June 27 2006

Turn your PC into a good girl

godot

Like Norton Security, Thai bar girls tend to pop up when they're not wanted and, like McAfee Antivirus, they're always demanding money but at least they don't try to finish your sentences like MS Word.

Turning a bar girl into a good girl isn't easy but performing the same transformation on your computer is a breeze and, as we all know, good girls do it for free.

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MS Office vs. Open Office

MS Word is a train-wreck.

Every "improvement" they've made over the last 10 years has ratcheted-up the fury-factor. When that stupid paperclip isn't banging on your screen, it's getting up to all sorts of mischief behind the scenes.

I used to spend half my working day undoing its "corrections" but disabling Word's "advanced" features is a futile gesture because they always find a way to switch themselves back on again.

Open Office's "Writer" harks back to gentler and more cultivated times when Western girls were slim and word processors did what they were told. It looks and feels like an old version of MS Word - before Microsoft gave it attitude.

Writer also opens, edits and saves Word documents - so it's the perfect substitute.

The eggheads at NASA will probably want to hang on to Excel but those of us who just want to keep a few accounts will appreciate the simplicity of Open Office's "Calc" spreadsheet. Naturally, it works just fine with Excel files.

Open Office also offers replacements for PowerPoint and Access etc. but, personally, I rarely use them.

Did I mention that Open Office is free?

http://download.openoffice.org

Defeat viruses

Good virus protection is essential these days but both Norton and McAfee's offerings have become bloated and intrusive.

All I want is virus protection. I don't want my computer's resources squandered on hiding banner ads, protecting children from naughty photos and Christ knows what else.

AVG Anti-Virus is an industrial-strength virus-buster that personal users can download for free.

http://free.grisoft.com

The only price you pay for lean and unobtrusive virus protection is a "Checked by AVG Free Edition" message appended to your outgoing emails.

Banish spyware

As computer geeks everywhere can testify, Microsoft is currently the world's largest provider of free software and its anti-spyware offering, Windows Defender, is one of the best.

www.microsoft.com

Free international phone calls

In the unlikely event that you haven't already downloaded Skype, please do so today. You owe it to yourself.

Computer to computer calls via the Internet are free and you can also dial ordinary phones for pennies.

To get the English language commentary for the World Cup, one farang bloke called up his dad in the UK via Skype and had him tape his handset to the TV. The full ninety minutes cost him just $1.50.

If you've got a webcam, you can also make Star Trek-style video calls.

www.skype.com

Battle of the browsers

Firefox is simply a better browser than the ubiquitous but aging Internet Explorer 6.0.

www.mozilla.com/firefox

Perfect photos

My recent run-in with Google hasn't diminished my admiration for their free Picasa photo-editing software. The interface is so cute that, if it was a Thai girl, she'd be a waitress at the Q-Bar.

http://picasa.google.com

Clean up the crap

Like bar girls, many programs are messy in their personal habits - leaving your hard drive littered with temp files, log files, file caches and all manner of other crap that never gets deleted and ultimately slows your computer down.

The resulting mess resembles a Pattaya hotel room the morning after.

When you run it for the first time, Crap Cleaner (now politely renamed CCleaner) will clean up hundreds of megabytes of shite but leave the important stuff well alone.

It's like room-service for your PC.

www.ccleaner.com

Footnote

With Pantip Plaza just around the corner, it goes without saying that I could pick up a cheap pirated CD of just about any application on the market.

I don't use the free stuff out of virtue, however. I choose it because it's better.

When you add free broadband into the mix, your PC's transformation from leery slapper to purring good girl is complete - and you didn't even have to pay a dowry.

[Posted to Internet by David]

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Readers' comments

Bigguy says:

I have been using most of these programs for since beta days.
Open Office - such a pleasure to work with compared to the rubbish that MS now calls office.
AVG - updates mroe regularly than the commercial offers, uses less memory, is faster and never have any hangs or freezes from it (take that Norton)
Firefox vs IE - like comapring day care to university, time for your browser to grow up
Spyware - I use spybot S&D (http://www.download.com/Spybot-Search-Destroy/3000-8022-10122137.html) make sure you get it from a reliable source, one of the original and it allows you to 'armour' your computer from future infections - and free.

Again I use these programs because they are better, russian websites provide me with anything I want for free but I still choose these.

June 27, 2006 11:54 PM

Anonymous says:

I agree in principle with most of what you said, but of course none of those Open Source and free programs are perfect. For instance, although I like Open Office Write, it can't do change tracking and commenting, two essential features for collaboration with co-workers.

But if all a fella wants to do is write a few simple memos it works fine. For most people, like my mom or my sister Open Office is all they ever need.

June 28, 2006 12:28 AM

meister says:

Get a Mac... problem solved really. Mine doesn't mind me having two and I can still go whoring on PC's when I want.

June 28, 2006 3:53 AM

Smallguy says:

@ Bigguy

Openoffice does changes tracking perfectly (you find it in menu/edit).

And it is also much better than MS Office for professional/corporate work. It has much less bugs. I.ex: MS Office has bugs that make it unusable (upto v. 2003) The bullet points/numbering bug is still here after so many years. Try to work on a complex document with bullet points/numbering and try to change the bullets... it will destroy your page styles. I am losing hours and nights with it.

MS Office is full of bugs and is actually only good for simple documents (I say this after more than 10 years working with complex/professional documents)

Open office, in comparison, just works and *gets things done*.

June 28, 2006 6:59 AM

Mr Lucky says:

As a Mac user (with a shining halo and farts that smell like fresh strawberries), I have none of these problems. No viruses, no need for third-party security software, no crap to clean up, no defrags, with a decent browser (safari), a great photo editor, and even the malefic Microsoft Office has been muzzled in its Mac OS incarnation. Kill the paperclip and it stays dead.

I appreciate your posting, though. Reading this kind of stuff makes me feel a lot better about the immense wad of cash I laid out to buy my Powerbook. Sniff.....aaahhhh, strawberry.

June 28, 2006 11:57 AM

Pierre Loti says:

Of course, you could give your girl a complete makeover by installing Ubuntu, a free user-friendly Linux distribution.

Ubuntu comes with Open Office and other useful software packages pre-installed. It runs quickly on older systems and should automatically detect and support your wi-fi card. No need to worry about viruses or spyware.

Just go to http://www.ubuntu.com, download and burn an installation CD, or ask them to mail you a copy for free.

June 28, 2006 12:50 PM

Mr. Networking says:

I agree with most of these comments but definitely don't use Skype. This is a terribly intrusive company, and by simply loading the software you give them unlimited rights to use your internet connection for anything they want. That's right boys and girls. The minute you install Skype you agree to let them use your bandwidth for any service they want to offer. Read the fine print.

Why would they want to do this you ask? There is a technical problem in the networking world called symmetric NAT. 2 computers both using internet connections with symmetric NAT can not talk directly to one another. Skype will probe your internet connection to determine if you are one of the 50% who don't have a symmetric NAT connection. If it finds you have a more tolerant internet connection, you will be used as a relay node. Ebay can not use your bandwidth to offer any service they want.

There is a reason Ebay paid $2 billion for these guys, and it had little to do with a few million telephone calls. Ebay bought more than a terabit of free bandwidth...your bandwidth. You gave it to them. Remember, the Skype guys came from the peer to peer world. They understood these problems and they engineered a solution for unsuspecting consumers.

There are many SIP based telecom services that don't steal your bandwidth. Free World Dialup is one. There are countless other.

Don't use Skype. Just say no to these criminals.

June 28, 2006 12:52 PM

pat says:

yeah... go apple mac, and you'll never go back.

it is ridiculous what you m$ windows users are prepared to put up with!

forget all the rubbish you heard about macs. yes, the price tag is higher than that of a windows pc (although some highly regarded pc gurus are not so sure anymore since the arrival of the intel macs), but it comes with all the software you'll ever need pre-installed (= legal), and you will be more productive (= save money) since you won't have to do as much maintenance (updating virus defs and the likes).

even my windows addicted mates admit that apple macs are better if all you want to do is work and be productive. well: who wants to be a system administrator? a computer's a tool that should help, not cause a million more headaches.

over the past three years, three friends switched to mac. the one thing they regret? that they didn't do it a lot earlier.

June 28, 2006 12:52 PM

Mac says:

For bar girl enthusiasts, Open Orifice would seem to be a natural choice.

June 28, 2006 3:02 PM

Larry says:

I have a Pantip special windows 2000 Pro, use Mcafee and have 2463 blocked. I also use True Hi-speed but keep getting Warnings about Registry repair wanting me to log on to regpinpro or myregfix. Can any one tell me how to get rid of this giant pain?

July 2, 2006 11:59 AM

ozricdan says:

can anyone tell me what a softwrap error is when windows xp professional loads up..........?

ps. david ive begun using dreamweaver program and its getting on my tits, do u know anything about it.

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Hi Ozricdan

I use Dreamweaver 8. What do you need to know?

Regards
David

March 5, 2007 10:46 PM

ozricdan says:

Hi David thanks for your reply, anyway I have a few problems with dream weaver such as………………

Creating vertical lines, bullet lists, thumbnails and borders for pictures and videos.

How do I make my photographs open up on a new page, not just a silly little box in front of the present page?

How do I condense the video size window like in youtube when the video plays?
Or can I have the video open up in a new page but keep the video box the same size as youtube.

Is there a language tool in dream weaver that can translate English to various European languages?

Thanks David I hope you can help because I don’t know anyone at present who knows dream weaver well actually I do but I never can get hold of them, anyway I saw your topic and thought I would try your site.

Welcome back, mango sauce is addictive.

Daniel

ozricdan@hotmail.com

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Hi Ozricdan

For bullets and borders etc, you need a basic knowledge of HTML and CSS:

http://www.w3schools.com

Dreamweaver won't translate for you but Babel Fish will:

http://babelfish.altavista.com/

Regards
David

March 6, 2007 8:30 PM

ozricdan says:

david...

i love the new heading fonts....anyway got my site nearly done, i never knew there was so much to web-design but can you tell me how you got banner gifs on your links page and how do i create a comments page, when you get a moment.

thanks....

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Hi Ozricdan

The banner gifs come from the websites that I link to.

If you want to accept comments, you'll need an off-the-shelf blogging package. I recommend either Movable Type or WordPress.

Regards
David

April 18, 2007 12:09 AM

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