May 31 2005

"The Rock" exposed as Soi Cowboy go-go dancer

Recalling the Noi Nok Ning Nung nicky-nacky Noo nicknames of countless Thai go-go dancers can be rather taxing on the memory but my drinking buddies and I have devised a practical solution - we invent new names for them.

Top honours go to "The Rock" from Sheba's and "Edgar Davids" from the Rooster Bar for their uncanny resemblance to the wrestling megastar and the talented Dutch international respectively. It goes without saying they're not very pretty but jaded ex-pats might be tempted to short-time them just for the novelty value.

"Hippo Ears" from Suzy Wong's, on the other hand, is an absolute stunner - and is, presumably, also very easy to get a grip on. A special mention must also go to "Coat-Hanger Girl" from the same bar - upon whose nipples you could effortlessly hang out your washing.

I'm also acquainted with a shameless show-off who sometimes performs a rather brazen act on my thumb. One of my fun-loving chums calls her "Miss Lizard Girl" - and he explains why below - but I usually refer to her as "That Monster-Girl from The Ring" because she resembles a half-decomposed mop-haired corpse dredged-up from the bottom of a well... in a strangely sexy kind of way.

After an exhausting night of moving tiles around the board Mango Sauce's Scrabble team retired to its favourite bar. The usual suspects were dancing there including our favourite "Miss Lizard Girl" who spends most of her time crawling along the bar waving her delicious rump behind her.

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As is the way with lexicographers, talk soon turned to the meaning of words and our captain raised the question "why is a blow job called a blow job when clearly it is anything but? " Indeed, he is right. The act is one of licking, sucking and caressing but certainly not blowing. As if to illustrate the point, Miss Lizard Girl slithered across the bar, grabbed the captain's hand and began to suck his thumb in a highly salacious manner. He said afterwards he found it highly erotic and the best thumb job he had ever had; but imagine what would have happened had Miss Lizard Girl simply started to blow on his thumb. She'd have lost her job immediately as the mama san would have assumed she'd lost her marbles.

Talk then digressed to "great blow jobs I have experienced" and after twenty minutes the general conclusion was reached that Thai girls aren't great at giving head. In fact, without a great deal of training it seems they do no more than merely pay "lip service" to the head in question. Why is this? There's no ready answer unless it is that too many Thai girls have been caught out by the third of the three greatest lies of all time: (1) I'll send you some money in the post; (2) Of course I'll still love you in the morning; (3) Don't worry. I promise not to come in your mouth.

Members of Mango Sauce's Scrabble team are willing to be proved wrong by any girls who are enthusiastic head givers; but, in the event of few participants, the team are willing to settle instead for a game of topless darts.

I've been asked to point out that topless darts has no connection with the ever-popular Patpong sport of bottomless darts.

Renaming the locals is obviously a bit cheeky so, to save their feelings, we don't normally let onto them about it - but there are exceptions.

When I take friends touring outside Bangkok, meter-taxis are hard to find and we normally get lumbered with a disreputable tuk-tuk driver intent on hijacking us to places that pay him a commission. These grinning charlatans need to be put in their place so one of us will adopt the tone of Dame Judi Dench playing Queen Victoria to declare that "We will call you Bobby" and, from that point on, Bobby must answer to his new name - or he'll incur our displeasure.

[Posted to Nightlife by David]

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