Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww: Extract #2

greavsey says:

it weren't like that on teh kings road or ap the lane i can tell yer

loads of fanny, abviously, no one was paying for it though

oyu wankers

The Saint says:

Eh - you kill me Greavsy. Remember that time we were had a lock in in The Water Rat with those strippers. You said you'd shave off the tash if you didn't bang all four of them that night. Chopper Harris was there too. What a night eh. And you still had the tash in the morning. Ha Ha. Never had to handover a penny (although the slags had it on their toes with my wallet). Great days mate. Great days.

Hand Jive says:

"It's a classic"? Very good reason, so far no publisher for Handjob's {English translation of the author's name} book. Is this yet another instance of Dave stroking for one of the good old blokes in his small circle of friends? I suppose it is hard to keep you mind on the plot when you are on whatever Chuckie is on. Hint hint, three bottles of beer and a joint, for starters. Classic?????. What are you smoking David.

David says:

Hand Jive - Have you read my review of the book? I gave the author some well deserved praise but also a slagging. I'm surprised that he didn't break those bottles of beer over my head and shove the lighted joint up my arse. Maybe he would have done but the truth is that I've never met him - or any other Thailand author, for that matter. I'm not part of any cosy circle of Thailand writers who give each other mutual blow jobs. I say exactly what I think and don't owe the literary luvvies any favours - David

Chuckie says:

Author's note: "Handjob" would be nganmeu. "Losing the Plot" was written mostly on vodka.

C. Sandesist says:

Whatever about the lame 'book'... (but thanks for posting parts of it anyway, David). I have to laugh almost every time I see a farang 'educating' others about what something means in Thai. First of all, most of the time, they're wrong. In the 17 years I've been going to and living in Thailand, I've met only one farang who spoke Thai anything like a Thai. 99% of the others who say (or think) they speak Thai ("fluently" even!) are full of it! Even when they do know a few words, their pronunciation is usually horrific. So don't be fooled by the farang who pulls his own chain by telling (or showing) you that he speaks Thai fluently or even well. Fact is, it's probably no better than a bargirl's (or tuk-tuk driver's) English, and if Thai people were less polite they'd cringe at the sound of it! Oh, and in case you were wondering, I DO speak Thai! Not the crap you learn from bargirls, books, tapes or even AUA, but real colloquial and idiomatic Thai learned by living, working and having meaningful relationships with Thais of all walks of life (while at the same time avoiding most farang like the plague!) Not to discourage anyone, but chances are that unfortunately the Thai you're learning and hearing other farang speak isn't the real thing. If you do want to try to learn to speak real Thai well, get out of the bars (and books, classes, web sites and tapes) and get 'in' with Thai people (and away from other farang!). Good luck!

Montydog says:

I don't see how you can avoid all the farangs you hate so much with your head so far up your own backside!!!!!!!

C. Sandesist says:

Never said I hate farang. I go to Thailand to be with Thai people. If I wanted to be surrounded by farang I'd just stay where I come from.

TANAI KWAI says:

"Whatever about the lame 'book'... (but thanks for posting parts of it anyway, David)."

You forgot to add a list of your own vastly superior literary contributions.

"I have to laugh almost every time I see a farang 'educating' others about what something means in Thai. First of all, most of the time, they're wrong. In the 17 years I've been going to and living in Thailand, I've met only one farang who spoke Thai anything like a Thai."

Good Thai in only 17 years? Spectacular results! By all means, brag on insipidly.

"99% of the others who say (or think) they speak Thai ("fluently" even!) are full of it! Even when they do know a few words, their pronunciation is usually horrific. So don't be fooled by the farang who pulls his own chain by telling (or showing) you that he speaks Thai fluently or even well."

And don't be fooled by a farang purporting to be offering well-meaning advice about learning Thai when he is, in fact, begging for approval from anyone who'll listen!

"Fact is, it's probably no better than a bargirl's (or tuk-tuk driver's) English, and if Thai people were less polite they'd cringe at the sound of it!"

If Thai people were less polite I'm guessing they would also give you an earful about farangs who harbor endless pretensions about having "gone native."

"Oh, and in case you were wondering, I DO speak Thai!"

Clever like a ling, you are.

"Not the crap you learn from bargirls, books, tapes or even AUA, but real colloquial and idiomatic Thai learned by living, working and having meaningful relationships with Thais of all walks of life (while at the same time avoiding most farang like the plague!)"

If your relationships with Thais are so goddamned sublime why would you frequent this site? This squalid little corner of cyberspace is crawling with the farang "plague" -- philistines who would deign to speak with bargirls. These nut-brown ingenues may not even be entirely aware that the Thai language distinguishes genitive relationships by apposition with nouns juxtaposed with possessors or, alternatively, through linking particles!

"Not to discourage anyone, but chances are that unfortunately the Thai you're learning and hearing other farang speak isn't the real thing. If you do want to try to learn to speak real Thai well, get out of the bars (and books, classes, web sites and tapes) and get 'in' with Thai people (and away from other farang!). Good luck!"

Yes, here's an idea... Stay away from Thai nightlife and the white locusts who plague it. Avoid scrupulously the beauties who work the bars, for they may not speak the "real thing" you'll hear in "Suriyothai," for example. Our goal should be to master Thai language and culture to such an extent that we can one day enjoy the warm embrace of the highest echelons of Thai-Chinese society. After some 17 to 30 years we may finally feel the sense of belonging we never enjoyed in our native heath (where we were misunderstood and accused of being foppish, condescending prigs).

(winky)

C. Sandesist says:

Um...OK, maybe I shouldn't have said the book was lame. Oh, and TANAI KWAI: Obviously I touched a raw nerve there. Lighten up, man... All that stress will be the death of you!

C. Sandesist says:

Oh Yeah... TANAI KWAI:
"the beauties who work the bars"?
'Nuf said about where your head is at.

Dana says:

If the Thais can speak Thai why in the world would anyone else brag about speaking Thai? This is like having a neighbor that is wallowing around in the trough of mediocrity and you want credit for learning to do the same. I'll hold my applause. Learning a language makes communicating with the locals easier. It has no other quality and shouldn't receive any other accolade. It is mechanical; not moral or philosophical or even admirable. Learning a language is a difficult thing to do. If you have learned to do so you get credit for having learned to do a difficult thing. And that's the end of it. You don't get credit for anything else. This simple concept eludes 99% of all language acquirers. They imagine that their mechanical skill has imparted a superiority to them and they want credit for it. In fact you can't shut them up about their newfound and hard earned superiority. Suddenly they are philosophers and the center pieces at parties and playboys and instant experts about the 'real' culture of the culture. All nonsense. There are millions of people that are bilingual or trilingual. The notion that they are superior to me in some moral or philosophical or behavioral or instinctive or social way is laughable. Get over it. It's a mechanical skill hard one and easily lost. You get credit for what you have done. That's it. Good on you. You learned a language. Now you can speak to the locals. Tell me something. Was it worth it? No, really--forget everyone else who you think is listening and handing out little gold stars on your report card--just ask yourself this question in the quiet part of the night. Was it worth it? Speaking to the locals.

Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus says:

Dana,

Thai is the 6th language I learn. I promise you that asap I'll forget english. Asap.

Dana says:

When you get really smart you'll be able to tell us why this non-english future of yours is relevant to anything. Perhaps you'd also like to tell me that you prefer the color red to the color blue. Equally riveting info about your life and your little dreams. And also completely irrelevant. I'll bet you haven't gone a single week this year without telling people how many languages you speak. That's the thing with the language learners. They can't shut up about it. Other human beings also learn and acquire difficult and admirable and useful and personnel skills. But they keep their mouths shut. Not the language learners. Put duct tape over their mouths and they'd manage to blurt out their ears that they can tell dirty jokes in their new language and now the locals accept them for their fine personal qualities. Crap and delusion. Learn to raise chickens and win prizes at livestock shows. It has exactly the same value.

Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus says:

Written in a most beautiful english...