January 31 2006
Agent Orange dropped on Spice Girls
Last year, a friend drinking in a Phnom Penn bar noticed a baseball cap scampering around between the tables. On closer examination, its owner turned out to have a head, a pair of hands and a pair of feet - but no obvious limbs or torso. This real-life Mr Man was probably the victim of Agent Orange
Judging by the current state of its dancers, Spice Girls on Soi Cowboy has also caught a whiff of the dioxin-laced defoliant. Everyone knows that go-go bars have their ups and downs but Spice Girls seems to be in freefall at the moment.
Their star dancer, known rather uncharitably as The Mong, is a hideous Genghis Khan mini-me with a pudding-bowl haircut. She's living proof of what can happen when cousins fall in love.
Her careers adviser must have been quite an innovator. Of all the occupations suitable for people with special needs, go-go dancing isn't the most obvious.
January 25 2006
Philippines sees rise in "Desperate Japanese"
It's not just lonely middle-aged farang men who get reduced to poverty by scheming bar girls - as George Nishiyama of Reuters explains:
MANILA (Reuters) - They come to the Philippines hoping to start a new life, often with a new young wife. But most of these middle-aged Japanese men end up without money, abandoned by their Filipino wives and with nowhere to go.
The number of these men, known as "Desperate Japanese" among the local Japanese community, has increased in recent years, an embassy official said.
"One would show up at least every two days," said a consular official with the Japanese embassy in Manila.
He said most of them were married men who had fallen in love with Filipino bar hostesses in Japan and had followed the women to the Philippines, leaving their families behind.
January 20 2006
Thai superstars face their dhoom dhoom doom
Tata Young's tribute to the Artful Dodger.
In Bangkok, you see Thai celebrities just about everywhere - if your girlfriend can be bothered to point them out. The Thai public are far too polite to gratuitously hack their superstars to death or even to pester them for autographs so famous folk have no reason to hide themselves away.
When she was still at school, my girlfriend and a classmate knocked on the front door of Thai superstar Thongchai "Bird" McIntyre's Bangkok home. Pee Bird wasn’t there, of course - he lives with some farang bloke in Switzerland - but his mum invited the girls in, showed them round and served up a tray of cold drinks. They were thrilled.
It's hard to imagine the same thing happening in the West. If the girls had gone round to Britney Spears house they'd have been Tazered to the ground and savaged by fierce dogs before even making it past the security fence.
Bangkok's most reliable celebrity-spotting venue is probably The Emporium. At lunchtime, the food court is often heaving with TV personalities but, in the flesh, they're a surprisingly ordinary bunch. As one famously tousle-haired Channel 3 presenter reached for her purse, her blouse rode up to reveal stretch-marks that looked like a ploughed field.
January 16 2006
Thai go-go dancers with a lot of clout
Tourist checks giant clam for barnacles
In my home town in the North of England, a woman's genital region is sometimes referred to as her clout. During a lazy Sunday morning lie-in, a man might coo affectionately in his wife's ear "Pull your fingers out of your clout, Love, and make us a nice cup of tea."
Many of my chums from home enjoy visiting me in Bangkok and I always show them the places of interest. The place that interests them the most is often the place where a go-go dancer's legs protrude from her body.
One night, a rather unusual girl caught our eye. While the other dancers had either a neat little wisp or a cute shaven haven, this young lady was sporting a big hairy minge that would have done a farang girl proud. We couldn't resist having a giggle at her expense - which didn't go unnoticed - and, sure enough, five minutes later she plonked herself down on my lap.
Before I could shoo her away, the hairy little minx managed to win me over with an engaging combination of wit, cheekiness and charm that was a million miles away from the usual "what your name where you come from buy me cola pay bar" nonsense and, two years later, I'm still enjoying her company quite regularly.
Sadly, the relationship will never go further than sharing a few drinks and bouncing her on my knee. Quite apart from the fact that I'm already spoken for, I'd never live it down if I ended up dating the woman known to my friends as "The One with the Big Clout."
January 13 2006
Thai bird flu spread by cock-sucking
Man with big cock
Thai officials have confirmed that the deadly H5N1 bird flu virus can be transmitted to humans who engage in cock-sucking but the busy ladies of Patpong's infamous Star of Light Bar need not be unduly concerned. It's their fathers and brothers who are most at risk.
When the whiskey bottle is drained and your farang son-in-law won't give you the cash to go whoring, nothing relieves the tedium of upcountry life better than the compelling mix of animal cruelty and illegal gambling to be found at a cock fight.
It's a brutal contest and the rules are simple. The winner scoops the pot and the loser gets served up in one.
Most injuries sustained are to the head and neck and the feathered fighters are prone to choking on their own blood. To prevent asphyxiation bringing the bout to a premature end, trainers are permitted to clear the birds' throats - by sucking the goo into their own mouths.
January 11 2006
The FCUK Inn: Pattaya's funniest signboard
In Pattaya's Soi Bukhao district, the FCUK Inn promises drinkers more than just a cold beer and a hand of cards.
(Spotted by Big Dave).
January 10 2006
Thai gigolo slams farang girls
"The tourists are fine but farang girls who've lived here for any length of time are a total nightmare," explains veteran Thai gigolo, Yai.
I was introduced to Yai a few weeks ago when he was wooing a huge Aussie blonde in a popular Bangkok nightclub. His bulky date was six foot tall and built like a pro wrestler.
Their size difference reminded me of the black widow spiders often featured on Animal Planet. As soon as the tiny male has delivered his sperm package, he's got to be quick on his heels (all 8 of them) or the huge female will gobble him up.
Fortunately, Yai survived to tell the tale - which is precisely what he did when I ran into him again this week.
January 6 2006
Fishy fun at the Siam Paragon Aquarium
The new Siam Paragon Aquarium in Bangkok (Siam Ocean World) has made quite a splash so, on Boxing Day, we dropped in to test the water.
Their Christmas tree was set up, not in the lobby, but in a fish tank - complete with tinsel and baubles (floating upwards). What the fish made of pine needles coated in fire-retardant chemicals is anyone's guess but I think we can safely assume that the Siam Paragon Aquarium is in the business of crowd-pleasing rather than yawn-inducing marine conservation.
The lighting is set very low and, in the gloom, we kept getting jostled by overexcited Singapore businessmen acting like they'd never seen a fish before. Chanting "Nemo, Nemo" their cameras were flashing as if Paris Hilton had just entered the room.
The fish seemed fairly unconcerned, however. The aquarium has already been open for several weeks so most of the inmates must have had their retinas burnt out by now.
January 3 2006
Pulling farang girls in Thailand
Thailand is probably the easiest place on Earth to score with farang women - if you can be bothered. I had a couple of mates over from England this week and, despite being middle-aged and ordinary, we had to beat off pretty young farang girls with a shitty stick.
While dining at Anna's one evening, we noticed a couple of farang babes sitting in stony silence on the next table. Their outrageous slutwear and miserable expressions made them look like snotty Russian hookers so we didn't give them a second glance but when Anna Kournikova's better-looking sister tottered off to the toilet her semi-naked brunette mate turned round to say hello. They were actually from England.
Like most Western girls holidaying in Bangkok, they were all dressed up with nowhere to go and had given up trying to put a brave face on it. We were being sounded out as their unlikely saviours.
Readers unfamiliar with contemporary Brit-chicks probably fantasise about the top-drawer totty on BBC World (This video of Dharshini David explaining that "oil in London has reached a 14 year high" is like porn to me) but the awful reality is that, these days, the flower of British womanhood aspire only to whipping their tits out on Big Brother and talking undiluted shite.
They are, however, quite easy to pull - so long as you don't stray too far from the script:
January 2 2006
Babi Mild goes bukkake wild
To the casual farang onlooker, this smiling Thai model appears to be enjoying the sticky residue of two hundred Japanese blokes queuing up in their underpants but it is, in fact, a genuine Thai advert for Babi Mild skin care products.
When I spotted it in Oops! Magazine - a fashion and lifestyle weekly aimed at young Thai women - I couldn't help thinking about something else periodically aimed at young Thai women. Apologies for the poor quality of the photo - my hands must have been shaking.
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
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December 2006
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October 2006
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