November 22 2006
NOT Mango Sauce: David "outed" by stalker
The future of Mango Sauce hangs in the balance tonight as a deranged stalker exposes my hidden agenda on his twisted website.
NotMangoSauce.com is just one of a growing number of malicious websites that have published crudely fabricated evidence to support devastating allegations of impropriety against Thailand's leading webmasters.
Most troubling are a series of blurred photographs taken in a poorly-lit area of Suvarnabhumi Airport which purportedly show George from ThaiVisa.com exposing a small area of skin through the fly hole of his sweat-stained slacks and challenging startled female cleaners to guess whether it's part of his penis or scrotum.
July 5 2004
Joyce Cuckold 47: Hubby finds mojo in Bangkok
Joyce Cuckold
When I told the girls at work that Mike and I were going to Thailand they couldn't stop giggling. After lunch, they presented me with a dog-lead. "You'll need it for Mike" they said. How we all laughed.
They already know the truth, though, because I don't have any secrets from the girls. He fancies himself as a bit of a Jack-the-lad but I can assure you that he's all mouth and no trousers. His Rudolf Valentino days are definitely over.
Mike said that Thailand got its sleazy reputation during the Vietnam War with all those American GIs but that was 30 years ago and things are fine now. A couple of his friends went last year and they raved about the beautiful beach in Pattaya, the food and the bargains. "Take an empty suitcase" he said "and come back with a full one". He really put my mind at ease.
Our Bangkok hotel was lovely but the heat outside was unbearable. It didn't stop Mike wanting to explore though. He's normally such a lazy so-and-so. He said that I didn't have to come but I didn't want him to feel abandoned.
The noisy streets were heaving with people and stalls. I could hardly take it all in. Suddenly we found ourselves in Patpong. Mike said that he didn't know it was around here.
May 21 2004
Zoe Shrew, 25, moves to Thailand
Month 1
Men go crazy for super-cool farang chicks like me. I'm pretty radical and massively committed to issues like feminism, animal rights and anti-globalisation. I've never been with a guy who I could say was my intellectual equal but, despite my best efforts, Ben never listens to a word I say. Ignorance is just one of his many faults.
Last night, he said "I'm supposed to be your boyfriend. Get off my fucking case." Naturally, I just laughed. "Boo hoo, lickle Benjamin" I said. "Can't you face the truth?" What a plonker!
Since then, he's been in a huff and has taken to going out alone. I'm not worried, though, because it's common knowledge that only fat Germans fool around with the Thai girls and, putting modesty aside for a moment, I'm a bit of a fox. If you saw me, your eyes would be out on stalks.
Month 2
Ben and I split up last week but we're still good friends. He seems to be crazy about his new Thai girlfriend but I think she's just a skinny air-head. If he wants to live with a doormat, then it's his call. Don't come crawling back, Ben. This sassy farang chick is trading up!
May 15 2004
Yoshi Sukifukito 42: Salaryman and kinky Samurai warrior
Yoshi Sukifukito: Samurai swordsman
Back home in Tokyo, I enjoy nothing better than to queue up with 100 of my closest friends to bang myself off in the face of some slapper dressed up as a schoolgirl. The practice of bukkake is named after a classic Japanese dish of plain, slimy-looking white noodles. It's just our little joke, heh heh.
You may think us a bit inscrutable but we're always game for a laugh. After a good bukkake session with the lads, I often quip "Waiter, there's a girl in my soup!" They always piss themselves at that - sometimes literally. Our cum-splattered little vixen probably appreciates a good hosing down.
As you can imagine, when you do it every day it starts to get a bit samey. That's why I decided to go to Bangkok.
With my ultra realistic love-doll Yuki in tow, I pitched up at the check-in desk. I got through no bother, but Yuki clammed up a bit when the girl asked if she had any prohibited items. She was better off in the hold anyway. The food on these flights is never to her taste.
I dumped my stuff at the hotel and went straight out on the pull. I tend to go for six-inch-tall comic-book minxes with ludicrous platform boots - the sort of girls you keep in a jam-jar, ready to pop in the blender when you feel peckish. Soi Thaniya was a bit short on cartoon vixens that night, so I settled for little Noi. We struck the deal over some karaoke and I took her back.
May 9 2004
Pol Cpt Boom Viceandporn 38: Dedicated but not to his duty
I was out at my mate's club last week with a few of the lads. Somchai pointed out some posh tart who looked totally off her head. Her pals scattered when I suggested a urine test. Upstairs in the manager's office, I almost felt sorry for her. "You're a very lucky girl", I said "if I was on duty, you'd be in real trouble." She was an absolute stunner but had a twat like a steel trap. Switch to plan B, I thought. Nothing beats a blow-job off a crying girl, heh heh.
Though good novelty value, she didn't quite hit the spot so I decided to nip over to my mia noi's place for a proper ride. I've just sorted her out with a new Volvo, so I need to get my money's worth. As I left the club, I saw Somchai going up for sloppy seconds - the dirty bastard.
I've never met a virgin in this town before. Its like winning the fucking lottery. Speaking of which, I nearly forgot about Lek who runs the gambling club. It's tea-money day and the payment on my fucking Benz is due. One call on the moby and it's all sorted.
This afternoon, I was playing snooker with Somchai. He'd been on the Chivas all day and was totally shit-faced. It goes without saying that I cleaned the fucker out. "Your credit's no good here", I said "go upstairs and get yourself a wad." The club is in the basement of an apartment building full of hookers and other low-life. They are good neighbours in the sense that they are always ripe for a shake-down. My boss owns the building, so no worries on that score. Somchai got to his feet. "Hang on" I said, reaching for my pills. "If you get any lip, just plant a couple of these." "Don't worry," he replied "I've got plenty".
May 5 2004
The voyage of Dick Headley
"Ding dong. Spillage in isle 5. Will Bjorn Borg please attend to the spillage in isle 5? Ding dong." It's a familiar tale but not every successful sportsman squanders his fortune on a poorly conceived venture into men's underwear - or so they would have us believe.
Two retired stars from the golden age of British football have used the Mango Sauce comment threads to settle their differences. In case you missed them, here are the edited highlights.
Dick Headley 13/05/2004
Hi everybody... Headley here. Just checking in. Little bit pissed so I hope you'll excuse me if I ramble on a bit. What about you Dick I hear some of you ask. How are things with you? Well not bad, not bad at all, thank you.
I'll be leaving Samui soon and popping over to Tahiti. It's time to check on the yacht and see if she needs anything fixing. Probably hang around there for a while then sail over to Aruba. Great little crew this year by the way. Couple of trainee masseurs from Buri Ram (who also cook) and a very cute young law student from Saigon who will be helping with the navigation. Depending on the weather we should be passing through the Panama Canal around mid-June so if you're down that way feel free to go to Miraflores and throw flowers or just give us the finger.
After Aruba it looks like Barbados again probably via Grenada. A tricky piece of sailing at any time of year as you know but Team Headley enjoys a challenge. Then we'll be piddling around in the Caribbean until it gets boring before heading to Europe. I have to stop in Zurich and see if I have any money left (ha,ha) then I have some business to take care of in London. A bloke in Bangkok has asked me to go halves on Liverpool FC but frankly I think he's shit out of luck. For one thing I don't like some of Houllier's signings. Owen's no Beckham I fear. Also the Buri Ram girls are scared of Shankley's ghost.
May 3 2004
Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww: Extract #3
This is the final extract from Losing the Plot (See Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww) and also the longest. In my view, though, it's also the best.
Am I going to die here? Arthur wonders... in Thailand? People did die here... by 'people' he means foreigners of course... they die all the time... in accidents, from natural causes, poisoned by jealous wives. What happened to all the bodies? Did anybody really want them? Would Tui have his body burned or have the bloody thing shipped back to England? Whichever was most economical probably... Her Majesty's Government were unlikely to want it anymore... no I do not want a bloody cigarette lighter thank you... not even that phallic one. Very irritating these vendors. They had grown much more rude and persistent lately... in fact the worse business got the ruder and more persistent they became. How much could they make selling that stuff anyway... a hundred baht a day? Two? The woman with the cigarette lighters... she probably walks miles every day and if she's lucky she might sell one...
Yes it's true Arthur likes to complain about how Thailand isn't what it used to be but in a way he doesn't really care. He has enjoyed the best years... long before the Internet and the tattooed midriff-raff... before the bargirls started calling him Papa. Could be worse Arthur old chap... at least you're not under a bridge somewhere sniffing glue.
April 15 2004
Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww: Extract #2
This is the second of three extracts from Losing the Plot (See Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww) and it's a classic.
Raffy comes back all smiles with three cans of beer. "I've got to tell you blokes this story. I just remembered it. I'm in Bangkok right? Khao Sarn Road or whatever they call it, sitting in a caff and some girl asks me if I fancy a smoke yeah. I say OK and off we go in a taxi and she lights up a joint. Next thing I know I'm bollock naked in a house somewhere and there's a bloke with tits sucking my dick and another one making a video of it... but I don't get angry cos it's so comical yeah... just said bloody 'ell what's all this then and one of them starts crying and says 'oh you are so beautiful please stay with me...' and the other one says 'you go now OK?' so I find me clothes and next thing I'm off in a tuk-tuk back to Khao Sarn Road... but the funny thing is I get back to the guest 'ouse, yeah, and it turns out I lost 4 days somewhere and all me cash was gone. All I 'ad was a bunch of Marks and Spencers vouchers so I give 'em to the tuk-tuk driver an said 'ere get something nice for your mum' and then 'e starts screamin' at me and 2 Swedish girls show up and lend me 100 baht... I was so grateful I fucked them both in Khao Sarn Road... well not in the road obviously... in the guest 'ouse... "
April 4 2004
Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww: Extract #1
Reviewing Losing the Plot was hard because it breaks all the rules of published fiction (See Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww). Though flawed, it's a treat for Thailand-lovers and possibly deserves cult status. Now you can judge for yourself because the author has kindly allowed me to publish this extract.
With Bert stuck for an answer and Raffy across the road getting some beers this might be a good time to check on Arthur. He's not too far away as it happens. His wife Tui arrived in Bangkok as planned and together they'd done a bit of shopping.
Arthur got rid of his panty collection before she arrived. Just like that. One morning, in a fit of self-disgust he'd tipped the lot into a dumpster behind, appropriately enough, Robinson, where so many of them had been purchased. Did he miss them? Only when he thought about it, which he did, for a few moments, on the bus with Tui from Ekamai to Pattaya. But in a way he's glad they're gone. Now he's leaning back in his deckchair staring out across the Gulf of Thailand. Something he can do for hours.
September 26 2003
The Voyage of Dick Headley: Navigation
Here's the latest installment from Dick Headley.
People often ask me if I have a destination. Do you know where you're going Dick, they ask? Well of course I give them the old smile, like I know what's going on, but to tell the truth I don't have a fucking clue.
To be honest I don't know bugger all about navigation neither. Or should that be 'nor do I not know bugger all about navigation either.'? Always have trouble with those double negatives. Oh, I can read a chart and a compass of course but the finer points elude me. Sextant? No thanks. All that fiddly stuff with plotters and logs. I leave all that to Nyum. I trust her completely. She gives me a compass heading and I steer it. She seems to have an instinct for it. Funny that. Some people just always seem to know where they are.
The Carib Indians got around OK in their canoes. Island hopping probably. Never out of sight of land for long. Bloody amazing how those early Polynesians found their way around the Pacific with just a few shells and a couple of twigs. Me, I don't know where I am half the time. HahÔø?I can read the wind and the water but dates, tide-tables, windspeeds, headingsÔø?it's all bloody mixed up mate. Get to my age and you don't give a toss. Take each day as a bonus.
When I left Tahiti I had a vague plan to go to Barbados (where I have a house) via Aruba. Didn't work out. Ran into some very strong westerlies after we left Colon and decided to do the islands anti-clockwise. That means when we leave here we'll probably head for Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands. Then what? Still want to fuck Nok. Maybe give Oscar a hand with his treasure hunt. I do plan to end up in Barbados for the Mountgay Distillery Pilgrimage but not sure when. After that who knows. Back to Pattaya probably. Always plenty of odd-jobs at the Headley Hostel for Rehabilitated Sex Trade Workers.
September 10 2003
The Voyage of Dick Headley: Jacmel
Today, Dick Headley weathers a storm in Haiti and writes about his first brush with the porn business.
IVAN000
WTNT34 KNHC 091451
TCPAT4
BULLETIN
HURRICANE IVAN ADVISORY NUMBER 29
NWS TPC/NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER MIAMI FL
11 AM AST THU SEP 09 2004...EXTREMELY DANGEROUS HURRICANE IVAN HEADING FOR JAMAICA AND THE WESTERN CARIBBEAN SEA...
AT 11 AM AST...THE GOVERNMENT OF JAMAICA HAS ISSUED A HURRICANE WARNING FOR JAMAICA.
A HURRICANE WATCH AND A TROPICAL STORM WARNING REMAIN IN EFFECT FOR THE ENTIRE SOUTHWEST PENINSULA OF HAITI FROM THE BORDER OF THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC WESTWARD...INCLUDING PORT AU PRINCE...Jacmel's a bit of a dump really. The beach is dirty but the girls wanted to stretch their legs and I needed to check the bilge pump so we hove to. Mind you it's been a lovely place at one time. Built by rich merchants from Port Au Prince who used it for a weekend getaway and there's some beautiful old houses. But now it's looking very rundown. We wander through the market. It's Sunday. I know that means the women will likely all be in church while the men go cockfighting. There's a young bloke following behind us. He's got a hyena on a piece of string. A very well behaved beast I must say. I ask him in my best Anglo/French if he knows anything about cockfighting. He looks puzzled so I jump up and down and flap my wings.
September 8 2003
The Voyage of Dick Headley: Guano Islands
Hi David. Dick here. Thought I'd e-mail you. Not sure why. I must be missing the rough and tumble of the old message board. Talking of rough and tumble, that Frances must have been a hurricane and a half. Started as a tropical storm around Cape Verde. As you know, warm humid air rises from the ocean and creates a low pressure area in the troposphere. Winds get drawn in creating a vortex. The side effect of all this atmospheric activity makes Headley incredibly horny. The sails fill, the mast bends and we fly across the water. I send Danny up to trim the jib. We're on a long beam reach. Should reef the main a bit but sod it. One hand on the wheel, Nyum in her harness clipped to a jackstay, I rip her rigging off and shove one up her sterngland greaser. God it feels good with the wind howling and the spray on her face and her arse all dripping semen and sea-water. One of the other girls sticks her head out of the saloon, sees what's going on and pulls it back in. Bit of a somtam party going on down there. Lot of giggling. As if I give a toss who sees what. This is what life is about. Fuck everybody!!!
Then off to the southeast I spot some land. Bugger me what's that? Can't still be Jamaica surely? Quick check of the chart says it must be Navassa. Just a low rocky looking lump, not much to look at but it has an interesting history. On his 4th Voyage in 1504, Columbus was on his way back from discovering Panama. His ships were full of worms and leaking badly so he had to beach them in St. Anne's, Jamaica and send for help. He sent a few blokes off in dugouts to try and reach Hispaniola. They ran out of water and landed on "Navaza" where they found a few birds eggs and iguanas to eat. A few of them died and the rest managed to get to Santo Domingo in their canoes. Nobody visited the island again until the 1600's when it became popular with pirates.
August 29 2003
Farang pervert stalks Thai girls on Bangkokchat
Bangkokchat bans naughty boys who break the rules. This bloke must have slipped through the net.
Farang Bangkokchat pervert
>> HornyGuy has joined room #bangkokchat
ThaiGirl> Hello ka
HornyGuy> Hi
ThaiGirl> i from Thailand
HornyGuy> I know that, stupid
ThaiGirl> sorry honey :-(
ThaiGirl> u want talk with me?
HornyGuy> Why should I?
ThaiGirl> forget it mai pen rai
HornyGuy> Hey wait a minute
ThaiGirl> what?
HornyGuy> Sorry I'm just a bit paranoid.
ThaiGirl> ???
HornyGuy> I 'think too much'
ThaiGirl> why honey?
HornyGuy> I'm hiding from the cops
HornyGuy> The boys in brown
ThaiGirl> LOL
HornyGuy> Don't fucking laugh at me
HornyGuy> It's no joke
ThaiGirl> what u do?
HornyGuy> You don't want to know
ThaiGirl> i do
ThaiGirl> pleeeeeease honey na na na ;-)
HornyGuy> I fucked an elephant
HornyGuy> Hello?
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
