June 14 2004

My Thai girlfriend's unusual cruelty

As a child, my Thai girlfriend used to enjoy playing Badminton. As dusk fell, however, a new and, for her, far more enjoyable game would begin - smacking low-flying bats with her racquet. Conservationists would have been appalled at the scene of carnage as the twitching bodies of the harmless furry insect-eaters piled up at her feet. "We do every day but after one week they not come" she lamented.

Holidaying together in Cha-am, we spent one happy evening chasing crabs on the beach. Our struggling prisoners were detained in a plastic bag. My girlfriend wanted to keep the cowering crustaceans in our bathroom where, no doubt, she planned to subject them to inhuman and degrading treatment. She was furious when I set them free.

In Jackass: The Movie a sea cucumber dangles provocatively from the shorts of an irresponsible swimmer. As he rubs it, the beast ejaculates spurts of white liquid in a rather suggestive manner. When the sea-cucumbers of Koh Samed failed to ejaculate when she poked them with a stick, my girlfriend became bored and took to battering blameless limpets with a rock. I had to physically restrain her before she inflicted irreparable damage on the island's fragile coastal ecosystem.

That evening, her reputation was tarnished further when, during our romantic candlelit dinner under the stars, she proceeded to masturbate a stray dog with her foot. To her dismay, it too failed to ejaculate.

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I'd always been led to believe that this sort of thing goes against Buddhist principles. When challenged, my girlfriend revealed that most Thais are convinced that wrongdoers will get their comeuppance in this life - not just in the next. Her words would prove to be prophetic.

Her reign of cruelty came to an abrupt end in kitchen of our Bangkok apartment. She arrived home with a large bundle of edible frogs. The vendor had already coshed them over the head but, when their string was cut, three of the undead amphibians hopped off - with my knife-wielding Thai girlfriend in hot pursuit. Leaving her to it, I sloped off to watch TV.

Deafened and bleeding, the BBC's John Simpson was struggling to make a live report from the scene of an American air attack that had, only minutes earlier, destroyed his convoy. Just then, my girlfriend let out a blood curdling scream. Missing her intended target, she'd managed to stab herself in the hand during an unfortunate "friendly fire" incident of her own.

[Posted to Diary by David]

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Readers' comments

mr peter says:

She should have been a vet-peter

June 14, 2004 2:24 PM

Whippet says:

Haha! So true! "Its not cwuel if it is animal, wight?" proclaimed my ex.

June 14, 2004 2:46 PM

george says:

Your girlfriend is a bit strange

June 14, 2004 6:16 PM

Royal Troon says:

I would suggest providing your girlfriend with "walking papers."

June 14, 2004 9:16 PM

moss man says:

Funny stuff! Try taking some sugar out of her diet.
My (straight as an arrow) thai girlfriend often made a motion with her index and middle fingers, like the Victory sign, slowly closing them together, usually after I ignored her in the company of others for too long. She's gone. But maybe yours has been showing you her playfull-aggressive-sadistic side deliberately. Okay, so she's a bit bored and desensitized, but is she is giving you a subliminal message?.... distract me, or I might grow weary cutting only small mammals and amphibians! Time to turn off the TV too, that stuff desensitizes everyone! Give her a good one!

June 15, 2004 1:11 AM

Mitame Unchi says:

Fiction.

June 15, 2004 7:45 AM

David says:

Mitame - The facts of this story are true and fairly unremarkable. If you think that it's fiction, you must lead an exceptionally quiet and uneventful life.

June 15, 2004 7:39 PM

Billy Z says:

Don't let her catch you messing around with other women! She'll not miss your cucumber with that knife and the ducks will be feeding that night...

June 15, 2004 8:02 PM

tonychang says:

Show her the back of yer hand!

June 16, 2004 3:24 AM

SiLeakHunt says:

Give her a driver

June 16, 2004 4:52 AM

Rod says:

With millions of available women in Thailand, why don't you find a kinder girlfriend? This one sounds like a sadistic nutter.

June 21, 2004 1:55 PM

BANGKOK_VIRGIN says:

lol ROD

June 24, 2004 6:05 AM

TANAI KWAI says:

Arrgh!!!

Just when I'd gotten the image of that jeering frog with the $20,000 dollars worth of porcelain veneers out of my nightmares!

(where did I leave my fucking Halcion?)

June 24, 2004 6:18 AM

scott b says:

Sadistic little bitch...

Royal Troon was right about giving her those "walking papers." I'd kick that one to the curb if I were you.

June 24, 2004 10:34 PM

Combover says:

I think she sounds fucking hilarious. But half probably because David is able to see the funny side.

So much for quiet little boring submissive little Thai bints.

Anyone care to base a blog on their western birds exploits (with apologies to Masie & Isobel for fanning the flames of reactionary abuse)?

June 25, 2004 9:47 AM

mrpeter says:

Just as we have seem to have more or less seen off the wankers club we are now being swamped with shite spam, is there now way to stop this? It would not be so bad but the price these idiots are asking for viagra etc are outrageous, any idiot, even me can find far cheaper online sources for all this stuff-peter

July 24, 2004 11:09 PM

Get a life says:

Eh? What shite spam?

July 25, 2004 2:32 AM

mr peter says:

It gets taken off pretty quick depending on what uncle David is up to. Yesterday there were about 12 advertising prozac, slimming pills, casinos that sort of thing. Pity no thai sex workers are advertising their wares, at least that would be interesting.-peter

July 25, 2004 4:51 AM

Get a life says:

Oh, I understand. Not being one who spends his whole life here, I must have missed it.

July 25, 2004 4:59 AM

Dana says:

Not one of the computer gods--Gates, etc--has figured out a way to keep the sewer outfall pipe of spam form taking the computer experience away from the user. There hasn't been any progress in the last 5 years to protect the home user. I don't think they are even trying anymore. I'll bet if you could get 20 beers into these guys they would admit that they don't even have any research dollars being spent on the problem because the problem can't be solved. This is the Achilles heel of home computer use. This story hasn't been told yet. Some day the home user may abandon computers entirely for all online activities in favor of some new technology that allows them to keep insurgents out of their lives and the lives of their children.

July 25, 2004 5:25 AM

Ubangi Me, Ibangi U says:

Unfortunately, abuse is one of the prices we have to pay for a free and unencumbered communications medium. When a medium is controlled, spam can be kept at a minimum. In the US there are anti-telemarketer laws now. On TV and radio you must buy air time and there are standars bodies to keep people in line.

We should consider what price we would have to pay to eliminate the intrusions. The Internet is one of the only avenues available for widespread uncontrolled discourse and communication. Would the cure be worse than the sickness?

July 25, 2004 6:32 AM

Raz says:

I think she had some issues ....

August 8, 2004 3:28 PM

Johnny says:

My gf seemed to take great delight when in restaurants by "massaging" me under the table with her foot. At first it was quite enjoyable, I really couldn't tell wether she was having fun humiliating me or making me happy. I know in buddism you aren't suppose to do these types of things with your feet. It's hard to know exactly how they think, as I've seen many previous assumptions being broken. I could give numerous examples, but we've all seen this.

June 23, 2006 7:42 AM

Road Natzi says:

She was probably going to put those crabs in her pussy, so next time u fucked her.........geeeeeze, shes a sick bitch.....DITCH HER DUDE !!!

Im trying to work out whos sicker, her or me.....if u dump her, can i get her mobile number????

RN

December 25, 2006 4:17 PM

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