everywhere. I've yet to read a Thai/English menu that doesn't list at least one "hairy dog balls" type dish. Last week, I saw an ad for an electric shower that promised buyers the dubious pleasure of "a water heater in the backside."
Even multi-million dollar real estate developments get the treatment. The bizarrely named TIT Tower is hardly Bangkok's most desirable address. Off Silom Road we have PMT Mansion - an apartment building that I imagine to be full of frazzled English girls leaving a hot iron to burn through their favourite blouse as they retrieve spilled frozen peas from the floor.
For the benefit of American readers, I'll suggest to the owners that they change the name to PMS Mansion.
May 17 2004
Nok Air selects crew on TV game show
Passengers of the new Thai budget airline, Nok Air, will be thrilled to learn that the flight attendants entrusted to save their lives in a smoke-filled cabin will be selected on a TV game show called "Nok Hunt". Let's meet four of the hopefuls.
| Going by the unfortunate name of Supaporn, this young lady might be flashing more than a smile to keep passengers entertained. "I am confident that I can make the flight enjoying for everyone" she says - and I don't doubt it for a moment. |  |
| "I have a lively personality" says Pui but, with only 16 points to her credit, it seems that even her own family can't be bothered to vote for her. |  |
| "My father is an eagle and my mother is a sparrow. That is why I should be on Nok Air" says Jah. Her delusion suggests that she might also be prone to opening the cabin doors at 36,000 feet just for fun. |  |
| Bee is Whippet's favourite and he tells me that "she struggled in the jigsaw puzzle round, but her rendition of hit me baby one more time was worthy of something" - mirth, I expect. |  |
I'm not making any of this up. Nok Air really does exist (Nok means bird in Thai) and "Nok Hunt" goes out on Tuesdays at 10 pm on UBC 35. Here's a clip featuring our 20 would-be trolley-dollies facing their tough challenges in swimwear.
www.nokair.com/sharing/
entertrainment/mpg/nok_hunt.wmv (now removed unfortunately)
The best bit is actually the commentary. It's all in Thai but the final sentence goes like this - "Blah blah blah... blah blah blah... blah blah blah... Nok Hunt!"
Some of them don't have any tits either.
May 6 2004
In step with Thai music
Have you ever wanted to learn more about the soothing melodies that provide the soundtrack to late-night Bangkok taxi rides? Or do you prefer the tracks that periodically inject a bit of life into bored go-go dancers?
Both styles are just part of a rich tradition of Thai music that goes back generations. Mango Sauce reader, Seamus, brings these unique sounds to our farang ears at www.monsoon-country.org and now he explains why.
On a working trip to Thailand in 2000, I picked up a CD of traditional Thai music at a store in MBK. I had heard a street musician playing something that sounded familiar, almost Celtic, and I became interested in learning more about the folk music of this unusual country. However, when I listened to the CD at home, I was more than a little disappointed and I recall thinking that Thailand didn't have much of a musical tradition.
A couple of years later, I was watching a Vietnamese film and, again, heard that familiar sound and decided that I really should find out more about SE Asian music. John Clewley's chapters in the Rough Guide to World Music were a good source of information. John is a columnist at the Bangkok Post, where he writes a bi-weekly piece on world music and is a very knowledgeable chap indeed. But reading about music is like washing your feet with your socks on. I had to hear for myself what he had described so well.
Internet research turned out to be more difficult than I had imagined. Because of the alternate spellings used for Thai words, the search engines aren't always very useful. Of the three types of Thai country music, luk thung was easiest to find and a few aficionados in the West have put up websites. There's also a Bangkok radio station online. Next was mor lam, known in the West perhaps because of the excellent Isan Slete album recorded in London in 1989. But the music that intrigued me the most - and which turned out to be the prize I was looking for - was kantrum (gun-troom). According to Clewley, kantrum is "lower Isan's best kept secret". This must be true since hardly anyone I talked to, Thai or otherwise, had ever heard of it.
April 24 2004
Thai Prime Minister shows softer side
The bleary-eyed chap in the curious kilt & shawl combo is none other than Thailand's billionaire Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra. Toothbrush in hand, he's pictured here queuing up for the communal bathroom at an Udon Thani temple and, judging by the strained expression on his face, he's bursting for a piss too.
This week's photo-opportunity was staged to reveal the PM's humbler side. It might actually have worked had he not chosen to wear Fendi. It was a brave effort, though and I'm going to award him 7/10 for looking sweet and vulnerable. In fact, if I were a leading designer of ladies haute couture fashion, I'd have him washed and sent up to my room.
April 9 2004
Thai Airways genital mutilation horror
Could the Thai Airways in-flight magazine, Sawasdee, be advocating cannibalism? This delicacy, pictured on page 51 of the April issue, doesn't look like any Thai dish that I've ever eaten.
Indeed, I must say that I wouldn't want to sample it because, if I'm not mistaken, this smiling Thai Airways trolley-dolly is busy carving slices off the end of a black man's cock.
The accompanying article assures Thai Airways passengers that "All types of meat incorporated in flight meals have been through the Halal process" but this knowledge must be of scant comfort to the unfortunate donor.
Let's hope and pray that he elected to undergo gender realignment surgery and that Thai Airways was merely serving up the leftovers.
April 2 2004
Thai girls disfigured by nose-job obsession
Today, I noticed a Thai girl whose face was covered by a huge sticking-plaster. If she wasn't a paranoid celebrity, then she was one of the ever-growing number of Thai girls opting to put their noses under the knife.
Nose-jobs are popular everywhere but, in Thailand, they're an obsession. Not only are Thai girls made to feel ashamed of their gorgeous brown skin (See Thai skin whitening model is a fraud). Their cute bridgeless noses are also deemed ugly and inadequate. For reasons I don't understand, Thai men prefer their girlfriends to be counterfeit farangs.
March 19 2004
Mr Ben's law office
At the mouth of Soi Zero stands Mr Ben's law office. Though no bigger than a phone box, its sign-boards could rig a sailing ship. Mr Ben is a self-styled lawyer, private detective and translator. Look closely and you'll notice that he sells Wall's ice-cream too. Unlike other lawyers, Mr Ben can guarantee the outcome of your case - because he also claims to be a fortune teller.
March 15 2004
Thai skin-whitening model is a fraud
In Thailand, no commercial break is complete without a gormless model applying a blob of skin-whitening cream to her porcelain cheeks. It's all bollocks of course and the gullible women who buy it would be better off using a sunscreen. Some are left permanently scarred by the caustic ingredients in the more dubious brands. My girlfriend's mum is one of them.
Angelina Jolie aside, I'm not particularly interested in women who share the same ghostly pallor as me. Like many farang men, I love brown skin and my Thai girlfriend fits the bill perfectly.
Unlike her, many Thai women hate their dark skin and wear it like a badge of shame. Given the choice between a brown-skinned babe and a white skinned pig, Thai men will choose the pig every time. Little wonder then that the skin-whitening business is Thailand's favourite quackery.
March 13 2004
Thai whore phone pests
Thai phone pests usually ring off before you can answer. The cheeky fuckers expect you to call them back at your own expense. These calls are the cellphone equivalent of spam. As with junk emails, they invariably come from dubious individuals who don't deserve a reply.
Thai whores are the main culprits. When business is slow, they work through the phonebooks of their expensive Nokia handsets. The technique is usually employed by whores of the clingy pain-in-the-ass variety. If they were more likeable, the fellas would be calling them.
March 4 2004
Thai rabbit in the moon
Your date will always feel romantic when you look up at the night sky together. If only you could think of something appropriate to say, her knickers would be down in a flash. Now, help is at hand. In the northern hemisphere we can see the face of a man in the full moon. Near the equator, however, the moon appears to be tilted 90 or so degrees. According to Thai folklore it contains not a man but a rabbit.
Can you see it?
February 13 2004
Enduring live music in Thailand
In Thailand, live music is played almost everywhere but, when the band comes on, most farangs drink up and leave. Cliched cover-versions tunelessly performed at terrorist volume can transform any evening into a painful ordeal.
Inexplicably, the Thais love this loud amateurish trash and can't see the problem. If a venue is Thai-owned, it will invariably stage dreadful live music - even when the clientele is farang. When the band comes on and the farang customers leave, the Thai owners are always baffled. Those farangs who stay are only doing so to indulge their Thai girlfriends - or are trying to find one.
January 25 2004
Ronald Macdonald goes native in Thailand
Ronald Macdonald gives me the creeps. My mother used to warn me about strange men who dress up in colourful clothes and hang around children's playgrounds.
Today, I spotted the red-haired freak lurking outside Macdonald's in Siam Square. He was giving customers the traditional Thai gesture of greeting known as the wai. Naturally, I gave him the traditional farang gesture of hostility known as the finger.
January 21 2004
Tinglish humiliation for E-Commerce Magazine
Thailand's prestigious E-Commerce Magazine has made a humiliating Tinglish blunder on its January front cover. Can you spot it?
They really have no excuse. Even Thai bar girls can spell cancel. Like clear and enter, it appears on the keypad of every ATM in Thailand. Thais love their ATM's and most spend their whole lives looking for a walking one. Needless to say, I'm going to cancle my subscription.
January 10 2004
Best job in Thailand: Inactive posts
Years ago, when I worked in corporate hell, I used to dream about becoming the company bum - a highly paid executive with few responsibilities.
As company bum, I could arrive mid-morning and spend the first hour of the business day distracting my co-workers with risquÔø? anecdotes before sloping off to an early lunch. Staggering back mid-afternoon, I could give my secretary (Lena Li) a good scuttling across the boardroom table before crashing out in the first-aid room. Naturally, I would be out of the door at 4.59pm precisely.
Through nearly 30 years of dedicated incompetence, one of my senior colleagues came pretty close to achieving company bum status but, sadly, this kind of success always eluded me.
Had I been born in Thailand, things might have been different. Here, tens of thousands of bureaucrats, cops and soldiers are routinely transferred to inactive posts - where they don't do any work but retain their pay and perks. Thailand is company bum utopia but how do the jammy bastards pull it off?
January 6 2004
Are Thais the world's worst drivers?
Last month, I put my life in the hands of Bangkok's sleepiest taxi driver. The dozy twat had to be prodded awake every 30 seconds. Fortunately, I was sitting up front and could assist him with the controls when necessary. Our journey ended dramatically on Sukhumvit Soi 12, when we hit another vehicle. As is the tradition in Thailand, we all fled the scene.
Carnage on the roads is taken for granted here. Every public holiday brings a death toll not seen in Europe since World War I. On New Year's Eve, 4,110 road accidents left 148 people dead and 5,333 injured.
The Prime Minister blames the police and I agree with him. They could hardly make things any worse if they pulled out their pistols and took pot-shots at passing motorists. Enforcement of traffic law is practically non-existent. The risk of having to slip 200 baht to a smiling officer hardly counts as a deterrent.
January 3 2004
Thai dogs eat shit
Bangkok's stray dogs crap all over the place but you never see the results. Where has the mountain of missing poop gone? Yesterday, my Thai girlfriend explained the shocking truth - Thai dogs eat shit.
If they knew about this, our pampered western pooches would choke on their beef stew and biscuits. In Thailand, however, the dogs aren't so fussy. For them, another dog's steaming offering is an appetizing free lunch. Only one thing tempts them more - human excrement. It's so much tastier than dog dirt that they go crazy for it.
Lacking a toilet in her own home, a fellow pupil at my girlfriend's Buriram primary school used to lay her logs in the forest. She also had a pet dog. Each day, as she set off for the trees, her canine companion would be hard on her heels. Her turds would barely touch the ground before he gobbled them up. Toilet paper was quite unnecessary. For dessert, he would clean her up with his rasping tongue.
December 26 2003
Sit & smile: Thai toilet habits
Foreign toilet nightmares are the stuff of legend. Have you ever fallen backwards into a stinking pile of human waste whilst trying to take a dump in a squat toilet? If so, the chances are that it wasn't in Thailand.
The Thais see their bathrooms as places of pleasurable relaxation. Sit & smile is a popular brand of toilet paper. The name captures the quiet enjoyment felt by your average Thai when taking a crap. It isn't just a state of mind. The Thais are great toilet innovators. In fact, the average Thai bathroom puts its Western equivalent to shame.
Here, as in most of Asia, you can splash around as much as you like and the water simply drains away through a grate in the floor - even in apartments. Try this in the West and you'll soon be in trouble with the neighbours. What's the point of a bathroom that isn't waterproof? It's as daft as building a nuclear power plant on a volcano. In Britain, we even carpet the floor - right underneath where men stand up to pee.
December 8 2003
Cheap mobile phone calls in Thailand
Visitors to Thailand can avoid cellphone rip-offs by bringing their own handset and slotting-in a local SIM card. International roaming might be convenient but the price is a total piss-take.
Thailand's most popular pay-as-you-go service is provided by AIS. Their 1-2-Call SIM costs 350 baht (£6/$9) and includes 100 baht of free calls. Calls within Thailand are just 5 baht per minute - saving you around 80%. If you want to fool around with the local girls, this could be important. The folks back home can reach you with an international calling card. This is cheap for them and free for you.
MBK (Mah Boon Khrong), close to Siam Square, is the best place to buy a SIM card but make sure you try before you buy. For a variety of reasons, they don't always work. If you own a compatible handset but your phone company has nobbled the thing, MBK is a good place to get it unlocked.
If the SIM doesn't work but you want to make a lot of calls, you could buy a brand new Nokia 3100 complete with 1-2-Call SIM for less than 3,000 baht (£50/$75) at MBK. Second-hand models are cheaper but the batteries are often duds. Later, you could sell the handset back to the same shop.
November 17 2003
Cockroaches, ants and termites
The daddy of all cockroaches
Yesterday, I crunched the daddy of all cockroaches in my bedroom. Seen here, he measures over 100mm. With company like this, it makes sense to sleep with your mouth shut. Whether penthouse or flophouse, you're never alone in your Thai apartment.
Termites are shy insects that prefer to hide in furniture. Last year, my bed collapsed. Sadly, this was not due to my legendary sexual prowess but to the appetite of my hungry termite chums. They had turned the frame into a weak latticework of chambers. Though not normally harmful to man, my Thai girlfriend reckons that a termite in the ear is a serious and painful business.
Tiny black ants complete our trio of mandatory house guests. They don't cause much trouble but, if you rub them up the wrong way, they do bite. Given that their natural habitat is the bathroom, a quick spray from the shower head is usually enough to show them who's boss.
All three are impossible to eradicate but, in a well-managed apartment building, monthly spraying will keep them under control. If, like me, your girlfriend comes from Isaan, take care to remove the resulting corpses before she serves them up as dinner.
November 14 2003
Pantip Plaza: Microsoft Office for $3
By picking up some pirate software, the unscrupulous computer boffin could enjoy a free holiday in Thailand. Let's look at a dream software setup and get it priced:
| Software | US Price | Thai Price |
|---|---|---|
| Microsoft Office Pro | $499 | $3 |
| Adobe Creative Suite | $1,229 | $3 |
| Macromedia Studio | $999 | $3 |
| Norton Systemworks | $100 | $3 |
| Total | $2,827 | $12 |
Our misbehaving tech-head could save himself $2,815. That would pay for a lot of fun in the sun. Obviously, we all feel sympathy for the billionaire victims of this perfect crime but read on to discover how the perpetrators get away with it.
October 27 2003
Street fighting Thai-style
Back in the UK, Saturday-night street brawling is harmless entertainment. Egged on by their screeching girlfriends, excitable larger-lads often enjoy trading punches. If things get too serious, there are always mates around to separate them. It's just like Fight Club, except you can talk about it. Tomorrow they will be buddies again.
Thais take their fights rather more seriously. For them, it's all about winning - not just the taking part. Thai men rarely have spontaneous one-on-one punch-ups. They prefer to return later with a gang of mates when their victim is alone. Not wishing to leave anything to chance, they usually bring weapons too. The results are sometimes fatal.
It doesn't take much to spark a deadly attack. My Thai girlfriend's uncle used to sell music tapes from a street stall. Unfortunately, a local tough-guy started "borrowing" tapes without paying. Eventually the uncle asked him to stop. His response was to come back with a bunch of cronies armed with wooden staves. They beat him until they thought he was dead. Fortunately, he survived but was left disabled. The police didn't want to know because the attacker's family was well connected. Worryingly, this type of incident is not rare.
October 25 2003
Brand-name clothes at pocket-change prices in Thailand
Blofeld visits Indian tailor
When the arse of your suit looks like polished steel, you know the time has come for a fashion makeover. Back in Farangland, this would have meant some serious credit card abuse. Not so here. One of Thailand's best-kept secrets is brand-name clothes at pocket-change prices.
Don't waste time picking through the copied rubbish on the street stalls. It's total shite. After one wash, strangers will be dropping coins into your Starbucks cup. The same applies to the made-to-measure suits from those Indian fellas. You'll end up looking like a Bond villain - but not in a nice way.
The real bargains are in the department stores. Famous-name fashion houses run concessions in places like Robinsons, Central, Tokyu and The Emporium. Here, you can find quality gear priced about 60% less than in the West. There are often promotions too.
October 21 2003
Growing old disgracefully in Thailand
Have you ever wondered why you rarely see Thai women between the ages of 30 and 40? They haven't been abducted. The bizarre truth is that at 30, they age 10 years almost overnight.
For me, a classy 30-something Sex and the City girl is the one to watch out for. Youngsters just can't compete. In the hope that one day she might complete a sentence, a guy could spend years with a vacuous disco babe. One morning, he will wake up next to an overweight stranger who smells of wee. She still can't complete the sentence but this time it's down to Alzheimer's disease.
Thai women in their late twenties can often be mistaken for teenagers. It comes as a shock to see how badly they age after that. Perhaps Asian skin is to blame. It is very soft and scars easily. Every zit leaves an indelible mark. In later life, wrinkles that would be invisible on western or African skin are highlighted by uneven pigmentation. As well as being susceptible to the effects of the sun, Thai women often make matters worse by using skin whitening creams with corrosive ingredients.
September 23 2003
Road racing Thai-style
Daddy's Benz burning up Chaeng Wattana Road
Looking more like a prestige car dealership than an impromptu race track, Chaeng Wattana Road in Nonthaburi is the Saturday night playground of Bangkok's over-privileged teenaged street racers.
None of them are petrol-heads and there isn't a serious racing machine in sight. It's more about showing-off expensive German metal. As he sleeps, Daddy is probably unaware that his Benz is chewing up a 3km straight at speeds of up to 170mph. Mummy may wonder why her BMW needs a new set of tyres after only 100 miles.
Competitors are typically aged between 15 and 20 and races take the form of duels. Prizes include cash, drugs and sex with the loser's girlfriend. The girls don't mind. Money makes them horny and these charismatic rich kids get through enough muff to knit a sweater.
Thailand's not-so-elite have their own version. These cash-strapped wannabes race their stupid mopeds but first they drill a hole in the exhaust to make it sound more irritating. The effect is not so much throaty roar as angry wasp. The winner probably gets a gulp of Chang beer and a hand-job off the loser's mum.
September 15 2003
Smile, you're in Thai jail
Thai jail: Not much to smile about
After a busy day sidestepping sadistic guards, bullying their fellow prisoners and taking turns to lie down in grossly overcrowded cells, many inmates of Thailand's notorious jails choose to relax with a drug fix and a satisfying bum-rape.
Last week, prison tours where laid on so that misbehaving vocational students could see for themselves just how awful the conditions are in Thai jails. On being shown the toilets, many pledged to change their ways.
The food isn't very nice either. In his book The Damage Done, Aussie ex-prisoner Warren Fellows explains that the food was so bad that many prisoners preferred to feed it to the swarming cockroaches - and then eat the cockroaches. A handful of the smelly insects ground up in a cup were the nearest thing they had to a tasty, nutritious snack.
September 9 2003
Why do Thais tell lies?
Petchburi Road massage parlour
When massage magnate Chuwit Kamolvisit made his unprecidented disclosures about police corruption and paid sex in high places, he shocked many ordinary Thais and broke an unwritten code of conduct.
Polite Thai society advocates wholesome family life, religious observance and refined etiquette. However, it also turns a blind eye to lovers, hookers, corruption and gambling. It is the element of deniability that reconciles these opposing values. The CIA applied the same logic to its conduct in the Iran-Contra affair. As they discovered, the strategy only works when scrutiny is lax and everyone keeps their mouth shut.
The gigantic massage parlours that dominate Bangkok's skyline are ostensibly just somewhere to relax and get cleaned up. Tired plutocrats in need of relief don't have to skulk in. The chauffeur drops them off in broad daylight and parks the limo out front. This "I just dance, I not go with customer" mentality draws a veil over a multitude of everyday sins.
Previously
June 2007
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