April 16 2007
Fat divorcee's Kenyan sex-safari
Fat Western women are divorcing their husbands and using the cash to buy Kenyan sex-safaris - according to Omwa Ombara of The East African Standard.
Excited women, some as big as baby elephants have been arriving in Mombasa in droves - their pockets laden with alimony.
They've been arriving in such large numbers that the taxi rank outside Mombassa Airport now serves the same purpose as the goldfish bowl in a Bangkok massage parlour.
March 28 2007
Boom boom now or your testicles fry
Like many modern couples, Chiang Mai's platonic pandas, Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui, are struggling to put the desire back into domesticity. Hectic days spent climbing trees and eating bamboo are leaving them too tired for steamy nights of passion.
Just over a year ago, the pandas were "married" in a service conducted by zoo officials. In hindsight, this was probably a mistake because, for most creatures, sex after marriage is about as likely as life after death.
December 29 2006
Blowjob row hits Bangkok Airport
Angry whoremongers have slammed the bosses of Bangkok's new Suvarnabhumi Airport for ignoring the plight of weary travellers who want to get blown-off as they wait for connecting flights.
Up the escalator from KFC, the legendary hair salon at the old Don Muang Airport used to pamper its patrons with a range of services that were seldom available in the Thai Royal Orchid Lounge. Sometimes, this even included a haircut.
My informant discovered this by accident when a pretty stylist brushed some hair from his lap in a highly suggestive manner.
December 8 2006
Chiang Mai's porn-loving pandas
Chiang Mai's impotent pandas, Lin Hui and her partner Chuang Chuang, are reportedly using porn films to spice up their non-existent love life.
The story has appeared in countless foreign newspapers but, quite frankly, it's full of holes. If the not-so-amorous duo weren't already behind bars they could find themselves in a spot of bother because hardcore porn is illegal in Thailand.
I've been trying to puzzle out the implications.
Perhaps Chiang Mai Zoo should commission the late Russ Meyer to shoot a nudie-cutie flick about busty pandas playing beach volleyball. I've no idea how many tits they have but the sight of them all bouncing up and down must be quite impressive.
November 4 2006
Teens violated by female sexual predators
While normal teenage boys are preoccupied by pornography, automatic weapons and low self-esteem issues, those lucky enough to live in Thailand have the opportunity to get involved with women.
Considering that even the most jaded middle-aged swordsman can be flipped into lovesick fool mode by his first encounter with a Thai woman, naive adolescents with raging hormones can get out of their depth all too quickly.
Last year, I ran into one of the young casualties at Bangkok's Bumrungrad Hospital.
August 15 2006
Japanese tentacle sex
Japanese tentacle sex was probably the last thing on this young lady's mind when she ordered the calamari salad but they only had octopus and she looks reluctant to send this amorous duo back to the kitchen.
Hokusai's The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife is the first known depiction of the now wildly popular Japanese tentacle sex phenomenon. It dates back to 1820 - long before the invention of bikini wax.
Even for Japanese fishermen's wives, the salacious cephalopods of Japanese tentacle sex exist only in hentai. You wouldn't want a Humboldt Squid anywhere near your private parts because, instead of offering you a friendly gobble, it would, given half the chance, bite off an orange-sized chunk of flesh.
July 4 2006
Bukkake phone-sex hits Bangkok
This goo-splattered Thai girl is purportedly overcome by emotion as she enjoys her free airtime but the subtext is obvious. Bangkok is amazingly graffiti-free but, if this poster went up in London, a crudely-drawn cock 'n balls would appear within minutes.
June 26 2006
Thai hot herb balls massage
Serving suggestion
"HOT HERB BALLS MASSAGE" is on the menu at most Thai massage parlours but the offer is actually quite ambiguous. The likelihood of a "happy ending" depends on how you interpret the grammar.
"Hot herb-balls massage" implies that you���ll be rubbed-down with a hot ball of herbs but shifting the hyphen produces a much more tempting offer:
Hot herb balls-massage!
Obviously, we need to know what���s really going on so today our Mango Sauce Nightlife Correspondent investigates.
January 16 2006
Thai go-go dancers with a lot of clout
Tourist checks giant clam for barnacles
In my home town in the North of England, a woman's genital region is sometimes referred to as her clout. During a lazy Sunday morning lie-in, a man might coo affectionately in his wife's ear "Pull your fingers out of your clout, Love, and make us a nice cup of tea."
Many of my chums from home enjoy visiting me in Bangkok and I always show them the places of interest. The place that interests them the most is often the place where a go-go dancer's legs protrude from her body.
One night, a rather unusual girl caught our eye. While the other dancers had either a neat little wisp or a cute shaven haven, this young lady was sporting a big hairy minge that would have done a farang girl proud. We couldn't resist having a giggle at her expense - which didn't go unnoticed - and, sure enough, five minutes later she plonked herself down on my lap.
Before I could shoo her away, the hairy little minx managed to win me over with an engaging combination of wit, cheekiness and charm that was a million miles away from the usual "what your name where you come from buy me cola pay bar" nonsense and, two years later, I'm still enjoying her company quite regularly.
Sadly, the relationship will never go further than sharing a few drinks and bouncing her on my knee. Quite apart from the fact that I'm already spoken for, I'd never live it down if I ended up dating the woman known to my friends as "The One with the Big Clout."
January 2 2006
Babi Mild goes bukkake wild
To the casual farang onlooker, this smiling Thai model appears to be enjoying the sticky residue of two hundred Japanese blokes queuing up in their underpants but it is, in fact, a genuine Thai advert for Babi Mild skin care products.
When I spotted it in Oops! Magazine - a fashion and lifestyle weekly aimed at young Thai women - I couldn't help thinking about something else periodically aimed at young Thai women. Apologies for the poor quality of the photo - my hands must have been shaking.
May 26 2004
Korat "gote" girl will shit on your table
If you want a Korat girl to blow your dog and shit on your glass-topped coffee table just add your genuine email address to a Mango Sauce comment. John U did and this is the email she sent him.
Hi.
I am lady from Korat and i reed you're mango leter. I think you dont know thai lady very well. I am good lady and i go to school for long time but i still like sex very much. You can come in my mouth if you want and even piss on me. Before man pay me to much for me have a shit on tabel of glass and he can look up. I dont think many western lady would do same as me. i will do everything, even with dog or gote if you want.
Next time you go thailand you can have piss on lady. i think in western world you can't do this. if you want to see me you can email me if you want. maybe i can shit on tabel for you??
Noy.
I don't believe for one moment that John U is the only reader to get this email. Has anyone been in touch with Noy? Did the maid have to hose-down your apartment afterwards? Come on, fellas - own up.
May 19 2004
Bar girl bum-love in Thailand
What could justify inflicting anal sex on a hard-working Thai hooker? Taking phone calls during lovemaking, perhaps. Recently, this happened to a mate of mine. The caller was, of course, another farang fella checking up on his "girlfriend".
While the yo-yo knickered slapper was reassuring the guy that he was the only man in her life, the sex session continued uninterrupted - but with rather less creativity on her part.
After listening to her "love you too much" shite for a full 15 minutes, my mate's patience finally ran out. When he slipped it up the wrong'un, she flashed him a look like a bulldog chewing a wasp but, incredibly, her sweet-talking voice didn't even waver.
May 1 2004
The land of vertical smiles
Let's silence once and for all the nudge-nudge wink-wink whispers about the differences between Thai and farang naughty bits. The male angle has already been examined (See Thai lust for farang monster-cock) so, today, we explore the female aspects.
In my open letter to Tata Young (See Tata Young: An apology), I laid down my non-negotiable conditions for performing oral sex on her.
Your naughty bits must be inherited from your Thai mother and not from your farang father. I dimly remember the days when chopped liver was the only dish on the menu but I now prefer to nibble on a cute little mouse's ear.
My choice of words appears to have caused some confusion and Mango Sauce reader, Rita, called for a clarification.
David - Please elaborate on your TG-versus-farang "equipment" metaphors: e.g., "mouse's ear" as compared to "chopped liver". Are you suggesting that not even small 14 - 20 year old farang girls possess "mouse ears"? Or that no Thai women, even after a certain age, evidence some "chopped liver" of their own? If so, this is a very compelling intercultural comparative anatomy lesson. Not to mention the fact that western women, in general, are larger everywhere than many of their Asian counterparts (& we experience "traffic" of a much larger size, which takes its toll;-)) I could be on the wrong track here... what exactly are you talking about... please enlighten us - Rita.
April 27 2004
Thai lust for farang monster-cock
It was the office Christmas party and my mate missed the finance director's call for hush. As the noisy crowd fell silent, his final sentence echoed across the room "I'm no oil painting but I've got a big cock and I know how to use it." Though initially they caused consternation, his words soon become part of company folklore and his popularity soared.
Thai bar girls go through a similar change of attitude. At first, they fear our mighty brontosaurus necks but soon, as mouse's ear evolves inexorably into clown's pocket, their overstretched minges tingle with an uncontrollable craving for farang monster-cock - a ravenous hunger that local man-meat is unable to satisfy.
April 22 2004
The erotic appeal of Thai housework
I love watching women do housework. I always have but it's only since I moved to Thailand that I've been able to indulge my harmless little fetish. The unsung hero of all this is my Thai girlfriend - whose mind is completely untroubled by the fashionable notions of contemporary gender politics.
When her interminable soap operas and quiz shows are briefly interrupted by the news, she enjoys nothing better than to whiz around the house with a broom. It's a wonderful sight and all the more pleasing because I'm not expected to help.
March 30 2004
Motivational art on Soi Cowboy
As they admire themselves in the mirror, Soi Cowboy go-go dancers at the Dollhouse can also feast their eyes on this motivational artwork. Lovingly crafted from sturdy polystyrene, you'll never see this masterpiece hung in the Louvre but it's a damn sight better than the shite they put in the Guggenheim.
March 17 2004
Thai blowjob bar stomach-pump horror
Marc Almond dismisses claims
Working in a Thai blowjob bar has to be the World's most demeaning occupation. Who would want to spend their working day attending to countless sweaty crotches and swallowing load after load of sticky man-yogurt? It crossed my mind that it might also be bad for the girls' health.
We all know the story about 80s disco queen, Marc Almond. Legend has it that he collapsed on stage with a suspected drug overdose and was rushed to hospital to have his stomach pumped. Instead of pills, the doctors discovered a pint of semen. Almond vehemently denies the story, claiming that it's an urban myth. He may well be right but, when you look at him, it's easy to understand why most of us found it so plausible.
February 10 2004
Thai sex games: Bangkok Roulette
An erotic drinking game for men sounds like a contradiction in terms but Bangkok Roulette is precisely that. Getting blown-off in front of your mates isn't to everyone's taste but, because the action takes place under the boardroom table, even shy guys can join in.
These are the rules of Bangkok Roulette: The Chairman offers his chums a drink as they take their seats around the table. A sexy Thai girl settles in underneath and then sets to work giving one lucky guy a blow-job. The object of the game is to guess who's getting the gobble. Those who get it wrong have to take a drink - and the Chairman can dish out forfeits too. Our busy Thai girl then selects another victim.
February 7 2004
The Cave: First fetish bar in Thailand
Suspend, blind, mummify, punish, stretch, sensually deprive or overload, humiliate and train. Spank, spank and spank again! Dress code: Black.
The Cave is Thailand's first and only fetish bar and its website makes interesting reading. Scared to go in on my own, I invited a couple of mates to accompany me.
We had to get properly kitted out first but, unfortunately, Central Chidlom was fresh out of black neoprene wetsuits with the buttocks cut out and our search for leather chaps and WW1 gasmasks proved equally fruitless. Finally, we settled for ordinary black shirts.
We picked up the third member of our kinky trio from his apartment, praying that we wouldn't find him parading around in a basque and suspenders. Suitably attired, we headed off to Soi Cowboy to get tanked-up first - drinks at The Cave cost B300 ($7).
Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones might look pretty cool as Men in Black but, frankly, we just looked silly. Some of the Soi Cowboy go-go dancers twigged that we were off to The Cave and one girl wanted to come with us but the B900 ($21) admission fee (incl. one drink) ruled that idea out.
February 5 2004
Thai girls spy on parental boom-boom
Ask any Thai girl whether she's seen her parents having boom-boom and the answer will probably be yes. Witnessing our parents on the job is something that we farangs prefer not to think about but, in Thailand, whole families often share a single room and the gruesome spectacle is hard to avoid.
The subject arose when my previous Thai girlfriend said that her dad was good in bed. Tentatively, I asked her how she knew. She explained that her parents would only have sex after making sure that the children were asleep. However, she would often fake it and watch the night's events unfold with one eye half-open.
February 2 2004
PACI roadtests Thai bar girls
Mango Sauce reader Steve runs the Pattaya-based Professional Association of Carnal Inspectors (PACI) - a non-profit organisation which uses science to take the guesswork out of selecting the most rewarding Thai bar girl experience.
To this end, PACI has devised a remarkable questionnaire which rates the performance of bar girls in areas such as "initial contact," "relationship development" and "money-grabbing tricks." Those girls who make the cut can go on to be assessed in more advanced areas such as "pussy presentation" and "condom skills" etc. You can download the form here.
PACI Bar Girl Evaluation Form (PDF format)
Like a sexed-up version of the Human Genome Project, Steve tells me that a lot of "hard work" has gone into the development of the Bar Girl Evaluation Form. A Thai language version is in the pipeline and he also has plans to create a Long Term Girlfriend Evaluation Form.
Using the data collected from more than a thousand bar girls, the statisticians at PACI have been able to draw some interesting conclusions.
February 1 2004
Thai blowjob bar recollections
"Please don't cum in my mouth." Could there ever be a more futile request? If the pleas of our own girlfriends fall on deaf ears, what hope then for the raddled slappers who work in Bangkok's infamous blowjob bars?
I'm currently playing host to a mate from Farangland who is completely obsessed with a schoolgirl-themed blowjob bar on Soi Cowboy. Last night, he dragged me in there to find the girl who serviced him last year but was a little crestfallen when she didn't remember him.
She led him into the naughty boy's corner, tucked away at the far end of the bar. He smiled and waved to me as she set to work. She asked him not to cum in her mouth but, when the moment came, he took firm hold of her ears to prevent disengagement.
January 19 2004
Bareback bonking in Thai boardrooms
Imagine setting up your own company for the sole purpose of employing and then seducing classy Thai babes. It may sound far fetched but I was recently introduced to a fella who did exactly that.
After inflicting a bone-crushing handshake, Tom (not his real name) tested my patience by droning on at length about his new company. Suffocating under his relentless tide of bullshit, I couldn't understand how he had acquired a reputation as one of Bangkok's leading non-pay shaggers. Thai girls always tend to go for nice guys but this fella was a complete twat. After he left, my friend dished the dirt.
Tom had been employed in Thailand by a well-known multinational but his drinking and sexual misconduct had affected his work - in other words, he lost the plot in typical farang ex-pat fashion (See Does farang life turn you into a sex freak?). He landed on his feet, though. Being a senior guy, his severance package was quite generous.
He decided to set up his own company in Bangkok and recruited only top-drawer Thai totty. Soon, his office became Chulalongkorn's answer to Charlie's Angels but there wasn't a speakerphone in sight. Tom's management style was more hands-on than Charlie's. Privileged Chula girls are reputed to wear bullet-proof knickers but somehow he persuaded all of them to bite the pillow within 48 hours of starting - without a condom.
January 13 2004
Patpong ping pong pussy banana show
Shy Bangkok showgirl blasts fruit over 15ft.
On Friday night, I stumbled in on one of Patpong's notorious upstairs ping-pong pussy banana shows. The star-turn was a hefty Thai farm-girl with few inhibitions. Though she kept her bra on, shyness didn't stop her blasting dozens of bananas from her pussy. Her effective range was an amazing 15ft and the entire audience took a heavy barrage. It's a rare skill, even in Thailand, and her mother must be very proud.
Our arrival was greeted by a scrum of frenzied girls and I retained the services of the bikini-clad fun-bunny who had climbed onto my lap. Her chat was predictable, so I asked her to sit quietly and be my human-shield against the flying fruit. She consumed two lady drinks and only got hit by one banana so I reckon that she was the big winner.
December 28 2003
Samsung pleasures Thai housewives
This picture shows a Thai woman pleasuring herself with a huge vibrator. When South Korea's industrial giant, Samsung, buys a full page ad in the Bangkok Post, an explicit image of female masturbation is the last thing you would expect.
Back in the 1950s, British housewives put the fun into wash day by squatting on the edge of the spin-drier. The popularity of Ann Summers parties has relegated this practice to a quaint historical footnote. However, the sexual revolution has yet to happen in Thailand and more discreet vibrators are forbidden by law (See Not an urban myth - the Hello Kitty vibrator).
By the look of rapture on the model's face, she must have selected the heavy soil program. Did you notice the voyeuristic fella on the TV screen? Let's pray that the next ad doesn't show him wanking off over a refridgerator.
November 30 2003
Alan Partridge's Thai ladyboy lust
Alan Partridge: Tell me about the ladyboys
Celebrity loser, Alan Partridge, is a TV comedy legend. "I'm Alan Partridge: I'm a national broadcaster trapped in the body of regional disc-jockey and there are no operations that can cure that - at least not on the National Health." For Alan, life has hit rock bottom. His wife has left him and he's onto his 49th week at the Linton Travel Tavern.
Alan hides a secret passion for Thai ladyboys. He persuades Michael, the hotel handyman, to recount an army story about Bangkok katoeys but his PA, Lynn, arrives at the worst possible moment.
Alan: Tell me about the ladyboys.
Michael: Oh, you mean them transsexuals. Aye, I've seen them but, you know, they're disgusting. I kept away from them.
Alan: Oh god, yeah yeah. Fascinating creatures though (pauses). Looks like a lady but er... really it's a man. I don't find them attractive, it's just confusing (pauses). I don't suppose you've got any er... army stories about them?
November 7 2003
Are you a sex addict?
1. When getting a blow-job, do you:
A. Moan approvingly
B. Wish your birthday came around more often
C. Read the newspaper
2. Do you know your Thai girlfriend's full name?
A. Yes
B. I have it written down somewhere
C. I'm not even certain she's a girl
3. How does a game of Connect 4 make you feel?
A. Irritated - it's a waste of time
B. Intrigued - it's harder than it looks
C. Horny
October 13 2003
Hey, that's my Thai girlfriend!
My Thai girlfriend only dances
What's your sweet little Thai girlfriend up to right now? Looking after her sick mother in Buriram, like she said? Of course not you half-wit. Every night of the week, she's cramming in all the farang cock she can handle.
Today we feature a busy young lady from Thailand's naughty nightlife industry. Do you know her? If she's your girlfriend and you are sending her money each month, then you get to win a fabulous prize.
So what's the prize? A fucking wake-up call, that's what it is you love-sick fool. When you confront her, she will say "I only dance, I not go with customer" and you will say "Oh that's ok then, you had me worried there for a minute." Words fail me. If I wasn't too tight to pay the barfine, I'd settle the argument by shagging her myself.
October 8 2003
Not an urban myth: The Hello Kitty vibrator
Hello Kitty vibrator
A new and bizarre sex toy has Hello Kitty fans buzzing with excitement. The cute Japanese cartoon icon, normally to be found on children's lunchboxes and bar girl's T-shirts, has been turned into a big knobbly vibrator.
Amazingly, it is genuine merchandise. Sanrio Corporation, the copyright owner, licensed the vibrator as a muscle massager on the proviso that it would never leave Japan. When it discovered that customers were having too much fun, the license was quickly terminated. However, by this time the toy had achieved cult status and was circulating overseas.
In Thailand, vibrators are forbidden by law. One of these babies in your hand luggage could land you in a prison cell. Those who want to take the risk should remove the batteries first as they look a bit obvious on the x-ray.
Sanrio will never make the same mistake again. The current batch of Hello Kitty vibrators is the last. Stocks are already running low but you can still get one second-hand on eBay - at a price. Collector's items don't come much stranger than this. In years to come, proud owners will be showing them off on the Antiques Roadshow.
October 4 2003
Motorola captures the glamour of whoring
When Motorola executives chose this eye-catching image to promote their E365 handset, they probably thought it was rather clever. After all, it must be a pretty cool phone that distracts a woman from her lover's embrace.
Maybe they've never been with a snotty CM2 girl who won't switch her frigging phone off. Hardly a positive image is it? Nokia must be pissing themselves.
September 18 2003
Is your Thai sweetheart really a ladyboy?
Many years ago, when I was young and innocent, I met a Swedish backpacker recently back from Thailand. Over a couple of drinks, he explained to me the curious phenomenon of Thai ladyboys. Known as katoeys, these highly decorated gender-benders can be seen practically everywhere. I asked my new Swedish chum what on earth you would do if you pulled one and didn't realise your mistake until rather late in the game. "Anything you like" he said with a grin.
For those who don't want to get more than they bargained for, I've cobbled together a biological check-list below. Mistakes happen more frequently than people let on. Would you brag about it?
This photo of the Miss Lady Lady International contest appeared recently in the Bangkok Post. The one in the middle is obviously a fella, but what about the other two? The one on the left looks like a real babe, but a babe is the one thing she is not. In fact, all three have that little bit extra - namely a big fat veiny knob or, at best, one that has been inverted by surgery.
September 8 2003
Hughie Green talks about cock rot
Hughie Green: Prolific swordsman
Showman Hughie Green was the most prolific swordsman of his day and fathered enough illegitimate children (including dead pop-tart Paula Yates) to fill a medium sized industrial town.
With all that bareback bonking, it stands to reason that he must have known his way around the inside of a clap clinic. Although dead for some years now, Hughie has agreed to answer my questions about coping with a sticky beak in the Kingdom of Thailand. He is assisted, as ever, by his trusty clapometer.
David: Welcome to Mango Sauce Hughie. Tell us about syphilis.
Hughie: This disease was a personal favourite of mine back in the days when I hosted the piss-poor talent contest Opportunity Knocks on ITV but you seldom see it now - just like my show. It exhibits a diverse range of symptoms, culminating in madness and death. Once diagnosed, however, it is easily cured. Clapometer score 15.
David: Pubic lice are an occupational hazard for any man about town in Bangkok. How should we avoid them?
Hughie: If your date is scratching her minge like a reanimated corpse on a coffin lid then take a look for the tell-tale eggs and blood spots. A condom is no barrier to these microscopic muff-munchers but they are easily eradicated using crab lotion. I launched the careers of celebrities like Bobby Crush, Bernie Flint and Pam Ayres so I always kept a bottle handy in case they needed it. Clapometer score 5.
September 5 2003
Fancy swapping the misses for an Asian supermodel?
RealDoll Mai
Meet sexy Mai. She is a model, but not in the way you might imagine. Like her leggy catwalk sisters, she has a fully articulated skeleton but her soft parts are actually made of silicone rubber. She's a RealDoll.
Sex with a rubber is encouraged, but could this be taking things too far? In most respects, Mai could never match up to the appeal of a genuine woman but she does have her advantages. You won't have to support 1,000 of her feckless relatives in Buriram and she will shut the fuck up. The sex might be better too. This is what shock-jock Howard Stern has to say:
Just like a real Asian babe, Mai will seriously damage your wealth. She costs $5999 plus shipping of $450 in the US and $800 internationally. You can get better acquainted with her at www.realdoll.com.
For an altogether more disturbing experience, visit www.realdollsex.com. Seeing your fellow man servicing a lump of plastic has all the erotic appeal of watching Margaret Thatcher taking a dump (definitely a minority interest), but a jolly prankster could find enough candid photos here to trick his mates into banging-off over an eraser.
Getting your rubber lover though Thai customs might not be so easy. You could say that she was a mannequin for your shop window but the combination of her massive wobbly knockers and big hairy minge would probably undermine the credibility of your story. So what's the worst that could happen?
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
