March 8 2007

Follow-the-bargirl con-trick sweeps Bangkok

follow-the-bargirl.jpg

If you told your girlfriend that you were going for a quiet drink with Tim and Tom, she'd never guess that you were planning a massive three-way with a deliciously incestuous twist. However, before anyone gets the wrong idea, I should add that Tim and Tom are sisters who dance in the same Bangkok go-go bar.

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March 2 2007

Nana Disco "walk of shame"

nana disco

The freak show known as "chucking-out time at the Nana Disco" has been caught on video. For the countless prostitutes pretending to be "good girls," this 3am "walk of shame" is their last chance to hook-up with a free-spending tourist before joining the massed ranks of ladyboys, streetwalkers and battle-hardened whoremongers loitering in the Nana Hotel parking lot.

If the topic weren't so taboo, you might see this clip on National Geographic's Amazing Moments. A mass hatching of sea turtles can't hold a candle to this nightly spectacle.

January 14 2007

Crikey! Steve Irwin snogs ladyboy in Midnight Bar

Steve Irwin

Had he not been kebabbed by a stingray, Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, might have been shocked to learn that the Midnight Bar on Soi Cowboy now features two ladyboy dancers in its line-up.

For the unwary, it's a cruel practical joke that can only backfire.

Many of the mourners at Steve Irwin's funeral copied his distinctive dress code as a mark of respect but, on Thursday night in the Midnight Bar, one idiot took things too far.

December 11 2006

Bangkok newbie gets stuck in

woody allen

Some fun-loving friends from the UK visited me last week and one of them was a Bangkok newbie.

I suggested that he avoid freelancers if he didn't want to catch crabs or get his stuff nicked so it goes without saying that he gave countless beautiful go-go dancers the knock-back each night before carelessly plucking a pockmarked slapper off the street on the way back to his hotel.

Inevitably, he had a great time and I ended up looking like a clucking mother hen.

However, I did manage to score few points when he asked me why some go-go bars have a big squad of girls outside but hardly any onstage. I explained that Thailand is very safety-conscious nation and that they're always having fire drills.

August 2 2006

Bangkok nightlife: Bad men who misbehave

lonely_george.jpg

If your chum is banging away on a prostitute within minutes of meeting you for a drink, then he's been poorly schooled in Bangkok nightlife etiquette. To leave a pal nursing a lonely Heineken for half the evening is pretty crass.

Unless all members of the party are up for a take-out, politeness dictates that those gentlemen who wish to hook up should do so after hours - much to the dismay of Bangkok's pushy nightlife girls and their barfine-hungry employers.

I aired my strongly-held views to a friend last week but, obviously, I was preaching to the converted. Regrettably, the credibility of my sermon was slightly undermined by a frisky go-go dancer who was stuck to me like a hood ornament.

July 26 2006

Cops piss-test Westerners at Bangkok nightclub

bangkok clubwear

Bangkok clubwear

Lively nights out in Bangkok can degenerate into farce if you're unlucky enough to be detained and piss-tested by the Thai police.

Ostensibly a dragnet for drug-users, these heavy-handed nightclub raids are rumoured to occur when the owners are reluctant to 'pay their dues' and I recently heard a first hand account of the humiliating treatment meted out to one blameless Western businessman caught up in last year's now infamous swoop on Bangkok's CM2 nightclub.

The place was buzzing when, suddenly, the lights went on. Dozens of Thai cops had already blocked off the exits and they quickly herded the customers into holding areas.

July 8 2006

Sleazy paintings by Bangkok's Toulouse-Lautrec

chris_coles.jpg

If you see a tormented but watchful figure nursing a bottle of Absinthe in a Bangkok go-go bar, then it's probably nightlife artist Chris Coles.

Chris has been likened to Toulouse-Lautrec, the four-foot syphilitic Frenchman who immortalised the can-can girls of the Moulin Rouge.

July 7 2006

Farang girls get naked in Bangkok

nude

Wouldn't it be great if Thai office girls had mock cat-fights around the photocopier and pulled each others knickers down?

Of course, in most go-go bars, it's all part of the show but, even in this setting, strict rules of conduct apply. Unfortunately, however, overwrought farang girls often think they're exempt.

It's always a mistake for a guy to bring his farang girlfriend into a go-go bar because she'll react in one of two ways. Either she'll become insecure and hostile or she'll become insecure and naked.

For everyone's sake, you have to pray it's not the latter.

June 30 2006

Katoey toilet terror in Nana Plaza

volcano

A couple of ill-advised Soi 4 chicken skewers gave Combover the splats but Nana Plaza isn't the best place to get caught short with a runny bottom.

Leaving no broken lock unturned, our impromptu "mystery shopper" lifted every urine-splashed seat in Nana Plaza's paperless pissoirs to bring us his revealing report.

May 8 2006

After hours at The Grace Hotel

Lawrence of Arabia

Choose wisely my friend but the fat one is mine

Contrary to popular belief, Arab fellas enjoy drinking and womanising every bit as much as we do and, if they can't afford to cut-loose at The Dorchester on London's elegant Park Lane, The Grace Hotel on Bangkok's decrepit Sukhumvit Soi 3 will have to do.

The Grace isn't the force it once was in Bangkok's vibrant after-hours drinking scene but, for those who refuse to swallow the lie that Westerners and Muslims can't get along, it still offers some novel opportunities for night-time adventure.

In the hotel's authentic belly-dancing lounge you'll rarely see a farang face - so you can play Humphrey Bogart in your own private Casablanca.

The Thai femme-fatales are a bit on the chubby side, however, and they certainly don't go for the natural look when applying their makeup. By morning, Van Gogh will have painted your companion's likeness on the pillow - and on a few more surfaces besides, if she's game.

February 10 2006

Break through the glass ceiling at Baccara, Soi Cowboy

Breaking through the glass ceiling at Baccara, Soi Cowboy

Ambitious farang women are always striving get promoted above the glass ceiling but the Thai girls working at Baccara on Soi Cowboy have already achieved this laudable career goal.

January 31 2006

Agent Orange dropped on Spice Girls

Agent Orange dropped on Spice Girls

Last year, a friend drinking in a Phnom Penn bar noticed a baseball cap scampering around between the tables. On closer examination, its owner turned out to have a head, a pair of hands and a pair of feet - but no obvious limbs or torso. This real-life Mr Man was probably the victim of Agent Orange

Judging by the current state of its dancers, Spice Girls on Soi Cowboy has also caught a whiff of the dioxin-laced defoliant. Everyone knows that go-go bars have their ups and downs but Spice Girls seems to be in freefall at the moment.

Their star dancer, known rather uncharitably as The Mong, is a hideous Genghis Khan mini-me with a pudding-bowl haircut. She's living proof of what can happen when cousins fall in love.

Her careers adviser must have been quite an innovator. Of all the occupations suitable for people with special needs, go-go dancing isn't the most obvious.

January 11 2006

The FCUK Inn: Pattaya's funniest signboard

fcuk.jpg

In Pattaya's Soi Bukhao district, the FCUK Inn promises drinkers more than just a cold beer and a hand of cards.

(Spotted by Big Dave).

June 4 2005

Win a date with a Soi Cowboy go-go dancer

Win a date with a Soi Cowboy go-go dancer

While we were out drinking last night, the Mango Sauce Nightlife Correspondent came up with the idea of awarding an exciting prize to the first reader to email us with the real nicknames of our favourite Soi Cowboy go-go dancers - as opposed to the new ones we've invented for them (See "The Rock" exposed as Soi Cowboy go-go dancer).

Under his proposal, one lucky Bangkok barfly would win a fully paid-up date with "The Rock" from Sheba's and, as tradition dictates, the runner-up would win two dates with her.

Sadly, I had to poo-poo the suggestion because, firstly, we haven't got a clue as to what their real names actually are and, secondly, because the Mango Sauce marketing budget barely covers the cost of a heavy-petting session with my Thai landlord's golden retriever.

Apparently, our busy Nightlife Correspondent has also been receiving mail:

Mr. S.B. from Huddersfield writes:

I met my girlfriend and gave her the nickname "Hippo Ears" some months ago. She says she goes out every night to baby sit for her sister. I am beginning to worry. Do you think she is the same "Hippo Ears" who dances in Suzy Wong's?

May 31 2005

"The Rock" exposed as Soi Cowboy go-go dancer

"The Rock" exposed as Soi Cowboy go-go dancer

Recalling the Noi Nok Ning Nung nicky-nacky Noo nicknames of countless Thai go-go dancers can be rather taxing on the memory but my drinking buddies and I have devised a practical solution - we invent new names for them.

Top honours go to "The Rock" from Sheba's and "Edgar Davids" from the Rooster Bar for their uncanny resemblance to the wrestling megastar and the talented Dutch international respectively. It goes without saying they're not very pretty but jaded ex-pats might be tempted to short-time them just for the novelty value.

"Hippo Ears" from Suzy Wong's, on the other hand, is an absolute stunner - and is, presumably, also very easy to get a grip on. A special mention must also go to "Coat-Hanger Girl" from the same bar - upon whose nipples you could effortlessly hang out your washing.

I'm also acquainted with a shameless show-off who sometimes performs a rather brazen act on my thumb. One of my fun-loving chums calls her "Miss Lizard Girl" - and he explains why below - but I usually refer to her as "That Monster-Girl from The Ring" because she resembles a half-decomposed mop-haired corpse dredged-up from the bottom of a well... in a strangely sexy kind of way.

After an exhausting night of moving tiles around the board Mango Sauce's Scrabble team retired to its favourite bar. The usual suspects were dancing there including our favourite "Miss Lizard Girl" who spends most of her time crawling along the bar waving her delicious rump behind her.

August 12 2004

Farang refused sex by go-go dancer

Farang refused sex by go-go dancer

When the drinks prices go up in Nana Plaza's go-go bars, some farangs vote with their feet - or say that they will. In reality, though, the beer costs just three times what it does in 7/11 and the view is considerably better.

It's just another example of pampered ex-pats whining about the hardships of living in bloke-heaven (See Stop whining you jammy farang bastard). A quick trip to Farangland might lower their expectations a little.

Last year, a Hong Kong-based mate of mine visited a New York lap-dancing club for the first time. He loves his sleaze and never asks the price.

Two cocktails and a bottle of chilled Champagne later, one of the plastic-titted Barbie dolls led him to a VIP room. She explained that they could enjoy intimate conversation and a private show. "When do we get down to business?" he asked.

Barbie looked at him as if he'd gone mad. She made it abundantly clear that he wasn't going to touch her, let alone shag her. He told her to forget it and, after settling the exorbitant bill, went back to his hotel room for a lonely wank.

July 23 2004

PACI bar girl identification guide

PACI bar girl identification guide

Our friends at the Professional Association of Carnal Inspectors (See PACI bar girl evaluation form) have published another research paper. Steve tells me that, after years of painstaking study, his colleague "The Reveler" has finally arrived at a taxonomy of the various species of bar girl to be found in Asia. These are his findings.

Sharks: The hardened professionals, they hunt in pairs or packs. Smart dressers, skilful users of make-up, they have X-ray vision that would make Superman weep and can spot their prey across a crowded bar with uncanny accuracy. They move in quickly and silently for the kill. English rarely gets beyond the "what you name, you buy me drink, you go home same me" stage.

'QuickFit' merchants: [Named after the well-known UK car repair company that guarantees to replace your brakes, exhaust and/or tires in less than ten minutes]. Usually slim, attractive, and sexy, they ooze lust. But when you get them into the hotel room, they're out of their clothes and into bed faster than a grand-prix tire change. They haven't even heard of foreplay, and as soon as you've come they've gone - usually straight back to their bar of choice to line up the next victim.

Derelicts: Older girls who are past their shelf-date, they home in on anyone with whom they have - or think they have - an acquaintance, to cadge money for taxi, rent, sick child, sick parent, kid's school-fees, house repairs, phone bill etc. Some display the remnants of bygone beauty, but many are now so brawny they could make a new career in the WWF.

July 19 2004

Rude Thai girls foiled by phone jammer

Rude Thai bar girls foiled by phone jammer

Persistent night time phone calls can turn a pleasurable nighttime diversion into an infuriating ordeal. Some girls even take calls during sex. It might be one of her many boyfriends but the chances are that it's just one of her even more numerous mates wanting to chew the fat. Mango Sauce reader, Bri, is sick of this constant irritation.

How do you keep those girls from making and receiving phone calls in the ferking room all night long! They won't turn them off! Farangs need a small cheap device to immobilise their phones. Please where can you get a jammer to screw their phone up?

Using technology originally developed to prevent terrorists from detonating bombs by mobile phone, cheap phone jammers are now available to anyone with a couple of hundred dollars to spare. They are no bigger than a mobile phone and some are disguised to look like one.

If you carry the device in your pocket, all phones within about a 10 meter radius will be disabled. Back in the hotel room, you and your puzzled bar girl will enjoy blissful peace and quiet - and uninterrupted sex. It also works well in restaurants and train carriages.

Phone jammers work by broadcasting a radio signal at the same frequency as a mobile phone. The local signal strength falls to zero and our impolite bar girl assumes that she's in a dead-spot. The various phone networks operate at different frequencies so, to jam all of them, the device must broadcast on all these frequencies simultaneously. They vary from region to region so it's important to purchase a device designed to operate in your own country. The specification for Thailand is 800 CDMA/AMPS; GSM (900/1800).

June 6 2004

Patpong go-go double trouble

Patpong go-go double trouble

My evil Siamese twin trawls Bangkok's seedy go-go bars every night, takes girls two at a time and shags them to within an inch of their lives. He's also got a massive cock and loads of money. I know this because many of them think that I'm him - and my popularity has soared as a result.

Last month, the flash git whisked a Soi Cowboy go-go dancer off for a dream holiday in Phuket. He said he'd phone her when she got back to Bangkok but, naturally, he didn't. When I was walking down Soi Cowboy last week, the furious little minx grabbed hold of me and launched into a tirade of abuse. By an extraordinary stroke of luck, I was rescued from this awkward predicament by a passing elephant.

The angry little fists pounding on my chest were unexpectedly brushed aside by its gigantic trunk. The playful pachyderm lifted me off my feet for a couple of seconds before presenting me to his handler. "He hungry" the man explained, holding out a 20 baht bag of cucumbers. Thank Christ they're not carnivores.

We ended up in Patpong - where I was immediately accosted by another of the guy's conquests. She pleaded with me to take her and her mate for round two. Out of curiosity, I asked her what had happened the first time. Apparently, my dodgy doppelganger took them back to his fancy hotel room and totally monstered them for eight hours - and they loved every minute of it.

She became quite flushed as she described the night's events and, after a few minutes of frotting herself, she guided my hand into her knickers to show off her aroused state. The big-cocked bastard had obviously made quite an impression on her.

April 5 2004

Patpong's secret toll-booth

Patpong's secret toll-booth

When Patpong closes for the night, all the taxis mysteriously vanish. Elsewhere in the city, however, they are so plentiful that their red "for hire" lights could be mistaken for a swarm of fire-flies. It seems that Patpong is a red-light district in name only.

Unless you want to get ripped off by the surly blackmailers who park nearby, finding a taxi-driver willing to use the meter usually means a 10 minute walk. Your Thai companion will, of course, act like you'd asked her to ascend Everest without oxygen.

Last week, I uncovered the secret of Patpong's taxi-drought - and it's nothing to do with late-night congestion. My informant was that rarest of all species - an honest Patpong taxi-driver. Like an exotic migratory bird blown off course, he had ended up in Patpong by accident - and, amazingly, his light was on.

March 20 2004

Thai cops shut CM2 nightclub for 30 days

Thai cops shut CM2 nightclub for 30 days

CM2 nightclub, in the basement of the Siam Square Novotel, is the favourite hunting-ground of Bangkok's high-class hookers. They will have to find somewhere else to sell their provocative arses this month, though, because the Thai cops raided the place on Thursday and shut it down for 30 days.

If you report a crime in any country, the police are usually far too busy to investigate. However, if a case involves sex and beautiful women, they will be queuing 10-deep for a sniff of the action. Fans of Starsky and Hutch will recall that no police station scene was ever complete without a scantily-clad hooker being manhandled in the background.

Thai cops are no different, of course. Despite the absence of victims, they love to cruise nightlife venues, investigating "crimes" committed by sexy girls. Interestingly, though, they save their biggest collective hard-on for Russian hookers. The Thai press loves them too - particularly when the arresting officers organise humiliating nude photo sessions. CM2 is famous for it's Russian freelancers so, despite it being owned by an MP from the ruling Thai Rak Thai Party, the cops must have been aching to burst in.

February 18 2004

The Cave gets raided by Thai police

The Cave gets raided by Thai police

Uniform night at Bangkok's premier fetish club took on a whole new meaning last night when The Cave was raided by Thai police. Risking a spanking, Deputy Interior Minister Pracha Maleenond led the raid himself.

The Minister was shocked to discover mild acts of S&M being performed by women dressed in school uniform. When I was there a fortnight ago, I have to admit that I was shocked too - the girls were all mingers (See The Cave: First fetish bar in Thailand).

Unused condoms and beds discovered on an upper floor were said to be evidence of prostitution. It might be hard to prove in Court, though, because every bedroom in Thailand contains exactly the same things.

December 24 2003

Hugh Grant flees Tilac Bar, Soi Cowboy

Hugh Grant flees Tilac Bar, Soi Cowboy

Hugh Grant in jail

This week, foppish actor Hugh Grant, 43, was spotted fleeing Tilac Bar in Soi Cowboy with his hands clamped over his crown-jewels. He had been trying to enjoy the show incognito but was recognised by a couple of horny go-go dancers.

They leapt from the stage to give him a proper mauling but, as they tried to grab his willy, the upper-crust thespian bolted for the door. Tilac dancer Tippawan, 23, said "The girls were dancing to One Night in Bangkok. They jumped from the stage and went straight for him together with the others. Hugh clutched himself with his hands. He would have been a good catch but I guess he did not feel comfortable."

It's no surprise that Hugh did a runner. The last time a prostitute grabbed his cock, he ended up in jail. This mugshot dates back to June 27, 1995 when he was arrested for getting blown-off in a car by LA hooker, Divine Brown.

Hugh is in Thailand filming the sequel to Bridget Jones's Diary.

December 17 2003

Tony's Pattaya: Nightmare on Walking Street

Tony's Pattaya: Nightmare on Walking Street

If you're rich, dumb and horny, be sure to visit Tony's Entertainment Complex on Walking Street, Pattaya. There, you will find hundreds of freelance Thai hookers who want to meet you before you wise-up. Last week, I visited Tony's to see if it was as awful as I remembered.

Tony's is probably the most expensive bar in Thailand. It's definitely the most infuriating. Hundreds of annoying waiters bother you every 60 seconds (no exaggeration) offering drinks, cigarettes, flowers, photos, cigars and tequila slammers. These human mosquitoes don't understand the meaning of "fuck off."

At 310 baht a pitcher, Tony's home brew is the cheapest drink available. If you want to make one beer last all night then order this. It's the worst pint I've ever tasted in my entire adult life. It really is.

December 3 2003

Secrets of Thai bar girl pay revealed

Secrets of Thai bar girl pay revealed

Thai bar girl at work

How much do Thai bar girls get paid? Here are their terms and conditions - plus those of brothel workers and massage girls too. The benefits package isn't very tempting but, on the plus side, they get to meet lots of interesting new people.

Bar girls

Bar girls' salaries range from 2,000 to 6,000 baht per month. Here are some of their work rules.

  • Only two days off permitted a month, or they must pay 300 baht a day for extra leave days.
  • No leave permitted on Fridays, Saturdays and national holidays. Otherwise, fines range from 500 to 1,000 baht a day.
  • Must go out with the clients four to 10 times a month or pay fine of 500 baht for each missed quota.
  • Must sell 80-100 drinks to clients or pay 30 baht a drink for the missed quota.
  • Must have health check-up every three months. If the blood test is positive for sexually transmitted diseases, they will not get the salary for that month.
  • Must wear the outfits arranged by the bars or pay the fine of 100 to 200 baht.
  • Must not use the clients' restrooms.
  • Must not eat during work hours.
  • Must buy own drinking water.

November 23 2003

Taking the piss on Soi Cowboy

Taking the piss on Soi Cowboy

On Friday night, the piss-testers were out in force on Soi Cowboy. Perhaps acting on a leak, hundreds of Thai policemen swarmed through the bars. Dozens of invited journalists and cameramen had answered the call to watch. The authorities must have given them a tinkle in advance.

The cops were backed up by a mobile lab and a squad of piss-takers. Of course, urine big trouble if you test positive for drugs. Paying for the problem to go away could leave you without a pot to piss in.

Incredibly, the welcome girls were still trying to entice us in but, not wishing to make a splash on the front page of the Bangkok Post, we decided to head off to Nana Plaza instead - even though it's piss poor these days. The indignity of being make to Koh Pee Pee on a public street had no place in our Friday night line-up.

I'm not going to launch into the predictable diatribe about the Thai police neglecting their duties in favour of harassing tourists. Their political masters obviously benefit from the resulting media circus. If the Thais want to sacrifice their tourist industry on the altar of domestic politics, then it's entirely up to them. They seem to make a habit of pissing on their own chips.

November 12 2003

Patpong: Putting the sex into Thai tourism

Patpong: Putting the sex into Thai tourism

Patpong gogo dancers

For many tourists, taking in a lewd show is the Bangkok equivalent of visiting the Eiffel Tower. I had some curious mates over last year, so I took them to one of Patpong's seedy upstairs bars. These venues are the elephant's graveyard of go-go dancers - a final resting place for the old and feeble. First up was a dreadful old boiler who shoved a banana up her twat. Things only got worse when the dancers came on.

With her wasted body and sunken cheeks, one girl resembled the evil cartoon villain, Skeletor. Her ghoulish appearance was enhanced by some horrendous prison tattoos - crude faces carved into her thighs. She latched onto one of my horrified mates, ignoring his pleas for her to let go. She wanted money first. I told her to fuck off and called the mamasan over. It took three women to drag her away.

Patpong is famous for its tourist rip-offs as well as it's ping-pong balls. Most ex-pats prefer to party in Nana Plaza or Soi Cowboy but there's plenty of fun to be had in Patpong for those willing to make the effort.

November 2 2003

What she says and what she means #3

I work here one week

October 31 2003

10 ways to keep Thai bar girls happy

10 ways to keep Thai bar girls happy

1. Alcohol

Your demur Thai bar girl sweetheart will drink you under the table. However, she won't be satisfied with cheap local brands. Only costly imported beverages hit the spot. A huge duty-free bottle of Bailey's is the one thing that might stop her slaughtering your mini-bar.

2. Sweet shit

Thai bar girls love sugary snacks because prancing around that chromium pole and shagging all your mates requires a lot of energy. Let her shovel it in but remember to dump her before the dental bills arrive.

3. Seafood

Thai food is cheap and delicious but don't expect to taste any. Your Thai bar girl will go seafood-crazy when you foot the bill. Even when already gorged with sweet shit, she can still take on a blue whale. Try to keep smiling when she tells her friends to order whatever they want.

October 9 2003

Don't quote me #3

Do you do the handjobs?

October 5 2003

Make a tit of yourself in a Thai gogo bar

Make a tit of yourself in a Thai gogo bar

Dancers taking to the chromium pole in a Thai gogo bar

Did you wai your favourite Thai gogo dancer, finger her or take to the chromium pole yourself? Congratulations, you've just made a tit of yourself in a Thai gogo bar. Whether you are a Bangkok first-timer or a seasoned regular bewitched by the beer fairy, here are a few tips and tricks to get you noticed.

For Thais, the prayer-like gesture known as a wai is not so much a greeting as a gesture of respect reserved for their boss or perhaps a monk. Get your evening off to a flying start by giving a cringe-making wai to every gogo dancer. Break down Thailand's rigid class barriers with your sincere display of friendship and equality - the sort of equality where you get to subject them to various sexual indignities later.

If you are a Patpong tourist, don't forget to bring your wife along too. The disapproving glare of an old trout with the missionary smile frozen on her face is exactly what every Thai gogo bar needs. Act like a giggling buffoon with the girls but ignore her completely. As she leads you out, hang back for as long as you can to say goodbye.

In the toilets you will see a notice offering a 49% stake in the bar. Your life savings seem like a small price to pay for entry into the ranks of Bangkok's seedy elite. In a few weeks time you will be riding around in a pink Cadillac with a stable of Thai hookers. That's what the other 20 guys who bought a 49% share thought too.

September 12 2003

Don't quote me #1

Noi finally found a job in a blowjob bar

September 10 2003

Liar liar, pants on fire!

Liar liar pants on fire

Her knickers went up like a roman candle

Fun-loving Thai ladies have a well-deserved reputation for telling the odd fib but their knickers rarely burst into flames as a result. For a mate of mine, however, this was all about to change.

With a night of fun in mind, he picked up a cute dancer from Nana Plaza and took her back to his hotel. In the bar, she had been quite happy to parade around naked in front of half the world. In the room, however, she was overcome with shyness. No amount of fiddling could create a lighting effect subtle enough for her.

Eventually, she created a soothing glow by slipping her lacy knickers over the wall-light. The ambiance was now judged sufficiently romantic for their tryst to begin. My friend was thrilled to discover that his date went like a train but his pleasure was short-lived. Whilst attending to the matter in hand, both had failed to notice that her undies were beginning to smoulder. Suddenly, they went up like a roman candle.

September 4 2003

Egg-head proves Thai bar girls are all evil

A top mathematician from Bangkok's prestigious Chulalongkorn University revealed today that Thai bar girls are all evil.

Egg-head proves Thai bar girls are all evil

The numbers certainly add up but it only confirms what western visitors have known for years.

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