September 8 2003

Hughie Green talks about cock rot

Hughie Green: Prolific swordsman

Showman Hughie Green was the most prolific swordsman of his day and fathered enough illegitimate children (including dead pop-tart Paula Yates) to fill a medium sized industrial town.

With all that bareback bonking, it stands to reason that he must have known his way around the inside of a clap clinic. Although dead for some years now, Hughie has agreed to answer my questions about coping with a sticky beak in the Kingdom of Thailand. He is assisted, as ever, by his trusty clapometer.

David: Welcome to Mango Sauce Hughie. Tell us about syphilis.

Hughie: This disease was a personal favourite of mine back in the days when I hosted the piss-poor talent contest Opportunity Knocks on ITV but you seldom see it now - just like my show. It exhibits a diverse range of symptoms, culminating in madness and death. Once diagnosed, however, it is easily cured. Clapometer score 15.

David: Pubic lice are an occupational hazard for any man about town in Bangkok. How should we avoid them?

Hughie: If your date is scratching her minge like a reanimated corpse on a coffin lid then take a look for the tell-tale eggs and blood spots. A condom is no barrier to these microscopic muff-munchers but they are easily eradicated using crab lotion. I launched the careers of celebrities like Bobby Crush, Bernie Flint and Pam Ayres so I always kept a bottle handy in case they needed it. Clapometer score 5.

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David: Chlamydia often has no symptoms but it can cause serious health problems if left untreated - particularly for women. What would your approach be?

Hughie: At my funeral in May 1997, it emerged that I had been a total bastard to women all my life. However, I would still get the disease treated. It can make them infertile and so would interfere with my mission to place a bastard child in every UK home. All you need is a course of pills from the clap quack. Clapometer score 10.

David: Genital warts are common in Thailand. Are they preventable?

Hughie: Only last week I was explaining to my former boss at ATV, the late Lord Grade, that the likelihood of ending up with a warty sausage is reduced but not completely eliminated by condom usage. They can be frozen, zapped with a laser or burnt off using chemicals but, like tired game show formats, they will probably be back next year. Clapometer score 25.

David: Genital herpes is another recurring condition that can sometimes sneak past a condom. How would you regard it?

Hughie: As a present you give a girl so she remembers you for the rest of her life. But seriously, it's more unsightly than life-threatening but can cause great distress to sufferers fearful that partners will reject them. Personally, I never gave a toss about what any of my women thought. Suppressive drugs are available. Clapometer score 25.

David: Tell us about gonorrhoea

Hughie: In the days when I was a child actor in various long-forgotten stage productions, contracting this disease meant a lifetime pissing hedgehogs through broken glass. It can be cured now, but some strains are a bit stubborn. Clapometer score 20.

David: Though almost unknown in your day, HIV/AIDS has become the scourge of Sub-Saharan Africa and many parts of Asia - including Thailand. How can we protect ourselves?

Hughie: Even though new treatments have become available, a cure remains elusive and the high cost of the pills could be better spent resurrecting a mediocre light-entertainment show. Use a condom and avoid tattoo parlours. Blood transfusions in Thailand are considered safe. Clapometer score 100.

David: Do you have any final thoughts to share with us?

Hughie: Treat this as posthumous fatherly advice from a man who sowed more seed than Massey Ferguson. After all, I am your real dad.

[Posted to Sex by David]

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