July 31 2006
Chatuchak Market: It's the dog's bollocks
Chums accuse me of hiding a Dorian Gray-style portrait in the attic but, yesterday, its sitter joined me out and about at Chatuchak Weekend Market.
Rover has one milky eye, countless skin lesions and a scrotum big enough to carry his golf clubs. He's hardly petting zoo material but, just yards away, dozens of excited Thai people are jostling for position around a basket of cute puppies.
July 28 2006
Chav thug attacks Chiang Mai pensioner
Kris, a young chav thug, has confessed in the Mango Sauce comment threads to beating up a defenceless expat pensioner in Chiang Mai.
i'm 21 and one time in a naugthy bar in Chiang Mai, i dragged a 63 year old into a dirtsoi by his throat and kicked his ass. i had my reasons though. but the thing that scares me now is that the girls in the bar told me he had been there for 10 years, 9 years and 4 months longer than me. luckily, the night of the fight was the same as my departure from Chiang Mai. lucky me, i guess :)
But why would anyone attack a harmless elderly man? Prompted by another contributor, Kris explains:
July 26 2006
Cops piss-test Westerners at Bangkok nightclub
Bangkok clubwear
Lively nights out in Bangkok can degenerate into farce if you're unlucky enough to be detained and piss-tested by the Thai police.
Ostensibly a dragnet for drug-users, these heavy-handed nightclub raids are rumoured to occur when the owners are reluctant to 'pay their dues' and I recently heard a first hand account of the humiliating treatment meted out to one blameless Western businessman caught up in last year's now infamous swoop on Bangkok's CM2 nightclub.
The place was buzzing when, suddenly, the lights went on. Dozens of Thai cops had already blocked off the exits and they quickly herded the customers into holding areas.
July 25 2006
Having someone killed in Thailand
Having someone killed is the ultimate way to fuck-up in Thailand (See Going native: Expats who lose the plot in Thailand).
For some people, being here fosters a sense of freedom and invulnerability. Backpacking bikers often refuse to wear crash helmets and drunken farang girls sometimes allow the local bad boys to lead them off to remote locations.
Petty criminals in this detached frame of mind can reinvent themselves as serious offenders - so you have to be ultra-careful about who you associate with in Thailand. The friendly farang guy who buys you a drink could soon be plotting your death - as a young visitor from Australia was about to discover.
July 24 2006
Western girls hire black studs in Jamaica
Western girls can't get laid at home so they're going to the Caribbean for paid sex with black studs. The Guardian's Lorna Martin reports from Jamaica:
Negril beach is the destination of choice for an increasing number of British female sex tourists. An estimated 80,000 single women, from teenagers to grandmothers, flock to the island every year and use the services of around 200 men known as 'rent a dreads', 'rastitutes' or 'the Foreign Service' who make this resort their headquarters.
That's 400 each!
July 21 2006
Sabrine Maui: Filipino porn star (& nurse)
When Sabrine Maui finishes nursing school, hospital admissions are set to soar. I'm already starting to feel a bit funny "down there" and I'd like her to take a look.
Porn's thriller from Manila - whose credits include 5 Guy Cream Pie 8, Bangcock Sluts and Lezervoir Dogs - is giving up a world-class sex life to devote herself to empting bedpans and wiping old ladies' bottoms.
July 20 2006
Going native: Expats who lose the plot in Thailand
Executives who go AWOL after their first night in Patpong are the poster boys for an army of expats who lose the plot in Thailand.
In the West, rain is no excuse for arriving late at a meeting and to declare "I'm hungry!" ten minutes into the agenda is tantamount to offering your resignation but a newly arrived executive charged with injecting some zing into his easy-going Thai subordinates is often just weeks away from going native.
July 19 2006
Unmasking the Nana Plaza prowler
For five years, a mysterious figure in black has been keeping a nightly vigil on the comings and goings at Nana Plaza and Mango Sauce reader, Dale, wants to know what he's up to.
Hi David
I've already asked a few columnists this same question but they all chose to ignore me, with Stickman even blatantly refusing to even acknowledge the question, the tit that he is.
Anyway, I've noticed for a while now that there's a bloke who hangs around Nana Plaza and does nothing other than stand and watch people and then move around various vantage points while making the odd phone call and the odd note in a book.
July 18 2006
Sodom & Gomorrah in Pattaya
When Joan visited Pattaya, she was shocked to find the naughty bits from the Old Testament being reenacted and felt moved to share her thoughts with me.
Our visit to Pattaya in November gave us a vision of the Biblical Sodom & Gomorrah.
In Patong we had seen a few old men picking up young girls, and it seemed slightly amusing. When we went to Pattaya it was another world. Little did we expect to see the mental and physical cripples from Europe side by side with the Thai girls, who were not innocent parties in these transactions.
These two elements gave a bad taste to normal tourists. How does a country, with the traditions of Thailand, allow itself to be dragged down to this level - a host nation for "dirty old men" and paedophiles?
July 17 2006
Naked truth about living in Thailand
The average farang bloke living in Thailand returns home with his tail between his legs after just two and a half years.
Today, we find out why.
Last year, hundreds of Mango Sauce readers filled out an online survey designed by Robert Howard at the University of New South Wales and these are his preliminary results.
July 15 2006
Japanese school girl up-skirt doggy-cam
Japanese school girls find the up-skirt doggy-cam irresistible but, while they're squealing "Ooo-eee... he's so cute!", he secretly videos their knickers.
July 13 2006
One Night in Bangkok: Lyrics & cheesy video
Despite being banned in Thailand, One Night in Bangkok is a go go bar anthem and, on any given night in Patpong, Nana Plaza or Soi Cowboy you'll hear it played many times.
Murray Head's cheesy 1980s video rendition is wickedly funny (unintentionally, of course) and we'll have a giggle at that later.
Ostensibly the rantings of a prudish chess master, One Night in Bangkok is stuffed with sexual innuendo and it's hard to believe that the song was penned by those nice beardy blokes from ABBA (with a bit of help from Tim Rice).
Benny and Bjorn obviously know their way around Bangkok so it's no surprise that they subsequently dropped the frumpy Agnetha and sun-dried Anni-Frid like a bad smell.
July 12 2006
Thailand's impotent pornstar
Even without the strategically placed tomatoes, Thailand's "long aubergine" (ma-khua yaow) is the undisputed pornstar of the fruit and vegetable world. It's unrivalled attention to detail makes the cocky banana look like a hopeless amateur.
However, despite its impressive dimensions, the long aubergine has become synonymous with male impotence - and it's all down to the earthy humour of Thai country folk.
July 11 2006
Hemorrhoid hell on Koh Chang
Hemorrhoids are no joke but, if your arse explodes on remote Koh Chang, the locals will piss themselves laughing. The hero of this painful true story prefers to remain anonymous - so lets call him Nobby Stiles.
For the benefit of Mango Sauce's international readership, I first have to explain that shy English folk like myself are incapable of using words like "hemorrhoids" or "piles" in everyday conversation and rely instead on euphemisms known collectively as rhyming slang. To avoid saying the awkward word, we substitute another that (sort of) rhymes with it:
Ceramics: Ceramic tiles = Piles
Nobby Stiles: (tenacious Man United midfielder) = Piles
Chalfonts: Chalfont St Giles (English village) - Ditto
The classic expression for indicating to others that your piles are causing discomfort is "Ooo me Chalfonts!"
July 10 2006
Body double at Bangkok's Eden Club
Taking two girls is mandatory at Bangkok's notorious Eden Club and a gentleman is expected to... ahem... play all six pockets of the pool table. I was chaperoning a couple of fun-loving British visitors recently so, naturally, I took them there.
One lad, who'd just had his hernia repaired, was worried that the energetic Eden girls might turn the tables and "tear him a new one" but the other was game and, when he finally emerged, the twinkling smile on his happy little face would've melted the heart of even the most resentful feminist.
Apparently, he'd just monstered Charlie's Angel, Lucy Liu.
July 8 2006
Sleazy paintings by Bangkok's Toulouse-Lautrec
If you see a tormented but watchful figure nursing a bottle of Absinthe in a Bangkok go-go bar, then it's probably nightlife artist Chris Coles.
Chris has been likened to Toulouse-Lautrec, the four-foot syphilitic Frenchman who immortalised the can-can girls of the Moulin Rouge.
July 7 2006
Farang girls get naked in Bangkok
Wouldn't it be great if Thai office girls had mock cat-fights around the photocopier and pulled each others knickers down?
Of course, in most go-go bars, it's all part of the show but, even in this setting, strict rules of conduct apply. Unfortunately, however, overwrought farang girls often think they're exempt.
It's always a mistake for a guy to bring his farang girlfriend into a go-go bar because she'll react in one of two ways. Either she'll become insecure and hostile or she'll become insecure and naked.
For everyone's sake, you have to pray it's not the latter.
July 5 2006
Lily Thai: Pierced Asian porn star
Energetic Asian-American pornstar Lily Thai, 24, is hooked on unusual piercings.
It goes without saying that the horny Hawaiian has had her nips, tongue and minge done but, just above the gum-line, she also sports a bizarre oral piercing known as a frenulum. I don't know what it's for but I'd certainly like her to show me.
I once thought that Lily Thai and Lucy Thai were sisters but they're not. Part of me was disappointed but at least I'm now free to imagine them performing together without having to fret about the incest aspect.
July 4 2006
Bukkake phone-sex hits Bangkok
This goo-splattered Thai girl is purportedly overcome by emotion as she enjoys her free airtime but the subtext is obvious. Bangkok is amazingly graffiti-free but, if this poster went up in London, a crudely-drawn cock 'n balls would appear within minutes.
July 3 2006
Tail-chasing Thai monk defrocked
Phone-cammed with his pants down, the Abbot of Supanburi's tail-chasing ways have finally got him defrocked.
The horny monk says he was drugged but revelations about smutty VCD sessions and a 100,000 baht "dowry" paid to his ex-girlfriend (pictured) undermined his credibility.
He also denies eating more than one meal a day but a sceptical Thai public can see for themselves that his chubby man-tits are bigger than hers.
July 2 2006
Chelsea Charms: Battle of the big boobs
Going nipple to nipple in the battle of the big boobs are America's Chelsea Charms and Thailand's farang ding dong girls.
Chelsea's super-sized charms can be attributed to her Western junk-food diet but, according to legend, the farang ding dong girls use special Thai herbs to enhance their humongous hooters.
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
