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The Blue Elephant's "Royal Thai Cuisine" has an almost legendary reputation so, when I was invited there for dinner this week, I expected a treat. A glass of water costs the same as a full meal in most other Bangkok restaurants so it bloody well ought to be good. It's also one of the few restaurants in Thailand where you actually have to book. Apparently, the only table left was "next to some noisy Chinese" but we wouldn't be deterred.

Things got off to an unexpectedly shaky start when our waiter snatched a napkin from the table and arranged it on my lap - seemingly unaware that the privilege of fiddling around in my groin area is strictly by invitation only. When our meal arrived, the situation deteriorated still further.

Despite its faultless presentation, the food was as bland and tasteless as a damp cardboard box. There were also no condiments on the table (in pretentious restaurants they're seen as an insult to the chef's genius) so the situation was irretrievable. We chewed our way through the starters but the main course was a total write-off.

If you took away the elaborately carved vegetables and ostentatious tableware, this lacklustre meal could have been served at any second-rate Pattaya tourist restaurant. All the dishes were totally devoid of spice - including those described by the menu as "very hot." Even bed-ridden elderly ladies accustomed to sucking mashed banana through a straw might have rejected them as too bland.

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Everyone judges spiciness differently but readers who suspect that I'm one of those gone-feral farangs who lives off somtam and mouse-shit chillies in a Buriram rice field are way off the mark. My preferred hunting ground is, in fact, Villa Supermarket and I only sample dangerously spicy Thai delicacies when I'm inebriated and egged on by beautiful women. The Blue Elephant's much vaunted Thai cuisine really is shockingly bland. It's like hospital food.

Of course, the slightest hint of spice can provoke a small but vocal minority of unsophisticated farangs into whining like spoilt children. The managers of tourist restaurants sometimes head-off further complaints by reducing the spiciness of their food to the lowest common denominator - but it's the quiet majority who have to suffer the bland consequences. I had expected better from the Blue Elephant.

To make matters worse, the air conditioning was pitifully inadequate and my friend's wife was reduced to fanning herself with a menu throughout the meal. Our special treat had turned into a minor ordeal but, having already ordered the set menu, we decided to stay on for dessert - durian cheesecake. Our timid chef had somehow summoned up the courage to serve his fussy farang guests a dessert reeking of human excrement. It was quite vile.

My visiting friends reckoned that this was the worst meal they'd ever eaten in Thailand - despite it being by far the most expensive. I wouldn't go quite that far but I've certainly enjoyed tastier meals for as little as 20 baht.

I can't sign-off without saying that the Blue Elephant also has its plus points. It operates from a beautifully-restored teak house conveniently located opposite Surasak BTS and the service is excellent. A pinch of chilli and an adjustment to the thermostat would have made all the difference but, until they get their act together, I certainly woundn't go back.

Our meal was a great disappointment but we had to suppress giggles when my friend noticed the waitress's name badge - Organ.

[Posted to Activities by David]

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