March 31 2004

Relax in a traditional Thai massage parlour

Relaxation isn't the first thing that springs to mind when I think about Bangkok massage parlours but let's put aside "soapy fun" for a moment to explore the underrated pleasures of traditional Thai massage.

"Floating on air" is how many people describe the experience and the positive effects can last for days. Compare this to the dull routine of shagging a bored slapper in a short-time hotel room and you could argue that traditional Thai massage is better than sex. It's available at a fraction of the price too - 250 baht ($6) for two hours.

Traditional Thai massage is fairly intimate so, to avoid embarrassment, don't forget to give your girlfriend a quickie before you go. If you don't want to waste valuable time on foreplay and cuddling, excuses don't come much better than this.

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You can recognise a legitimate Thai massage parlour because it normally offers foot massage too. Unlike the "soapy" massage parlours, you aren't expected to pick your girl. They ought to be a fairly plain bunch anyway. Regardless of the format, parlours packed with pretty girls usually offer more than just a rub-down.

Traditional Thai massage parlours don't offer sexual services but it's rumoured that some horrified customers get wanked-off by rogue elements - particularly when enjoying a private oil massage. However, I'm guessing that few suffer any lasting mental trauma.

Ordinary Thai massage is far less prone to misunderstandings - and is normally performed in a communal room with space for six or more customers. You slip on a pair of pyjamas and then the pleasure begins.

It's important to choose your undies carefully. If they are too loose, the girl will have to push your winkle around when she works on your inner thigh. Replaying Premier League highlights in your head might not be enough to save you from rising to the occasion.

It's all very enjoyable but a couple of moves should be avoided. Don't let the girl use her thumbs to apply pressure to your inner thighs because it cuts off the blood-flow to your legs. Also, don't let her twist your back unless you want to end up in a wheelchair. This move usually comes at the end, so be ready to stop her before she performs it.

When the girl uses her knees on the small of your back, the effect on your intestines is rather like squeezing a tube of toothpaste. It's hard not to let one go. The last time I went, however, the explosion came not from my bum but from hers. For one awful moment, I thought that she'd shit herself but, happily, she'd merely split the arse out of her trousers. "How am I going to get home now?" She wailed.

[Posted to Activities by David]

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Readers' comments

Combover says:

You don't mention how excrutiatingly painful the whole experience can be.

I particularly wince as they dig their tiny brown (and yet immensely strong) little fingers into the tender spot between calf msucle and shin bone.

Mind you - it gets a lot better if repeated a few days on the trot.

Are you supposed to wear undies under those pants they give you?!

Agree that it's best to go for the places with ugly girls if you're not looking for a happy ending, though one time I nearly came a cropper when they tried to palm me off with a ladyboy.

Well - not "palm me off" literally. We didn't get to that stage. That was the only time I felt obliged to protest about what was about to happen and demand another masseuse!

March 31, 2004 4:38 PM

thaidiver says:

My favorite traditional massage is on Suk soi 22. My favorite girl and the only girl I recieve an oil massage from always ends the wonderfull 2 hours with a glorious "happy ending", for a 50 baht tip! I stopped going to soapy massage a long time ago. When I turn over and she spies that meaty farang shlong she can hardly wait until the end of the massage to get her hands on it. Oh Thailand, let me count the ways......

April 1, 2004 9:16 AM

Herbet says:

Any recommended "legitimate" massage places in bangkok? thanks mates.

June 7, 2004 6:08 AM

TANAI KWAI says:

Herbet (like "Sherbet"):

Any of the nice hotels that offer spa services are a good bet, but you will pay through the nose.

Alternatively, there is a place to the right of Foodland on Sukhumvit that offers an array of legit massages (Thai, oil, etc.) for far less. It's adjacent to the lobby of some small hotel.

Or, try the Eden Club on Soi 7 1/2, and bring the wife (just kidding).

(...)

June 7, 2004 6:42 AM

jonboy1 says:

My comment is to thaidiver on his april posting. What is the name of the massage parlor on Suk Soi 22 ? What is the name of your favorite girl as I'll be in Bangkok in a couple of weeks.

Thanks, jonboy1

July 20, 2004 1:54 AM

JD says:

The first time in Thailand, I was looking forward to one of those "soapy" types I had heard so much about. Alas, in my ingorance, I instead picked a "traditional" Thai massage parlour. Foolish me thinking that "traditional" meant blow jobs and the works...

However, towards the end of the session, her hands started drifting towards the naughty bits, eliciting a natural response that started her giggiling. She then demurly asked if I would like a "hand job", to which I eagerly replied "of course!".

She stepped out of the small room, returned about three minutes later and asked: "Finished yet?"

August 7, 2004 12:12 PM

ozricmann says:

Massage's seemed to be the thing to do for that extra slice of sensual relaxation. I still like them but they seem to have lost something after being to so many different places around thailand but the usual requests are still aired by the masusse if in that kind of establishment. So i used to just lie there half asleep and say nothing until that day that i started listening to some of the things that were being said.

This seems now to be the most interesting thing i find apart from the suble cock-jobs like the foot -tug / thigh - press / or candle-wax rub down specials on offer.

sometimes these girls are just bored, no customers etc and in comes a customer and all they want to do is chat, why i ask, they can talk to thier friends all day, ok sure sometimes its money they are spinning you a line but some things i heard could not be 'unbelived', they seemed to be too true to made up, or maybe some of these girls are really sick in the head.

belive me if you travel around thailand and use enough massage parlours, you will hear some of the most amazing things.

So next time you feel like an invigorating chat without clothes or alcohol, you know where to go.

September 1, 2006 4:14 PM

Dick Renegade says:

Any recommended "illegitimate" massage places in bangkok? thanks mates.

September 1, 2006 7:53 PM

ozricmann says:

try the massage parlour next door to eden club in soi 7 sukumvit.

they do all sorts of extras.........!

September 14, 2006 10:28 PM

Chris says:

I LOVE those traditional massages. It's one of the joys of LOS. Fuck that happy ending shit. Just go for the 2 hour deal and relax. If I wanted extracurricular activities, I'd go somewhere else. Only mix massages and fucking with the GF at home. One leads to another. But not with one of those old women. They do know what they are doing when it comes to massage.

June 8, 2007 11:42 AM

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