May 1 2004

The land of vertical smiles

Let's silence once and for all the nudge-nudge wink-wink whispers about the differences between Thai and farang naughty bits. The male angle has already been examined (See Thai lust for farang monster-cock) so, today, we explore the female aspects.

In my open letter to Tata Young (See Tata Young: An apology), I laid down my non-negotiable conditions for performing oral sex on her.

Your naughty bits must be inherited from your Thai mother and not from your farang father. I dimly remember the days when chopped liver was the only dish on the menu but I now prefer to nibble on a cute little mouse's ear.

My choice of words appears to have caused some confusion and Mango Sauce reader, Rita, called for a clarification.

David - Please elaborate on your TG-versus-farang "equipment" metaphors: e.g., "mouse's ear" as compared to "chopped liver". Are you suggesting that not even small 14 - 20 year old farang girls possess "mouse ears"? Or that no Thai women, even after a certain age, evidence some "chopped liver" of their own? If so, this is a very compelling intercultural comparative anatomy lesson. Not to mention the fact that western women, in general, are larger everywhere than many of their Asian counterparts (& we experience "traffic" of a much larger size, which takes its toll;-)) I could be on the wrong track here... what exactly are you talking about... please enlighten us - Rita.

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When Rita first asked the question, I flippantly told her to conduct a little research of her own on the top shelf of any newsagent. On reflection, though, expecting her to browse through copies of both "Asian Babes" and "Razzle" in a busy public place was a bit unfair. It was a sensible question and it deserves a sensible answer.

The intimate configuration of Asian women is the subject of much myth and legend. A gullible mate of mine genuinely believed that Thai women had little upside-down minges - with the clit at the wrong end. It's lucky that he never visited Thailand because his clumsy attempts to pleasure the local girls might have led to some unfortunate misunderstandings.

In the interests of science, I asked my Thai girlfriend to consent to a detailed physical examination. I'm a stickler for thoroughness in these matters so it turned out to be quite a lengthy and exhausting process.

Known locally as her "oyster", a Thai woman's lady-bits are considerably tidier than the farang equivalent and are very neatly packaged too. The surrounding foliage is also less dense. "Mouse's ear" sums things up pretty well.

Some farang girls are reasonably tidy "down there" but an unfortunate minority are cursed with big sweaty divots (a divot being a sod of turf thrown up by a horse's hoof or the swing of a golf club). These women often tend to be heifers, though, so it's normally only the "aim low and achieve" mob who have to face up to the "chopped liver" issue. Naturally, we all feel sorry for these girls but any expectation that they might receive oral sex is, of course, quite absurd - as any jockey will testify.

[Posted to Sex by David]

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Readers' comments

John U says:

Sorry Steph,

But here I am posting the first response to this story, and proving myself wrong !!!

But even you must laugh at this one. In my opinion, one of David's best.

Mind you, I'm laughing at everything this morning. That wine last night was good. I'll have to try that again to see if it gives me this kind of giggly hangover.

David, my mates would have tried hard to get your gullible friend to visit LOS. They may even have chipped in for his air fare just to have a good laugh when he explained how he licked her arse thinking that was where the clit was positioned.

The fuckers try hard with any newby visitor to get him to go with a lady boy and laugh like fuck after. They are real bastards. (smiley) Not me, I wouldn't do such a dastardly thing.

May 1, 2004 3:12 PM

Errant says:

Another well-known misperception, one still heard when adolescent Caucasians gather for information exchange, has to do with the Asian standing pout being not at all in a standing position but rather in a lying position, that is, horizontal. The myth took hold after World War II. For obscure reasons, many who came back after service in Asia returned as accomplished harmonica players, hence the misperception.

Rita, if you hear this inanity don't give it a thought.

May 1, 2004 6:10 PM

Rita says:

Marvelously entertaining & enlightening, as always...David: why have you not authored/published a humorous intercultural look at the differences in dating, marrying, & shagging Eastern vs Western women from a Western man's perspective?

Your writing style/wit would ensure its position on the Best Sellers' List, no?

If not you, then whom?

May 5, 2004 6:29 AM

aimi says:

sorry rita david is right, we are tighter

April 30, 2006 6:35 AM

Sam from Buriram says:

I would have expected more responses to this considering the braggadocio amongst the farang men on this site-you know, detailed descriptions of the naughty bits of the thousands of TG shagged in LOS.I must concur with the original conclusion, I married a Cambodian in the states and was amazed at the superior functionality of said nether region. I have since divorced, been to Thailand and upgraded even more still. Remarkable piece of biological developement there, and no 2 just a like!

February 26, 2007 7:23 PM

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