The voyage of Dick Headley

John U says:

Oh fuck me.

Apart from the photo of George Best what a load of shite.

Sorry David, there I go expressing my fourth opinion.

Fucking rubbish.

Chopper Harris says:

The funniest thing I've ever read. More please Mr David.

Bento Box says:

Absolutely boring shite

headley@gmail.com says:

Well thank you for the support Chopper. I was going to give you another update anyway but since John.U has seen fit to stick a boot in here's some more shite for him to wade through. Worse than the mud at Southampton in the old days eh Chopper? Before they covered the stands? Nobody would put up with that these days.

Tell the truth John.U., soccer's OK now and again but I just don't have the attention span for it. Not when I'm sailing up the Mosquito Coast with a boatload of lovelies. Though I did hear that England lost to Portugal. Penalties was it? Blame the ref is it? Usual whinging I suppose.

But why would David choose to reproduce our correspondence I ask myself? Why this interest in our metaphorical journey? Does he have a taste for epic literature? Is there a philosopher lurking beneath that licentious exterior or is he trying to wind us up?

Life is a voyage as I'm sure John.U will admit in his more sensitive moments. We are all adrift on the sea of life, some more so than others. We sail calmly along some times only to be buffeted by storms that come out of nowhere. I could go on. But I sense John.U getting restless already. What a load of bollocks he's thinking. Who is this Dick Headley? What is his point? Let me just say this...if occasionally Team Headley sails into uncharted waters it is nothing compared to the off topic musings and meanderings of some mangosauce contributors. You know who I mean.

So where was I? Having a beer in a palm thatched beach hut on Roatan. That's one of the Bay Islands of the coast of Honduras. A few days ago we stopped in Trujillo. Interesting place if you're interested in William Walker. Who was William Walker you ask. Well he was a Texan. In the 1850s he got this great idea to take Baja California from Mexico. It didn't work out but a few years later he raised an army of desperados and managed to take over Nicaragua. Even had himself declared president. Things went so well he set his sights on a few other Central American countries but his army was defeated and he left in a hurry. He made one last try but the Hondurans caught him in Trujillo (with a bit of help from a British warship) and put him in front of a firing squad. Un, dos, tres and that was hasta la vista Senor Walker but just to make sure he was really dead they tied his body to the mouth of a cannon and blew him apart. The various pieces are buried in different spots. We visited the cemetery where Walker's torso ended up then went for lunch at the Villa Brinkley. Red Snapper with a tartar sauce.

I ëd heard that a German friend of mine, Dieter, had been shot in La Ceiba, so we stopped in there just to see if anybody was around. I'd heard about Dieter getting killed of course but couldn't find anybody who knew much more than that. The rumour is that he was involved in a property deal and things went wrong. Things tend to go wrong for just about everybody in La Ceiba and I'd been lucky to get out alive the first time. I'd be curious to know what happened to Dieter's wife and son if anybody has any info.

Sorry about all the violence Chopper, I know you don't like it, but the pirate legacy is never far away in the Caribbean and the romance of the buccaneers lingers on.

After that it was over to Roatan which seems to have recovered nicely from the last hurricane. Keep meeting interesting people here and there are no plans to leave anytime soon.

Now I wouldn't normally mention this but one of the Buriram girls has let the team down. She said she was going diving but it was just an excuse to shag some black bloke underwater and as you know Chopper there are no warnings or yellow cards with Team Headley. She's on a plane back to Bangkok via Miami as we speak. The other Buriram girl was in tears so she's gone too. Which leaves us short-handed but not to worry. There have been a few coffee-colored numbers hanging round the French Harbour Marina lately and I've got a ìCrew Wantedî sign up. Should be able to find a couple of willing helpers. And it's always a pleasure to help the local economyÖÖ..DH

DICK HEADLEY says:

Correction....William Walker was born in Tennessee, not Texas.

John U says:

Did you know that hasta la vista means see you later?

And did you know that the expression hasta la vista is peculiar to the Spanish speakers in the Americas.

In Europe the Spanish speakers say hasta luego (not sure if the spelling is correct).

Funny people the English. They always talk as if they can win everything ignoring the fantastic talent of the other teams, and are so, so disappointed when they lose.

Football - it's just a game. Trouble is the English were brain washed by the Scots who are "football crazy, football mad". e.g. "Football is not a matter of life or death, it's much more important than that" - the late great Bill Shankly.

Greg says:

Speaking of boats, I have a plan to start a small shipyard in Thailand, with the aim of building and selling progressively larger boats. I plan to keep a big one. Anyone interested in joining in this venture can contact me.

Farangutan says:

Greg, sounds like you've given this venture a lot thought. I have some questions though.

1 - Where do I send my money?
2 -Can I have a big boat too?

Greg says:

It isn't really money that I need. But if anyone knows of a skilled construction manager who wants to work in a boatyard in return for a stake in a business, I'd be interested.

David says:

Hi Dick

I reproduced your correspondence with Chopper Harris because it made me laugh out loud.

Bon voyage and watch out for those John U torpedoes.

John U says:

Some people have the strangest sense of humour.

Me? Fuck off !

GSOH that's me.

mossman says:

Greg,

I'll sell you mine when I get there.

The used boat market here in the usa is just about the best place to purchase a decent ocean yacht. Once folks realize the difference between the fantasy life they gravitated to in the glossy brochure, and actually living aboard a boat off-shore; well, lets just say you'd need a large, well appointed comfortable boat(water maker, sat/nav, loads of safety gear, separate heads, firearms, etc.), or, be related by blood to survive the difficulties and dangers of an ocean crossing.

Or, they've a paid crew to drive/sail the long tedious ocean legs, and the owner will fly to more exciting destinations like Trujillo or Arruba, send his captain and crew ashore so he can motor or sail the shorter distances to impress his little cuties. On long haul distances, like "Heady" speaks of, crew attrition is normally 60% or greater, so even if they got on in Honduras, it would be remarkable they got that far.

One of these days I'm going to shake myself off, sell this overpriced spit of sand called home, buy a fixer-upper with a steel hull, go out the harbor and make a right turn until I get to the Panama canal. They say it's a real party, "rafting" with others, crossing over the isthmus. From the Pacific side the passage to the Marquesas Islands is supposed to be one of the finest, smoothest sails on the planet - a down-wind run...at worst a beam-reach tack that takes anywhere from seven to ten days. Set your rig and relax under the ocean moonlight. It's a big world, but there're plenty of like minded travellors within a radio call going the same direction. Sounds like heaven.

"Heady" is sailing the wrong direction. Tahiti to Arruba is a difficult leg at best; hopfully, in this, his fantasy, it is a chartered boat with a large crew doing most of the navigating/sailing. Can't imagine being on a boat with such different personalities, from such varying backgrounds,
for such a long period of time. So Headly, tell me, was this younger, handsomer black guy(the one doing your girl) a "member" of the crew, paid to deliver your vessel?

(The best market for used boats: Australia/New Zealand)

Tracy Emin says:

Shivver me timbers.

What a boring thread.

Like me, you guys obviously have too much time on yer hands.

mossman says:

If you stay at a hotel, with two girls, at least you can take a break. Go in the next room, close the door. Now add to that spicy mix a (cute) law student from Vietnam, to say nothing of the cultural differences between those two nationalities, that'd be explosive. Now put them on a boat, even an immodest sized one like an 60' yawl, on a two to three week ocean leg, and...

time to "walk the plank".

Interesting historical bits though.

Gurst says:

Nigel is back, better than ever check out his latest stunt at http://asianstreetmeat.com/post/g/000.gemmashit/0.html

cloughie says:

well played fellas. Dick you salty sea dog

chopper - you old rogue, soft as shit really aintcha? just a big pussycat

john.u = your a shitpIg. wind your neck in you double eyd bastid, leave teh big lads to play teh grown up games and get back to yer wanking

Ronin says:

Too bad "Gemma" missed Nigel's face. >_<
Now that's something I'd like to see!

Greg says:

Thanks for the informative post, Mossman.

To start with I plan to build and rent very inexpensive pontoon houseboats, that will float around in calm ocean and river waters. I imagine it will take many years before I have a ship capable of ocean water crossings. My idea is to start simple and low tech and low budget, giving myself many years to learn about boats marine living.

I used to live as a travelling salesman gypsy travelling around the US pulling my camper trailer. I lived on and off like that for years. Is the boating experience similar?

DICK HEADLEY says:

Thank you mossman. I relayed your comments to the crew and they all had a good laugh. Nyum, the Vietnamese law student who does most of the navigating was wondering about the size of your boat. She's a bright girl. Picked up navigation instinctively. I just gave her a few pointers and left her to it. So far she's kept us off the rocks and she has a gorgeous arse. I do a bit of navigating myself when she's bent over the compass.

We've been lucky with the weather too. The only serious headwind we hit was the day after we left Colon. We would have been blown back up the canal (metaphorically speaking) if I hadn't decided to head up the coast and anchor for a while.

Keeping this lot together is half the fun. The girls take the piss all the time but I'm still the one who makes all the major decisions. Voodoo helps. I have a bag of old soccer referee bones scavenged from graveyards around the UK. Whenever things get too much I sit on the deck by moonlight and cast them. Seems to work. The Football Association has been after me about it but they can sod off. I've said they can have the bones back but only when they let me coach for England.

Somebody was asking about the black bloke who was shagging the Thai girls. Lambert his name is and he's a young rasta from Jamaica who found his way to Honduras somehow. He hangs around the boat and I've threatened to cut his nuts off and use them for shark bait but he just laughs. ëAw don' be sayin' dat maan' he says in his best Trenchtown vernacular. ìDem bupps can' do it maan. Ready want stamina.î

He makes a decent living slipping black cock to rich white women. It's hard not to like the bugger. Every now and then he starts talking with a South London accent. I asked him about that and it turns out he did a bit of performance art when he lived in Brixton. Even got a grant from the Arts Council to make a video with Tracey Emin. It's called ìBall Room for Beginnersî and basically it's half-an-hour of Tracey getting shafted by Lambert inside a tent.

I'll be the first to admit I don't know much about art. Load of cobblers if you ask me, but Lambert says the work he did with Emin was an attempt to break away from established artists like Wentworth and Cragg. ìArt should be challengin' maan,î says Lambert, ìdat why I slam she raas. Damien Hirst and Victor Burgin OK maan but dey borin' and impersonal. Dat nuh righted. Got to get some personal stuff in dere. Show it all, maan. Relocate art practice to de realm of de everyday see.î

Well fair enough. It often seems to me there haven't been any groundbreaking innovations in conceptual art since Marcel Duchamp, but if Lambert wants to keep pushing the envelope good luck to him. Right Chopper? Same with that Nigel. He's a bit of a performance artist in his own way and he tries to keep the subscribers entertained. If that means being the drop zone for yesterday's somtam who am I to argue? Just as long as I don't have to clean it upÖ

mossman says:

Gurst,

That was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen...ever.

I'm not in favor of editing posts here or anywhere, but I sure wish I knew about Nigel's "latest" before I opened that url.

Don't wish to empower Kevin & what's her name's argument
about cencorship either, but...that...was just...too...much!

My computer stinks.

becksy and vics says:

you are all sad. where that cunt tanai ? i speak fluent spanish now hasta la vista