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Thailand is probably the easiest place on Earth to score with farang women - if you can be bothered. I had a couple of mates over from England this week and, despite being middle-aged and ordinary, we had to beat off pretty young farang girls with a shitty stick.

While dining at Anna's one evening, we noticed a couple of farang babes sitting in stony silence on the next table. Their outrageous slutwear and miserable expressions made them look like snotty Russian hookers so we didn't give them a second glance but when Anna Kournikova's better-looking sister tottered off to the toilet her semi-naked brunette mate turned round to say hello. They were actually from England.

Like most Western girls holidaying in Bangkok, they were all dressed up with nowhere to go and had given up trying to put a brave face on it. We were being sounded out as their unlikely saviours.

Readers unfamiliar with contemporary Brit-chicks probably fantasise about the top-drawer totty on BBC World (This video of Dharshini David explaining that "oil in London has reached a 14 year high" is like porn to me) but the awful reality is that, these days, the flower of British womanhood aspire only to whipping their tits out on Big Brother and talking undiluted shite.

They are, however, quite easy to pull - so long as you don't stray too far from the script:

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1. Yes, he sounds like a real bastard/asshole/wimp/loser.
2. Yes, they've seriously underestimated you.
3. Yes, it must have been terrible. You're so brave.

And if you manage to stay the course:

4. Yes, I've got a couple in my wallet.

Young lads can sometimes endure the self-pitying monologue for just long enough to manoeuvre a Big Brother fan into the right position but, when you're older and less tolerant, it isn't worth the effort.

In truth, we were flattered to be hit on by a couple of farang pornstar-a-likes (it would never happen in England) but nursemaiding them around the nightclubs of Bangkok was certainly not on our agenda. Patpong beckoned so we politely said goodnight.

Halfway down Patpong 1, we were waylaid by Rachael from the USA and Stephanie from Canada - a couple of cute 20-somethings who wanted to see a sex show but didn't want to get ripped-off. They must have taken us to be a trio of hardened sleaze-hounds who knew a thing or two about Patpong pussy shows - quite correctly, as it turned out.

As the ping-pong balls ricocheted around their heads, the girls reacted quite differently. After a few moments of open-mouthed disbelief, Stephanie was soon helpless with laughter. She was a trainee physical education instructor so it goes without saying that she was game for a laugh.

Rachael, on the other hand, went straight into stony-faced disapproval mode. When another performer removed a trumpet from her pussy and gave it a final toot with her mouth, her expression turned to disgust. She let slip that she was studying psychology - which, to my mind, explained everything.

Feigning tiredness, an increasingly hostile Rachael persuaded a reluctant Stephanie to bring their adventurous evening to a premature end.

The Verdict

Anna Kournikova's better-looking sister: Arrogant princess reduced to mixing it with the peasants for a fortnight. Total waste of time.

Semi-naked brunette: Guaranteed shag - and probably a very good one too - if you could tolerate her self-absorbed whining for a couple of hours.

Rachael: Any man foolish enough to date a strident American psychologist deserves all he gets.

Stephanie: Potentially good company - but needs to be separated from her miserable mate.

Despite going the extra mile to advertise their availability, many farang girls in Thailand lack the seduction skills required to turn a nibble into a bite. In contrast, their Thai sisters don't hesitate to go man-trawling with the romantic equivalent of drift-nets and explosives.

At the close, I went home to my girlfriend and my mates opted for the usual Thai take-out.

[Posted to Diary by David]

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