April 16 2004

Stop whining you jammy farang bastard

This is the edited version of a brick-bat hurled by a fella calling himself Objective Observer. It's a bit of a rant but he does make a very good point.

Why not return to wherever the hell you come from and get a dose of reality? You'd crawl on your knees like dogs for any women close to a Thai girl if you were back home and you damn well know it. You guys are living in paradise and are so jaded or angry that you don't even know it. You ought to get off the slamming of Thai bar girls too, as it indicates your total ignorance of the real world. You lucky bastards live in a sexual paradise and whine and whine. You can spend a night in Bangkok with a wet-dream girl for the price of admission to a lap-dance joint anywhere else in the entire first world. You guys have it made and you don't even know it.

His comment was directed at me but I'll say a few words in my defence later. In the meantime, I want to share a story about a guy who used to be my friend. Let's call him Keith Misery.

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Keith lives in a luxurious serviced apartment in the best part of Bangkok. The maid comes in daily and he doesn't have to do a thing for himself. He has plenty of money and works only when he feels like it. He also has an ever-changing stable of beautiful young girls who drop by regularly to suck his cock. Is he happy? No, he isn't. In fact, he's one of the most miserable buggers I've ever met. We used to go drinking together quite often and I would pretend to be sympathetic but it finally got to the stage where I just couldn't stand the sound of his whining voice anymore. The saddest part of this story is that, before Keith moved to Thailand, he was a really top bloke.

Incidentally, pop superstar Robbie Williams reckons that the beautiful models he shags every night are only interested in his fame and wealth. The poor lad reportedly feels very down about it. Boo hoo, Robbie - dry your fucking eyes before I poke them out with a stick.

We all know that it's "better to travel hopefully than to arrive" and that "you should be careful what you wish for because you might just get it" but, in my view, Thailand really is just a few steps away from bloke paradise. I don't understand why so many resident farangs can't stop whining.

Believe me, Objective Observer, I love living in Thailand; I really do. I spent 20 miserable years working as a wage-slave in a corporate cubicle before I managed to escape. Actually, to be more precise, it was an open-plan office. We don't have cubicles in Europe - they seem to be unique to America. I guess it gives the employees somewhere to hide when their disgruntled co-workers burst in with automatic weapons.

Here's the actual passage that provoked Objective Observer's righteous anger:

Having already exhausted the full repertoire of both the History and Discovery Channels, I'm praying that there's something decent on National Geographic. If not, I'll have to resort to making conversation with my girlfriend - or even shagging her during daylight hours.

(See: I fucking hate Songkran)

And this is the conclusion he drew:

You again reveal the contempt you have toward Thai women.

You're an American, Objective Observer. You probably don't fully understand my quaint British sense of humour so I'll explain. Where I come from, we often take the piss out of our nearest and dearest. It's perfectly normal and we do it for fun.

Let's say that you're in a pub with your mates and one of them is wearing a ridiculous orange jacket (because some tart in a boutique told him that it was fashionable). In America, you'd say "Nice jacket. I'm told that orange is the new black" but in England we'd say "Why are you dressed like a cunt?" and then pause to enjoy the laughter of the whole group. The man in orange would be laughing too but then he would wear the bloody thing every day for the next 10 years just to piss the rest of us off. Do you get the joke now?

I love living in Thailand almost as much as I love my Thai girlfriend (See: In praise of Thai girlfriends). Why do some people find this so hard to believe?

Stop whining you jammy farang bastard

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