April 17 2007
"I tattoo bargirls as a hobby"
Tatt2dude's creations don't hang in The Louvre but, for the price of a beer, you can admire them in any Pattaya go-go bar.
Private viewings may also be available.
April 11 2007
Have we worn out our welcome in Thailand?
When a one-legged German infects half the schoolgirls in Chaiyaphum with HIV, it reflects badly on all of us but Thailand's noticeably cooler attitude towards Western immigrants has little to do with our sexual peccadilloes.
Fun-loving tourists won't notice any change but those of us who choose to live here are feeling less and less welcome.
March 18 2007
Bonking Belgians may eye up Bjorn Borg's briefs
Phuket waitress, Arm, was videoed by her French boyfriend, Greg Garcia, lying to a Belgian punter who had called to check up on her.
Greg now wishes to point out that the sucker on the other end of the line was not, as I reported, her restaurant-owning Belgian sugar daddy but a different and entirely unrelated bonking Belgian.
In my defence, I have to point out that it was an easy mistake to make. The very existence of Belgium has yet to filter into the collective Thai consciousness so who could have guessed that Arm was actually having it off with two of them? As Oscar Wilde might have said, to shag one Belgian may be regarded as a misfortune, to shag two looks like carelessness - but at least she'll never run out of exquisite handmade chocolates.
I owe you an apology, Greg. Your girlfriend is a bigger tart than I gave her credit for.
January 18 2007
Farangs get run out of town
When the money runs out, taking a dive from a high balcony is sometimes considered a better option than returning to Farangland but six empty beer bottles and a misspelled note is hardly a legacy to be proud of so most guys choose to carry on living.
After his Pattaya bar folded, Bill (not his real name) had little choice but to return to London.
Finding an affordable apartment was impossible so he had to settle for his ex-wife's spare bedroom on a bleak peripheral council estate - the kind of place where everyone owns a baseball bat but no one plays baseball.
His Thai wife was initially less than thrilled but soon cheered up when she realised that, in London, men pay good money to have sex with a well-preserved bargirl in her early forties.
November 1 2006
Naughty boys "go bamboo" in Thailand
When an American tourist purchased a Bangkok bargirl for his nine year-old son, he also took one for himself. Back at the hotel, the boy settled down with bargirl #1 to watch Monsters Inc. while his dad took bargirl #2 next door for some monstering of a different nature.
For the adventurous single man with a kid in tow, barfining a babysitter really ought to be a last resort but it's actually fairly common. If our tourist dad had stayed in a decent hotel, they'd have laid one on for him.
While visiting Bangkok with his family, a chum of mine stayed at the Marriott. His two young sons were a big hit with the female staff and, at mealtimes, they'd run off and play with the sexy waitresses - while their poor old dad looked on enviously.
One of the girls volunteered to come over and baby-sit that evening. She looked great in her Thai costume but when she turned up later, casually dressed and with her long silky hair let down, she looked absolutely stunning.
September 26 2006
Tanks for the memories: Tejero in Thailand
Lieutenant-Colonel Antonio Tejero's 1981 bid to overthrow Spain's fledgling democracy was thwarted by his preposterous hat and comedy moustache. Thailand's new military leaders have learned some important lessons from his mistakes.
Tejero served 15 years in jail for staging the abortive coup but his bad impersonation of Inspector Clouseau went completely unpunished.
Today, he lives quietly near the coastal resort of Malaga but, had Tejero retired to Pattaya, the world's favourite anti-democracy activist might, right now, be drawing up a list of demands:
August 28 2006
Western women who disappear in Bangkok
She's a respectable, middle-class Western woman without an enemy in the world so how did journalist, Lyle Walter, disappear without trace in Bangkok?
Sometimes I feel invisible in Bangkok... After five years here, the situation is wearing on me. I hadn't realised until visiting the States this summer how much my ego always has been gently stroked by innocent everyday interactions with the opposite sex. Not my husband, but rather the people [men] I encountered while going about my business in the outside world: the bagel guy; the UPS guy; a particularly solicitous waiter... These moments weren't [were] necessary to reassure me as to my self-worth, but they helped me feel recognised as an attractive person with ideas, dreams, plans...
August 22 2006
Thailand's other missionary position
Alan Turner, a bigoted young Christian missionary from the Mourne Presbyterian Church in Northern Ireland, has vilified Thai Buddhists in his local newspaper in a bid to raise money to buy a luxury car.
Thailand is a Buddhist country but Buddhism basically rejects anyone who is sick, so Siam Care is one of the only groups of people who will help AIDS victims as it is a Christian organisation.
Missionaries used to spout this kind of shite in the 19th Century because they didn't know any better but Turner is a regular visitor to Thailand in his capacity as a team leader of the Tearfund charity and the Buddhists who work alongside him will, quite rightly, be outraged by his remarks.
August 8 2006
Khaosan Road hippies face habitat destruction
Like smelly rainforest mammals facing habitat destruction, Khaosan Road's hippies are being driven out of their bedbug-infested plywood cubicles to make way for tourist-class hotel rooms.
Once the focal point of Thailand's hippie trail, Khaosan Road has, quite recently, reinvented itself as a truly cosmopolitan entertainment district that's as popular with young Thai revellers as it is with Western tourists. However, the area remains notorious for drug dealing and philH explains how things operate.
The police get paid a bonus equal to a percentage of the street value of any drugs they seize. So they sell the drugs, bust the users and a few dealers, confiscate the drugs, collect the bonus and sell the drugs. Christ, there's probably a fancy name to this branch of economics!
August 7 2006
Thailand's hippie trail
Thailand's white Rastafarians should be congratulated on their hair-care choices because it makes them easy to avoid. "Don't eat the yellow snow, don't wipe your arse with a broken bottle and never trust a hippie" is probably the best advice ever given.
Facial tattoos, rotten teeth and bad didgeridoo playing are worn like badges of pride but, in reality, the hippies' lifestyle is a dated parody of the two week "Summer of Love" that ended forty years ago. Like WW2 Japanese soldiers still serving on remote Pacific islands, no one seems to have told them.
The abundance of hippies in Thailand is great news if you're recruiting extras for a Charles Manson biopic but it's not so good if you're staying in a beachside bungalow and would prefer your valuables to remain undisturbed.
July 25 2006
Having someone killed in Thailand
Having someone killed is the ultimate way to fuck-up in Thailand (See Going native: Expats who lose the plot in Thailand).
For some people, being here fosters a sense of freedom and invulnerability. Backpacking bikers often refuse to wear crash helmets and drunken farang girls sometimes allow the local bad boys to lead them off to remote locations.
Petty criminals in this detached frame of mind can reinvent themselves as serious offenders - so you have to be ultra-careful about who you associate with in Thailand. The friendly farang guy who buys you a drink could soon be plotting your death - as a young visitor from Australia was about to discover.
July 20 2006
Going native: Expats who lose the plot in Thailand
Executives who go AWOL after their first night in Patpong are the poster boys for an army of expats who lose the plot in Thailand.
In the West, rain is no excuse for arriving late at a meeting and to declare "I'm hungry!" ten minutes into the agenda is tantamount to offering your resignation but a newly arrived executive charged with injecting some zing into his easy-going Thai subordinates is often just weeks away from going native.
July 17 2006
Naked truth about living in Thailand
The average farang bloke living in Thailand returns home with his tail between his legs after just two and a half years.
Today, we find out why.
Last year, hundreds of Mango Sauce readers filled out an online survey designed by Robert Howard at the University of New South Wales and these are his preliminary results.
June 29 2006
Duped farang goes postal
If they don't fall from their Pattaya balconies in mysterious circumstances (See Would your Thai wife murder you for cash), farang blokes duped out of their life savings by scheming bar girls generally end up homeless and wandering the streets clutching a suitcase.
With the odds stacked against them, only a tiny minority ever manage to get even. Helmut the Hammer was just such a man.
June 22 2006
Bangkok embassy tells bird-flu Brits to bugger off
How do you make a "Dear John" letter to potential bird-flu victims sound like a genuine offer of help?
Peter Karmy, Her Majesty's Consul in Bangkok, shows us how and Bangkokram has kindly forwarded it to me for translation.
I wrote to you in December 2005 with information about avian and pandemic flu. The UK Department of Health has now produced a pamphlet on pandemic flu that gives advice on how to reduce your risk of infection from an influenza virus. This can be viewed on their website: www.dh.gov.uk. That should be read together with an updated version of the Foreign Office (FCO) avian and pandemic flu fact sheet which can be accessed through this Embassy's website: www.britishembassy.gov.uk/thailand.
Translation: If they run out of tissues, bird-flu victims can blow their noses on this crappy pamphlet.
March 21 2006
Korat 1966: Hi GI
It's 1966 and the Vietnam War has just begun. Young airman, Fes Cannady, finds himself stationed in Korat - a run-down Thai backwater of seedy bars and beautiful girls. A talented photographer, Fes records his experiences in a series of remarkable and evocative pictures.
January 10 2006
Thai gigolo slams farang girls
"The tourists are fine but farang girls who've lived here for any length of time are a total nightmare," explains veteran Thai gigolo, Yai.
I was introduced to Yai a few weeks ago when he was wooing a huge Aussie blonde in a popular Bangkok nightclub. His bulky date was six foot tall and built like a pro wrestler.
Their size difference reminded me of the black widow spiders often featured on Animal Planet. As soon as the tiny male has delivered his sperm package, he's got to be quick on his heels (all 8 of them) or the huge female will gobble him up.
Fortunately, Yai survived to tell the tale - which is precisely what he did when I ran into him again this week.
June 15 2005
Luk khrung: Mixed-race, mixed fortunes
Tiger Woods, Tata Young (See Tata Young: Sexy, naughty, bitchy) and Thongchai "Bird" McIntyre are perhaps the best known offspring of Thai mothers and foreign fathers.
Known locally as luk khrung, they're a small but highly visible minority in Thailand. If you're married to a Thai girl, you'll most likely end up fathering a few of your own.
Much admired for their pale skin and good looks, some famously end up working in TV and the music business. Life for the luk khrung isn't all romantic ballads and complementary finger buffets, however.
Unless I'm a fucken golf star, actor, or a fucken singer most Thais consider me a son of a hooker whose dad has left the bitch after the Vietnam War. I'm so sick of these people asking where my mother is from or how she met my dad. The same old fucken story over and over again.
This reader's mother actually came from a privileged background but the insinuations of his fellow Thais became so oppressive that he eventually quit the country.
February 27 2005
Welfare to work: Isaan pig farm initiative
"I'm not one of those stupid farangs who buys her family a bloody house" says a friend of mine. Instead, he's set his girlfriend's mum on the road to financial independence by means of an innovative new welfare to work scheme - a pig farm.
Each week, he puts a thousand baht into his girlfriend's "pig bag" - a small canvas pouch with "MOO" scrawled across it in blue marker pen.
As any small child could tell you, "moo" is synonymous with cows but, displaying remarkable counterintuitive reasoning, the Thais have allocated this name to pigs. Non-Thai speakers who resort to making animal noises to indicate their desire for a steak dinner might end up with a pork sausage instead.
December 27 2004
CoolThaiHouse.com launches blog
The creator of Thailand's top website for farang home builders has now launched his own blog - making CoolThaiHouse.com a more interesting read than ever (See CoolThaiHouse.com: Building a house in Thailand).
Dozer explores topics as diverse as poisoning soi dogs, the trustworthiness of farang "legal advisers" and why paint tins should be stored upside down. He also answers readers' questions.
Dozer is currently looking for another plot of land in Pattaya. When his next house building project gets underway, CoolThaiHouse readers will enjoy regular updates from the jobsite.
If you're dreaming of setting up home in Thailand, Dozer's contagious enthusiasm could have you reaching for your hardhat.
September 5 2004
Coolthaihouse.com: Build a house in Thailand
After meeting the girl of your dreams in Thailand, you might want to build the house of your dreams here too. Mango Sauce reader, Dozer, built his in Pattaya - and it cost him less than a million baht (US$25,000).
The entire adventure is chronicled on Dozer's own website. Everything that he wished he'd known before starting out is explained in detail. There are no ads and he's not selling anything. His excellent website is a labour of love - and it's required reading for anyone who dreams of building a house in Thailand.
Farangs aren't allowed to own property in Thailand so, before he could buy his plot of land, Dozer had to register a company. Buying the land in the name of a special Thai lady is another option but, in my view, this is very unwise. The legal complexities of company registration are fully explained on Dozer's website.
August 10 2004
Farang conman robs Thai women
Posing as a senior executive, Skip (not his real name) introduces himself to rich Thai women in upscale nightspots. His charming, confident manner and impeccable dress-sense certainly make him look the part.
His talk is of stylish living, lavish houses and luxury cars but, in reality, a couple of decent suits and a battered rucksack are all he owns. Skip has never held down a proper job in his life, preferring instead to make his living separating rich gullible Thai women from their money.
The Thai media likes to present farang men as shrink-wrapped off-the-shelf husbands with a house and car included in the box - a Thai woman's dream come true. Consequently, farang blokes are often presumed to have integrity - which plays right into the hands of slimy conmen like Skip.
He chatted-up one of my Thai girlfriend's wealthy mates last year. Let's call her Fon. His saccharine patter soon won her heart - but not her complete trust. When she refused to "lend" him money on various flimsy pretexts, Skip finally resorted to the lowest trick of all - rifling though her purse while she was in the shower.
August 4 2004
Mango Sauce 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004)
Clair: Hi-ya, Ali. Oooooo... lovely blouse.
Alison: Mmmm, it's Prada. Your hair looks fantastic.
Clair: I've just had it done.
Together: Lovely!
Bob: You look like shit.
Alan: Shut your pie 'ole, baldy.
Bob: Someone needs to take you in hand.
Alan: Tell that to your boyfriend.
Women rarely participate in internet forums like Mango Sauce. In the real world, they live in a bubble that shelters them from good-natured argument so they often feel intimidated by a robust exchange of views. Brainy Isobel II, however, is the exception that disproves the rule. She uses her academic prowess to take on the scariest monsters lurking in the Mango Sauce basement - just like Velma off Scooby Doo.
The eerie spectacle of a chain-rattling Mr Peter clomping about in a deep-sea diving suit has failed to scare her away and she's now become a regular and valued contributor. She's a bit pissed off about some of my articles, though.
I've found a lot of the articles useful because it mirrors some of my own observations. Some of the comments and slant of the articles about farang women piss me off but this is how you see/represent it.
We all know that there are loads of attractive and likeable farang girls out there but to repeat this in every posting would be stating the obvious. My rants are not directed at them. It's the loutish element that I object to.
August 1 2004
Farang women on endangered list
Britain's native red squirrels have been largely pushed aside by immigrant grey squirrels from North America and there are now thought to be just 160,000 left. Wayne Rooney's recent bust up with his fiancee could be the last straw for them.
For those unfamiliar with the loveable scally scamp, he's England's star striker and, like most men with a few quid in his pocket, Wayne also enjoys shagging prostitutes - which is reportedly why his girlfriend, Coleen McLoughlin, flung her $38,000 engagement ring into a bush at the Formby Point squirrel sanctuary near Liverpool.
$38,000 might be pocket-change to the excitable Coleen but, considering that it could buy almost two years of daily two-girl action at the Eden Club, it's hardly surprising that Formby Point visitor numbers have soared. Hordes of bubble-permed Indiana Joneses are said to be crashing through the undergrowth with metal detectors concealed under their shell-suits. It's yet more bad news for the red squirrels.
If the authorities were to lift the rules that restrict the free movement of stunning Thai babes, conservationists warn that the indigenous women of Farangland could soon suffer a similar fate. The grey squirrel owes its success to gathering food more quickly than the red but, paradoxically, the Thai woman owes much of her success to gathering food more slowly than her lumbering rival.
July 29 2004
Young stud seeks new life in Thailand
Life in Thailand feels pretty good when you've got a beer in one hand and a bikini-clad go-go dancer in the other. In a country where the cash-strapped locals offer unlimited blow-jobs to smiling tourists, it's easy to understand why visitors keep flocking back year after year - but it's not entirely clear why anyone would want to become a cash-strapped local.
Interestingly, despite the obvious drawbacks, thousands of eager young studs with cash-flow problems do plan to relocate to Thailand this year - and here's a typical email from one of them.
When I came back... I felt so shitty, till this day. My hate to the western world has become bigger and bigger... people seem only to be interested in money and career. I want to go back... I want to build something up. I'm not only interested in the Thai women. For example, the nature, Buddha, the food ... it just makes me feel home.
Right now I'm working full-time to save money, ALL for Thailand... I can't hold it longer then max. 6 months then I want to get in the plane, and fly back. I don't expect to bring a lot of money with me... about 5000 Euros.
My real dream-idea is to buy, or first hire land, and later buy land, to build my own small house (if it's like a den, I don't care... sleep, eat, shit.... I'm satisfied for quite a while) but I'm not happy to hear the stories about getting and holding a visa, and what about work? Maybe u can tell me more?
The secret of a happy life in Thailand is financial independence - because earning money here is very difficult. When a solvent guy asks for advice, it's easy to point him in the right direction. A little money goes a long way here and the buying power of a Farangland income increases by four or five times. This is good news for those living on an investment income or working for a multinational company but it's of little comfort to horny dreamers with limited resources.
July 28 2004
Pattaya jumper blames intelligence failures
Due to the technological superiority of their armed forces, America and its allies can always count on crushing their third-world opponents in a conventional war. So why do they get defeated so often? Poor judgement is the most likely explanation for these foreign policy bloopers - but our leaders often prefer to blame "intelligence failures."
Many ordinary farang fellas also underestimate the resolve of their third-world adversaries - Thai bar girls - but very few would admit to having poor judgement. They too prefer to blame intelligence failures - "The bitch lied to me!"
Like beefy US Marines, we are better educated, better equipped and better funded than our enemies and, given that we hold all the cards, victory seems assured. However, as our political leaders know only too well, Johnny foreigner doesn't always play by the rules
In Vietnam, worn down by the guerrilla tactics of the Vietcong, the US administration opted for a chaotic airborne exit from the rooftop of their Saigon embassy. In Thailand, worn down by the cheating tactics of Thai bar girls, many farangs opt for a chaotic airborne exit from the balcony of their Pattaya apartment - but most neglect to book a helicopter first.
We need to reconsider our battle strategy. If the US and its allies can deploy high-tech weapons in combat, then so can we. Last week, we learned about a device that can disrupt bar girl command and control networks (See Rude Thai bar girls foiled by phone jammer) and, today, we'll be learning about another important weapon in the War on Error - the polygraph.
July 3 2004
My upstairs downstairs Thai vixen
Three times a week, I pay a charming young Thai girl to visit my apartment for an hour or so - but I've never seen her naked. She is, in fact, my maid and her job is to chase the cockroaches away from the dirty dishes and to peel my soiled undies off the wall. She's very cute and her services cost just 1,600 baht ($40) a month.
Because it's cheap, almost everyone in Thailand has a maid and, if you're as uninterested in housework as I am, it's one of the best reasons for living here. Curiously, though, some people regard the employment of others in the home as immoral but I don't really understand why.
Giving a complete stranger the run of your apartment seems strange at first but you soon get used to it. In Thailand, most maids are honest but, in stark contrast, a friend who used to live in Cuba told me that his were all ingenious thieves - his toiletries would slowly get siphoned off and the new batteries in his TV remote would always be swapped for duds.
My own maid is a treasure. She's delightfully shy and polite and as pretty as any go-go dancer. The Thais are a status-conscious bunch, though, and I've been warned that any attempt to be chummy with her would cause serious embarrassment. Consequently, our relationship is rather medieval.
In my History Channel influenced daydreams, I often order the comely wench to disrobe and join her master in the bedchamber - but, if I tried it on for real, the lady of the house might get seriously medieval on my ass. Shagging the maid might be out of the question but I sometimes peer over the top of my newspaper when the little minx is bending over to dust the skirting boards (See The erotic appeal of Thai housework).
June 27 2004
Thai food: Nice bits for me, nasty bits for her
In Farangland, feeding your Thai wife is a logistical nightmare. A new husband quickly realises the importance of providing his teerak with authentic Thai food 24 hours a day - because tearful hunger-strikes are hard to ignore.
When suitable Asian supermarkets have been located and when expensive Thai take-outs finally give way to home cooking, an unexpected upside reveals itself. Amazingly, whenever you're sharing a cut of meat, she genuinely prefers to eat the horrible fatty tough dangly bits - leaving all the edible parts for you.
At my local chicken noodles stand, the vendor is all too happy to offload the breast and thigh onto me. Most Thai customers, including my girlfriend, prefer the feet, wings, hearts, bums and even beaks.
Last time, however, the vendor made a mistake and we both ended up with Thai road-kill soup. While my girlfriend was up ordering a replacement for me, I pushed the two bowls together and rearranged the contents so that a beak was poking out of mine and a pair of feet were sticking out of hers. On her return, I used a chopstick to perform a low-budget version of the popular magic trick known as cutting the lady in half.
It's not just a chicken-related phenomenon. I eat the fleshy parts of grilled king prawns but my girlfriend prefers to suck the brains out of their heads and to crunch their tails between her teeth. When I eat lean pork, she loves to chew on the rolls of fatty skin - particularly when they're still covered in hair.
June 26 2004
Farang ex-wife gets the message
Before he moved to Thailand, Mango Sauce reader Neil was taken to the cleaners by his farang wife.
I had been down the same path as most of the permanent ex-pat community here - married to a fat farang bitch, house and all my possessions stolen etc.
Wishing to move on but not being one for writing long letters (See The best divorce letter ever written) he sent her this photo instead.
I heard no more of her whining after that...
Neil is now happily married to the young lady sitting on his left and they've been together for over ten years.
June 13 2004
Thailand: A great place to be ill
The Pattaya bar-fly who drinks himself into a coma can't expect too many visits from his farang drinking buddies. They're too busy keeping his seat warm. His favourite Thai bar girls will probably turn up, though, and it's quite possible that they'll take turns to keep him company. Passing away with a bar girl holding your hand isn't such a bad way to go. It's certainly better than lying undiscovered of the floor of your London apartment for six months before police kick the door down.
We farangs don't like to get too close to the messy business of sickness and dying but the Thais seem to relish any opportunity to demonstrate their compassion. I've no reason to doubt their sincerity either. Thai soap operas often feature hordes of weeping relatives attending the hospital bed of someone with a sprained finger and it's a bit like that in real life too. Twenty-four hour vigils are the norm rather than the exception.
Consequently, it's very hard for us farangs to meet the care expectations of our Thai girlfriends when they become ill. The western concept of suffering in silence is unknown to them.
Yesterday, my Thai girlfriend's hair got a bit wet when I surprised her in the shower. She wasn't complaining at the time but, subsequently, her damp hair sparked a major health crisis. She reported muscle aches, sore eyes, exhaustion and a litany of other symptoms. The outward sign of her condition was a slight sniffle.
I just couldn't take it seriously and she got really pissed off. Finally, when I teased her with a display of mock concern, her vitality came flooding back and she hurled me onto the sofa with the strength of ten men before attempting to crush my windpipe with her tiny doll-like hands. It was a miracle recovery by any standards.
May 12 2004
Should I buy a business for my Thai hooker?
Setting up a business in Thailand is the dream of many farang guys - and their preferred business partner is normally a local prostitute.
Mango Sauce reader, Rick, has asked us for some advice.
I met a Thai hooker in a hotel in Bahrain. She is 30 and other hookers here say they should start thinking about a husband. She is a great cook and loves to be in the kitchen and loves cooking Thai Food. She loves to see the satisfaction on her friends' faces and mine as well when she serves up a great Thai dish or barbecue. The other girls say open a restaurant for her and would do it as long as it is done in Thailand in a Thai Ltd. Partnership with a lawyer. Still, I'm not sure I would have any recourse. I worry more about the law than the girl actually. Yeah, her parents are from Isaan and they are poor but the two younger sisters living in Bangkok are self sufficient; working honestly but school fees paid to the youngest by my flame, the oldest. Any suggestions out there? I was thinking of leaving my job in Bahrain and take her with me to open a restaurant. Really, this girl can cook and often suggests I open a restaurant. I can't understand why she hasn't done it before. Any suggestions/advice would be welcome - Rick.
As luck would have it, Combover sent me the following article, which was posted anonymously to a message board.
I have some advice for any westerners out there contemplating moving to Thailand. If you are rich and are sensible with money, then go ahead. If an international company or similar offers you a high salaried job in Thailand then fine. If you are retired or have steady funds from abroad and want to live modestly on those funds, go ahead, but watch yourself. And if you're a young dude travelling around the world, and you want to spend some time in Thailand teaching or whatever for experience, then that's OK too.
But if you don't fall into these categories then *don't* consider it for a moment. Many middle aged westerners in particular (including professionals) like the idea of living there, having a business or making some money and "enjoying life" in Thailand. But very few make it. (Forget about western restaurant or bar owners and alike you might meet in Thailand boasting about their good life there. It is common for faltering foreigners to keep up appearances). Mostly they end up broke or crazed, sometimes both. Then they leave.
May 11 2004
My Thai prescription for happiness
I've been asked to justify my perspective on life.
Last week, I wrote a piece about the hypocrisy of women who deny the existence of female sex tourism (See Three faces of female sex-tourism in Thailand).
A few days later "John" left this comment.
There is something cowardly and creepily disturbing about you and your voyeuristic approach to life. You sit in judgement of Thai-Farang society low-life, when you are obviously a part of it, albeit all take and no give. Your article about visa runs sums you up man: "lost days". That says a lot about your perspective on life. Why don't you go and get one! - John.
The measured tone reveals that "John" isn't a nutter but "he" makes emotive statements without offering any supporting arguments - just like farang women often do. "He" finds the adventures of fun-loving farang blokes "creepily disturbing" - just like farang women often do. "He" fails to understand what makes a man happy - just like farang women often do. Perhaps "John" has got her panties in a bunch.
My approach to life is, in fact, the exact opposite of that advocated by judgemental farang women like "John." The views of narrow-minded bigots once influenced me - but not anymore.
Despite a fairly affluent lifestyle, my existence in Farangland was a pretty miserable one. Coffee kick-started me in the morning, Prozac got me through the day and alcohol knocked me out at night. I worked far too hard and, at home, I had to endure my farang wife's constant nagging. I struggled on like this for many years but then I had a moment of clarity.
May 8 2004
Three faces of female sex-tourism in Thailand
A dirty old man groping a Thai teenager is the media's favourite image of Thailand but, away from the neon of Patpong and Pattaya, beach resorts like Ko Phi Phi are home to farang sex-tourists of a different gender.
At first sight, these places don't appear sleazy - and, of course, that's the whole point. Women abhor sleaze. For them, paid sex can only take place in a romantic setting, under the guise of a holiday fling, and there are plenty of guitar-strumming Thai gigolos willing to assist them - at a price. It might not be extracted today, it might not be extracted tomorrow but, before our farang girl's holiday comes to end, the account will have to be settled. Just like everyone else, Thai gigolos have to make a living.
Not surprisingly, though, female sex-tourism a very touchy subject. Here's the view of a farang girl who, rather confusingly, calls herself Nong.
I've never heard of a western woman having to pay a Thai man. That's ridiculous. Thai men have asked me out and when that didn't work some resorted to offering me money.
"Nong" has never paid for sex but she must be walking around with her eyes closed because there are certainly plenty of farang girls who have. They deny being sex-tourists, of course, but how else do you describe a tourist who buys sex? Lesbians tend to be more honest but it's hard to make feeble excuses when you spend your entire holiday paying go-go dancers to lick you out (See Farang lesbian lust in Thailand).
April 28 2004
What do farang girls say about us?
Many ex-pat fellas dismiss farang girls as being arrogant and miserable but, in reality, there are plenty of exceptions. I wouldn't choose a farang girlfriend myself, though. It's not that I dislike my own kind - it's just that I like Thai girls better (See In praise of Thai girlfriends).
Most farang guys seem to feel the same way. Up against opposition of this calibre, you might expect the ex-pat girls to raise their game but, unfortunately, most don't. Instead of sharpening up their act, they prefer to sharpen their knives. Mango Sauce reader Mandy is typical of the type:
I feel sorry for guys who can't find a decent girl and have to resort to poor countries like Thailand. Guys who kid themselves that these "pretty" Thai girls swoon over them because they are humorous, good looking etc are pathetic. Wake up! They are nothing but whores! I don't understand why western guys find all Thai girls attractive. Most of them are ugly as fuck and they look more like men. Don't forget that they always give you something to remind you of them -- STDs! - Mandy.
What could be more irritating than being patronised by a stupid person? This comment is ill-informed, misleading and downright offensive but, unfortunately, more than a few farang girls living in Thailand would probably agree with her. Men who value courtesy and politeness are unlikely to be impressed by these loud judgemental women. That's why they date Thai girls instead.
April 16 2004
Stop whining you jammy farang bastard
This is the edited version of a brick-bat hurled by a fella calling himself Objective Observer. It's a bit of a rant but he does make a very good point.
Why not return to wherever the hell you come from and get a dose of reality? You'd crawl on your knees like dogs for any women close to a Thai girl if you were back home and you damn well know it. You guys are living in paradise and are so jaded or angry that you don't even know it. You ought to get off the slamming of Thai bar girls too, as it indicates your total ignorance of the real world. You lucky bastards live in a sexual paradise and whine and whine. You can spend a night in Bangkok with a wet-dream girl for the price of admission to a lap-dance joint anywhere else in the entire first world. You guys have it made and you don't even know it.
His comment was directed at me but I'll say a few words in my defence later. In the meantime, I want to share a story about a guy who used to be my friend. Let's call him Keith Misery.
March 29 2004
Thai balcony death-plunge for Suicide Sid?
Every year, hundreds of suicidal farang fellas max out their credit cards and head off to Thailand for a final fling. It's a bit like when kids with leukaemia get sent to Disneyworld - except the rides here aren't suitable for children.
Occasionally, I stop for a drink at a small beer bar off Sukhumvit. One of the regulars there is a quiet English fella called Sid (not his real name) who always sits alone watching the UBC sports channels. For two years we exchanged nothing more than a nod but, one evening, he turned round and said hello.
My surprise soon turned to astonishment. Far from having nothing to say, silent Sid turned out to be very articulate. He was well travelled, knowledgeable and a pleasure to talk to. He seemed a little world-weary but I was still surprised when he calmly said that he planned to kill himself quite soon.
March 18 2004
Thai true stories: Lively chicken dinner
Last year, I met a young backpacker called Adam who had visited rural Isaan for the first time. Unable to speak Thai, he communicated with the locals using sign language.
For dinner, he wanted to eat chicken but couldn't make the waiter understand. Getting to his feet, he pretended to be a chicken by flapping his elbows and bobbing his head. The waiter gestured that he didn't understand and called his Thai buddies over to help. Adam obliged by adding sound effects to his routine.
March 1 2004
Thailand closes at midnight tonight
Despite tatty, rubbish-strewn beach resorts, ugly congested cities and a lack of cultural attractions, Thailand has built a thriving tourist industry that accounts for some 15% of its GDP. Perhaps it's the laid-back charm of the Thai people that keeps us coming back. Without this, Thailand would have less tourist appeal than South Korea.
Thailand was once renowned for its tolerance but, sadly, not anymore. Puritan policies are now in vogue. In the name of social order, Thailand's once freewheeling entertainment industry is struggling to survive under increasingly severe restrictions. Tonight, all but a fraction of the nation's entertainment venues will be forced to close at midnight.
The exceptions tell their own story. Tired Thai plutocrats can still linger in their favourite Ratchadapisek and New Petchburi watering holes until 2am. Similarly, their wayward offspring can still dance until the early hours at the RCA. Without spoiling the fun of the ruling classes, ministers have decided that everyone else should be sent to bed early like naughty children - locals and foreign tourists alike. At midnight, the farang-friendly bars of Pattaya, Phuket and Bangkok (excluding Patpong) will all fall silent.
February 16 2004
Farang Bigfoot roams Thai shoe shops
I never suspected that I was a big-footed freak but, in Thailand, my arrival at any shoe shop causes confusion and laughter. Thailand truly is the land of the little people and you could be forgiven for thinking that shoe shops cater only for children.
Choosing a style is pointless because they won't have it in stock. The only option is to ask if they have any ridiculous clown-boots. After much rummaging, the assistant will return with a dusty pair of pink moccasins - one size too small. Despite having many farang customers, Bangkok department stores are as short on large sizes as the independents.
January 31 2004
Out of touch with Farangland
Britain's Premiership football stars are now better known for their performance off the field than on. Tales of debauched group sex sessions, known as roastings, have titillated readers of Britain's tabloid press. Though a Brit myself, I only know this because it was reported second-hand in the sports pages of the Bangkok Post.
As a Thailand-based ex-pat, I keep track of Farangland events by watching BBC World (See UBC: Thai satellite & cable TV), reading the Bangkok Post and subscribing to a couple of lad-mags. Though I'm fully aware of Tony Blair's declining fortunes, I'm now utterly clueless about what's hot and what's not in the fluffy world of British entertainment and fashion.
December 25 2003
Farang lesbian lust in Thailand
Sitting in a Thai go-go bar, you might have noticed unaccompanied farang girls lurking in dark corners. With few places of their own to go to, farang lesbians often visit mainstream girlie-bars in Patpong and Nana Plaza. They always get a warm welcome.
So what are they doing there? Exactly the same as the guys, of course - but they probably don't see it that way. I've yet to hear any woman admit to being a sex-tourist. No doubt, they give their needy Thai sistahs cash gifts rather than payment for sexual services.
Many go-go dancers are lipstick lesbians and openly bisexual. Some come in pairs. Every go-go bar has at least one butch waitress. Despite being outnumbered by guys 20:1, muff-munching farang girls just can't keep away. Read on to learn more about the experiences of real-life lesbians in Bangkok.
December 20 2003
Pattaya people: Freak or unique?
I'm horribly fascinated by farang sex freaks (See Does farang life turn you into a sex freak?) so I jumped at the chance to go freak-watching in Pattaya. Typically, freaks set themselves apart by combining questionable dress sense with an unfortunate hairstyle and odd sexual tastes.
My mate devised an interesting drinking game. As we sat in a bar on Walking Street, we played competitive freak-spotting. Over 2 hours, an even number of freaks would make me the winner. He needed an odd number. We saw ZZ-Top wannabes, body-modification junkies, Conan the Barbarian and a cowboy arm in arm with a giant ladyboy and a midget-girl. Eventually, we lost count and all bets were off.
Top freak of the day was a powerfully built bloke in his 60s wearing only blue denim dungarees over bare flesh. I reckon that the seams were Velcro - allowing him to disrobe in a split second. A ridiculous ginger wig made him look like a mutant Jim Bob Walton.
The photo is a bit of a cheat because I actually snapped it on Ko Samui. Wearing only flimsy black underpants, our bubble-permed hero rampaged around the town centre. Like a striking cobra, he stuck his tongue into every passing Thai woman. Notice how an unseen hand pushes another victim into his sloppy embrace.
November 19 2003
Does Thailand turn you into a sex freak?
Farang sex freak
When you see a half-dressed old codger mauling ladyboys on a public street, you have to wonder how his life came to this. More importantly, could those of us who stay here too long end up the same?
It crossed my mind that it would be quite amusing to put six naked Thai women on the kind of roundabout normally seen in a children's playground. In a sexy version of Russian roulette you could have your wicked way with one girl and then spin the roundabout when you fancied a change. To add bit of excitement, one of them could be ugly. In Thailand, you could easily find six willing girls. It's finding the roundabout that would be the challenge.
I used to be incredulous when stars like Michael Douglas confessed to a sex addiction. For most people, the chance would be a fine thing - but most people don't live in Thailand. Here, the opportunities for misbehaviour are mind-boggling. Everywhere you go, pretty girls hover like flies. Anyone with a few quid in his pocket can share the suffering of Hollywood's elite.
November 3 2003
The risks of complaining in Thailand
Recently, a friend of mine was enjoying a drink in a well-known Patpong go-go bar. Without thinking, he paid with a 1,000 baht note. Inevitably, he only got the change for 500. When he complained to the mamasan, she became hostile. After a short argument, she called the bouncers over to throw him out. One of them punched him hard in the face.
When westerners receive poor service or get ripped-off they naturally complain. However, in Thailand, they are often shocked at how badly their complaints are dealt with.
In a similar situation, a Thai would normally remain silent. They know that even the mildest criticism is deeply offensive to a fellow Thai. Once a conflict has started, it can quickly escalate. Fear of losing face (the ultimate humiliation in Thai culture) means that neither side can back down. Faced with either losing face or spilling blood, most Thais opt to say nothing.
This huge cultural difference makes voicing complaints very tricky indeed. Even helpful criticism is unwelcome. If you get bad service it's best just to ignore it and take your business elsewhere.
October 16 2003
Playing the Thai visa game
Thai visas on every page
Recently, hundreds of western tourists with incorrect visas were arrested and jailed in appalling conditions. Some had their heads forcibly shaved. These days, long-stay foreigners can suffer serious consequences if they lose at the visa game. Thai hospitality isn't what it used to be.
Being turned away at the border is everyone's worst nightmare. In theory, you could lose your home, girlfriend and possessions at a stroke but, in practice, this seems rare - only naughty boys end up on the immigration blacklist. If you avoid visa violations, law breaking and political activities there should be no problem.
Many foreigners living permanently in Thailand hold only a tourist visa. The promise of a 60 day stay is the only security they have. A 30 day extension is normally granted but, after that, they must leave the country to get a new one. Quarterly visa runs are an irritating fact of life.
October 14 2003
Would your Thai wife murder you for cash?
Another hapless farang murdered by Thai wife
Have you noticed how many western men living in Thailand seem to suffer violent deaths? Fatal road accidents, burglaries gone wrong and balcony death plunges occur almost daily. Usually they warrant only a couple of lines in the newspaper. Recently, however, I learned about one of these cases in more detail.
Earlier this year my Thai girlfriend went back to Buriram to renew her ID card. Ahead of her in the queue was the widow of a recently deceased westerner who was weeping and being comforted by her brother. She was seeking the authority to claim her dead husband's estate.
When asked for the death certificate, she tearfully explained that her husband had died only the previous day and the hospital had not issued it yet. The desk officer said that he could not process her claim without it.
Suddenly, her tears dried. Over several hours, she argued with officials in a voice loud enough for the growing crowd to hear. It turned out that she had been married for just six months to her farang husband. He had finished building their house only two days previously. On the day of his death, they were celebrating its completion with a small party.
September 26 2003
Mistaken for the Bangkok Bank
A victim of groin lending
As "wealthy" foreigners, we are often asked for loans - as if we were the Bangkok Bank. Needless to say, kindly farangs rarely get their money back.
Dealing with the financial needs of a Thai partner's family is a common problem. Regardless of what they might say, any loan would be regarded as a gift. It wouldn't win their love or respect either. Do you love your bank manager?
Polite attempts to seek repayment would be brushed off. More serious attempts could lead to conflict and might even put your life in danger. Your girl would have to side with her family. If she was a prostitute (or even if she wasn't), this could be the sting she has been planning all along.
Generosity is a virtue but it shouldn't be confused with lending. In a family situation, paying a reasonable dowry or giving a monthly allowance might be more appropriate. If money was the reason she married you, once it is spent or lent you are of no further use to her. Keep control of the purse strings.
September 19 2003
Why do farang girls hate Thailand?
Farang girls love Sambuca but hate Thailand
Have you ever seen an ex-pat with a farang girlfriend? Me neither. Throughout Thailand, farang girls have been swapped for Thais in a manner reminiscent of the 1950's science fiction classic Invasion of the body snatchers - "it's some kind of pod... aaagh!" Why does this happen?
Loads of farang girls enjoy holidaying in Thailand with their boyfriends. It's the ones who come with their girlie mates who discover that the fortnight is not as fun-filled as they had hoped. Just like the rest of humanity, western girls relish the chance to meet new people and get fucked rotten. It's the second part of the equation that Thailand often fails to deliver - for girls, anyway.
I visited the island of Koh Samed a few months ago and noticed a group of pretty English girls who were out looking for a good time. In Ibiza, these provocatively dressed minxes would've had to beat the fellas off with a shitty stick. On Koh Samed, however, they partied alone. There are no girlie bars on the island, so the western guys had all played it safe and brought their Thai sweethearts along.
As the girls' frustration mounted, one of them copped-off with a Thai waiter. There was no age gap but the height gap was a bit noticeable. She popped him into her pocket and took him back for a night of fun in her bungalow.
Next day, I was lucky enough to overhear part of the post-mortem. Apparently he was quite sweet but had burst into tears when she asked him to use a condom. His English was quite basic but he was able to explain his family problems and financial difficulties.
August 28 2003
My wife is a minger. Should I run away to Thailand?
My wife is a minger
This is the question that many men ask themselves each time they put down their heavily-soiled copy of Asian Babes.
Do you have what it takes to start a new life in the exotic East?
Yes? Then why not put yourself to the test.
- Do you want to teach English and get paid with pretty sea shells and colourful beads?
- Do you like shy girls who hide behind towels and only let you get it in half-way?
- Do you want to live with a raddled prostitute who cheats you into financial ruin before buggering-off back to her drug-dealing Thai boyfriend?
- Do you want to become a fat, tedious, no-mates twat with a bottle of Chang beer welded to your hand?
- Do you want to amuse the ladies of the Nana Disco with your ridiculous dyed comb-over whilst trying to coax them back to your filthy cinder-block cell for a grudging sympathy-fuck?
- Do you want to buy a dream bar, go broke and stage a dramatic death-plunge from your Pattaya balcony?
If you can answer yes to at least three of these questions, then get ready to pack your bags. You're off to live in Thailand!
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
