December 11 2006
Bangkok newbie gets stuck in

Some fun-loving friends from the UK visited me last week and one of them was a Bangkok newbie.
I suggested that he avoid freelancers if he didn't want to catch crabs or get his stuff nicked so it goes without saying that he gave countless beautiful go-go dancers the knock-back each night before carelessly plucking a pockmarked slapper off the street on the way back to his hotel.
Inevitably, he had a great time and I ended up looking like a clucking mother hen.
However, I did manage to score few points when he asked me why some go-go bars have a big squad of girls outside but hardly any onstage. I explained that Thailand is very safety-conscious nation and that they're always having fire drills.
In reality, of course, health and safety in the workplace isn't taken very seriously here - as was demonstrated later at Nana Plaza.
Number 69 is Playskool's superstar but she'd had more than a few drinks that night and her balance was a bit off. Descending the pole fireman-style, she sustained a minor but rather painful industrial injury. Her final dismount was heralded by a terrible screeching sound as she gave herself a rope-burn right on the minge.
Hygiene can sometimes be an issue too. At Patpong's Queens Castle 2, dancers leaving the stage retrieve their knickers from a communal bin. One girl carefully inspected the gusset of each pair before raising them to her nose for a quick sniff.
If you can't find your own Heineken bottle on the bar, you obviously settle for the one containing the most beer so it stands to reason that the go-go dancer who can't locate her own underwear might go for the pair with the fewest skid-marks.
Consumer protection is a third area where Thailand falls down. Another lad was quite impressed when an absolute stunner reached into his trousers and gave him the old "Bangkok handshake."
"You're pretty good at that," he told her.
"Yeah, I used to have one myself," she replied.
On the plus side, Thai food is streets ahead of anything you can get back home.
One evening, my friends decided to have dinner 61 floors up at the renowned rooftop restaurant of the Banyan Tree Hotel but I couldn't join them because, cost wise, it's a bit out of my league. The guys quickly discovered this for themselves and vowed to bring parachutes next time so that they can base-jump when the bill arrives.
At the end of his first trip to Bangkok, my newbie chum asked an astute question that I simply couldn't answer.
"Why is it that the guys who go off with the huge ladyboys always look like Woody Allen?"
[Posted to Nightlife by David]
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