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1. Keep your travel plans secret from your Thai hooker sweetheart. That way, when you turn up at her go-go bar unannounced, she'll cry tears of joy.

2. When you find her with another guy, wearing only a thong and a puzzled expression, storm over and make an embarrassing scene.

3. Win back her affections with a poorly chosen gift that has little or no resale value. When she fails to go crazy with excitement, act like a petulant child.

4. Ask her why she isn't wearing the gold bracelet that you gave her last year as a token of your sincere and undying love. If she says that it's in her room, march her there and tear the place apart in a futile search.

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5. If she's with a guy who is younger, richer and better looking than you, cling onto the belief that she'll soon come crawling back. Spend your precious fortnight crying into your beer and getting on the nerves of fellow drinkers.

6. Hang around her bar like a stale fart, whining for sympathy from her Thai hooker mates.

7. It wouldn't occur to you to grab one of them for a massive shag-fest - so don't. Opt for two weeks of angry celibacy instead.

8. On returning home, be moved to tears by a 10-word email that she wrote to a Swedish guy called Stefan but sent to you by mistake.

9. Go to Western Union and send her 20,000 baht a month for ever.

10. Get your story published as a reader's submission on Stickman's website.

[Posted to Relationships by David]

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