August 25 2006
How do the Thais stereotype us?
I nearly pissed myself laughing when I learned that the Thais refer to England as "Muang poo dee" - the land of high-class people.
Alighting from their vintage Bentley, the first English visitors to Thailand might well have resembled Sir John Gielgud and Dame Judy Dench but, these days, our most visible ambassadors are drunken chav meatheads taking a break from mugging old ladies before returning home, via the Immigration Detention Centre, courtesy of the British taxpayer.
The Thais have a colourful alternative name for most important countries around the world and, today, we learn what they are:
August 24 2006
Thai insults: Is "farang" a racial slur?
When a Thai bargirl called him "farang," one meathead from England was so incensed that he beat her unconscious.
"Farang" actually means "Caucasian" - it's completely neutral - but the tourist who passed judgment with his fists could quite accurately be called "a total cunt."
Coming from a culture where racial labels usually double as insults, many Westerners don't appreciate that the Thais have both polite and impolite words to describe us.
Today, we learn what they are:
August 9 2006
Thailand bans "good penetration" condoms
A condom brand named after popular country singer Tom Dundee was, today, banned by the Thai Culture Ministry because, in Thai, Dundee means "good penetration."
"It's ambiguous, boastful and provocative," explained a Ministry spokesman.
Tom, whose real name is Puntiva Poomiprates, should take revenge by changing his first name to Jim - which, in Thai, means "vagina."
If you google "Jim Dundee," you'll find an Aussie bloke who reckons that he's quite the prison reformer but what Jimbo doesn't realise is that his name means "good vagina penetration" in Thai.
July 12 2006
Thailand's impotent pornstar
Even without the strategically placed tomatoes, Thailand's "long aubergine" (ma-khua yaow) is the undisputed pornstar of the fruit and vegetable world. It's unrivalled attention to detail makes the cocky banana look like a hopeless amateur.
However, despite its impressive dimensions, the long aubergine has become synonymous with male impotence - and it's all down to the earthy humour of Thai country folk.
June 21 2006
Thai girl looking for a fuck
When your Thai girlfriend is looking for a fuck, she'll probably find one at Tops Supermarket.
If she hasn't scored a decent fuck after a quick cruise of the isles, the bloke behind the vegetable counter can probably help.
Known in the West as a winter melon, the tasty Thai fuck is typically served up in soups and curries. For potato-craving westerners, it's not a bad substitute.
I love the stuff but ordering gairng fuck gai (literally "curry fuck chicken") always sets me off into fits of laughter. What makes it worse is that I've got a chum called Mr. Curry and I wouldn't put it past him.
Bangkok's long-suffering waitresses probably know me as "The one with Tourette's Syndrome."
June 12 2004
Fluent Thai in just 30 seconds
Impress the locals without even opening a boring phrase book. Today we learn how to speak fluent Thai in just 30 seconds.
Air: Air con
Apart-men: Apartment
Arap: Arab
Ayt-cream: Ice cream
Bar: Bar
Beer: Beer
Boom boom: boom boom
Cee-dee: CD
Coh-cain: Cocaine
Com-piu-ter: Computer
Condo: Condo
Condom: Condom
Da-wid Bek-hairm: David Beckham
Dow: Down (cash deposit)
Dee-wee-dee: DVD
E-mai: Email
Fut-born: Football
Furni-ture: Furniture
Gan-jah: Ganja
Gay: Gay
Gin Tonic: Gin & Tonic
Gof: Golf
Green Tea: Green Tea
Hello: Hello (when answering phone)
Internet: Internet
Lesbian show: Lesbian show
April 8 2004
FHM: Entertaining Thai translations
The Bangkok Post's Thai translation lessons are written by a lady who covers issues such as baking rice cakes or making offerings to the monks. I've yet to read one that's even slightly relevant to my life.
Lad-mag, FHM, is more to my taste. There isn't a monk or a rice cake in sight. FHM publishes different editions in each country - including Thailand. Most of the articles are recycled, so comparing the Thai language version to an English language version yields plenty of useful translations (See: Jordan bares all).
March 24 2004
Learn Thai & woo Thai girls
Speak Thai and you'll be beating them off with a shitty stick.
When I arrived in Bangkok for the first time, I'd already completed the ubiquitous Linguaphone Thai Course and was thrilled to discover that I could bother Thai women in their own language. This was all the more remarkable given that I studied French at school for 8 years and could barely say "bonjour".
There were a few upsets along the way, though. The first time I spoke Thai for real was at a Thai restaurant in London. Naturally, I was keen to shine and ordered for everyone. The waitress stared at me in blank incomprehension. She was Malaysian and I had just made a complete tit of myself.
When playing pool, I used to envy the farang guys who could chalk their names up in Thai. It was these showboating tossers who gave me the incentive to learn how to read and write. The Linguaphone course includes a slim booklet that gets you literate in just 12 lessons. It's a minimalist work of genius. I was confidently reading and writing Thai after just 2 weeks. I still don't chalk my name up in Thai though. For those who suspect that I'm a wanker, this would be providing written proof.
February 6 2004
Nicknames of Thai girls translated
If a Thai girl is shy about telling you what her nickname means, she might have a good reason. Thai children are officially named by a Buddhist monk when they are at least 30 days old. In the meantime, their parents give them a nickname - and it usually sticks.
The Thais are a superstitious race. To protect their children from the envious attention of demons, Thai parents tend to choose nicknames that are unremarkable or downright unflattering. A pencil-thin Thai girl could live her whole life being called fatty (Uan).
Here are the meanings of the most common nicknames for Thai girls. Is your favourite Thai girl amongst them?
January 4 2004
Besta CyberDict IV: Thai-English dictionary
I always struggle with ordinary Thai-English dictionaries because I can't remember the order of the 46-letter Thai alphabet. Last week, I solved the problem by buying an electronic dictionary. Its keypad closely resembles a bilingual computer keyboard so all I have to do is type. It's cut my translation times down by about 90%.
The Besta CyberDict IV contains 9 famous-name dictionaries - including both Thai-English and English-Thai. They aren't crappy cut-down versions either. It also has loads of PDA-style functions that I can't be bothered to use. The device is no bigger than a pocket calculator so, unlike a paper dictionary, I can carry it everywhere.
Of course, it isn't much use unless you can read Thai. If you want to learn, I would recommend the self-study Thai course from Linguaphone (See Learn Thai & woo Thai girls).
The Besta CyberDict IV is available from concession stands in leading Bangkok department stores.
December 13 2003
Thai: An essential grammar
Learning Thai from bar girls is jolly good fun but, if you end up talking like a hillbilly hooker, other Thais won't be too impressed. Chatting up a respectable girl with the Thai equivalent of "You girl good heart. Where you stay? Sleep alone no good!" will get you precisely nowhere. It's time to jettison the slang and take some grammar lessons.
Very few books teach Thai beyond beginner level. Thai: An essential grammar by David Smyth is, so far, the only decent one that I've found. It's also concise and user-friendly. Despite its lofty academic credentials, the book is straightforward and jargon-free. The correct use of grammar is demonstrated through numerous examples. Guidance on pronunciation, speech conventions and the Thai writing system is also included.
I'm a big fan of David Smyth. One of the world's top Thai language experts, he teaches at the School of Oriental and African Studies in London. I've already reviewed his basic Thai course - Teach yourself Thai: A complete course for beginners. He is also the co-author of the excellent Linguaphone Thai course.
December 2 2003
Oxford-Duden Pictorial Thai & English Dictionary
Imagine that you were asked to describe to a Thai audience the technical failures that lead to the Challenger space shuttle disaster. If you tried to look up "recoverable solid rocket booster" in a normal English-Thai dictionary, you would get absolutely nowhere. Only the Oxford-Duden pictorial dictionary could help.
November 27 2003
Selling laughs to Thai bar girls
When you need a rest from the attentions of your Thai sweetheart, buy her a comic book like Kăi H??ar?? (Sell Laughs). You might find it interesting too. It's ideal for learning Thai and understanding Thai attitudes. Do you get the joke on the front cover? Be warned - it's not very PC.
November 16 2003
Heart talk: Say what you feel in Thai
Best known for his thrillers, Thailand-based writer Christopher G Moore has ventured into non-fiction to give us a fascinating insight into how Thais describe their feelings with their hearts.
In English we have a few expressions like soft or hard hearted but Thais take their heart phrases much more seriously. Their hearts can be black, cool, diamond, dry, lost, open, merged etc and hundreds of other variations. Moore's book explains 330. It also illustrates the gestures that accompany them.
Thais are never at a loss for an exact heart phrase. However, no Thai/English dictionary covers their full range and subtlety. With its careful descriptions and practical examples, Moore's book comprehensively fills the gap.
October 11 2003
Jordan bares all
Recently voted second worst Briton of all time, glamour girl Jordan is best known for her huge comedy breasts and B-list celebrity boyfriends. She revealed all to FHM Magazine last month. Now we can be titillated again - in Thai.
FHM: Why does Dane Bowers still get so annoyed when he's asked about you?
Tammai Dane Bowers tƒïung yang chun y??o weylah mee kon tƒÉhm r?™uang kun.
Jordan: He's a very bitter and twisted guy. I don't know what his problem is.
K?°o pen p?¥ochai t?™e k?èmk?®un l?© s? ps?èn n?¢ chan m?¢i r??o w?¢a panhƒÉh k?èrng k?°o keu arai.
FHM: Maybe because you told the press he had a tiddler?
? ht pen pr??r kun b??rk nƒÉngsƒïupim w?¢h n??rgchai k?°o l?©k n??t dee-o m?°ng.
September 24 2003
Ass-kicked by a girl
In Jackass: The movie, stuntman Ryan Dunn fights Double-K world women's lightweight champion Kumagai Naoka. Naturally, she kicks his ass. Now she does it again in Thai.
Dunn: I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girl.
Chan j? dt?® ??rk bpai j? hk p?¥oyƒ?ng.
September 22 2003
Teach yourself Thai: A complete course for beginners
Many low-cost books claim to offer a complete Thai language course for beginners but, in my view, this is the only one that does the job properly.
The author, David Smyth, is one of the world's top Thai language experts. He teaches at the School of Oriental and African Studies in London and is also the co-author of the excellent Linguaphone Thai Course (See Learn Thai & woo Thai girls). His approach is well thought out and accurate. Most other courses look amateurish in comparison.
The book is suitable for both beginners and intermediate learners. It has 15 graded units of dialogues, culture notes, grammar and exercises plus a Thai-English vocabulary, a pronunciation guide and lessons on how to read and write in Thai too. It covers about 30% of the same ground as the Linguaphone Thai Course and is much cheaper. If you don't want to splash out for the best, this is a reasonable alternative.
September 1 2003
James Belushi gets hooked on virgin pussy
Oliver Stone's classic film Salvador has Boyle (James Woods) drunk at the wheel, selling the country's seedy virtues to Doc (James Belushi). Lets enjoy the scene again - but this time in Thai.
Boyle: You're gonna love it here, Doc.
Nai j? dt?¥rng ch?¥rp t?™e n?™e, Doc.
Doc: I'm going home, man.
Chan j? gl? p b?¢hn, p?™uan.
Boyle: You can drive drunk and get anyone killed for fifty bucks.
Nai mao l?°ir-o k? p r??t, chon kon dtai l?°ir-o j? i h?¢h-s?¨p rƒ?an d?¢i.
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
