July 23 2004

PACI bar girl identification guide

Our friends at the Professional Association of Carnal Inspectors (See PACI bar girl evaluation form) have published another research paper. Steve tells me that, after years of painstaking study, his colleague "The Reveler" has finally arrived at a taxonomy of the various species of bar girl to be found in Asia. These are his findings.

Sharks: The hardened professionals, they hunt in pairs or packs. Smart dressers, skilful users of make-up, they have X-ray vision that would make Superman weep and can spot their prey across a crowded bar with uncanny accuracy. They move in quickly and silently for the kill. English rarely gets beyond the "what you name, you buy me drink, you go home same me" stage.

'QuickFit' merchants: [Named after the well-known UK car repair company that guarantees to replace your brakes, exhaust and/or tires in less than ten minutes]. Usually slim, attractive, and sexy, they ooze lust. But when you get them into the hotel room, they're out of their clothes and into bed faster than a grand-prix tire change. They haven't even heard of foreplay, and as soon as you've come they've gone - usually straight back to their bar of choice to line up the next victim.

Derelicts: Older girls who are past their shelf-date, they home in on anyone with whom they have - or think they have - an acquaintance, to cadge money for taxi, rent, sick child, sick parent, kid's school-fees, house repairs, phone bill etc. Some display the remnants of bygone beauty, but many are now so brawny they could make a new career in the WWF.

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Lolitas: Should really be at home doing their homework. Skimpy little waifs, fragile and vulnerable looking, they invariably add at least three years to their real age. Smoke non-stop and have a sink-like capacity for whisky colas. Often very inexperienced - they know what the Naughty Bits are for, and what goes where, but not how, when, or why.

Piranhas: Once they smell blood, they are ruthless in their pursuit of a victim. They can gauge to a milligram their victim's blood-alcohol level, and respond accordingly. They home in on the erogenous zones, and you're lucky if you get to the pub door without shooting your bolt.

Leeches: You've made the deadly mistake of taking these more than once. Thereafter you are "Theirs" and they will haunt you for the rest of your natural days. 'Fatal Attraction' has nothing on these harpies.

Wallpaper: These are the largely decorative totty, usually lounging around the walls and chatting to the bar staff. Seemingly oblivious to the guys, they have a glazed stare and are immune to the usual 'come hither' signals.

Brain-dead beauties: These are the sultry, sexy, curvaceous, luscious creatures you could die for - until you try to engage them in conversation. You then realize that they drop off the bottom of the IQ scale.

Sleeping beauties: Vivacious and lively in the bar, as soon as you get them into the hotel room they become drowsy and fall into a deep coma. Not even a scale eight earthquake will wake them, and forget about Prince Charming. Fine if you're into necrophilia, otherwise a waste of time.

Amateurs: These are the occasional visitors, the quiet girls. They usually wear jeans or sensible skirts and woolen tops. They don't drink much, and rarely smoke. They don't wear much - or any - make up. They avoid the obvious Lotharios and loud-mouthed lechers, but quietly and efficiently attach themselves to the less vociferous guys. Often the best performers in bed, and they never argue about the remuneration.

And finally…

Reveler's First Law: Once out of her teens, the age of a girl is directly proportional to the length of her hair and inversely proportional to the shortness of her dress.

Reveler's Second Law: A girl's performance in bed is inversely proportional to the size of her tits.

Reveler's Third Law: The accuracy of your bar bill is inversely proportional to your blood-alcohol content.

[Posted to Nightlife by David]

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Readers' comments

Stickman says:

Nice.

July 23, 2004 4:10 PM

Farangutan says:

not sure about Reveler's Third Law, but One and Two are so on the money its not...funny. Sorry didn't mean to rhyme there.

I wonder...should there be another category for women who will happily do the most disgusting things to the ugliest man for the smallest amount of money/for free - a category called "Gote Girl" perhaps.

July 23, 2004 4:41 PM

mr peter says:

At the risk of being accused of being a pervert again I can think of one sub species closely related to sleeping beauties which needs including. The starfish girl often cleverly disguised as the hot as hell slut, once back in the room seems to be suddenly drained of any passion, movement or will to live. You can resort to pulling her limbs about like a rag doll but really it's cheaper and less hassle to use a blow up doll than one of these pests. Don't think taking the starfish out for a slap up meal, dancing or a movie will get her fired up either, it will still be adopting the hurry up and get on with it pose with arms and legs dead to the world.

There must be a few other types mini bar raider, the magic girls who can always change time itself from LT-ST with an arsenal of excuses etc etc-peter

July 23, 2004 5:14 PM

TANAI KWAI says:

Good girls: Never the most attractive but always the most flexible. S-T, L-T, girlfriend, wife, babies -- it's entirely up to you. If you're a miner for a heart of gold you've struck paydirt.

The Dynamic Duo: One stunner and one workhorse troll the bar together, the workhorse obscuring her modest charms while standing behind her more gifted partner. They promise a night of unbridled fantasy sex as you wile away the hours in every conceivable sexual configuration. The boozy sex tourist seizes upon this as the opportunity of a lifetime while more seasoned aficionados (cross-referencing the players with other descriptions above) take a pass. Needless to point out here, the pair's symbiosis involves the stunner merely reeling them in and the homely one doing the dirty work of cleaning, scaling, bone extraction, etc.

(...)

July 23, 2004 9:10 PM

KDub says:

That second law is so true. I had never thought of it before. It's not just a Thai thing.

July 23, 2004 9:11 PM

Mr. White says:

I believe the same thing has been said about guys and their penis sizes. The compensation factor.

July 23, 2004 9:18 PM

Gimpy1 says:

Tania,

We can all assume you're the work horse, correct?

Or was that your mother?

July 24, 2004 1:36 AM

wilbur says:

Great list. Laughed my ass off.

Would also love to see a similar list compiled about US by the GIRLS. I bet it would be equally funny (although for different reasons). Anybody out there have a BG research assistant?

July 24, 2004 2:29 AM

darlie says:

you missed out "The Intellectual "
this gal comes to the hotel with a bagfull of books , and isnt ready for rumpo until she has devoured many pages.
usually takes an hour .
she really enjoys the maintenance& operating manual for a 10Kva diesel generator , serious foreplay is required on Noy ....

July 24, 2004 2:57 AM

Ab Nam says:

I remember being with one intelectual. She told me at the Beer Garden that she was a college student. I said..yeah...yeah. Later, she's lying in bed and pulls out some texts on international economics. They do exist.

July 24, 2004 3:14 AM

GEORGE S says:

My last "Date" was definitely a QuickFit Merchant, or just plain quickie for short. Met all the requirements of "slim, attractive, and sexy, they ooze lust."

She didn't even want to undress, she just assumed taking off her panties to get to the good part would be sufficient. I had to beg her to let me see the whole show.

I am definitely picking Plain Dounuts from now on. I don't need sugar coated, frosting or any sprinkles. george

July 24, 2004 5:40 AM

Dana says:

Thanks for saying it for me George. It's all plain donuts for me from now on. It's street slag or nothing. Less money--same game--same odds that you'll get lucky and be pleasantly surprised. I go to the bars to see the 'show' or the shows--I shop on the street. Last time in BKK I only dipped into the wallet once for a barfine.

July 24, 2004 9:07 AM

Dean says:

Mother sick: After a month of love-shacking with a Thai lady, my vacation was over. In Dec. 2001, I returned to Vancouver BC Canada.
She sent me two beautiful letters. One had a postcard with a picture of a waterfall! The obligatory words of 'Love you forever" were most assuredly used.
However, a month later was a letter with the words, "Mother sick, can you send me 2,000 baht?"

A team of Cyranos: On a subsequent visit to the verdant, bejewelled LOS, I met a comely wench at a massageparlour, that is, a normal massage parlour in Banglamphu. After co-habitating with her -she too is one of the local perennial female personalities, blessed with two children living in Khorat, I found my vacation over and returned yet again to the land of BC Bud, Vancouver.
She was a very overwhelming woman flooding my reality with sentiments of love. She spoke no Englsih, but my command of Thai, written and spoken have progressed to a point where I can understand about 95% of what she is saying in the letters, and I write letters to her entirely in Thai.

But on closer scholarly examination of the more than a dozen letters that she has sent, it seems that there are at least five different samples of handwriting, ergo, in some of the letters, she did not even write them at all! But they were signed as if she had written them! Bizarre! There are two possible reasons for this, none of them good: 1)Illiteracy 2)I am just another mark in one of these well-meaning, benign scams that the locals here seem to run on a production line basis!

And another thing, one of the people who work at her massage parlour is a transvestite. I mean, people like this, secondarily, or some might argue, tertiarilly sexual characters like this found throughout Bangkok put the word 'Thai' back into transves-Thai'te! (Actually, the correct term for these people are, 'transexual. A transvestite is a man who likes to wear women's clothing. Like Shakespeare's Twelfth Night, or Monty Python.)

Lots of craziness in the City of Angels. Crazy people who put the 'KIT' as in 'KIT teung' back in the word, "s-KIT-zophrenia"!!!

Still, I will always be glad that I met these ladies. In fact, I love them very much and always will.

In fact, I think that I will see one of these ladies again the next time that I am in Thailand. Murphy's Law works in Thailand as well; personalities that I have been writing to fervently, month after month, are nowhere to be seen when I return to Bangkok. Others, whom I had not thought of even once during the interim, are still, just as ever working in the very same place they were when I first visited Bangkok nearly half a decade ago.

Dean is my nickname. I was known as Wing, when I was in Thailand.

It is very exhiliarating to write for this column. There are responses on this site, often relatively instant responses.
The writers on this column, cog, waxhead, tanai kwai, etc, excuse me if I did not specifically mention you, write with great alacrity! I have to watch what I write in order not to get ripped apart by the Gestalt-therapy-like cutting repartees of these other writers.

I am a fan!

But criticism, is like the Erawan Buddha. It is omnidirectional, so even when you are doing everything right, you will still be criticized, rest assured - no good deed goes unpunished!

Why be obsessed with not being misunderstood?
What's this premium on being totally understood?

And what is the obsession of being normal?

Many, me too, perhaps, go to Thailand to assuage fears that one may not be getting enough sex action in their lives...
Now, I believe that life does not owe me a quota on anything, women, money, etc. Excuse me for saying this, for sounding like such a prude, but a Native Shaman once told me that if I hire a prostitute, then that act will become that much less special when you finally do meet your Soul Mate.
On that timely invective, I have always kept my concupisicient activities of gynecological procurement to a minimal. Good luck going through the maze of prostitution and sex without giving in to the deep urge not to use a condom, not getting an STD and not getting the woman pregnant, or pulled into a shotgun wedding!

Finally, there is a story from the Ancient Times. A story well established in Western Civilization. The Story of Job. He was a man, who apparently, had much, but befell some disaster where all his posessions, and even to a great degree, his health, was taken away. -He still loved life nevertheless!

Chok Dee.

Dean
Vancouver BC, CANADA

July 24, 2004 9:22 AM

Dana says:

Hello Dean

Regarding the woman and the letters: Run--Run Like The Wind. . . !

Dana

July 24, 2004 10:11 AM

Valentino Rossi says:

Ah yes - the stunner and the ugly girl. This is a worldwide concept, not restricted to Bangkok. Back when I was at school, one particularly lovely girl had a mate who was universally known as "henchman". I remember Mike Harding (northern British comedian) saying that when he was growing up, they were referred to as "tugs" and he pulled so many tugs that his mates called him the Queen Mary. Also, recently heard a new (to me) term from an ex-army bloke: "grenade", as in "I've got a date with this stunner on Saturday, but she's bringing her mate. Your job is to come with me and fall on the grenade." It's what friends are for.

July 24, 2004 2:35 PM

Niall says:

I fully understand the stunner/troll argument for the west and have pulled more than my share of munters who understood that they had to perform to get anywhere but Bangkok?

No No No. I can shag munters at home. In Bangkok I chose perfect 10's everytime. Even if they are starfish to begin with you can generally warm them up with a few ploys or just plain old alchohol.

July 24, 2004 4:46 PM

Anonymous says:

Niall
there's no such thing as a "perfect 10", although anyone who gargles before swallowing might rate a 9.5

July 24, 2004 9:16 PM

Dana says:

Hello Mr. Anonymous--

If you are standing at the foot of any Skytrain stairs and you do not see perfect "10"s descending towards you than you need to have your vision checked.

July 24, 2004 11:05 PM

not ubangi says:

..... no comments about pro - con Bushco bah humug what boring day ......

otherwise love the categories, met them all at one time or another over a period of 10 years visiting thailand.

nu

July 25, 2004 12:18 AM

Ubangi Me, Ibangi U says:

Apparently, this is what everybody wants. No challenging conversation, no interesting discourse, no controversy. I can just hear everybody's will to live flowing back into their pallid, twitching bodies, regaining blessed strength from the lack of ONE SINGLE SOUL with anything interesting to say.

Maybe I'll introduce a new avatar, Quentin Quaalude. He'll never challenge anybody, his ego won't get in the way of Dana admiring his reflection in his monitor, his opinions will be in Zelig-like harmony with Farangutan and JohnU and all the rest who visit here to find a haven from all the people who don't have exactly the same take on politics, etc. He can gently lull the entire blog to sleep, where their essances can be saved up, like a thousand phones without SIM cards, being recharged for no reason.

A perfect blog.

July 25, 2004 12:57 AM

TANAI KWAI says:

That's the spirit, U.I.!

Now shunt that type of brevity and compact energy over to something more topical and folks may cede to you enough goodwill as to permit you to engage in the occasionally lengthy flight of fancy without hacking everyone off.

(...)

July 25, 2004 1:03 AM

not ubangi says:

ah shucks, lets get some controversy into this: all the right wingers go for the stunners i.e. the sharks the lolitas etc, whereas the libs go for the amateurs and social cases. the sharks are the reps who given the slightest opening, go for the throat like coulter and her ilk.
now saying al this, the question remains what does a good bushco supporter do in a forum of whore mongers. where are the famaily values? or does praying before and after the deed cleanse you from the evil?

nu

July 25, 2004 5:20 AM

Dean says:

The last time I visited Bangkok, I rode an elephant for the first time. The rolling and the pitching is a reminder of why camels are called ships of the desert.

The limbic system, which is the reptile brain can drive a man half-way around the world to a certain specific restaurant tucked in an obscure corner to retaste this particular restaurant's recipe for a certain dish. I have seen this before. Here in Vancouver, I am thinking of certain restaurants in Thailand that got the recipe for Thai red curry chicken just right, or another restaurant that serves up an extra frothy tom yung goong.

If one is in a certain city, always thinking of another city, that makes one a DP; that is a displaced person, doesn't it?

Next week, I am travelling to exotic Nanaimo BC. I plan to drink a beer in a pub, and then to watch a movie. Will Ferrell's anchorman would be a funny movie to watch especially after a couple of beers. That guy is a real funny comedian. There is an involuntary cavalier quality about him that is really funny.

Sure Bangkok is more exotic and farther away, but I've been there, done that. Sometimes travelling to a place closer is more of an adventure simply because one has never been there before.

The next time I go to Thailand, I would like to travel around; not live in any place for more than a month. And live in places close to the border, so that visa runs can be summarily facilitated.

Today is Saturday, I remember when I lived in Bangkok, I used to sometimes ride the #29 bus to Jatujak Market.

Once, I told a priest in Thailand, "I do not have much of a social life because all I ever do is talk about myself."

It would be fun to go parasailing in Pattaya!

July 25, 2004 5:32 AM

Ubangi Me, Ibangi U says:

Hey, Not Me!

I am on record in another thread as not hewing strictly to the right wing line, and in fact I refer to the Far Right as, "the al Queida of American socio-political discourse." I love frolicking with the girlies, and don't even wash my hands afterward! :)

More than trying to pull people to the right, I warn of believing what you hear in the media. This is a far greater bugaboo; I believe that the mass media is a greater threat to our way of life than either political party.

By contrasting the truth to what the media reports, I seek to remind people that they are trusting what they hear rather than looking for themselves. This is dangerous regardless of your political stripe.

July 25, 2004 6:14 AM

Ubangi Me, Ibangi U says:

Sorry for the off-topic post. The ID guide has already become my field guide for prowling the NE zones. I printed it with blank pages so I could enter notes and sketches of myh own.

Maybe we could persuade PACI to form an organization like the Audobon Society, sponsor outings to find and study the various species, and have meetings wherein we exchange exciting stories of our individual sightings.

July 25, 2004 6:20 AM

wilbur says:

Not too far off-topic, I hope. Here's a link to a news article headlined. "Prostitutes Join Police Converging on DNC Boston"

From the article: "Practitioners of the world's oldest profession are seeking reinforcements to help service some of the 35,000 visitors -- plus untold numbers of police reinforcements -- expected in the coming week when Democrats name Sen. John Kerry (news - web sites) their presidential candidate.

"'Every convention brings in more people, and women fly in from all over the country to work it,' said Robyn Few, a prostitute on probation who runs the Sex Workers Outreach Project, an advocacy group. "

OK, fellas, grab yer field guides (and a whole shitpile of money) and meet me in Boston!

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&ncid=578&e=16&u=/nm/20040724/pl_nm/campaign_prostitutes_dc

July 25, 2004 7:54 AM

Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus says:

"This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do"

This was not stolen from Bowie, just rented. But I think they are good words to say good-bye, I quit.

Will miss Mr Peter, TK, and some others but the rest of you just suck.

Lucius "Mike" Domitius Ahenobarbus

July 25, 2004 10:53 AM

Dana says:

Who was that guy?

July 25, 2004 10:59 AM

Anonymous Bullshitticus Phenobarbitus says:

Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus = http://www.mikeriemer.com/html/mikeriemer.php

The most interesting thing about this guy appears to be his nom-de-plume. And that was insipid.

July 25, 2004 1:54 PM

Dean says:

Per aspera ad astra. etcetera.

July 25, 2004 2:51 PM

Mr. Anonymous-- says:

Khun Dana'
re your reply
"If you are standing at the foot of any Skytrain stairs and you do not see perfect "10"s descending towards you than you need to have your vision checked".

1-There is a lot more than looks alone to rate a perfect 10, (refer to PACI bar girl evaluation form).
2- Standing at the foot of any Skytrain stairs for any length of time, looking for the perfect "10's" descending towards you, you could possibly find yourself the object of scrutiny by Bangkok's finest dressed in brown!

July 25, 2004 4:14 PM

Niall says:

Perfect 10's everywhere you look. Just set yourself up with a Singha on a busy street and let them come to you.

They do tend to cost a little more than the lower numbers but as the advert says 'go ahead your worth it'.

Anonymous, my scoring system is my own to score a perfect 10 they need to have the following assets:

Look beautiful

Perfect body

NOT speak any english

Stupid and not have a thought in their lovely heads.

Shag like rabbits.

You want to debate Plato with them thats up to you.

July 25, 2004 7:27 PM

Alcoholic who never really feels drunk says:

Girlfriends: You play around with all the bar girls, and take her home for one night of unreciprocal sex. A few days later she gives you the mean evil eye for standing next to another girl.

Barely sexual: A young student who accepts your 1000 baht to accept some fondlings and a limited time of friction.

July 25, 2004 7:55 PM

wilbur says:

Niall, by my system, that girl would only be a 9. To be a 10, she'd have to turn into a pizza and a 6-pack as soon as I was done shagging!

July 25, 2004 8:54 PM

Dana says:

Re: A perfect '10'--I only go for looks--I'm stupid and shallow--life's easier that way.

July 25, 2004 9:31 PM

Niall says:

Here what your saying Dana but even the cutest of them can have a brain and that only leads to trouble.

Cute and stupid's the best way to go.

July 25, 2004 11:14 PM

Dana says:

Niall, you've got logic on your side but I've got experience. Never actually met one with a brain. The one's that think they have a brain or that a newbie would think have a brain are so scrambled up with Face and Racism and Love of Family that everything just comes out jibberish anyway. I go with looks if I am looking for a 10. But I never go for a 10 if I am looking for intimate relations. Too many hassles. Shoot for a 6 with a smile--you'll be just as happy and spend less money. The rest is covered by the light switch.

July 26, 2004 1:20 AM

TANAI KWAI says:

"The rest is covered by the light switch."

Even when they've a vestigial penis under that skirt?

(...)

July 26, 2004 2:43 AM

Dana says:

I figure you're keeping personal score in two columns: one column has points for being smart and the other column has points for being mean. Which TK is winning?

July 26, 2004 5:48 AM

TANAI KWAI says:

Most points in the third column: number of souls fished for Jesus.

(of course)

July 26, 2004 5:58 AM

wilbur says:

I was at a party for a friend's birthday recently,
sitting with a bunch of farangs chewing the rag. A guy I know was talking about mood-killing comments made by the various hookers he'd been with. He told a funny story about smelling an American hooker's pussy ("What you smellin' down there for, honey? Smells like rubber I'm sure!"). He then went into a very funny riff about the different subclasses of pussy smells he's encountered, and we were all rolling.

One of the other guys, who I've known for 3 or 4 years then rejoined with, "That reminds me of this thing I and some friends wrote some time back, the Field Guide to Thai Bargirls, written by the Professional Association of Carnal Inspectors."
I about fell off my chair! "That was YOU??!! I saw that in Mango Sauce!"

"Yeah, we sent that around to a few places, like
Stickman, and people seemed to have a good time with it. Seems it's time to update, what with this new information we've encountered here!"

So, I am pretty sure we should expect an update from PACI pretty soon. By the way, my friend's name is Steve, and is quite probably the Steve mentioned at the start of the article. Small cyberworld.

September 8, 2004 9:30 PM

logos says:

Hi Guys

My name is Logos and I am from Sydney, Australia.

Wow, this is a very interesting forum, an intelligent study on the interior of Thai womans' psyches.

Captivating stuff indeed.

Does anyone know 'Cherry'?

Age 28, very charming and attractive BNGK resident, professional hustler of farrang men.

If anyone does, please post a detailed description of her, because I have some very interesting news (if you know her).

Logos
Sydney/ AUSTR

October 11, 2004 10:01 AM

daniel says:

i have to say i like some of the university girls for the obvious reasons.....

long black hair, cute little faces, tight white shirts, short little black skirts, great bodies with little firm tities, slender legs, creamy white skin.

but above all, the thing i like the most....................

not one brain cell in thier sweet little heads.

ps. one university girl i took to my apartment even had the cheek to ask me for 100 baht for a taxi the next morning.......oh my my, the cheek of it.

August 18, 2006 8:59 PM

Mike says:

You forgot one on your list...

The Wife: Expert of manapulation using guilt leverageing techniues and psycological warfare along with philabuster techniques of debate. You can never do enough to make her happy and as she gets older and fatter, she becomes proportinally more expensive.

January 9, 2007 10:10 PM

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