Up-skirt panty shots on the Bangkok Skytrain

stan ternent says:

I don't want to talk about the first half of the article - itt's boring and it's for losers. It's the second half I want to talk about. That's about WINNERS. That says 1-0 for Mr David. What do you think, Lawro, as you're the only person in the world who'll understand what I'm on about?

Colin Bell says:

I'm with you on this one Stan. Mr David needs to sharpen up his game a bit. He's got to be a bit quicker out of the blocks otherwise people wont be renewing their season tickets come June.

All the best for the remaining few games.

Big Al Hansen says:

To be frank, Colin, it's at the back that the boy David needs to tighten up. He's struggling with the mavericks. Okay, we know it's difficult to cope with the styles of Tanai Kwai and TJ (half the time these boys don't even know what they're going to do with the ball themselves) but we need more of the crunching tackles that have seen the likes of Mike and Mr X stagger off the pitch in tears.

He needs to use the boy John U to stiffen things up - this kid looks like a good player - sharp and knows how to handle himself. The young lad Bangkok Phil could be an asset too - but I'm not yet totally convinced - has a tendency to play the loose balls that can let the opposition in and comes across as a bit of a cocky know it all.

I'm only certain of one thing and that it is that there's no place in David's 11 for;

* grey haired gits with bright orange jackets
* big lads in red and white striped tops who always write 'teh' instead of 'the';
* and so-called 'mates' who won't let their buddies meet their attractive young daughter.

The future is in tall Scots with livid facial scars or, failing that, in baldie guys with beer bellies.

The General says:

Should we all be laughing at these shit posts? Piss off with your 'Big Al Hansen" shitty posts. Unless your going to use the name Peter Shilton then i'm not interested.

Peter Shilton says:

Actually, General, I did laugh at these posts as I thought that they showed a perceptive wit whilst putting across a serious point about the crazy postings that Mr David contends with on a daily basis. There's something about those chaps and their footballing acronyms that just creases me up. By contrast, your posting was the type of humourless drivel that can make the usually pleasurable experience of reading this site such a chore.

However, I'm absolutely skint at the moment. If you know of any good horses that will be running shortly and can lend me a ton (just for a few hours) then I'm prepared to forgive you.

Paul Dukin says:

That's a straight red for you The General. There's no room for two footed lunges on this site.

Sunglass Rob says:

you bunch of fkn bone idle nips
stop yammering and get on teh field
yes thats right teh
its me trademark
you need to get up early doors
get in amongst em
little eyebrows
eh? eh?
back stick
Yorkey he'd always be there for me? ANd Batson, big Lawrie, all of em black as your hat
nothing worng with that mind
you lot, dont want to score
not with real, whiote women
thats why your alwys spunking your porridge up suzie wong gooks up some back alley
you make england proud
and why not

Stanley - pleaseure doing business with you Mr T
not like collymore, lazy bastid

TANAI KWAI says:

This thread has some of the funniest shit I have ever read.

(I'm not terribly well-read but I'm crying.)

I don't know who any of you fuckers purport to be but I get the gist.

John U says:

I'm glad some fucker's enjoying it. I'm bored to fucking tears, so it seems the absolute shit is bringing on the wet eyes like it or hate it.

The names are all old soccer players Tanai. I think they're all from the same guy.

Should be given a red card for time wasting.

And as for Lawro, I think he retired hurt after I invited him to have a latte.

sir alex says:

I agree with big Al. That John U is a sharp one. He could peel a banana with that typing finger. I'll be making an illegal approach to your agent, Johnny boy, so stay by the phone.

John U says:

Whoever you are you soft cunt I'm Vinny Jones to your weeping Gazza. I'd like to get your balls in a nice tight clinch and squeeze till the tears roll.

(Assuming you've seen the classic photo)

For fucks sake give it a rest.

Cynic says:

What a mighty race you English are

Appalled says:

Cynic: This site is an example of the disingenuous and appalling writing on the Internet produced by a rabble of paupers, failures, and sots who occupy the lowest strata of the British expatriate community of Thailand. Be assurred it is no more representative of the English race than it is representative of the vast majority of expatriates.

Cynic says:

Tongue in cheek my friend

Appalled says:

Cynic: Me too. But this will get a rise out of them. Watch.

David says:

Due to the time difference, our UK-based readership only comes out to play in the evening. Like a shy badger troupe - they emerge at twilight from a set at the bottom of the Mango Sauce garden to amuse us with their cheeky antics and noisy sexual horseplay.

John U says:

I like your analogy David. It conjures up an amusing picture of us emerging after dark.

I'm glad you referred to us as UK based by the way.

There have been too many references to the English or English race.

I am a Brit, but not English although I have 50% English blood. I don't want to be described as English. The origin of the rest of the fluid rushing through my veins is Scottish and Welsh. No Irish as far as I know.

lord gary rowell says:

JOhn U - what on earth makes you think anyone gives a fuck about your piss poor blood? you docile little fucker

doesnt surprise me theres welsh in there

you always on about squeezing mens balls and animal husbandry

shut it son, let sthe adults have a laugh

anyway - man u - liverpool tomororw to try keep teh uglies out of fourth...... there will we weeping and gnashing of teeth on merseyside, just between lawro and hansen like

is gerrard shit or not? discuss....

gerard houllier says:

Jihn,

I thought you were okay but you are a [expletive removed - David] of the highest order. You wouldn't know a decent bit of carrot cake if it jumped up and smacked your arse. You eerily remind me of El Hadji Diouf in that you promised so much and have failed to deliver.

Your homo-erotic tendencies (so eloquently summed up by my friend Lord Gary) and your feeble attempts to lick David'a arse are apparent to all. In terms of your nationality, we're all mongrels, wankface, and anybody who checks out their bloodlines really has got too much time on their hands.

get a life, you miserable twat.

Errant says:

Something peculiar afoot here, with a good amount of the commentary being provided from afar. Amounts to a kind of reverse outsourcing, whereby posts originate from a high-wage boiler room of annotation and get sent off to a land of cheap labour.

John U says:

(expletive removed - David) ?????

That must have been a hell of an expletive !!!!!

I thought it was anything goes. In fact I thought I'd seeen all the expletives I knew on this site.

Either there's one I haven't heard of or David is trying to protect my sensitive nature.

Don't worry about me Dave old boy. I've got thick skin, and anyway I wouldn't take anything seriously from these people who are scared of showing their email address.

David says:

John U - Now that you've admitted to having a thick skin, I can reveal that Gerard Houllier called you a cunt. However, not everyone shrugs off insults quite so easily and, as a result, some readers with interesting points to make might be deterred from sharing them. Like most people, I prefer to read interesting comments rather than pointless slagging matches and crude attempts to get a rise out of other contributors - unless they are funny, of course, but this isn't always the case - David.

Errant says:

Could be some of this rancour has to do with off-site minds colliding with on-site minds.

Those who post from afar hold an unfair advantage. They still need to think. In Thailand the surplus of women who are both attractive and pliant induces mental torpor and can leave a man either unable or unwilling to go to market with his intellectual wares, or whatever else he sells to get the cash to get the girls.

Those providing commentary from places plagued with undesirable women, with wobbling wide loads, with imitation-man catastrophesóthose writers still have reason to sustain rigorous thought and to maintain the ambition needed to attract the few females you'd be proud to call your own and to perhaps take pictures of and make available on the internet. Off-site minds remain sharp because they must. On-site minds tell their bodies to just go get bathed, and so forth.

Whether you're posting from that blessed plot, or somewhere in Euroland, or elsewhere, try to bear in mind the budding or full-fledged stupidity of those on site. You may be arguing with someone who doesn't need to think anymore.

TANAI KWAI says:

ERRANT:

Many have combed the drool-swept beaches of Mango Sauce in the hope of finding a shard of broken glass, or perhaps a piece of excrement that has hardened into an interesting shape.

Eureka. One eagerly cuts one's feet on the sands of your last posts and comes away with pocket-loads of dolphin-shaped poo.

Much to ponder.

(winky)

Michael says:

It's been an interesting thread but maybe one that's run its course. Just a few comments, mainly directed to John U:

1. I don't condone the rants of Gerard Houllier and Lord Gary (who are they?) but, reading back over the threads, it seems that you were the one who started the negativity by slagging off these football guys. I don't think you're therefore in much of a position to take the moral high ground if they (or s/he as it may be one person) bite back. Personally, I think you underestimated their posts. As an American I don't know who these pseudonyms represent but they did make some (admittedly well hidden) pretty perceptive points.

2. The reason a lot of people, myself included, don't post their e-mail address is nothing to do with being scared' If you fall foul of the wroing person/people your inbox can get pretty jammed with abusive mail. Keeping things to posts can avoid this.

3. Just an observation John. I've read the site for 6 months and have never known David refer to himself as anything other than David - maybe he doesn't want to be called 'Dave' just as I don't want to be called 'Mike'.

One area in which John and I agree is that we both hoped that the deleted expletive would be more imaginative than 'cunts', giventhat 'wank face' and 'miserable twat' had escaped David's censure.

Finally, if any more British footballers appear then us Yanks may have to strike back with postings from obscure 50's baseball and hockey players. Be warned!

Michael

tonychang says:

who's on first Mike?

Dick Headley says:

I tend to agree with Michael. To elongate an already over-extended thread just a little further I also omit my e-mail address not from fear of being accused of wimpery so much as from a desire to avoid Viagra commercials and overly generous offers to improve on my manly attributes. While it is refreshing to see British footballers exhibiting both wit and eloquence one dreads the emergence their Transatlantic counterparts.

John U says:

Thanks Tanai, a bit of sense from somebody at last.

I certainly underestimated their posts, I have re-read them and still can't see anything of more than very minimal interest. I really did find them boring, and I look for something interesting or funny

I'm convinced it is one guy using the names of old soccer players and now some current soccer managers.

I take your point about me starting off the slagging match, and having looked back I think you probably mean my comment starting "Whoever you are you soft cunt.....".

A bit late for me to expalin that now, but where I come from "soft cunt" is just a stronger (and funnier) way of saying "you silly boy".

So I aplogise for starting it off, but it wasn't meant the way it was taken. I'll have to be more careful in future. (Slapped wrist)

The bit about Vinny Jones and Gazza was also meant to give a bit of a laugh. Vinny was a limited skill soccer defender (who is now a bit of a film star - Lock,Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and Snatch), and Gazza was a highly skilled ball player. The photo I mentioned was taken by a press photographer. It showed both those guys with Vinny in front of Gazza looking into the distance waiting for the ball. They were very close, and Vinny had reached back and had Gazza quite literally by the balls. Probably felt it was the only way he could slow him down. It was a very funny photo, more so because of the expression on Gazza's face. Unfortunately, and unlike American football, cameras are not admissable to assist the referee.

Regarding nuisance emails, if you use hotmail, and make full use of your contact list and the junk mail filter you can just use one click and wipe them all. I very raely open any emaikl that's not from one of my contacts, so I don't find it a problem.

David, I apologise if calling you Dave was a bit offensive to you. Again it wasn't meant to be. It was just being kind of friendly to show my appreciation when you deleted the expletive to protect my sensibilities.

Finally Tanai by all means go ahead with US sports analogies if you like. I'm sure you could make them funnier than the UK ones we have seen so far.

And that's my whole nine yards.

Vinny Jones says:

John

Read your little piece. I should point out that I was in fact a central midfield player rather than a defender. By the way, great site Dave.

Errant says:

The musing of professional sportsmen is a long way from the snoozing Oprah Winfrey.

Or it isn't.

John U says:

Sorry Vinny, my mistake. I didn't really follow your career with much enthusiasm.

Just saw you ocasionally playing for the crazy gang.

Did Gazza have a full set of balls by the way?

Clive Tyldsley says:

You're a complex character, John. You bring it upon yourself to provide critical analysis about whether other people's postings are funny or not, whilst at the same time giving rather long analyses of your Vinnie/Gazza joke and your ancestry. I sniff a paradox somewhere.

Nevertheless, Big Ron's transgressions have left me in need of somebody to povide critical analysis in the commentary box and you just might fit the bill. If you fancy a trip to Marseilles next week, drop me an e-mail care of ITV sport.

Ian Herbert says:

Whilst working in a poor shanty town in Liberia, the local priest would often say - 'you never know how sweet the apple is until you reach the core'.

Wise words that have stayed with me ever since. John U - take note. Allow people their say and reflect on it later when the core has been reached.

(By the way, I never saw any apples in Liberia so I don't think that Father Mesolu was talking through personal experience).

Yours In God.

Ian

John U says:

Clive,

I'm sure they'll find somebody better qualified than me to fill Big Ron's shoes. Tragic by the way.

Me complex? I suppose so, but I'd love to try to explain my philosophy on life as briefly as I could, but I would not want to bore anybody, so I won't.

Ian, I'm not quite sure how your wise words apply to me. I couldn't see any kernels coming up, and they haven't reared their heads yet. Perhaps you'd like to explain. Email me if you wish.

By the way I know I'm being facetious, but the core of an apple is bloody horrible. Maybe you should use a fruit that actually has a sweet core. Never mind, I know what you mean.

TANAI KWAI says:

John U. ...

Thank you for your usual graciousness but you may have your American windbags confused. I am not ìMICHAELî who writes:

ìI don't condone the rants of Gerard Houllier and Lord Gary (who are they?)Öî

Nothing we Americans disdain more than references we can't appreciate. We relegate them to the same general category as ìworld music.î

ìÖbut, reading back over the threads, it seems that you were the one who started the negativity by slagging off these football guys.î

The ìnegativityî? Christ Almighty, I didn't know this was a fucking tea party. Pass the Sweet n' Low, Judith.

ìAs an American I don't know who these pseudonyms represent but they did make some (admittedly well hidden) pretty perceptive points.î

As an American, wake me when this post has lurched to its terminus...

ìThe reason a lot of people, myself included, don't post their e-mail address is nothing to do with being scared...î

I think we've established that John U. thinks anybody who doesn't include an e-mail address is a gutless cunt. You see, when John was coming up in this big world, a man said what he meant, and meant what he said. He didn't go stuffing his pants with socks and hiding behind a fake name and whatnot. (For those of you who don't know, ìUî really is John's actual last name. And he's had a rough time of it, since Dad didn't earn the nickname ìBuggerî solely by virtue of being in the pest control racket.)

ìJust an observation John. I've read the site for 6 months and have never known David refer to himself as anything other than David - maybe he doesn't want to be called 'Dave' just as I don't want to be called 'Mike'.î

Just an observation, Mike, nobody cares what anybody likes to be called here. IT'S A FUCKING INTERNET BOARD FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO TALK ABOUT FUCKING!

Ahem. Indeed, in my lurkings about this site I distinctly recall David being called ìpig fuckerî by someone not necessarily his dear friend. It's the nature of the beast. (And by that I mean that pigs can be rather alluring when that light hits their snout just so.)

Michael, this is not Oprah. Do not try to censor John. He is bold, stylish and highly amusing (when he isn't being pussywhipped by you).

ìOne area in which John and I agree is that we both hoped that the deleted expletive would be more imaginative than 'cunts', giventhat 'wank face' and 'miserable twat' had escaped David's censure.î

Everyone's a critic. Where's your bold flourish of imaginative vulgarity? Make some suggestions, for Chrissakes. How about ìscrotum lipsî or ìcock juicerî? Work in ìjismî if you canÖ Put your back into it, man! This isn't just about you anymore, Mike! You're representing Team U.S.A. now!

ìFinally, if any more British footballers appear then us Yanks may have to strike back with postings from obscure 50's baseball and hockey players. Be warned!î

ìUs Yanksî will do no such thing. But if we do I hope it's funny.

Trouble is, with the possible exceptions of Muhammad Ali, Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Joe Namath and perhaps John McEnroe, America doesn't throw off many enduring sports personalities with sparkle to match their talent. (I should probably also pay homage to Howard Cosell, as he may be a better analogue to some of the fellows referenced above.) Sure, we promote the hell out of our stars but that's not always the same thing.

Today's lot of vaguely interesting (off-the-field) American sports heroes seems to consist of Michael Jordan, Shaq, Tiger and Mike Tyson -- and lumped together they don't have the charisma of an Ali, PelÈ or even the late Mick Channon. (We do have some great American commentators on ESPN, however.) Perhaps with the internationalization of the NHL and NBA this will change.

Us Yanks, please feel free to correct me if I've badly overlooked someone or misstated the case entirely. The discerning readership will perceive that I just threw together the last bit to give the post the patina of legitimacy.

(winky)

John U says:

Oops, sorry Tanai, you're right it should have been addressed to Michael (whoever the fuck he is).

Yeah right on, fucking A, and whatever else you Yanks say.

I wish you'd speak your fucking mind. We've had too much mealy mouthed stuff on this site. Laugh ! I don't think my pants will ever dry!

You shouldn't be so modest about Yankee sports stars. From The Greatest, and all the other boxing stars through tennis, golf... fuck me there's hundreds. (I think Joe DiMaggio and Joe Montana should be mentioned)

But if you do please make then funnier than our lot. Mind you it wouldn't be too difficult.

Phra Jao says:

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

cloughie says:

Young man, shut the fuck up you boring boring cunts

is there anything worse in teh world than a pompous windbag amercan?

you fuckers loves the sound of you own voic....er... typing

soft cunts

shut yer pie holes

young man

etc

Peter Reid says:

yer all a bunch of f*kin cnuts, wank stain nobheeds....ferfukssake

John Motson says:

ooh, me out of my set and am as horny as me badger mates...marrfffff

ian herbert says:

As Mrs Muthoroso, our prematurely balding schoolteacher, used to say: 'a nugget of knowledge shared, rids the world of a kernel of evil.'

Admittedly it sounded better when it came from the horse's mouth.

John U and Tanai Kwai - I love you, God loves you and, if she'd met you, Mrs Muthoroso would love you too. I am sad that you hate yourselves but I will produce more postings full of love - read them; they may help.

She also used to say - 'the honest toiling Miller will never allow tasty fingers to deflower his virgins' - stating the obvious if one simply takes the time to reflect.

May God, and indeed your Buddhas (or other false gods) bless.

Ian

TANAI KWAI says:

Ian:

Look forward to more of these evocative and poignant fruit-gospels. Perhaps you can add a few words about what inspired you to evangelize the those who dwell here?

I can't assure you it won't be pearls before swine but we'll try to keep up. (Fair warning: the sticky-fingered hymen material is a little abstruse for those outside your sect.)

"John U and Tanai Kwai - I love you, God loves you and, if she'd met you, Mrs Muthoroso would love you too."

That sounds like one heck of a fivesome... but I'd only be in the way. If John U. declines try the Eden Club, Soi 7 1/2.

(winky?)

Cynic says:

Hey cum guts! Wanna root?

John U says:

Ian,

I'm grateful for you unequivocal love, and that of your god, but your repeated "wise" sayings are looking sillier every time you bring one up.

You know my thoughts on the first one about the apple core, but the spread of knowledge is sometimes devastating.

How about the knowledge on splitting the atom. I am sure your god was pleased about that. He lost quite a few thousand souls at Nagasaki and Hiroshima with probably more to come.

And did you know that the honest toiling Miller is actually a paedophile? That one is the stupidest so far.

I hate myself? Where on earth did that come from?

Ian there doesn't seem to be any logic to your thought processes, and this greatly worries me in someone who purports to be religious. We have too much mayhem being caused by religious people who repeat the dogma they've told as they go to blow them selves up in the service of their god.

ian herbert says:

Dear John & Tanai Kwan,

Short of friends?
Can't hold down a steady relationship?
Drinking too much?
Dead end job?
Spending too much time at your computer getting angry with people you'll never meet?

As Mr Bastolo (the village postmaster) used to say: 'the lamb without the sauce becomes hard to digest'.

Your lamb lacks mint sauce, my friends, and your comments are not tender. Do not despair though - while most people who refer to you in their postings seem to thoroughly dislike you, God and I love you and will not turn our back on John's desperate cries for help.

You may even find love with each other - platonically of course as God disapproves of omosexuals.

Yours, in healthy love,

Ian

TANAI KWAI says:

The badgers shall feast tonight...

IAN HERBERT:

You are a pussy. As another contributor put it so well:

ìThere's no need for you or anyone to carry on with your creative imaginations about me. All of your comments about me being a Thai-Chinese (which I am soooo puzzled)Ö etc., etc.î

Do you imagine that anyone here would trade places with you? Really? You write:

ìShort of friends?
Can't hold down a steady relationship?
Drinking too much?
Dead end job?
Spending too much time at your computer getting angry with people you'll never meet?î

Drop the absurdist bit for just one moment (if you are capable) and describe ìTHE GOOD LIFEî so we can know what we're missing. (...waiting...)

With God's help, perhaps you can find your balls. I only hope for your sake you aren't this poor bastard:

http://www.ianherbert.com/default.htm

(winky)

Phra Jao says:

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Ian Herbert says:

TK,

Have I struck a nerve? Good - you're hurting and are starting to share your pain.

I don't normally like to be negative but you are without doubt the most charmless contributor I have ever encountered - unamusing, smug (winky!) and offensive. However, as one of God's creatures, I will still love you.

I am not the other Ian Herbert that you mentioned but do not bother pitying him (or me) - reserve it for your sad self.

Ian

TANAI KWAI says:

IAN HERBERT:

Awwwww....

Here's what you should do:

(1) Bitch-slap yourself out of your quivering state; (2) Dry your tears;
(3) Bite your sweater;
(4) Read my last post; and
(5) Explain why your life is so wonderful, since that is the basis of everything you say.

Can't wait to hear about all your success in life!

http://www.ianherbert.com/default.htm

(boo hoo!)

rank says:

get 2 phuck gobshizens take your faces for an eartha kitt

across the pond says:

Crap! I think this must be the editor's cut of Oliver Twist. Thank god it's all over for another 4 years.

Mr Thaky says:

know your football wonkers.
when's the last time any of you armchair's went to a game let alone played.

daniel says:

i spotted E.T the extra terrestrial in issan while in the back of a pick-up with my friends family who were going shopping in surin.
enjoy the pic............

Jeremy says:

I think Ian is pulling some peoples chains.
If so good for him if not WTF?? ;)