June 30 2006
Katoey toilet terror in Nana Plaza
A couple of ill-advised Soi 4 chicken skewers gave Combover the splats but Nana Plaza isn't the best place to get caught short with a runny bottom.
Leaving no broken lock unturned, our impromptu "mystery shopper" lifted every urine-splashed seat in Nana Plaza's paperless pissoirs to bring us his revealing report.
June 29 2006
Duped farang goes postal
If they don't fall from their Pattaya balconies in mysterious circumstances (See Would your Thai wife murder you for cash), farang blokes duped out of their life savings by scheming bar girls generally end up homeless and wandering the streets clutching a suitcase.
With the odds stacked against them, only a tiny minority ever manage to get even. Helmut the Hammer was just such a man.
June 27 2006
Turn your PC into a good girl
Like Norton Security, Thai bar girls tend to pop up when they're not wanted and, like McAfee Antivirus, they're always demanding money but at least they don't try to finish your sentences like MS Word.
Turning a bar girl into a good girl isn't easy but performing the same transformation on your computer is a breeze and, as we all know, good girls do it for free.
June 26 2006
Thai hot herb balls massage
Serving suggestion
"HOT HERB BALLS MASSAGE" is on the menu at most Thai massage parlours but the offer is actually quite ambiguous. The likelihood of a "happy ending" depends on how you interpret the grammar.
"Hot herb-balls massage" implies that you���ll be rubbed-down with a hot ball of herbs but shifting the hyphen produces a much more tempting offer:
Hot herb balls-massage!
Obviously, we need to know what���s really going on so today our Mango Sauce Nightlife Correspondent investigates.
June 24 2006
Bum-gun vs. zap-it racquet
It looks as innocent as a child's toy but the zap-it racquet is actually a ruthless killing-machine. Its winged victims are slain penitentiary-style with a crack of electricity audible 50 yards away.
Wielding the device is like playing a "shoot-'em-up" video game but the noise, smoke and body-count are real.
The only problem with your personal air-defence system is that there's never a mosquito around when you need one. As George W. Bush might say, "Bring 'em on!"
June 22 2006
Bangkok embassy tells bird-flu Brits to bugger off
How do you make a "Dear John" letter to potential bird-flu victims sound like a genuine offer of help?
Peter Karmy, Her Majesty's Consul in Bangkok, shows us how and Bangkokram has kindly forwarded it to me for translation.
I wrote to you in December 2005 with information about avian and pandemic flu. The UK Department of Health has now produced a pamphlet on pandemic flu that gives advice on how to reduce your risk of infection from an influenza virus. This can be viewed on their website: www.dh.gov.uk. That should be read together with an updated version of the Foreign Office (FCO) avian and pandemic flu fact sheet which can be accessed through this Embassy's website: www.britishembassy.gov.uk/thailand.
Translation: If they run out of tissues, bird-flu victims can blow their noses on this crappy pamphlet.
June 21 2006
Thai girl looking for a fuck
When your Thai girlfriend is looking for a fuck, she'll probably find one at Tops Supermarket.
If she hasn't scored a decent fuck after a quick cruise of the isles, the bloke behind the vegetable counter can probably help.
Known in the West as a winter melon, the tasty Thai fuck is typically served up in soups and curries. For potato-craving westerners, it's not a bad substitute.
I love the stuff but ordering gairng fuck gai (literally "curry fuck chicken") always sets me off into fits of laughter. What makes it worse is that I've got a chum called Mr. Curry and I wouldn't put it past him.
Bangkok's long-suffering waitresses probably know me as "The one with Tourette's Syndrome."
June 19 2006
Thai teens get 'skin-tight & sexy' (again)
"Every year they're warned and every year they disregard the warning" drools The Nation beside this fly-button straining file-photo.
Despite being adults, Thai university students are compelled to wear teen-style school uniforms and, girls being girls, the hottest chicks always adapt their outfits into eye-catching fetish gear.
In company like this, the Skytrain trip to work can certainly get the blood pumping and, trapped behind their desks by arousal, the kingdom's journalists have little better to do than invent flimsy pretexts to expose these "teen temptresses" (again).
June 16 2006
Expat girl living in a sexpat world
Kat from Phuket is Thailand's most outspoken farang female podcaster. In fact, she's Thailand only farang female podcaster.
Today, the cheeky minx likens the Bangkok expat scene to "Revenge of the Nerds" and shares with us the heartache of having had feelings for an Austrian divemaster called Walter who turned out to be massively into ladyboys.
As a Western female in Phuket my options are very, very limited... A lot of the guys are often complete assholes. It's amazing... Some of them are quite good looking but they still go with the bar girls.
For the past five years, she's been on the lookout for an attractive Western man capable of behaving responsibly around beautiful Thai girls but, quite frankly, her grail-quest sounds hopeless. Dan Brown will probably steal the idea for his next book.
June 14 2006
If she's a looker they'll brand her a hooker
Even if she's a blameless accountant, most people from Farangland will assume that your Thai girlfriend is either a cheap prostitute or nymphomaniac sex-slave. This media-fuelled stereotype can lead to all sorts of misunderstandings.
With a couple of honourable exceptions, the farang girls who post comments to this site see mixed-race Thai/farang relationships as something to do with the trafficking of children or the spread of AIDS.
These daft accusations are reminiscent of the redneck taunts directed towards black pupils when they were first admitted to Mississippi high schools back in the 1960s. You couldn't make it up.
When you visit Farangland with your Thai girlfriend, however, poisonous stares from jealous white women are the least of your worries. If you leave her alone - even for just a few minutes - in London's West End, she'll almost certainly be hit on by sexual predators, asked her price by shameless whoremongers or sounded out by pushy would-be pimps.
Unless you've seen it with your own eyes, it's hard to believe that this parallel universe of sleaze exists at a Starbucks near you.
June 11 2006
Get rich quick with Beer Chang Light
Good old Beer Chang is everyone's favourite loon-juice. A big bottle contains 6.4% alcohol but costs just 32 baht - so a hundred baht note is all you need to graduate from buttoned-up zero to pissed-up hero.
Now you can piggyback Beer Chang's commercial success with this sneaky get-rich-and-drunk-quick scheme:
- Buy a bottle of Beer Chang.
- Drink a third of the contents.
- Top up with water.
- Bang the cap back on with a mallet.
- Scrawl "light" on the label in marker pen.
- Sell new improved "Chang Light" to blithering idiots for 40% more than they'd pay for the real thing.
- Repeat
It sounds crazy but, by launching Chang Light, this is pretty much what the mighty Thai Beverage Group has done.
June 9 2006
American woman slams Thai marriages
After getting the obligatory rant off her chest, Niki from America goes on to make some interesting observations about her brother's Thai bride:
I am not a Thai female, but a female. I've been reading many opinions about Thai women vs. western women. I'm an American, and I can see that, no matter where you travel, women are women! You'll bump into sweet ones, moral ones with strong family beliefs, dummies, educated ones and gold diggers.
To define why you prefer to buy a women instead of working for one: It seems to me that, when challenges come about, most weak-minded men will run far away. That's what I'm hearing.
You men obviously hate yourselves! What ya need is some true American love, instead of buying it. And any woman who sells herself, especially Thai, you should kick yourself. Why? Because of the sex traffic problem in Asia with regards to children.
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
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December 2003
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August 2003
