July 31 2006
Chatuchak Market: It's the dog's bollocks
Chums accuse me of hiding a Dorian Gray-style portrait in the attic but, yesterday, its sitter joined me out and about at Chatuchak Weekend Market.
Rover has one milky eye, countless skin lesions and a scrotum big enough to carry his golf clubs. He's hardly petting zoo material but, just yards away, dozens of excited Thai people are jostling for position around a basket of cute puppies.
June 24 2006
Bum-gun vs. zap-it racquet
It looks as innocent as a child's toy but the zap-it racquet is actually a ruthless killing-machine. Its winged victims are slain penitentiary-style with a crack of electricity audible 50 yards away.
Wielding the device is like playing a "shoot-'em-up" video game but the noise, smoke and body-count are real.
The only problem with your personal air-defence system is that there's never a mosquito around when you need one. As George W. Bush might say, "Bring 'em on!"
June 11 2006
Get rich quick with Beer Chang Light
Good old Beer Chang is everyone's favourite loon-juice. A big bottle contains 6.4% alcohol but costs just 32 baht - so a hundred baht note is all you need to graduate from buttoned-up zero to pissed-up hero.
Now you can piggyback Beer Chang's commercial success with this sneaky get-rich-and-drunk-quick scheme:
- Buy a bottle of Beer Chang.
- Drink a third of the contents.
- Top up with water.
- Bang the cap back on with a mallet.
- Scrawl "light" on the label in marker pen.
- Sell new improved "Chang Light" to blithering idiots for 40% more than they'd pay for the real thing.
- Repeat
It sounds crazy but, by launching Chang Light, this is pretty much what the mighty Thai Beverage Group has done.
February 12 2006
Blue Elephant serves up a stinker
The Blue Elephant's "Royal Thai Cuisine" has an almost legendary reputation so, when I was invited there for dinner this week, I expected a treat. A glass of water costs the same as a full meal in most other Bangkok restaurants so it bloody well ought to be good. It's also one of the few restaurants in Thailand where you actually have to book. Apparently, the only table left was "next to some noisy Chinese" but we wouldn't be deterred.
Things got off to an unexpectedly shaky start when our waiter snatched a napkin from the table and arranged it on my lap - seemingly unaware that the privilege of fiddling around in my groin area is strictly by invitation only. When our meal arrived, the situation deteriorated still further.
Despite its faultless presentation, the food was as bland and tasteless as a damp cardboard box. There were also no condiments on the table (in pretentious restaurants they're seen as an insult to the chef's genius) so the situation was irretrievable. We chewed our way through the starters but the main course was a total write-off.
If you took away the elaborately carved vegetables and ostentatious tableware, this lacklustre meal could have been served at any second-rate Pattaya tourist restaurant. All the dishes were totally devoid of spice - including those described by the menu as "very hot." Even bed-ridden elderly ladies accustomed to sucking mashed banana through a straw might have rejected them as too bland.
January 6 2006
Fishy fun at the Siam Paragon Aquarium
The new Siam Paragon Aquarium in Bangkok (Siam Ocean World) has made quite a splash so, on Boxing Day, we dropped in to test the water.
Their Christmas tree was set up, not in the lobby, but in a fish tank - complete with tinsel and baubles (floating upwards). What the fish made of pine needles coated in fire-retardant chemicals is anyone's guess but I think we can safely assume that the Siam Paragon Aquarium is in the business of crowd-pleasing rather than yawn-inducing marine conservation.
The lighting is set very low and, in the gloom, we kept getting jostled by overexcited Singapore businessmen acting like they'd never seen a fish before. Chanting "Nemo, Nemo" their cameras were flashing as if Paris Hilton had just entered the room.
The fish seemed fairly unconcerned, however. The aquarium has already been open for several weeks so most of the inmates must have had their retinas burnt out by now.
July 12 2005
Bar Girl Treasure Hunt
With David Hasselhoff
Bar Girl Treasure Hunt is an entirely new game show format where you're the host, your bedroom is the studio and your favourite Thai bar girl is the sole contestant.
While the contestant is taking a shower, the host hides a small quantity of money somewhere in the studio before cueing-up a single track on his iPod - which must, of course, be equipped with the optional external speakers.
When she finally emerges from the bathroom, the contestant will be surprised and delighted to learn that she's the star of Bar Girl Treasure Hunt and, to collect her cash prize, she must find it before the music stops. Suitable tracks include Looking For You (I Was) by Patti Smith or anything by The Seekers.
Failure means taking "the walk of shame" empty handed so, as the frantic contestant begins to panic, the smiling host should give her plenty of clues. After all, if she were to lose, the prank would backfire spectacularly.
Imagine...
[Opening sequence fades. Celebrity host, David Hasselhoff, is reclining on a heavily-soiled mattress wearing only a towel]
September 22 2004
Mangosteen Poker: The sexy bet you can't lose
Thai bar girls will gamble on just about anything so, to win a few sexual favours, you could lure them into a game of Mangosteen Poker. It's more fun than Strip Poker because, unlike playing cards, mangosteens are delicious and, more importantly, you can't lose.
Like oranges, mangosteens contain a number of segments beneath a thick outer skin. They are perfect for gambling because this number always varies. In Mangosteen Poker, your bar girl adversary has to guess the number of segments before you break open the fruit but you have the distinct advantage of knowing the correct number beforehand.
If she guesses right and you guess wrong (which only happens when you want it to), your girl wins 20 baht but, if she loses, she has to perform a forfeit - like flashing her tits, for example. If you both guess right or both guess wrong, no one wins and you just eat the fruit together.
The more she loses, the naughtier the forfeits become so the latter stages of the game should be played in the privacy of your hotel room.
September 20 2004
Giant water beetle challenge
If a giant water beetle landed on your face, would you:
a) Run around shrieking like a big soppy girl.
b) Casually flick it to the ground and stamp on it.
c) Eat it.
At three and a half inches long, giant water beetles (maing daa) look absolutely monstrous but they're actually rather delicious and the Thais regard them as the nation's number one edible bug.
These days, they've become quite rare in the wild so most are raised on bug farms. A street value of 5 baht per insect makes this a lucrative business.
When you're faced with a giant water beetle for the first time - usually on Soi Cowboy - it's difficult to know which bits to eat and which to throw away. The meat makes good eating but the hard parts should be discarded.
- Pull the legs off and nibble any meat from the wet ends.
- Rip the head and wings off and throw them away.
- Detach the long abdomen and suck the paste out of it. If you're lucky, it will be full of chewy eggs.
- Prise open the thorax and enjoy the tuna-like meat inside.
May 28 2004
BTS Badminton
Who is the rudest Thai person that you've ever met? Chances are that it's a puffed-up little security guard on Bangkok's BTS Skytrain. There's one on every platform. Put a toe over his yellow line and the officious little twat will run over to harangue you with his whistle.
BTS Badminton is a game for two players. They position themselves at opposite ends of a Skytrain platform. The role of "shuttlecock" is played by our overeager security guard.
Player 1 "serves" by putting his foot over the yellow line. If he fails to attract the shuttlecock, then a "fault" is declared. A double fault gives his opponent a point and the opportunity to serve.
If he serves successfully, the shuttlecock whistles over to player 2 - who must now withdraw his foot. Player 1 then extends his foot to draw the shuttlecock back. If he fails, the shot is declared "out" and his opponent scores a point.
The doubles version of BTS Badminton involves a second pair of players who take to the court on the opposite platform.
Red Bull can fuck off because Mango Sauce has already secured the exclusive sponsorship rights to this new extreme urban sport.
April 23 2004
Up-skirt panty shots on the Bangkok Skytrain
Mango Sauce has so far contributed precious little to the glamorous world of celebrity photo-journalism but, today, this is all about to change. I now own one of those funky new camera-phones that Japanese fellas use to take up-skirt panty shots on the Tokyo subway but I'm determined to harness its powers for good rather than evil.
When I took the device out on the streets of Bangkok for the first time, actress Elizabeth Hurley - looking ravishing in a strapless top and black leather mini-skirt - failed to show up at my local chicken noodles stand but persistence finally paid off when I spotted TV's Oprah Winfrey cat-napping on the Skytrain and I took this sneaky snap whilst pretending to send a text message. The effervescent chat-show hostess got off at On Nut, where she proceeded to ransack the delicatessen counter at nearby Tesco Lotus. The effect on her waistline is all too obvious.
OK, so it's not Oprah Winfrey but have you ever noticed how some ordinary Thai people bear a passing resemblance to western celebrities? To first time visitors, the idea seems absurd but, once you've been living here for a while, your brain begins to disregard common racial characteristics - allowing you to pick out the differences between individuals rather than the similarities. Once you've got your eye in, the celebrity-spotting fun can begin.
March 31 2004
Relax in a traditional Thai massage parlour
Relaxation isn't the first thing that springs to mind when I think about Bangkok massage parlours but let's put aside "soapy fun" for a moment to explore the underrated pleasures of traditional Thai massage.
"Floating on air" is how many people describe the experience and the positive effects can last for days. Compare this to the dull routine of shagging a bored slapper in a short-time hotel room and you could argue that traditional Thai massage is better than sex. It's available at a fraction of the price too - 250 baht ($6) for two hours.
Traditional Thai massage is fairly intimate so, to avoid embarrassment, don't forget to give your girlfriend a quickie before you go. If you don't want to waste valuable time on foreplay and cuddling, excuses don't come much better than this.
January 24 2004
Eating bugs in Thailand
Yuk! - That is so gross. I think I'm going to puke. Those sweet sticky cakes from 7/11 totally turn my stomach. The bugs, on the other hand, are actually quite tasty. Some of their friends are gigolos too.
Eating bugs has always been popular in Thailand - particularly with Isaan folk. My Thai girlfriend loves them and would always try to slip one in my mouth when I wasn't looking. Eventually, she succeeded.
At first, chewing a dead insect made me want to throw up. Once the shock wore off, though, I had to admit that it tasted pretty good - a bit like a salty dried prawn. I decided to try another - and then another. Ten minutes later, the bag was empty and I had become a bug-eater.
As a bug-eater, just imagine the practical jokes you could play on your mates. Open the fridge door and show them your food - crawling with insects. Already in shock, get ready to enjoy their horror as you start to feed.
December 14 2003
Ordering a ladyboy chaser
Invented by Alan Partridge (See Alan Partridge's ladyboy lust), the ladyboy chaser is perhaps better known in Bangor than in Bangkok.
However, don't let that stop you ordering one in Thailand.
Here's what Alan has to say:
Every now and again I do partake of the ladyboy chaser. It adds to any evening, but is great for special occasions.
Take 1 small baileys, 1 gin and tonic and 1 pint of lager. Down them one by one (my record: 19 seconds) before finishing with a hearty "Ooooh, ladyboys!" and, after asking the bloke next to you how long you've been drinking, retire to the toilet calling out "2 star!" and "45 minutes?"
I haven't been sick yet, but some nights just blur from the ladyboy onwards...
December 4 2003
Baiyoke Sky Hotel observation deck
Baiyoke Sky Hotel
At 84 stories high, the Baiyoke Sky Hotel is the tallest building in Thailand. Using a method of construction usually reserved for tatty shophouses, the tower was erected without a steel frame - making it the tallest reinforced concrete building in the world. Last Saturday, I went to take a look.
It costs 120 baht to admire the best view in Bangkok but getting there isn't as easy as it looks. The base of the tower is hidden within the narrow, congested streets of dingy Pratunam. What on Earth possessed the developers to build their showpiece here? Indeed, when you get up close, it becomes obvious that the place isn't finished.
The elevator ride was breathtakingly quick and the air pressure fell more rapidly than it would inside a climbing aircraft. Like her fellow Thai passengers, my girlfriend stumbled around shrieking and clutching at her ears. It was like the alien death-ray scene in Star Trek. I wish I could replicate the same effect at home - just to keep her in line.
The moving floor of the observation deck takes about 10 minutes to turn 360 degrees. The view is amazing and you can look at things that you would never see from the ground. Interestingly, one of the nicest swimming pools in Bangkok is on the roof of the Nokia building. I knew those buggers were making too much money.
November 25 2003
Meet farang girls at The Dubliner Irish Pub
On Saturday, I went to The Dubliner to catch the final of the Rugby World Cup on the big screen. A good-humoured crowd of Aussies and Brits cheered on their respective teams. As usual, the few Thais present cheered for both sides.
The Dubliner is an Irish pub run by a real-life Irish couple from Belfast. It feels like one of those Irish theme-pubs you get on every high street in Britain - except it's 6,000 miles away, the food is excellent and all the bar staff are sexy Thai babes. If this pub was in London, you'd never be able to get in.
I had always wondered where ex-pat farang girls go at night. It seems that they all come here. Personally, I've forgotten what it's like with a white woman but surely there must be a few farang guys out there who prefer blondes. If so, you can take your pick here. They will go with you for free! (See Why do farang girls hate Thailand?). The Dubliner chicks have their own ladies night on Wednesdays and over 100 usually turn up.
The other nights of the week are also themed. Monday is backgammon; Tuesday is quiz night; Friday is live Irish music, Saturday is big-screen sport and Sunday is roast dinners. A decent pint of Guinness is 160 baht and there's also a pool table. This pub is a little piece of Farangland transported to Bangkok. Leave your Thai sweetheart at home and come with your mates.
November 20 2003
Jim Thompson's house and museum
Jim Thompson's house set in lush tropical gardens
Few places are as evocative of a lost age as Jim Thompson's house in Bangkok. Thompson was an American intelligence officer who was stationed in Thailand at the end of WW2. Like many westerners before and since, he fell in love with the place and decided to stay on.
Thompson trained as an architect but his interest lay in textiles. Though the craft was almost extinct, hand-woven Thai silk became his passion. With help from New York Vogue, he promoted the fabric in the West and succeeded in reviving the ancient craft.
Like a latter-day Venetian merchant, he amassed a vast fortune and spent much of it creating a lavish canal-side home in Bangkok. The mansion was assembled from six ancient teak houses collected from as far away as Ayuthaya. Over the course of his life, Thompson filled it with Asian art treasures.
At that time, Bangkok was a city of canals and so the house was built facing the water. Each day, Thompson would visit the silk-makers by boat. When you look out from his study over the lush courtyard garden, you have to admire the guy's vision.
November 5 2003
Pata Zoo: Bangkok's rooftop secret
When Pata built a department store in Pinglao, they weren't content with installing the usual multiplex cinema. Incredibly, they turned the roof into a zoo full of gorillas, hippos, tigers and bears. You can even stuff your fingers through the bars. It's surely the work of a madman and has to be seen to be believed.
Pata is just over the river from Kaosan Road, so getting there is no hassle. Admission is 200 baht (40 if you can speak Thai) and you enter a true concrete jungle. The cages aren't very spacious, so you can get up close and personal with the inmates. Heaven knows what the animal rights activists would make of it.
At weekends, they also have a stage show. You can handle a python, see the cycling orangutan, join the chimp's tea-party and laugh yourself to death as two overweight but underdressed ladies perform pitiful magic tricks. There's also a fella with a swollen cheek who gets his hair groomed by monkeys. Forget the Royal barge procession - this is real Thai entertainment.
October 3 2003
Boxing orangutans rumble at Safari World
Orangutans boxing at Safari World, Thailand
In spite of dodgy red hair and a tendency to masturbate in public, orangutans are much admired for their intellect. They can't be that smart though because at Safari World near Bangkok they've been persuaded to punch each other's lights out for our viewing pleasure.
In a performance guaranteed to outrage animal rights activists, trainer Khun Ghazali has taught them genuine Thai boxing moves. Kitted out in shorts and padded gloves, the beasts take to the ring cheered on by provocatively clad orange females. It's not known whether they rape each other later in hotel rooms.
Nurses are on hand in case things get bloody. However, their expertise is probably limited to treating minor injuries since they too are apes. Their white uniforms look smart enough though.
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
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March 2004
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January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
