November 12 2003

Patpong: Putting the sex into Thai tourism

Patpong gogo dancers

For many tourists, taking in a lewd show is the Bangkok equivalent of visiting the Eiffel Tower. I had some curious mates over last year, so I took them to one of Patpong's seedy upstairs bars. These venues are the elephant's graveyard of go-go dancers - a final resting place for the old and feeble. First up was a dreadful old boiler who shoved a banana up her twat. Things only got worse when the dancers came on.

With her wasted body and sunken cheeks, one girl resembled the evil cartoon villain, Skeletor. Her ghoulish appearance was enhanced by some horrendous prison tattoos - crude faces carved into her thighs. She latched onto one of my horrified mates, ignoring his pleas for her to let go. She wanted money first. I told her to fuck off and called the mamasan over. It took three women to drag her away.

Patpong is famous for its tourist rip-offs as well as it's ping-pong balls. Most ex-pats prefer to party in Nana Plaza or Soi Cowboy but there's plenty of fun to be had in Patpong for those willing to make the effort.

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The King's Group has a reasonable reputation. Their bars can be identified by the words King or Queen in the name. Customers should exercise caution at King's Corner, though - the prettiest girls aren't girls (See Is your Thai sweetheart really a ladyboy truck-driver with a huge cock?).

For me, there's only one place worth visiting - the laid-back Safari Bar. Here, the music is excellent and the girls are pretty. They don't bother you either (unless you want them to) so it's perfect for a relaxing evening with friends. This bar is too good for Patpong.

A different kind of venue is the Muzzik Cafe. Like a poor-man's Hard Rock Cafe, it features deafening live bands, London prices and clingy freelancers. It's quite popular but I hate the place. It was also the scene of an unhappy incident that I would prefer to forget (See Appeal to would-be stalkers).

The young and hip could check out Lucifer's. This is a slick western-style disco, heaving with Thai chicks. One or two of them might not be hookers too. The staff dress like medieval jesters, with bells on their hats. One night, I saw 20 of them descending on a hapless farang who couldn't pay his bill. It was like something out of The Lord of the Rings.

Caffe Di Roma is Patpong's best known restaurant. Though French owned, it serves up decent Italian food. The wine is laid out in a side-room. If you want to choose a bottle, try to slip in unseen - otherwise the waiters will mob you. On my last visit, a huge squad of them pinned me up against a wall and carefully explained that some bottles were red and the others were white. I'm no wine buff, but I think I could have worked that out for myself.

Sala Daeng Skytrain station should be a minute's walk away but the busy night market makes it 10. This is a popular place to buy copy goods. You can tempt the wife to Patpong by promising her a Louis Vuitton handbag. When her back is turned, you can ogle the go-go dancers through the curtained doorways but for heaven's sake don't drag her in (See How to make a tit of yourself in a Thai go-go bar). Better to "nip out for a newspaper" while she's taking a shower (See Joyce Cuckold 47: Her hubby finds his mojo in Bangkok).

Chucking-out time is 2.00am. Beware of the big-handed ladyboys who lurk in every doorway to ambush unattached gentlemen. Patpong is also the natural habitat of the taxi driver who won't use his meter but you can save yourself the hassle by walking 100 yards before you hail one. Save your powers of argument for the hotel room. When you stagger in covered with lipstick, the wife will give you the row of your life.

[Posted to Nightlife by David]

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Readers' comments

daniel says:

yes david safari is a great place, i even go sometines after work and thats just to unwind, another gogo bar which seems to much of the same is the electric blue bar but it gets better much later.

i have one question thought....is there anywhere on soi cowboy you would recomend which is similar?

i wont even go there, with nana plaza.

August 18, 2006 9:35 PM

Mark says:

Another great place for a drink and to take in the street life is the Cleo Bar Beer. The girls don't hassle, and Mama keeps everyone in line (including the punters!)

March 28, 2007 4:17 AM

dave says:

Long Guns at soi cowboy is cool
gets crowded but everyone is cool
They do this wacked out show
girls using their vaginas to pop a balloon

April 5, 2007 8:30 AM

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