June 21 2004

Masie's dramatic soft toy confession

After our little run-in last week (See My never-ending rants about farang women), Masie, the British farang female Bangkok-based blogger who writes masiepullsitoff has decided to open her heart to me.

It becomes boring to meet farang men and have them wink, nudge and say things like "you must be gasping for it", and a little frustrating when every discussion comes down to whether or not I'm getting any. The joke is a little worn, don't you think? And can't quite agree with Dave that everything he writes is "gentle parody". Remember this?

"There is, however, some hope for our sex-starved farang chicks with attitude. A few thrifty guys have plugged into this niche market to save themselves 1,000 baht a night. Reportedly, it's like shooting blonde pussy in a barrel. The wise swordsman will go back to her place, boot the soft toys off the bed and quickly dump his load before getting back to join the lads for last orders."

Lucky us.

Why does Masie call me Dave? Abbreviation is an affliction for some people. If my name was "Ng" she'd probably shorten it. She is, however, my favourite British farang female Bangkok-based blogger so I'll cut her a bit of slack on this occasion.

If she isn't getting any, then it would be insensitive of me to rub her nose in it but I did ask her whether she had any soft toys.

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Well I only brought Flopsy, Fluffy, Woodles, Bunny and Boo Boo with me to Thailand. I thought that was being pretty controlled. Poor Snowy, Fifi and Lala must be so scared in that dark storage container.

I had to chuckle at her reply but I suspect that Masie is trying to exonerate herself with the classic exaggerated confession. It's like telling your girlfriend that you bonked 20 writhing go-go dancers in an all-day Caligula-style shag-fest when, in fact, you merely scored a drunken quickie on the way home. I'm guessing that, if I turned down the covers, I'd find a Boo Boo in your bed, Masie. It's nothing to be ashamed of ("Dave" bites fist to stifle giggles) and I must confess that my Thai girlfriend has a special soft toy of her own.

He's called "My Monkey One Eye One Leg." He used to be called "My Monkey" but, while I was out late one night, she vented her frustration on his plush little body with a pair of scissors.

She used to have a few others too - the worst of which was a hideous effigy of Tweety Pie that was bigger than me. Bartering her down to one was as painful as the ongoing nuclear disarmament negotiations with North Korea. Imagine my horror, then, when a well-meaning friend gave her this unlikely pair last week. She adores them - explaining that the larger one represents me and the smaller one is her - but my black heart is still bent on their destruction.

[Posted to Internet by David]

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Readers' comments

mr peter says:

I see our Massie was so bored last week she was reduced to watching animated bunny movies on the web. Sometimes though she splashes out on an illegal DVD copy which she watches with the aircon off to remind her she is still in the tropics. Why does she never do anything interesting? not difficult in bkk. Any volunteers to take her out ??-peter

June 21, 2004 12:56 PM

Toby says:

Masie has a shitty attitude towards men that's all.
Tell her to just change her out look on men and everything will be fine. Accept the fact that men will place women in the same priority group as beer, sports, video games, etc.
Do women not realize we're insensitive to their feelings and needs? And that we only pretend to care and understand what the hell is going on to either get in their pants, or stay in their pants.
Thousands of years on this planet together, you'd think they'd have figured it out by now.

hey if farang girls are having trouble getting laid thailand they should just suck it up like many of us and just pay for that shit.

June 21, 2004 2:06 PM

Farangutan says:

this article would have been so much more interesting if it was entitled "Masie's sex toy confession".

C'mon Masie, 'fess up - we know you've got a Hello Kitty "Personal Massager" somewhere in your handbag.

June 21, 2004 5:38 PM

mr peter says:

How to get into Masies pants would be dead easy as she gives us a big clue. 'Back in my favourite city (london???) oh so happy I realsied I had been away too long when I walked into a corner shop and almost cried (this gal is strange) at the familiar smell of stale prawn cocktail crisps and 40 years worth of dust.'
There you have it then don't piss about with an expensive night out rub yourself down in dust and stale crisps and she'll be wetting herself.-peter

June 21, 2004 9:23 PM

sofyap says:

Mr David sir (better?).
Considering renaming my site "The sexual life of Masie and her Fluffy friends". Think I would get a lot more traffic, considering the amount of discussion going on about whether or not I'm getting any (though the unanimous verdict here seems to be a vehement no to that one) and how creative I can get with stuffed animal penis replacements.
Any thoughts?
Maybe Mr Peter could have a guest column entitled "My sexual exploits - a cultural tour of Thailand".

June 24, 2004 2:41 PM

David says:

Masie

At the risk of sounding like I'm teaching my grandmother to suck eggs, I believe that people who enjoy sex with stuffed animals are known as "plushies." Sometimes, they dress up in animal costumes and have private parties together (followed by a quick trip to the dry cleaners).

What does "sofyap" mean?

If you turn it round, it spells "Payfos" which is the speech-impediment version of "Pathos" - meaning misery. Is that intentional? Does living in Bangkok make you unhappy?

June 24, 2004 3:50 PM

sofyap says:

Plushies! I no longer have to live a life of silent desires and hidden fetishes. Thanks.
My new home page:
http://www.sexuality.org/l/fetish/plushies.html
"a newsgroup for adults who have special personal
feelings for plush stuffed animals".

As for the name - your (quite beautiful) explanation is far more complex than I am capable of, I'm afraid. No it's the name sofya and initial p.
And I love living in Thailand, despite my constant bitching and moaning.

June 24, 2004 5:39 PM

mr peter says:

If you 'love living in thailand' how about writing something interesting about it and telling us why? But please no more 'awesome' songkran stuff or how I bought a dodgy DVD.
My sexual exploits in thailand would be very dull I fear-it is only sex after all and mostly paid for at that, rather like a comic paying the audience to laugh at his jokes, opps, or her jokes.
My cultural interest in Thailand is the music, thats what thailands really about for me-you should give it a go, at least it would get you out a bit more. Get down to the local karaoke slap something on the box and have a warble, not string though of course.-peter

June 24, 2004 6:18 PM

Jules says:

Must be difficult being in Thailand when you like London, stale crisps, cheap wine and footie with the lads.

June 25, 2004 4:53 PM

sofyap says:

Peter - apart from the fact that it would be cruel to unleash my singing voice on the poor citizens of Bangkok, I agree with you to a certain extent - I have acquired an unexpected love for Thailand's particularly brand of OTT music (nothing like a night out at Tawan Daeng). But I actually quite enjoy travelling the country and seeing their mad festivals ('awesome' songkran stuff etc.), so i write about it. As I have said before, if you have different views I recommend you start your own blog. That's what they're for... I'm sure I'd be a regular visitor.

Jules - do love all those things but also love Bangkok, fried squid, cheap whisky, and laughing over academy fantasia. So I'm sorted.

June 28, 2004 5:03 PM

mr peter says:

Naw all this fad for bog stuff is for the chattering classes, and I would have to learn to spell proper. Glad to hear you are broadening you musical interests. Tatwang Deang though is not very good IMO and I rarely go as the band plays too loud and it drowns out the singer. You would have liked the vast songkran festival at wat rai khing near nakhom pathom in April, the biggest I have ever seen and free concert every night. Also recommend the luktung FM concert (free) in December, there is another large free one in pattaya in march but I never go to Pattaya as it's such a shit hole for obvious reasons. The best music venues for thai music are now over in Thonburi, unless you go in for that songs for life music. -peter

June 28, 2004 5:17 PM

JDMAN says:

What is it about these fuzzy toys and Thai girls? Are they all closet plushies? My TGF has about six in her apartment. I even sent David a shot with here legs firmly wrapped around one the size of a small BG. The choices in bedding is also rather child-like....cute little cartoon characters and a oh-so-much pink. Kinda creepy shagging the sweet thing on those sheets come to think about it. Could this be yet another example of how most BG's refuse to or simply can't grow up? Perhaps a defense mechanism against feeling like an old-maid as they approach 30 (assumming they don't have the Thai husband at the village).

June 28, 2004 5:26 PM

Jules says:

Sofyap, you like cheap whisky??????????

You are brave. I wouldn't even be sure it deserves the name whisky.

June 28, 2004 6:21 PM

wilbur says:

Mr. P:

The Pattaya Music Festival was, with one exception, a classic cluster-fuck, complete with young Bangkok Thais shooting at each-other in the middle of the crowd. Maybe their opinion of Thai rock is along the lines of yours! I avoided most of it like one would a dead skunk.

However, at the very southern end of Walking Street, in the newly-renovated park that adjoins the new boat pier, was the jazz venue. It was superb. Jazz bands from Europe and Asia produced absolutely stellar music; it was the perfect back-drop with which to stroll and nosh along the vendor-lined pier on yet another lovely night.

My GF went through that plush toy phase. She got rid of 'em one by one as they were soaked by what didn't hit her in the face!

I have an idea for Masie (who is the same person as Sof' Yap?). Consider hooking up with Isabel who is posting on other threads. Maybe the two of you, and a straperoo between yas, could solve each-other's problems!

July 21, 2004 8:58 PM

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