November 24 2006

No to foreign brides: Feminism meets fascism

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In an echo of Hitler's 1935 Racial Purity Law, which forbade sex between Germans and Jews, feminist TV host and columnist, Bonnie Erbe, is calling for a ban on American men taking foreign brides.

Realising that the term "racially inferior" can't be used these days, Erbe justifies her extreme views by labelling foreign brides as "less well educated" and poses the question "Do we really want another 40,000 plus people entering the United States per year?"

She also accuses their American husbands of "unimaginable abuse."

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November 22 2006

NOT Mango Sauce: David "outed" by stalker

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The future of Mango Sauce hangs in the balance tonight as a deranged stalker exposes my hidden agenda on his twisted website.

NotMangoSauce.com is just one of a growing number of malicious websites that have published crudely fabricated evidence to support devastating allegations of impropriety against Thailand's leading webmasters.

Most troubling are a series of blurred photographs taken in a poorly-lit area of Suvarnabhumi Airport which purportedly show George from ThaiVisa.com exposing a small area of skin through the fly hole of his sweat-stained slacks and challenging startled female cleaners to guess whether it's part of his penis or scrotum.

November 17 2006

Thaitanium's bathroom secrets exposed

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When Conan swung open the door of a toilet cubicle at Bangkok's BEC Tero Hall on Wednesday night, he couldn't believe what he saw.

The twin dunnys was a definite WTF? moment. All I knew is I had to get a photo.

It's just wrong on so many levels...

November 15 2006

Y're mine now, my pretties

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"Blackbeard's little pets, that's what you'll be!"

Accused of public lewdness by the Thai Culture Ministry, the activities of sexy event models - known as "pretties" - will soon be strictly regulated.

No one is fonder of "pretties" than legendary pirate of the Caribbean, Blackbeard, who reputedly took up to fourteen common law wives before being decapitated in 1718.

Despite having had his skull made into a punch bowl, Blackbeard is bitterly opposed to the new measures and tells me that he'll "drink damnation to the Ministry of Culture and neither give nor take quarter."

November 12 2006

Sai-Tai Tiger: Thai nude model

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Don't visit Sai-Tai Tiger's erotic website without a qualified medical practitioner on hand because priapism is no joke.

Born on a cattle farm in Phitsanulok, Northern Thailand, Sai-Tai, 27, trained as a fashion designer in Bangkok before discovering her true calling as the natural alternative to Viagra.

To maintain my composure at times like this, I try to imagine Britain's former Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, emerging from the surf in a woollen bathing costume but, on this occasion, "bringing on the safety car" is having little effect.

November 8 2006

Thailand shamed by Thaksin toilet legacy

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If you truly believe that women don't fart then you must hold them in very high regard. Similarly, Thailand's former Prime Minister Thaksin became seduced by the notion that foreign visitors never use the toilet. Although deeply flattered, we have to face up to the practical difficulties that this misunderstanding has created.

In order to maximise retailing space, notoriously few toilets have been provided in the gigantic new King Power shopping mall that masquerades as Suvarnabhumi Airport.

Pre-emptively laying cable at 36,000 feet isn't always possible, however, because many people - including my own girlfriend - are fearful of using aircraft toilets in the mistaken belief that their intestines will be violently ripped out through their ringpieces by an invisible force.

Obviously, she can't wait in line if the turtle's head is already poking out so King Power only have themselves to blame if she's forced to nip one off behind a stack of Toblerones.

November 4 2006

Teens violated by female sexual predators

While normal teenage boys are preoccupied by pornography, automatic weapons and low self-esteem issues, those lucky enough to live in Thailand have the opportunity to get involved with women.

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Considering that even the most jaded middle-aged swordsman can be flipped into lovesick fool mode by his first encounter with a Thai woman, naive adolescents with raging hormones can get out of their depth all too quickly.

Last year, I ran into one of the young casualties at Bangkok's Bumrungrad Hospital.

November 1 2006

Naughty boys "go bamboo" in Thailand

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When an American tourist purchased a Bangkok bargirl for his nine year-old son, he also took one for himself. Back at the hotel, the boy settled down with bargirl #1 to watch Monsters Inc. while his dad took bargirl #2 next door for some monstering of a different nature.

For the adventurous single man with a kid in tow, barfining a babysitter really ought to be a last resort but it's actually fairly common. If our tourist dad had stayed in a decent hotel, they'd have laid one on for him.

While visiting Bangkok with his family, a chum of mine stayed at the Marriott. His two young sons were a big hit with the female staff and, at mealtimes, they'd run off and play with the sexy waitresses - while their poor old dad looked on enviously.

One of the girls volunteered to come over and baby-sit that evening. She looked great in her Thai costume but when she turned up later, casually dressed and with her long silky hair let down, she looked absolutely stunning.

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