July 20 2006

Going native: Expats who lose the plot in Thailand

lion mating

Executives who go AWOL after their first night in Patpong are the poster boys for an army of expats who lose the plot in Thailand.

In the West, rain is no excuse for arriving late at a meeting and to declare "I'm hungry!" ten minutes into the agenda is tantamount to offering your resignation but a newly arrived executive charged with injecting some zing into his easy-going Thai subordinates is often just weeks away from going native.

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When I first moved to Thailand, those who know me well reckoned that I'd end up like Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now but living in a mosquito infested swamp with my face painted blue would make no sense at all - unless they install broadband.

In an ideal world, Westerners living in Thailand would become more courteous and community-minded. They'd embrace tolerance, eat more healthily, take pride in their appearance and smile more often.

Unfortunately, however, tiresome Thai vices are easier to pick-up than redeeming Thai virtues.

Punctuality is often the first casualty and straight talking is usually the second. Lacking the natural charm that allows Thai people to get away with almost anything, a Westerner who lets his standards slip can quickly become a bit of an oaf.

To dodge making a commitment with the classic Thai line "I will try" is the first step down the slippery slope towards personal ruin and career suicide.

The phenomenon is well understood in expat circles but, apart from offering some friendly advice ("Don't fuck up!"), there's not much anyone can do.

One he's gone through the two-week shag-fest and the mandatory lovesick fool period (anything from one to six months - or longer, if work commitments take him overseas), your once-reliable co-worker will emerge phoenix-like as a capricious 1970s Elvis in Camel Adventure Wear.

Regaining his focus and the respect of his colleagues might take years and some guys never return from the dark side - making them about as appealing as other people's children.

In the West, a simple exchange of text messages is all it takes to organise a night out.

In Thailand, however, your heart invariably sinks when your soon-to-be-former friend calls up to blather endlessly about how preparing a meal, taking a shower or going to Tops Supermarket with his new Thai girlfriend makes it hard for him to commit to a definite time - as if you've nothing better to do than hang around until he deigns to show up.

It makes him sound like a frigging bar girl and the similarities don't end there.

On arrival in Thailand, few fellas can resist launching dick-first into a colossal shag-a-thon but those planning to stay on have to raise their game above the level of a soi dog. Sexual adventure is fine so long as things are kept reasonably discreet but, for some expats, the penny never drops.

Caught in his own apartment during a spectacularly ill timed three-way with a pair of Soi Cowboy go-go dancers, one guy was both indignant and inconsolable when his Thai girlfriend left him.

"But they were sisters!" He wailed.

Readers' comments

bangkokram says:

Some western day to day standards have to be kept.

Time keeping being one of them, should I be told to pick the nearest and dearest up from work at 5.00pm I know she will be a minimum of fifteen minutes late. "Why not arrive late?" you may ask. Simple, its rude to be late.

As far as a straight answer goes, I tend to get the reply of "Maybe" to any question were the answer either isn't known or its an answer that doesn't want to given.

I try to take everything in my stride, the Thai way is sadly the only way in Thailand.

July 20, 2006 6:41 PM

migrant says:

"tiresome Thai vices are easier to pick-up than redeeming Thai virtues."

And so much more fun!!

July 20, 2006 9:14 PM

jz bezos says:

Damn! I've been reading your blog for only a week and I'm planning a move to Thailand...

Quit writing about all the evil stuff!

WAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

July 20, 2006 9:29 PM

Whippet says:

Great insight into the zombies that were once people crawling around among us in Bangkok. It reminds of a "man on the ground" I used to know.

July 20, 2006 10:05 PM

Boolai says:

Having lived in Thailand for seven years and now doing time in the US NAVY. I have to say that I prefer the Thai way. Charming and politeness is the better way.

July 21, 2006 5:58 AM

phil H says:

Thai virtues are all very well but, when asked by the CEO whether the company ahould invest heavily in the Vanatu National Oil Corporation, the response "Up to you" is not guaranteed to improve your promotion prospects.

July 22, 2006 10:16 AM

bif says:

"... making them about as appealing as other people's children."

Great line, David

July 23, 2006 8:36 AM

205 says:

Phil H,

The "Up to you" quote isnt quite as frustrating as the "stop think" line that always comes up when trying to show a thai person how to do something new yet relatively simple. Of course, here I'm not trying to teach some bar girl a new sexual position, they seem to know them all ;-)

December 25, 2006 5:09 PM

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