March 27 2007
MySpace date ends in trailer park pissing party
Trailer park Jane weighs in at 350 pounds and can barely lift herself off the couch. Her alcoholic stepfather coached her how to look retarded so she could claim welfare benefits and she's now trying to squeeze out a couple of rug rats to increase her entitlement. The only problem is that 99% of American men are unwilling to have sex with her.
When my Thai ex first moved to the US, life in a rural trailer park nearly drove her mad. When it came to choosing friends, she couldn't be too picky. Most afternoons, Jane would drop by to watch TV and munch her way through a bucket of Wal-Mart toffees.
December 27 2006
Near death experience at the Madrid Bar
For one Christmas reveller, a beer in Patpong's historic Madrid Bar could have been his last drink on Earth.
It was Christmas Eve and the arrival of an unaccompanied farang guy went almost unnoticed. He ordered a drink but dozed off while one of the bargirls massaged his shoulders.
With his unsupported head tilted back almost ninety degrees and his mouth gaping, the man's odd posture caught the attention of my friends.
"Is he ok?" One of them asked.
"Yes," the girl replied. "He have only one drink."
Half a minute later, the guy's lips had turned purple and his face was beginning to go blue. When his fingers started to change colour too, my friend realised that the cold towel on its way from the bar wasn't going to revive him.
July 10 2006
Body double at Bangkok's Eden Club
Taking two girls is mandatory at Bangkok's notorious Eden Club and a gentleman is expected to... ahem... play all six pockets of the pool table. I was chaperoning a couple of fun-loving British visitors recently so, naturally, I took them there.
One lad, who'd just had his hernia repaired, was worried that the energetic Eden girls might turn the tables and "tear him a new one" but the other was game and, when he finally emerged, the twinkling smile on his happy little face would've melted the heart of even the most resentful feminist.
Apparently, he'd just monstered Charlie's Angel, Lucy Liu.
May 13 2006
Violated by Thai ladyboys
Buy me cola
The first and last time that I ever (knowingly) bought a drink for a ladyboy was at Casanova in Nana Plaza.
In the early days, my Thai girlfriend was always pestering me to take her to a nightlife area. Whether your partner is Thai or farang, this is always a mistake but, foolishly, I relented and we ended up at Nana Plaza.
Predictably, she hated the regular go-go bars but Casanova drew her in like a magnet. Soon, she was happily swapping make-up tips and ordering "man-drinks" for all (at my expense) while I was left to fight-off a horrendous moon-faced predator with buttock-implants like shopping-bags. I felt more endangered than a wildebeest with a club-foot.
When you're in a bad situation it's always reassuring to think about those in a worse one.
January 3 2006
Pulling farang girls in Thailand
Thailand is probably the easiest place on Earth to score with farang women - if you can be bothered. I had a couple of mates over from England this week and, despite being middle-aged and ordinary, we had to beat off pretty young farang girls with a shitty stick.
While dining at Anna's one evening, we noticed a couple of farang babes sitting in stony silence on the next table. Their outrageous slutwear and miserable expressions made them look like snotty Russian hookers so we didn't give them a second glance but when Anna Kournikova's better-looking sister tottered off to the toilet her semi-naked brunette mate turned round to say hello. They were actually from England.
Like most Western girls holidaying in Bangkok, they were all dressed up with nowhere to go and had given up trying to put a brave face on it. We were being sounded out as their unlikely saviours.
Readers unfamiliar with contemporary Brit-chicks probably fantasise about the top-drawer totty on BBC World (This video of Dharshini David explaining that "oil in London has reached a 14 year high" is like porn to me) but the awful reality is that, these days, the flower of British womanhood aspire only to whipping their tits out on Big Brother and talking undiluted shite.
They are, however, quite easy to pull - so long as you don't stray too far from the script:
June 16 2005
Thai shemale donkey-punch
Beer is the Thai shemale's best friend and, after a heavy night out on Soi Cowboy, I must have looked like a soft touch. "Walking like a crab" is the local expression for my condition - and it didn't go unnoticed.
Like mosquitoes, Thai shemales prefer to hover in the shadows as they wait for their inebriated farang meal-tickets to pass by - but they're considerably more difficult to swat (or donkey-punch). The poorly-lit area beside the Asoke Junction footbridge is prime habitat and it was here that my path was blocked by the area's alpha shemale.
I cupped a hand over my groin to deflect the inevitable "Bangkok handshake" but my big-handed admirer was unusually persistent. Sensing that a robbery was in progress, I turned to catch a second shemale reaching for my wallet.
Without pausing to think, I punched the six-foot (in heels) thug who was restraining me - somewhere between the waistband of his sprayed-on silver hot pants and the plunging neckline of his diaphanous baby-doll negligee - but, instead of finding a soft underbelly, it was like punching a teak log. He barely flinched.
September 7 2004
The collected wisdom of M
M hasn't made it to Thailand yet but a lifetime's pursuit of pleasure in the pubs, clubs and betting shops of Britain's industrial northeast has taught him a thing or two.
Today, he shares this wisdom with us.
- Never buy a woman a second drink until she gets one in.
- Always wear a johnnie, unless its a gobbler like.
- Once you're settled down, never give your real name or address.
- In a fight, kick for the knees and run like hell.
- Always carry your CIU card - working men's clubs are cheaper than pubs.
- Pea and ham soup is your fixer if you're bad with the beer.
- If you don't fancy the favourite in a handicap, always back the top weight.
- Women love being picked in front of their mates. Go for second best, buck her and then go for the better one later.
He hasn't said anything avoiding the girls with big hands but I don't suppose you get many of those in Tyneside.
August 2 2004
My Silom Soi 4 Thai gay experience
In Thailand, the guava is known as a farang fruit - but it never crossed my mind that the locals might actually mistake me for one.
Last week, when I put on a purple shirt, my Thai girlfriend suggested that I might look better in a blue one. She's never been keen on it but, this time, I pressed her for a reason. Reluctantly, she explained that, in Thailand, men wear purple to advertise their homosexuality.
I wish that she'd told me sooner. For years, it seems, I've been walking around Bangkok looking like a slightly overripe farang fruit. This solves the puzzle of why impeccably-dressed young Thai men were always asking me for directions.
In areas popular with westerners, you can hardly fail to notice the extraordinary number of Thai gays walking hand in hand with their farang sugar-daddies. Nowhere is the phenomenon more obvious than on Silom Soi 4 - the Bangkok hang-out of the style-conscious guava. Here, well-preserved farang men sporting the latest teenage fashions can often be seen sharing special moments with their youthful Thai buddies.
Readers might be surprised to learn that I went drinking there last week - but, before anyone gets the wrong idea, I'd like to make it absolutely clear that the only dark secret lurking in the Mango Sauce closet is my never-to-be-worn-again purple shirt (See My Bali gay slur #1 and My Bali gay slur #2).
July 27 2004
Noo nah hoo-hah
My favourite breakfast restaurant has another equally regular customer - but he always runs away without paying. He is, in fact, a rat - known in Thailand as a noo - and a very resourceful one too.
Blocking his hole is pointless because he just pops up somewhere else. Poisons and traps have also proved ineffective. Over the last six months, the crafty beast has survived more assassination attempts than Pakistan's General Musharraf - and the perplexed farang owner has run out of ideas.
Today's hoo-hah kicked-off when the emboldened rodent set to work tickling the ankles of a large table of office girls. Alerted by the commotion, the owner's Thai wife gave chase and the startled noo dived for cover under the welcome mat. Sensing that victory was at hand, she mercilessly pounded the lump with both feet.
As she cautiously lifted-up a corner of the mat, we all leaned forward to examine the hairy drinks coaster that must surely have lain underneath - but there was nothing. The wily noo had escaped again.
June 16 2004
Maradona, my voyeuristic Thai gecko
Every room in Thailand is assigned its own gecko (known locally as a jing-joke). Defying gravity with their sticky feet, they're often found on the ceiling. Mine is called Maradona - after the footballer with the famously adhesive feet and, on occasion, hands. Both have highly dilated pupils. Grabbing a gecko's tail will cause it to detach. The same may also be true of the diminutive sportsman's nose - however, in his case, it probably won't grow back.
Maradona's appetite for insects is to be applauded but, when I'm on the job, it's disconcerting to know that his beady little eyes are taking it all in. I do hope that he isn't wanking.
Being a Thai gecko isn't without its problems, though. Here's a piece from last Saturday's Bangkok Post entitled "Man found in possession of 400 geckoes."
Udom Prasunthorn, 41, was arrested by wildlife officials at a forest plantation in the Mae Mo district of Lampang. More than 400 geckoes were found in a sack recovered from the victim's pick-up truck. Mr Udon reportedly confessed to having been contacted by a trader who paid about 3 baht per gecko. He was charged with violating the Wildlife Protection Act.
Senior wildlife official Bovorn Kuldilok said that many northeasterners believed eating geckoes could increase their libido. The lizard was also a popular delicacy abroad, particularly in Taiwan.
June 14 2004
My Thai girlfriend's unusual cruelty
As a child, my Thai girlfriend used to enjoy playing Badminton. As dusk fell, however, a new and, for her, far more enjoyable game would begin - smacking low-flying bats with her racquet. Conservationists would have been appalled at the scene of carnage as the twitching bodies of the harmless furry insect-eaters piled up at her feet. "We do every day but after one week they not come" she lamented.
Holidaying together in Cha-am, we spent one happy evening chasing crabs on the beach. Our struggling prisoners were detained in a plastic bag. My girlfriend wanted to keep the cowering crustaceans in our bathroom where, no doubt, she planned to subject them to inhuman and degrading treatment. She was furious when I set them free.
In Jackass: The Movie a sea cucumber dangles provocatively from the shorts of an irresponsible swimmer. As he rubs it, the beast ejaculates spurts of white liquid in a rather suggestive manner. When the sea-cucumbers of Koh Samed failed to ejaculate when she poked them with a stick, my girlfriend became bored and took to battering blameless limpets with a rock. I had to physically restrain her before she inflicted irreparable damage on the island's fragile coastal ecosystem.
That evening, her reputation was tarnished further when, during our romantic candlelit dinner under the stars, she proceeded to masturbate a stray dog with her foot. To her dismay, it too failed to ejaculate.
June 5 2004
Thai girlfriend wrestles my anaconda
Those penis enlargement conmen are always sending me junk emails but, as we all know, their claims are bogus.
A questionable ligament cutting operation might make your knob a bit longer but it will also end up considerably floppier. Obese fellas can lose weight to achieve noticeable length gains but it takes a lot of effort. There has to be a better way.
Instead of making your cock bigger, why not consider making your sex-partner smaller? There's never been a better time to trade in your massive farang girlfriend for a smaller Thai one. Relative size is the key issue.
This is how Father Ted explains the concept to a baffled Dougal.
Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing at cows in field) are far away...
May 27 2004
McDonald's awards me crap mystery gift
If you go to the Siam Square branch of McDonald's in Bangkok, you might get served by the Thai Prime Minister's youngest daughter, Paethongtan. Unfortunately, though, the inclusion of medium fries within the set meals means that you won't get to enjoy her asking "Would you like flies with that, sir?"
Paethongtan looks startlingly like her dad, so she should be easy to spot. You'd better place your order quickly, though, because she's starting at Chulalongkhorn's political science faculty next month. Perhaps 24 baht an hour wasn't enough to tempt her into building a career with the global burger giant. In fairness to Paethongtan though, the "If you've time to lean, you've time to clean" mentality of the place would provoke me into murderous rage within minutes.
Though McDonald's Thailand can't guarantee that Paethongtan will always be on hand to flip your burger, at 89 baht, its Big Mac meal has to be about the best value anywhere. It comes with the unusual option of chilli sauce and you'll probably win a mystery gift too.
Because Thai people rarely order Big Macs - preferring instead the mysterious Pork Samurai Burger - the wrong-footed staff will probably fail to prepare your meal within the promised 60 seconds and so you'll almost certainly qualify for a consolation prize. Don't hold your breath, though, because it's a bit crap.
May 16 2004
Thai bar girl pukes on latest Nokia
The damp demise of my crappy old Nokia (See I fucking hate Songkran) was a good excuse to buy a new one. The food vendors on my soi are all packing the latest handsets and so they would look at my brick-sized behemoth with undisguised pity. A visit to Mahboonkhrong (MBK) on Siam Square was long overdue.
Offering thousands of new and second-hand handsets, MBK is Bangkok's undisputed cellphone Mecca but you're lucky to get a receipt - let alone a guarantee. Buying a high-end model second-hand is particularly risky because its previous owner was probably a bar girl.
The endless arguments between a Thai hooker and her "boyfriends" are usually sparked by her phone. Suspicious male callers, incriminating text messages and theatrical threats to call to the police often result in the device being hurled across the room. Also, customers often want bar girls to drink alcohol instead of cola and, not wishing to refuse, they normally end up vomiting in the toilet - and their phones regularly fall in.
I did find one used phone at MBK that didn't belong to a bar girl. The previous owner was a Thai fella who had enjoyed the affections of several different girlfriends at once. I know this because his memory card was full of their private messages and photos. A "memory full" error message kept flashing up and the guy probably thought that his phone was broken. In his haste to offload the thing, he neglected to delete 32 megabytes of blackmail material.
Buying the most desirable handsets second-hand saves you only about 10%. Once you'd replaced the fake battery and fixed the bar girl damage it would probably end up costing you more than a new one. Buying a new grey import makes more sense but caution is still required. The fidgety Thai fingers of the MBK phone traders invariably rummage through every sealed box - and they never put things back.
May 15 2004
Female torso sparks Thai Airways terror alert
Those novelty cigarette lighters from Pantip Plaza are hilarious. One design features a bikini-clad Asian babe whose clothes fall off when you light up. Others repeat short phrases like "I love you, I love you, I love you" but the ones that blurt out rude expressions are much funnier - unless you work for Thai Airways.
My ex-girlfriend bought four different models for her new American in-laws but made the mistake of taking them back in her Thai Airways hand luggage. In Osaka, the security dorks confiscated two of them. They reckoned that the fake Zippo and the chrome female torso might bring the plane down in flames over the Pacific but that the bikini babe and the talker were perfectly safe.
May 5 2004
Crazy about Japanese girls #2: Close quarters
All the other students in my Thai language class were Japanese girls. They couldn't speak English so we got to know each other by chatting in pitiful Thai. It was all rather surreal. They were a friendly bunch, though, and were soon offering me tasty Japanese snacks from their Hello Kitty lunchboxes. Both the girls and the snacks were irresistible so I consumed their food like a huge cuckoo. As my fame spread, Japanese girls from the other classes would come round to feed me too.
Inevitably, I took on the role of class-clown and my efforts were rewarded each day with a giggle-fest of shy Japanese laughter. The Thai teacher, Khru J, was great too. She loved to raise dodgy subjects for discussion - and farang misbehaviour was her favourite. For some reason, she always addressed the most impertinent questions to me.
Naturally, I presented myself as a clean-living chap with no interest in such matters. I did, however, admit to having once been to the Ministry of Sound - a windowless concrete nightclub visible from the classroom. Architecturally, it looks similar to a dodgy massage parlour and Khru J asked me if it actually was one. In setting the record straight, I carelessly revealed the full extent of my nightlife-related vocabulary. Khru J knew all along that it was a nightclub, of course, and had lured me into an elephant trap. She took the piss mercilessly and I never lived it down.
May 4 2004
Crazy about Japanese girls #1: The myths
I've never shagged a Japanese girl but it's definitely on my list of things to do before I get too fat and ugly. Watching them frolic semi-naked in the swimming pool of my Bali hotel (See Japanese bikini babes in Bali) was a wet-dream come to life. Legend has it that they make near perfect girlfriends too.
My exhaustive research into naughty websites reveals that the Japanese favour bizarre sexual practices in which intercourse plays little or no part. When she's not downing a pint of lukewarm semen, our heroine is usually tied up and buried neck-deep in smelly human waste.
Consequently, I'd be worried that an overeager Japanese girlfriend might try to curl one down on my face while I was sleeping. "But I thought you'd be pleased" she'd sob. This puts into perspective the relatively minor cultural differences that have to be overcome by Thai/farang couples.
Apparently, many Japanese women feel unable to criticise their husbands but, if an issue can't be ignored, they might ask a mutual friend to have a quiet word. Instead of asking to borrow your lawnmower, the neighbours might call round to suggest that you pay more attention to your wife's clit during lovemaking.
April 18 2004
The World's scariest cockroach chases
When my Thai girlfriend collected her treasured photo albums from her mum's house, she didn't consider the resident army of cockroaches. Her oversight allowed a small platoon of foot-soldiers to hitch a lift over to our place.
I'm no etymologist but I've managed to identify two distinct species of cockroach in the Thai urban habitat. They probably have fancy Latin handles but we are all men of science here so I'll refer to them by their proper names - big'uns and little'uns.
Though the big'uns have long regarded my apartment as home, the little'uns have always had more pressing business elsewhere. Their strategy must have changed, though, because, when my girlfriend set the albums down on the floor, they jumped out and steamed through immigration without filling in their landing cards.
April 14 2004
I fucking hate Songkran
If some wanker threw a drink over you in a pub, the correct response would be to punch his fucking lights out. During Thailand's Songkran week, however, the rules of polite social conduct are turned on their head.
If the same wanker drenches you with a bucket of filthy water - thereby ruining your clothes and short-circuiting your cellphone - you have to smile like a gormless twat or people will accuse you of not entering into the spirit of things. Fuck that - I'm determined not to leave my apartment all week.
February 12 2004
Ya-dong humiliation on Soi Cowboy
At the Asoke end of Soi Cowboy is a stall selling a potent brew known as ya-dong. Reputed to have medicinal properties, it's an evil-looking brown liquid full of unidentified solids. Having drunk it before, I'm painfully aware of its loon-juice effects. Last night, despite my warnings, three friends decided to try a glass or two.
The first went crazy and goosed every go-go dancer in Soi Cowboy. The girls couldn't believe their luck because he bought lady drinks like they were going out of fashion. He can't remember how he got home but, despite wanting to score, he woke up alone, fully clothed and with only 20 baht in his pocket.
January 20 2004
Thai food: Pad Thai cockroach Fantasia
It's not every day that you see Thailand's vermin performing the Chinese dance of the mushrooms from Walt Disney's Fantasia, but this is exactly what happened the last time I bought pad Thai noodles at Ekkamai bus station.
A fat old lady took my order and, as I waited, I noticed a couple of cockroaches emerge from the broken sewer hatch underneath her stall. Suddenly a little face appeared behind them and out popped a mangy-looking rat. The old lady beamed with delight. "He name Peter!" she laughed.
She threw down a handful of food and things started to get weird. More cockroaches appeared and, soon, a dozen of them were dancing around the rat, each one carrying a bean sprout. As if this weren't trippy enough, the old lady was, by now, shrieking with insane laughter and repeating his name.
January 16 2004
My Thai girlfriend's KY Jelly revenge
I want to set the record straight about my Thai girlfriend. I'm also going to reveal how she taught me a painful lesson with a tube of KY Jelly.
By Buriram standards, she's a middle-class girl. We've known each other for about 3 years and she's clever, funny, charming and beautiful. People who see us together probably think that I'm batting above my average.
Through her, I've learned a lot about Thai women - particularly about how they wind farang men around their little fingers. At first, she got everything her own way and any resistance on my part was futile. I had to work hard to raise my game to her level.
The key battleground was our sex-life. She would decide on the time and the place and would keep me waiting for ages while she prettied herself up. Incredibly, one glimpse of my spotty arse wasn't enough to send her into an uncontrollable sexual frenzy. Of course, if our relationship was to thrive, this would have to change.
January 12 2004
Fucking serious: Mom finds out about blog
Writing Mango Sauce anonymously allows me to be totally honest about my life in Thailand. Today I received this from a fellow Thailand-based blogger.
Last year, The Onion published a piece (now deleted) about Kevin Widmar's mom finding out about his weblog - and therefore his sex life. Kevin's quote: "I'm so fucked." Here it is in full:
Mom finds out about blog
MINNEAPOLIS, MNÔø?In a turn of events the 30-year-old characterized as "horrifying," Kevin Widmar announced Tuesday that his mother Lillian has discovered his weblog.
December 22 2003
Marriage proposal in Pattaya
A strange Thai girl proposed marriage as I stumbled back to my Pattaya hotel last Saturday. It wasn't a joke either - she really meant it.
It was 2am when a pair of Thai girls blocked my path. One could have been a bar girl but the other looked like a regular businesswoman. Apparently she was. Her English-speaking friend explained that she was a respectable girl looking for a farang husband. She chose Pattaya as her hunting ground because "it have farang too much."
When she realised that I spoke Thai, the businesswoman's face lit up. She bombarded me with questions and became very enthusiastic when she found out that I was unmarried and lived in Bangkok. "Give me your number" she said. "We can meet up in Bangkok and then get married." She went on to describe how perfect her life would be.
Before she could continue, I cut her short to explain that I had a girlfriend already. "Why didn't you tell me before?" she cried as she stormed off into the night.
December 5 2003
Questionable Hmong limericks
Yesterday, I emailed a mate and mentioned the Thai hill tribe known as the Hmong. This is what he sent back:
it all seemed to go wrhong.
She said it may be short where you come from
but to me it's bleeding lhong.
Not to be outdone, another mate came up with this classic:
was out on the lash in Patpong.
On his 25th Singha
he got off with a minger.
A ladyboy known as King Kong.
Suck on that, Shakespeare.
November 21 2003
World-class Cheap Charlie
I had to laugh when a mate sent me this charming limerick.
What is he trying to imply?
Though I wear my Cheap Charlie badge with pride, I would hesitate before going this far:
There was a young man called Dave
Who dug up a prostitute's grave
She was mouldy as shit
And missing a tit
But look at the money he saved
Some visitors to Thailand might regard this as helpful advice (See Does farang life turn you into a sex freak?).
November 15 2003
A Thai woman scorned
Last week, my Thai next-door neighbour introduced herself when I was playing pool at Flyers Bar on Sukhumvit Soi 22. I hadn't noticed her before but I knew her Kiwi boyfriend. Somehow, she knew that my girlfriend was away and she said that her bloke was away too. Oh shit - all I want is a quiet life.
She followed me round like a puppy all night (See How to deal with sticky Thai girls). I had to act all neighbourly, so I couldn't tell her to piss off. She gave me the old bullshit about being a good girl but her mates were the hardest-looking pair of bar girls I've seen in a long time. When she discovered that my girlfriend came from Buriram, she acted all superior because she came from Koh Samui. That really boiled my piss.
To cut a long story short, she cadged a lift home in my taxi and invited herself into my apartment - even though I said no. She was banging on about how her boyfriend (my neighbour) was a boring old man of 43. Perhaps the cheeky bitch didn't realise that I'm nearly that age myself. I didn't offer her a drink and yawned a lot before she finally got the hint and left.
Thankfully, her boyfriend comes back from New Zealand in a few days. My ordeal should be over, assuming that she doesn't stir up a shit-storm in the interim. The next knock on my door could be an angry Kiwi with a baseball bat. I've already briefed my girlfriend in case things go tits-up.
November 6 2003
My lethal anecdote and the Heimlich Manoeuvre
Heimlich Manoeuvre
Last night, a friend of mine nearly died when we were eating dinner together in a local restaurant. I was telling him a funny story when suddenly he got a piece of steak lodged in his throat.
I leapt up and pounded his back in an attempt to dislodge it. An American guy dashed over from a couple of tables away and expertly performed the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Thankfully, my friend coughed up the blockage and was able to breathe again. The swift actions of the American guy may have saved his life.
In contrast, the Thai staff were completely clueless. As he coughed-up half a pint of gunk onto his dinner, they acted like my friend was insulting their food. They took away his plate and didn't return with a bowl.
The moral of this story is that you can't expect Thais to save anyone from choking. Basic life-saving skills are almost unknown here. Read on to find out what to do if you find yourself in the same situation.
October 22 2003
Goodbye APEC and good riddance
When I stopped for a drink on Soi Zero last Friday, one of the girls asked if I had brought my passport with me. She said that the police had come looking for foreigners the previous day. Those who couldn't produce their passports were taken away in handcuffs. Photocopies were not acceptable. The victims of these arbitrary arrests were ordinary western tourists.
I didn't have my passport with me, so I decided to call it a night. On the way home, my taxi was held up at several police check points. Fortunately, I got through unchallenged but the experience was a bit stressful.
The reason for my ordeal was this week's Bangkok APEC summit. Thai authorities have gone overboard with heavy-handed clean-up and security measures. We've seen the homeless detained, migrants deported and demonstrations suppressed. Guest of Honour, President Bush, has been careful to distance himself from the measures.
October 1 2003
To dye for a good cause
Ronald Reagan's unfeasibly black hair
I used to laugh at Ronald Reagan's unfeasibly black hair but now I am making an arse of myself in similar fashion.
During a visit to my Thai girlfriend's relatives, one of them said that my hair looked old. The criticism really stung her. I had never given the matter any thought before but after thinking about it I decided to try the dye bottle. The results were fine and no one laughed.
However, when I visited the UK last month, a good mate reckoned that I looked like a cunt. Since he's a slap-head, I put this down to bitterness. However, I had to concede that in strong sunlight my tresses did display a touch of Paul McCartney aubergine haze.
In the UK, only foppish TV personalities dye their hair. However, in Thailand just about everyone's at it. I don't know what to do and now my roots are showing. What a dilemma.
September 20 2003
Appeal to would-be stalkers
Stolen in the Muzzik Cafe, Patpong
Two months ago, I was persuaded to go to the Muzzik Cafe in Patpong. Most guys go once and put it down to experience but the chicks love it. Also popular with tourists, it features second-rate live bands, London prices and clingy freelancers who grope you on autopilot without once looking away from their vapid mates.
On arriving home, I realised that some over-tactile slag had lifted my cellphone - a stylish Nokia 6100. When I called to arrange a ransom, the slut was in high spirits and in no mood to talk. I asked a Thai friend to call her later. My friend reckoned she was a pathetic drug-addict who would be in touch soon - correctly as it turned out. However, she wanted far too much and I ended up telling her to shove the phone up her arse (she could take it quite easily, I suspect).
September 3 2003
Hire yourself a two ton fanny magnet
Stumbling home last night, I discovered that the wandering elephants of Bangkok are back on the streets again. In spite of a Government crackdown, it seems that they never went away and hundreds of them have been hiding behind lampposts for months.
Many people have a deep affection for the beasts and I couldn't resist looking into the pros and cons of keeping one as an exotic pet. Shifting the air-conditioning unit off my balcony would create the perfect habitat.
Herding a reluctant Jumbo several hundred miles down the busy highway from Surin is no longer the obstacle it once was. A number of enterprising Bangkok businessmen have got together to hire them out by the month for between B6,000 and B7,000 ($160/£100). Kilo for kilo, this works out cheaper than even the most low-maintenance Thai girlfriend.
August 27 2003
Snooker legend Jimmy White pesters me in Bangkok
Jimmy White
I was out with a mate last night and we ran into snooker legend Jimmy White in Flyers bar. When asked what he was doing in Bangkok, he said "same as you, I suppose".
After we had shaken him off, we went to The Dollhouse on Soi Cowboy. As the drink started to kick-in, I groped some random gogo dancer. I didn't realise that she was the manager's girlfriend, but he took it quite well. He turned out to be a good (and forgiving) bloke and, at the close, we all went for a beer at his place.
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
