September 3 2003

Hire yourself a two ton fanny magnet

Stumbling home last night, I discovered that the wandering elephants of Bangkok are back on the streets again. In spite of a Government crackdown, it seems that they never went away and hundreds of them have been hiding behind lampposts for months.

Many people have a deep affection for the beasts and I couldn't resist looking into the pros and cons of keeping one as an exotic pet. Shifting the air-conditioning unit off my balcony would create the perfect habitat.

Herding a reluctant Jumbo several hundred miles down the busy highway from Surin is no longer the obstacle it once was. A number of enterprising Bangkok businessmen have got together to hire them out by the month for between B6,000 and B7,000 ($160/£100). Kilo for kilo, this works out cheaper than even the most low-maintenance Thai girlfriend.

Your Ad Here

Taking your new chum back to Farangland for a holiday could be tricky though. His arse is a bit wider than the standard economy class seat. Then there are his tusks to consider. If cabin staff insist that all sharp objects go in your stowed luggage, this could cause red faces all round.

But why bother? Some pickup artists use their cute dog as a prop for pulling birds in the park. Your great big fuck-off elephant would make these jokers look like amateurs. Two tons of lumbering world-class fanny magnet will turn you into Clapham Common's answer to Mick Jagger.

At first glance, the numbers seem to stack up but then you have to factor in the running costs. Your elephant will chomp his way through 200 kilos of food every day. This means that your path to the refrigerator will normally be blocked. The likelihood is that Jumbo and I are going to fall out over domestic issues. In some ways it reminds me of the relationship I used to have with my ex-wife - except she was considerably heavier.

[Posted to Diary by David]

Your Ad Here

Readers' comments

mr peter says:

The best fanny magnet on four legs actually only as three. Get yourself a three legged dog and women dog lovers cannot help themselves asking about the mut. An elephant with three legs is hopeless as they fall over all the time and it's a bugger getting them up on all threes again.-peter

February 20, 2004 4:13 PM