June 22 2006

Bangkok embassy tells bird-flu Brits to bugger off

Two Fingers

How do you make a "Dear John" letter to potential bird-flu victims sound like a genuine offer of help?

Peter Karmy, Her Majesty's Consul in Bangkok, shows us how and Bangkokram has kindly forwarded it to me for translation.

I wrote to you in December 2005 with information about avian and pandemic flu. The UK Department of Health has now produced a pamphlet on pandemic flu that gives advice on how to reduce your risk of infection from an influenza virus. This can be viewed on their website: www.dh.gov.uk. That should be read together with an updated version of the Foreign Office (FCO) avian and pandemic flu fact sheet which can be accessed through this Embassy's website: www.britishembassy.gov.uk/thailand.

Translation: If they run out of tissues, bird-flu victims can blow their noses on this crappy pamphlet.

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Although the number of cases of people contracting avian flu has increased, the perceived threat of a human influenza pandemic remains the same, as the virus continues to show an inability to pass between people. However, in an effort to ensure you are kept as fully informed on the subject as possible, you may welcome an update, in particular, about what your embassy will and will not be able to do in the event of a pandemic.

Translation: Did I mention the pamphlet?

It is clear that, should a human flu pandemic occur, the virus would likely spread very rapidly, possibly affecting all countries within a matter of weeks. Given the likely disruption to transport, health services (including the NHS in the UK) and other local services, the level of consular assistance and the visa service which we can provide might be significantly reduced, not least because some of our own staff may be ill. In certain circumstances we may even have to close the embassy temporarily to prevent the spread of infection.

Translation: At the first sign of trouble, we'll be holed up in the embassy basement with 500 cases of fine wine and a selection of pornographic DVDs.

We have put in place a flu contingency plan for the embassy so that we can try to maintain a basic consular service during the crisis. Depending of the seriousness of any outbreak we would endeavour to continue providing regular updates on the embassy website. We will set up an emergency call centre to deal with your enquiries and will keep you informed of developments by e-mail and/or letter.

Translation: Don't come within 100 yards of our hideout, you drooling zombies, or you'll be given a walk-on-part in the Bangkok remake of Night of the Living Dead.

I would especially draw your attention to the section of the fact sheet headed "British Nationals living Overseas". You will note that in the event of a pandemic, we have concluded that given the potential number of British nationals involved we will be unable to offer repatriation.

Translation: Enjoy the walk home, gentlemen. We'll wave to you from business class.

We would also not be able to offer any diagnosis or medical treatment. This, rightly, should be the duty of your usual healthcare provider. We suggest that you consider this and make the necessary arrangements, in particular your likely access to anti-viral drugs and the quality of medical care facilities in the event of a pandemic.

Translation: We're keeping the Tamiflu for ourselves.

I suggest you visit the Department of Health website at www.dh.gov.uk/pandemicflu, which contains a range of information to help you consider your options in the event of a pandemic. Further information can be found on the World Health Organisation and Health Protection Agency websites. Please contact me if you have any further queries about pandemic flu planning.

You should also monitor the FCO and embassy websites for updates. We will communicate with you again when there are further developments.

Peter Karmy
HM Consul

Translation: Thank you in advance for buggering off.

Footnote

This letter was sent by email on 8 June 2006 to all UK nationals registered with the British Consulate in Bangkok.

The text is reproduced in its original form but, to spare the Consul's blushes, I've corrected the typos and replaced the broken link to the British embassy's website with the correct one.

[Posted to Farang Life by David]

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Readers' comments

Tom says:

I'm registered with the Embassy but never got one of those useful emails!

Interesting article.

June 22, 2006 5:42 PM

Errant says:

That's diplomatic immunity for you. Not that those wallahs give a damn; probably immune to criticism too. Central should have bought the whole plot, razed the place and filled the site with shoes and bags.

June 23, 2006 12:29 PM