June 22 2004

Disruption to normal service

"Traffic" and "raining" are the classic Thai excuses for not turning up. Mango Sauce will also exhibit a less-than-perfect attendance record this month because I'm busy visiting family and friends in the UK.

My mates will get to hear tales of misbehaviour judged too naughty for Mango Sauce and, consequently, they will want to move to Thailand at once - after divorcing the wife, selling the house, and drowning the kids in a bucket. They spend half the year over here already on the flimsy pretext of coming to visit me (they tell their wives how lonely I am) but I suspect that my new-found popularity would fade if I relocated to Saudi Arabia.

My family, on the other hand, will learn of a Thailand rich in culture and tradition - a fitting home from home for a displaced Englishman with a keen interest in temple architecture and delicious spicy food.

While my wide-eyed nieces and nephews are held spellbound by my tales of swashbuckling adventure in the exotic East ("...so I flipped her over, like, and..."), the rest of my family will, of course, continue to believe that I'm a sleazy washed-up idler who habitually snorts lines of Charlie off a prostitute's bare arse. Let's hope that they never discover Mango Sauce, or my strenuous denials will carry even less weight.

While I'm away, my Thai girlfriend will obviously be inconsolably lonely - a bit like Tom Hanks was in Sleepless in Seattle. If, however, one of my so-called mates is tempted to "pop over to cheer her up" his photo and personal details will be posted to Mango Sauce under the heading "RuPaul's true identity revealed."

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My trip will offer little of interest to Thailand lovers (including me) so I'll spare you the travelogue. I will, however, be reviewing Jake Needham's new Bangkok thriller, Laundry Man. If the first two chapters are anything to go by, it should stave off the boredom quite nicely during my otherwise dreary trek across Britain.

I've already written enough articles to guarantee at least two posts a week but, if time permits, I'll add a few more. I'll moderate the forum once a day but readers of a sensitive disposition should note that unwelcome "creamy banana" style comments will inevitably linger for longer.

Normal service resumes on 18th July.

[Posted to About by David]

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Readers' comments

Cynic says:

Good, fuck off and don't come back.

You're good friend,
Cynic

June 22, 2004 1:24 PM

mr peter says:

'Little of interest to thailand lovers', so you won't be posting about how you went into a corner shop and almost cried with joy at the smell of old crisps and dust then like our mate masie did. We do expect lots of stuff comparing the lovely UK girls to those dark, weedy monkey like things that you have had to make do with in Asia. There's nothing like a fat arsed English girl showing off her gut over hipster jeans with a view round the back of her g string and one of those daft tatoos they all have to make you feel glad to be back home.
-peter

June 22, 2004 2:28 PM

zed says:

im sooo disappointed. you've told us you've watch "sleepless in seattle"....a chick-flick for sure. you gave yourself away with that. next thing you'll be reviewing movies like "the english patient".

June 22, 2004 3:59 PM

David says:

Cynic - You forgot the winky.

Zed - UBC doesn't have a porn channel yet.

June 22, 2004 4:53 PM

Chris says:

Peter - please keep your far to descriptive chatter about English girls to yourself. With the fat arse and nasty G-String comments you have described the slobs I have to see here daily in America and I am truly saddened. Thankfully I'll be back in heaven on Monday.

UBC DOES NOT HAVE A PORN CHANNEL!!!!!!!!

June 22, 2004 6:40 PM

OT says:

Chris, it was bad enough that Peter went into detail, without you having to remind us! If we just ignore these type of comments, prehaps people will stop reminding us how awful life used to be.

June 22, 2004 8:05 PM

SiLeakHunt says:

You could do a comparative report on sex services in the UK, along the lines of, "For 5000 baht you can get wanked off by a forty five year old heroin addict with a fag in her gob and scabby hands."

Cheers

June 22, 2004 8:50 PM

rhysmeister says:

SiLeakHunt, don't knock it until you've tried it!

June 22, 2004 8:56 PM

carew66 says:

Sil, round this way that's a right result.

June 22, 2004 11:33 PM

Personal services says:

Peter has, in fact he's a regular. Easy money, too. 30 seconds and it's all over.

June 22, 2004 11:33 PM

Anonymous says:

""UBC DOES NOT HAVE A PORN CHANNEL!!!!!!!!

Posted by Chris | June 22, 2004 06:40 PM ""

who needs a porn channel in Thailand?!?

June 23, 2004 12:00 AM

Gimpy1 says:

Someone better go check on Tania. Something must be wrong. She hasn't made 5 of the 11 posts on this thread. Call Scotland Yard!

June 23, 2004 12:48 AM

Roayl Troon says:

Maybe she is in the throes of tertiary syphylitic paresis.

June 23, 2004 1:25 AM

tonychang says:

David
bet the first thing you notice is all the big breasts.

June 23, 2004 2:53 AM

DICK HEADLEY says:

On the men.

June 23, 2004 2:54 AM

Mike says:

Not to mention the cellulitis.

June 23, 2004 3:26 AM

LurkerLarry says:

From someone whose been back recently: if your travelling by train, "normal service" is pretty much like whats in the picture (from the Loco it looks like a Virgin Train service waiting to depart from Euston).

Mind you if you stock up on enough prawn-cocktail flavoured crisps you might be able to seduce one of the locals for a little tattoo investigation in the bog while waiting 2 hours to go over points just outside Rugby.

Rather you than me mate ! Great site though, don't stay too long over in LOS (Land of Shite weather)

June 23, 2004 5:15 PM

TANAI KWAI says:

LOS (Land of Shite weather) <=== good stuff

Smoke
Lingers 'round your fingers
Train
Heave on - to Euston
Do you think you've made
The right decision this time?

From "London," by The Smiths

(worth asking)

June 23, 2004 8:46 PM

Reality Check says:

why is it that people on these forums are always on about the obesity and ugliness of UK girls, while whenever i go out in Britain i see hordes of gorgeous young blondes and brunettes wearing practically nothing?

is it simply because these young girls are not prostitutes and not available to balding old perverts, therefore discounted from their equations?

June 25, 2004 9:15 PM

reality checked and revealed says:

No, it's because you like fat pasty slags who are available to young shitheads with no standards! Good, stay out of Thailand!

June 25, 2004 11:11 PM

Reality Check says:

No problem, i'll leave the diseased whores to you old-timers.

June 25, 2004 11:22 PM

reality checked and revealed says:

Actualy, those of us with standards leave the diseased whores and fat pasty slags to you young'uns who don't have the experience to discern a quality partner, or enough refinement to attract one.

June 25, 2004 11:40 PM

tonychang says:

"No, it's because you like fat pasty slags who are available to young shitheads with no standards"

I do like em, and the odd disesed whore from time to time.Of course I wouldnt dream of trying to attract the quality birds who've been saving themselves for the likes of Reality Checked and Revealed(ker-ching).

July 15, 2004 9:19 PM

TANIA KWAI says:

>>>>>>>>>>>>
(worth asking)
<<<<<<<<<<<<

what?

July 16, 2004 9:06 AM

Reality Checked and Revealed says:

Don't worry, Tanai Kwai. Just time to refill his prescription, he always gets like this. Come along, Tony, there's a good lad...

July 21, 2004 8:36 PM