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My evil Siamese twin trawls Bangkok's seedy go-go bars every night, takes girls two at a time and shags them to within an inch of their lives. He's also got a massive cock and loads of money. I know this because many of them think that I'm him - and my popularity has soared as a result.

Last month, the flash git whisked a Soi Cowboy go-go dancer off for a dream holiday in Phuket. He said he'd phone her when she got back to Bangkok but, naturally, he didn't. When I was walking down Soi Cowboy last week, the furious little minx grabbed hold of me and launched into a tirade of abuse. By an extraordinary stroke of luck, I was rescued from this awkward predicament by a passing elephant.

The angry little fists pounding on my chest were unexpectedly brushed aside by its gigantic trunk. The playful pachyderm lifted me off my feet for a couple of seconds before presenting me to his handler. "He hungry" the man explained, holding out a 20 baht bag of cucumbers. Thank Christ they're not carnivores.

We ended up in Patpong - where I was immediately accosted by another of the guy's conquests. She pleaded with me to take her and her mate for round two. Out of curiosity, I asked her what had happened the first time. Apparently, my dodgy doppelganger took them back to his fancy hotel room and totally monstered them for eight hours - and they loved every minute of it.

She became quite flushed as she described the night's events and, after a few minutes of frotting herself, she guided my hand into her knickers to show off her aroused state. The big-cocked bastard had obviously made quite an impression on her.

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At this point, a business acquaintance of my drinking buddy came over to say hi. Naturally, he offered me his hand but I fear that he may have regretted his politeness.

My conduct was, of course, shameful (See Make a tit of yourself in a Thai go-go bar) so my thanks go out to Tanai Kwai for submitting a story so disgraceful that it makes me look like a lovely bloke that you could introduce to your mother.

May 31, 2004
Phuket, Thailand

Manfred Mueller, a resident tourist from Heidelberg, Germany and local expat from Phuket town has been jailed on charges stemming from an altercation at Girls a GoGo. According to an eyewitness Mueller felt he had been ripped off from "services rendered" at the club and wanted a discount from the floor manager. After refusing to give any ground to Mueller, the manager called the local police to have Mueller removed from the premises. However, before the police arrived, Mueller disengaged his colostomy bag and threw it at the manager, hitting him squarely in the head. The incident was captured on the club's state-of-the-art video tape security system. Mueller has been charged with reckless endangerment, assault and battery, and dissemination of a toxic fecal material. He is expected to be arraigned later this week.

[Posted to Nightlife by David]

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