June 16 2004

Maradona, my voyeuristic Thai gecko

Every room in Thailand is assigned its own gecko (known locally as a jing-joke). Defying gravity with their sticky feet, they're often found on the ceiling. Mine is called Maradona - after the footballer with the famously adhesive feet and, on occasion, hands. Both have highly dilated pupils. Grabbing a gecko's tail will cause it to detach. The same may also be true of the diminutive sportsman's nose - however, in his case, it probably won't grow back.

Maradona's appetite for insects is to be applauded but, when I'm on the job, it's disconcerting to know that his beady little eyes are taking it all in. I do hope that he isn't wanking.

Being a Thai gecko isn't without its problems, though. Here's a piece from last Saturday's Bangkok Post entitled "Man found in possession of 400 geckoes."

Udom Prasunthorn, 41, was arrested by wildlife officials at a forest plantation in the Mae Mo district of Lampang. More than 400 geckoes were found in a sack recovered from the victim's pick-up truck. Mr Udon reportedly confessed to having been contacted by a trader who paid about 3 baht per gecko. He was charged with violating the Wildlife Protection Act.

Senior wildlife official Bovorn Kuldilok said that many northeasterners believed eating geckoes could increase their libido. The lizard was also a popular delicacy abroad, particularly in Taiwan.

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With a price on his head, I'm now seeing Maradona in a new light. By an amazing coincidence, 3 baht is also the cost of a local phone call in Bangkok - the price I must pay each day to update Mango Sauce. The unwillingness of many visitors to click the banner ads means that I must reluctantly auction Maradona off to the highest bidder. Come on fellas - the Bangkok Post says he'll put lead in your pencil.

Sensible offers for my cockroaches will also be considered.

[Posted to Diary by David]

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Readers' comments

Tobias Patterson says:

Not to Get off of the subject, but it is illegal for me in my country, the united states of america, to threaten the head of our government in any way, shape, or form, even if you are joking.

So can you people, the citizens of other nations, send as much threatening email to:

president@whitehouse.gov

please make sure all messages are graphic and life threatening and direct all comments to
The Honorable Mr. George W. Bush Jr.

I would really appreciate it.

June 16, 2004 12:48 PM

smee says:

sorry david.. will make a point of clicking on your banner ad each time i visit.
as to threatening emails..is that such a good idea, no matter where you live?
how about an email in the words of the immortal homer... dubya, you're a stupidhead!

June 16, 2004 1:25 PM

zed says:

consider it clicked

June 16, 2004 1:58 PM

sniffer says:

Talking of things both against the law and off-topic; is it really true that vibrators are illegal in Thailand? I seem to remember David or someone writing that this was in fact the case. My Thai gf is well kinky (me too, I suppose) and I've brought a couple back for her on trips abroad. She just told me "In Thailand, no have" Have I been risking a spell in the BKK Hilton by bringing them into the country?
Also can you send threatening letters to my boss. He's an even bigger moron than Dubya. Cheers

June 16, 2004 2:12 PM

Combover says:

Well - they've certainly got a few grubby ones (vibrators) in Eden Club, not to mention also at those "artistic" shows in the the likes of Long Gun & Angelwitch.

June 16, 2004 2:24 PM

Gordon Gecko says:

I've just clicked all the banners I could find, including the one which was advertising the purchase of frequent flyer points. Does anyone know if Thai Airways participate in this scheme?

I'm sick of flying Hessian class and would like to upgrade to one of those personal cages. Last time I flew down from Udon Thani I was crammed into a sack with 400 other passengers. Overcrowded, no cabin service or lights, no food and I'd say at least 75% of us lost our tails upon landing.

June 16, 2004 2:29 PM

sniffer says:

Thai gf reckons you can buy dildoes but not vibrators. Would it be the former at the gentlemen's clubs you mentioned?

June 16, 2004 2:30 PM

Combover says:

Dildoes*, vibrators, strap-ons, the lot. At Eden anyway.

* Do you add the "e" like in potatoes, or is it spelt "dildos", thereby conjuring an image a zealous Mexican sausage manufacturer?

June 16, 2004 2:37 PM

sniffer says:

believe it or not, my fingers were flexed over the keyboard for a few seconds as I pondered that very question. still not sure. apologies if I Dan Quayled the "e"

June 16, 2004 2:39 PM

Combover says:

The author of Eats, Shoots and Leaves - the pedant's Bible - suggests that there is a movement supporting the introduction of a Spanish punctuation mark (~), for use in difficult foreign sounding words ending in vowels when pluralising them, in order to avoid the misuse of the apostrophe.

Thus "dildos" would become "dildo~s" as opposed to the oft and incorrectly used possessive "dildo's" (and now I am NOT referring to those at EC).

June 16, 2004 2:49 PM

sniffer says:

i love thai girl's...

June 16, 2004 3:29 PM

Iffy says:

A seller of phallic devices various got busted a couple of weeks back in Mike shopping mall, and had all her stock removed, scuppering her world-record attempt.

But fear not, a visit to any self-respecting Thai veg market will send you home with enough perishable dil-do, dil-does, dil-doesn't,and dil-don't do that again, (but no dil-pickles), to keep one, or two, amused for hours.

For the advanced root vegetable fanatic, and ex-Blue Peter watcher, you can hollow it out and insert an electric toothbrush, and, hey presto! You've buggered up a toothbrush, a perfectly good piece of veg, and your relationship.

June 16, 2004 7:06 PM

TANAI KWAI says:

For those combing the shelves for vibrators, worry not. The Gillette company is now provisioning them en masse via the new vibrating "Mach 3" shaving system:

"Gillette M3Power features Micro-Power�, a gentle pulsing action powered by a Duracell AAA battery."

The engineers at Gillette have considerately shaped the MACH3Turbo to "feature knurled elastomeric crescents and metal grooves that provide better handling and control."

Steel yourselves to the surprise of discovering your lady using this product in some unconventional ways.

http://www.gillette.com/products/grooming_men.asp

(...)

June 16, 2004 8:57 PM

Mike says:

If that's not enough, Gillette Mach3Turbo, to be connected to the car battery. Can be used by 2 in one time...

June 16, 2004 9:21 PM

Basil Brush says:

Go to www.toyfortom.t35.com for a mail order service. I wonder what shape the packages will be ? Could give Postman Pat a nasty shock.

June 17, 2004 8:25 AM

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