September 7 2004

The collected wisdom of M

M hasn't made it to Thailand yet but a lifetime's pursuit of pleasure in the pubs, clubs and betting shops of Britain's industrial northeast has taught him a thing or two.

Today, he shares this wisdom with us.

Never buy a woman a second drink until she gets one in.
Always wear a johnnie, unless its a gobbler like.
Once you're settled down, never give your real name or address.
In a fight, kick for the knees and run like hell.
Always carry your CIU card - working men's clubs are cheaper than pubs.
Pea and ham soup is your fixer if you're bad with the beer.
If you don't fancy the favourite in a handicap, always back the top weight.
Women love being picked in front of their mates. Go for second best, buck her and then go for the better one later.

He hasn't said anything avoiding the girls with big hands but I don't suppose you get many of those in Tyneside.

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[Posted to Diary by David]

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Readers' comments

Pat Paulsen says:

Thanks for Mango Sauce.

At the beginning to one of my favorite movies, "The Long Good Friday," there is what seems to be a credit-role, which in fact is something like a translation for many of the colloquialisms used throughout the movie. If you're not English, Bob Hoskins thick accent is difficult to understand, nevermind where he's come from. It takes some patience to figure out what they're saying at times, but the action is enough to keep you on your toes. Still one of the best.

I've got a spot of bother here; I need a translation...what is a "Johnnie," or a "gobbler like" johnnie, or the "top weight" (?)

Pat

September 9, 2004 12:15 AM

Top_Cat says:

"Johnnie" = Condom

"Gobble" = Blow job.

The use of the word "like" is just added to the end of a Geordie sentence to emphasis the point being made.

You know what I mean like.

I think "Top weight" refers to the larger "lady" in the company of a number of lady friends who may not be considered the most attractive.

Because of her limited opportunities/attractiveness she may be more willing to indulge in carnal pleasures of the flesh.

As opposed to the attractive favorite who is highly fancied and is more restrictive in who she bestows her pleasures on.

In summary a snippet of polite Geordie male conversation:

"Get yersel ower the Toon and geta had o' some fat boiler. If yer gan canny shus boond tee yer give yer a gobble in the netty man.

Whey I diven't knar aboot that like, but I'll give it a gan."

If still confused then purchase the latest publication of "Larn Yersel Geordie."

Chok dee.

Top_Cat

September 9, 2004 1:36 AM

Pat Paulsen says:

Pnny stuff, the more you say it,
the more sense it makes, sort of.

I like variations in any language,
hmnn...thirteen types of "heart,"
eighteen different types of bar girls(i don't know
what i'm talking about)twenty-one
interpretations of snow, etc, etc.

"bottle"= courage

"grassed"=to tell on

(from TLGF)

I "diven't knar aboot that like."

Thanks...

Pat