July 28 2004

Pattaya jumper blames intelligence failures

Due to the technological superiority of their armed forces, America and its allies can always count on crushing their third-world opponents in a conventional war. So why do they get defeated so often? Poor judgement is the most likely explanation for these foreign policy bloopers - but our leaders often prefer to blame "intelligence failures."

Many ordinary farang fellas also underestimate the resolve of their third-world adversaries - Thai bar girls - but very few would admit to having poor judgement. They too prefer to blame intelligence failures - "The bitch lied to me!"

Like beefy US Marines, we are better educated, better equipped and better funded than our enemies and, given that we hold all the cards, victory seems assured. However, as our political leaders know only too well, Johnny foreigner doesn't always play by the rules

In Vietnam, worn down by the guerrilla tactics of the Vietcong, the US administration opted for a chaotic airborne exit from the rooftop of their Saigon embassy. In Thailand, worn down by the cheating tactics of Thai bar girls, many farangs opt for a chaotic airborne exit from the balcony of their Pattaya apartment - but most neglect to book a helicopter first.

We need to reconsider our battle strategy. If the US and its allies can deploy high-tech weapons in combat, then so can we. Last week, we learned about a device that can disrupt bar girl command and control networks (See Rude Thai bar girls foiled by phone jammer) and, today, we'll be learning about another important weapon in the War on Error - the polygraph.

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Effective intelligence gathering is the key to defeating our bar girl enemies but, unlike Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, I'm a bit squeamish about the use of torture. A lie-detector test is fair game, though (as suggested by Mango Sauce reader, Bri).

Farang: You have consented to a polygraph test. Please state your name for the record.

Thai girl: Noy

Farang: Did you really lose the gold bracelet I gave you?

Thai girl: Yes. I very sad [stylus twitches vigorously].

Farang: Is your mother really sick?

Thai girl: Yes. Medicine expensive mahk mahk [stylus beats against the end-stop].

Farang: Do other guys send you money?

Thai girl: No. Never [stylus rips through paper].

Farang: [Pauses to refill ink cartridge] Did you screw around while I was away?

Thai girl: No. I stay home [barely audible over polygraph's frenzied clattering].

Farang: Do you have a secret Thai husband?

Thai girl: No. I no like Thai man [stylus flies out of the window].

Farang: The polygraph test indicates that all your answers are lies.

Thai girl: I promise I good lady now. I boom boom only you. I love you too much, teerak.

Farang: I love you too, honey. I'm sorry that I ever doubted you.

Thai girl: Give me 20,000 baht please.

Farang: Ok. Here you are.

The moral of this story is that bad judgement always triumphs over good information. During a briefing in the Oval Office sometime last year, it's possible that another single-minded fella might have been overly selective about which intelligence he chose to believe.

Despite many statements to the contrary, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq have proved to be just as elusive as monogamous bar girls in Thailand.

[Posted to Farang Life by David]

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Readers' comments

Farangutan says:

the transcript above once again proves when fighting the War on Error, the old adage:

"The penis, mightier than the sword"

was never truer. I too am guilty as charged of thinking with my little head too many times. Haven't been ripped off/taken for a ride yet thankfully.

...yet.

July 28, 2004 3:13 PM

Jules says:

What is all this about the American military and their allies being beaten so often by third world adversaries?

As far as I am aware in the last 30 years the Yanks have lost in Vietnam, Somalia, Lebanon etc.

But their allies must include the British who have not lost anything in the last 30 years though now are not much of a threat to anyone.

Strange therefore that utter intelligence failure is so common amongst our fallen comrades. British phlegm and stiff upper lip is no defence to beer, sun and a hottie bouncing up and down on our knee without breaking it. Many are the fallen comrades laid to rest (or resting to get laid) in Pattaya, the Thai Blackpool.

As to Yanks, well they still come to Pattaya in their thousands off the US govt cruise ships spoiling our fun with their muscles, crew cuts and bulging wallets. Over Paid, Over Sexed and Over Here. But they retreat after a few hours or days and peace breaks out.

July 28, 2004 4:22 PM

Niall says:

During the last Cobra Gold this exchange was heard in Pattayas notorious Soi 6.

Amercian Soldier: How much boom boom upstairs?

Bar Girl: What you wanna pay?

American Soldier: (looks in wallet) er... I have 3,000 baht OK?

Bar Girl: OK teerac we go upstair.

Fat wallets don't last long in Pattaya (but fat Germans seem to be in plentiful supply).

July 28, 2004 5:37 PM

Matt says:

David - Great piece pissed meself.

July 28, 2004 5:41 PM

Jules says:

I am not sure how long fat Germans last either.

Bargirl, " i love Gerrrman guy. He boom boom little bit, sleep"

Lazy bitches by and large.

July 28, 2004 5:54 PM

TANAI KWAI says:

"Thai girl: I promise I good lady now. I boom boom only you. I love you too much, teerak."

The funny thing is, the ploygraph might not actually register a lie is being told when she makes the seemingly outrageous and historically unsupportable statement above.

(Private Dancer expounds on this idea.)

July 28, 2004 11:49 PM

Greg says:

I didn't read Private Dancer TK. Am I correct in assuming that it points out that habitual liers are so segmented in their egos that they believe their own falsehoods?

July 29, 2004 12:25 AM

UNCLESAM says:

David are you as stupid as you make your self out to be or did mom drop you on your head when she was reaching for the whiskey.Defeated so often?When is the most recent time America and its allies were defeated?We just took down a whole country and captured its evil dictator in less time than it would take you to realize youve been shacked up with a ladyboy.

July 29, 2004 2:40 AM

TANAI KWAI says:

Oops, I said "ploygraph." I guess I am fallible. Or am I?

Greg,

Yes, you have captured it. As a feature of the bargirl subculture, this segmentation is even more extreme given all of the raw energy and emotion invested in the lie/truth.

(...)

July 29, 2004 2:45 AM

KDub says:

The USA has tried 12 times to set up a democracy and have been successful 8 times. It's not an easy feat.

July 29, 2004 3:48 AM

Dana says:

Polygraphs don't register lies. They register responses. A sincere mentally deranged lier can beat the polygraph. A less expensive less technologically appealing test to see if a bar girl is lying is the 'moving lips' test. If their lips are moving they are lying.

July 29, 2004 4:22 AM

TANAI KWAI says:

"Polygraphs don't register lies. They register responses. A sincere mentally deranged lier can beat the polygraph."

Then there is the redundograph. It registers redundant comments.

(you just triggered it, Dana)

Then there's the long-way-to-go-for-a-tired-gag-ograph.

(hey, you're on a roll)

In truth, between the endless Dean chronicles and the spam-bombers I barely have enough spirit left to snipe at you, Dana.

(...)

July 29, 2004 4:33 AM

Dana says:

There is a god.

July 29, 2004 4:45 AM

Bento Box says:

Hey Dana, isn't it time for your breakfast? Or couldn't you find a katoey this morning?

July 29, 2004 7:02 AM

nick adams says:

in my experience, the bargirls really don't believe they're lying at the moment they're snapping their yaps, so maybe a polygraph wouldn't work. perhaps part of the budget to the ongoing war on error could be devoted to a bargirl-proof polygraph. it might also be of use with politicians and michael moore. there could be some cash in this for you, david, you should look into it.

July 29, 2004 7:50 AM

Farangutan says:

other tell-tale body language signs of lying are slight coughing mid-sentence and playing with/tugging your ears while talking - Bob Hawke, ex-australian Prime Minister and yard-glass world-record holder was notorious for this in his day.

July 29, 2004 9:13 AM

Jules says:

Sorry Uncle Sam but I belive Somalia was a defeat was it not?

And when was that, 10 years ago?

And it is only 20 years since the Marines withdrew from Beirut and stopped shelling the place.

And it is 30 years since the retreat from Vietnam.

I start to see a pattern here. Perhaps you will depart Iraq with your tail between your legs next, it is about due.

Having a very large and expensive well equipped military machine is not enough. The attitude and professionalism of the troops is just as important as is experience of urban peace keeping where nobody likes you.

Unfortunately the US has one but not the other and the Brits do not have one but have the other.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm, perhaps this is why the Yanks pay more for their girls and the Brits are stingy but perhaps the Brits are better for boom boom?

Must conduct a survey this weekend.

July 29, 2004 11:42 AM

nick adams says:

i bet you could definitely get a bargirl (who you paid) to tell you brits are better in bed. why, just the other day, i was told i was the best EVER. top that, why don't you.

July 29, 2004 12:53 PM

Jules says:

I had her later and she told me you were the best NEVER.

July 29, 2004 3:21 PM

OXO says:

Brit's pay less then yanks Jules??? As an Oz-Brit that hasn't been my experience from living here for the last 5 years. I have been repeatedly amazed about just how Ji Dee the bar girls in Pattaya view the Brits, I put this down to the fact that the Americans have always been in close proximity to 3rd world = cheaper sex counties, Mexico-Cuba etc, & that the older ones probably done a stint over here before. But before the wall came down & a lot of ìpresentableî girls from Poland & other East European countries came on to the scene, the only options for an older person was ìare you finished yetî with a French, German, or Scouse accent, all very expensive, & frosty. I am not saying there are not exceptions to this of course, but the older Brits -40+ that I see, seem to go overboard in both payment & commitment.

July 29, 2004 4:59 PM

OXO says:

Opps I forgot.
PS
They did pick a Brit to be the guy that went over the top in Private Dancer.

July 29, 2004 5:03 PM

Jules says:

Oxo,

I take it all back.

The Brits are both the best equipped and the best for Boom Boom.

July 29, 2004 6:14 PM

JULES says:

Im am going to retract my previous statements to UNCLESAM
Samolia could have been an easy victory if the US wanted but one US soldiers live is equivelent to 1000's of ignorant Samolians so US left them to rot.Beirut and Vietnam were US's choice to leave.Had they stayed US would have destroyed either just like Iraq.Im sure US will be leaving Iraq soon but not with their tail between their legs.US put a spanking on IRAQ without lifting a finger just like theyll do to any other country that gets out of line.By the way allthough I go by the name JULES I am a man but after the operation things will be different.

July 30, 2004 2:07 AM

Jules says:

I see someone has lifted my name and posted some diatribe about the great American military.

What a shame that the grammar is so appalling and the punctuation is execrable. I fear a person of low intellectual ability and understanding of the world is trying to have a little joke.

"had they stayed US would have destroyed either" is exactly what they were not there to do. What a shame persons of low IQ are allowed to operate computers and weapons.

July 30, 2004 12:44 PM

oxo says:

I don't know how one can get around someone high jacking their name on this forum, whether there ignorant or just plain inebriated ---like your ghost seems to be.
It's wonderful to see an an open forum -unlike the Nana ones, & I hope David can keep it that way, but maybe he will have to look at passwords for namesÖon the other hand, why give a shit about it.

July 30, 2004 1:16 PM

Jules says:

Yes, absolutely. What would happen if I started posting as Isobel I and agreed with Ubangi? The poor chap may have a turn.

July 30, 2004 6:05 PM

TingTawng says:

The mask slips off a bar girl the moment she realises you've beaten her the connect 4 game.

("oi!")

The mask returns 2 seconds later.

("I love you teerak!")

August 5, 2004 4:21 PM

Johnny says:

I like how when negotiating a deal with a street vendor, that they always ask "where you from?" first. They seem to have picked up on the various accents these days. Woe to you if you ever make the mistake of ordering something before negotiating the price, it always seems to triple or quadruple in value no matter how quickly you ask for the price after that.

July 26, 2006 9:51 PM

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